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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DDs friends to sleep over?

189 replies

ChristmasKate · 03/11/2012 11:12

DD is 10 and the eldest of 3, she went to her friends house for a sleep over last night and called before shoe came home to ask if her friend could sleep over tonight and I said no.

DD is sulking and friends mum looked a bit miffed when she dropped DD home.

I can't decide if I'm bu or not, I just like my evenings to myself!

OP posts:

IloveJudgeJudy · 03/11/2012 11:48

Agree with all the others about reciprocating. In fact, it probably would have been better to do the one tonight as your DD asked, as they would already have been tired from the one the night before.

Doesn't have to be disruptive. They're 10 - old enough to understand they can't keep the whole house up. Tell them lights out at whatever time you want and tell them they may only whisper or whatever you're "happy" with.

I'm very much a lax parent. I don't/didn't arrange any activities. I just let them get on with it. The only person I ever banned was some horrible child, friend of DS1, who was very nasty to DS2. He was never allowed in the house again.

Pumpster · 03/11/2012 11:52

I was never allowed people in my house at all as a child so I will tolerate the odd sleepover. I think you could have said no not tonight but on such and such date. Just 'no' is a bit

freddiefrog · 03/11/2012 11:58

I can't say I enjoy them, but my girls love having their friends over so we've often got assorted children for sleepovers.

I quite like having my evenings to myself too, but a DVD and a bag of popcorn tends to keep them quiet.

If you're not willing to reciprocate, then you shouldn't accept them

Mrsrobertduvallsaysboo · 03/11/2012 12:00

I am strict on sleepovers too.....lights out at a sensible time, not going overboard on crap food, and I have been known to separate them if the noise levels got ridiculous.
We had 10 for dd's 16th, and they were fantastic.

charlottehere · 03/11/2012 12:01

YABU, if you are not going to recepriocate (sp?) then you shouldn't let dd go to sleepovers, unless you make this clear. I'm sure the other mother likes her evenings too.

Loveweekends10 · 03/11/2012 12:04

I never let dd have sleepovers two consecutive nights. She is now 13. It makes her too tired. It's only fair to reciprocate but allow some time in between.

threesocksfortheguy · 03/11/2012 12:04

yanbu
but yabu to let your dc's go to them and not invite back

MrsTomHardy · 03/11/2012 12:06

I can't bear sleepovers either but during the hols i do allow the odd one or two to take place.
I find it difficult as youngest 2 ds, 13 and 10 share a room so if someone sleeps over it usually end up with one of mine getting the hump and all hell breaking loose...and like someone else said i enjoy my evenings, i work hard during the week and as a single parent i need my wind down time.

elah11 · 03/11/2012 12:06

I dont enjoy sleepovers either but I do them because the kids like them and because its unreasonable to expect other parents to have my child over and not reciprocate! I dont do them back to back though, mine are always wrecked after one so they need a day or two to recover :) Ds1 (13) stayed over in his friends house on Sun night and wanted his friend to stay over the next night Mon but I said no, and arranged it for Thurs night instead (they are on mid term at moment). Tbh they are no trouble, they just want lots of food, xbox or a dvd and they are happy :)

JustSpidero · 03/11/2012 12:13

I don't think YABU to say no to one at that short notice and being put on the spot, but I do think YABVU to so say no to ever having them.

It's part of being a child - although I guess I'm biased as like your friend's DD I was an only child and have an only child myself.

I had a couple of close friends growing up and we alternated between each others houses virtually every weekend by the time I was 10/11.

DD (8) has two friends that might stay over once or twice in the school hols. We had our friend's son (their birthdays are a week apart and they've grown up together) the night before last and it honestly was easier than having DD on her own! They have to tidy up after themselves while I do dinner and then it's in bed by 7.30/8 and I set up our old DVD player and move our bedroom TV into her room for the night so they can watch a film.

We had three girls + DD for her birthday in September and that was quite hard work, but I'd only do it for a birthday so I can live with that.

Could you have your younger 2 doing something special in their room so they don't feel so inclined to interfere with your older DD's evening?

squoosh · 03/11/2012 12:15

YANBU to say no to back to back sleepovers.

YABU to say no to any sleepovers in your home. Especially when you are happy for your daughter to attend them in other people's houses.

It's your daughter's home too. Think how embarrassing it will be for her not to be able to reciprocate. That is worse than an interrupted Saturday night every once in a blue moon.

freddiefrog · 03/11/2012 12:19

Actually, I prefer back to back sleepovers if I get the 2nd night. They're all so knackered from the previous night that I don't hear a peep from any of them and they're fast asleep by 9

Not keen on short notice, we've had serious words with both DDs about nagging for friends to come over for tea straight out of school, so they know they have to give us a couple of days notice

DialsMavis · 03/11/2012 12:38

She probably does enjoy having your DD to a certain extent, but that's just something you say to be polite, like: "oh they were fine, just a bit giddy". You still have to reciprocate! Of course you don't want to, but if you send her then you have to have her DD at some point.

Dominodonkey · 03/11/2012 12:46

Yanbu to not want one at short notice. Yabu to not have them at all. you sound incredibly selfish tbh. So your child misses out as you don't like having a few evenings a year disturbed.

lovebunny people seem to be tactically ignoring you. Have you ever considered you may need medical help for your neuroses?

squoosh · 03/11/2012 12:49

Eeeek, I've only just noticed lovebunny's post. A bit worrying.

JustSpidero · 03/11/2012 12:51

Actually, I prefer back to back sleepovers if I get the 2nd night. They're all so knackered from the previous night that I don't hear a peep from any of them and they're fast asleep by 9

I like your style freddie - will remember that for when DD is a bit older !

I must admit that when I mentioned to other friends that we were doing DD's birthday sleepover, I was really shocked at how many people said 'I won't do sleepovers'.

Floggingmolly · 03/11/2012 12:54

You are being unreasonable, actually. If you're so dead against sleepovers, you really should put your money where your mouth is and ban your kids going to them as well.
Other people like their evenings to themselves too, you know, but are prepared to put themselves out occasionally.

differentnameforthis · 03/11/2012 13:25

I wouldn't allow 2 sleepovers in a row, due to the fact that ime, the girls don't get to sleep until at least 12 & it takes them all day to get over it (they don't lie in & need their sleep)

I would compromise and offer to do it next week.

differentnameforthis · 03/11/2012 13:29

I think it is taking the piss somewhat to be prepared to let your dd stay at her friends but not to return that at any time. They will start to notice & your dd is the one who will suffer.

HecatePhosphorus · 03/11/2012 13:31

If you don't want them ever, that's fine. It's ultimately your decision.

Just be aware that your daughter won't be going on them either, for very long, as other parents will more than likely start to feel it is unfair that it's all one way and stop inviting her.

If you're ok with that - your daughter won't be so you'll have to be ok with her being upset about it too - then fair enough. Nobody can make you have children to sleep over.

It's true, you don't get much sleep. I've just waved off a child who stayed over last night. It was brilliant. They were laughing and racing round the house and I don't think they slept at all But it's once in a while and it was soooo worth it for how happy my kids were.

But that's just my take on it, I know many people see it as a total pain in the arse.

ImperialBlether · 03/11/2012 14:36

I was going to ask whether the other girl was an only child and she is. Do you think her mum had got herself all excited thinking she'd be able to have a night out?

HoolioHallio · 03/11/2012 14:57

I resisted for a long time for a number of reasons. Then I gave in and DD had a friend over for a sleepover which was fine until the girl decided she was homesick at 1am, and when she rang her parents, they said they'd both had a drink and couldn't pick her up.
At this point the child was hysterical, so I had to get my smallest kids out of bed and drive them ALL to hers to drop her off.
Never ever again

Goldenjubilee10 · 03/11/2012 14:57

YANBU we don't do sleepovers. I never slept over anywhere as a child and I don't have children to sleep over here. My boys are quite happy with that.

OP It may be that your daughter doesn't get invited to stay over if you don't have children stay over at yours but you could reciprocate in different ways ie. days out. I work full time and so don't have children to play at the house after school. When I accept play dates for ds3 (6) I explain this but I reciprocate by taking other children to soft play at the weekend.

whois · 03/11/2012 15:01

I think YABU

Sleep overs are fun and to be honest all the guff "offspring should e home for dark" like lovebunny sounds exceeding odd and a bit damaging to your children. How strange to have never spent a night away from home lovebunny. When is it ok? 14? 16? 18 when moving away to Uni? 32 when they get married??

vjg13 · 03/11/2012 15:06

YANBU to say no when put on the spot but I would promise one for a vague date in the future and grit your teeth when the time comes .

I like to have things arranged with me first and not be asked in front of another child or parent. I also think they would get very ratty later.

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