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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DDs friends to sleep over?

189 replies

ChristmasKate · 03/11/2012 11:12

DD is 10 and the eldest of 3, she went to her friends house for a sleep over last night and called before shoe came home to ask if her friend could sleep over tonight and I said no.

DD is sulking and friends mum looked a bit miffed when she dropped DD home.

I can't decide if I'm bu or not, I just like my evenings to myself!

OP posts:
Dominodonkey · 03/11/2012 22:44

Some of you really need to remove the sticks from your arses. Children are noisy, sometimes stay up, sometimes make a mess. No-one is suggesting you have sleepovers every night or even every month but I fail to see why it is so difficult to have the occasional sleepover unless you have a major medical condition. Kids will sleep anywhere, top and tail etc so space is not a factor. Surely a sibling could sleep on mum and dads floor if they share a room? Some of you sound like a lot of joyless miseries.

And no of course you don't have to - there's a lot of things parents don't have to do but most parents who give a toss about their kids being happy will do things that kids love (such as sleepovers) even if it causes them a bit of inconvenience. The tiredness thing is also pathetic, don't do it on a school night and then let them lay in or go to bed early the next night.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/11/2012 22:45

How rude

musicposy · 03/11/2012 23:03

YABVU. No one likes hosting sleepovers. They might pretend they do or offer such platitudes as "ooh, it's so nice for her to have friends over", but really they are sitting in a corner with a bottle of wine the whole night and shaking silently whilst counting the hours until they can return your child.

DD2 had 3 friends over for a sleepover last night and it was hell on earth. They didn't sleep until 4am, they kept us and probably the whole estate awake, they drew on their faces with sharpies when we were in bed (why??), ate all the cereal and did truth or dare. The dares seemed to involve eating ridiculous foodstuffs from our cupboards and a lot of wet clothing Hmm. I had to spend all day tidying and washing up, their parents collected them 2 hours late (I wonder why?!) and to top it all DD2 was tearful and tetchy tonight through lack of sleep.

However, she goes to theirs. It would be very rude to accept those invites and not return them. I doubt they enjoy having DD2 over any more than I want their children here. Grin

They only get one childhood. If you never reciprocate yours will be missing out on a lot, because invites to them will dry up too.

kiwimumof2boys · 04/11/2012 01:29

She (your DD) should've asked you before discussing it with her friend (and her friend's mum). She should've asked you first before telling her friend and her mum, and the other mum shouldn't have been 'miffed'. You are the adult, after all.

But I think you should arrange a sleepover with DD's friend, its only fair.
I know my mum hated having other kids over, but she just gritted her teeth and got on with it, realising that it is important to nurture friendships.

Loveweekends10 · 04/11/2012 06:54

I really don't mind sleepovers. They don't make me anxious. My dh is chilled about them also. I don't mind if there are 3 or 4 of them. All the kids have slept here on numerous occasions so they know our rules. It only becomes an angst ridden experience if the parents make it into one.
One of my dd's best friends mum is the overly anxious type and I know the kids hate sleeping there because the parents make is so difficult for them to relax or indeed have any enjoyment.
I like the fact that my dd can enjoy the company of her friends in her own home.
I totally understand the difficulties if children don't have their own rooms. I'm sure I would find that more challenging.

SunflowersSmile · 04/11/2012 07:46

Surprised such strong feelings about this.
My 7 year old can wait as far as I am concerned- there are other ways to have fun with friends than sleep overs.

EscapeInTheCity · 04/11/2012 08:53

But what on earth do you think you are all teaching these kids when allowing them to stay until 4am (at age what 10yo?), create a huge mess, keep everyone awake?
Which really means it is actually ok to not take anyone else into account because 'I AM HAVING A PARTY'.

Now think about an adult doing exactly that. Would you ever accept that? What the heck! Of course you wouldn't. So why is it acceptable to do so for children?

That IS the ONE reason why I don't want sleepover at my house until my dcs are much older. This is the expectation from some parents children that during a sleepover, no rules apply anymore.

EscapeInTheCity · 04/11/2012 08:59

I am also wondering about people who resent other parents not to reciprocate. Why is it an issue?
It really looks like you thinks about a sleepover as 'free' babysitting so you expect the other parent to do the same for you, ie take yur dcs away so you can have some peace.

It though that doing a sleepover was because you as a parents wanted to do something nice for your dc (not because you are hoping for some'free' time)?
I also though that as a 'loving parent', you would never want to send your dc away 'just' for some peace and quiet (Note: tongue in cheek comment!).

I have friends I have seen only at their house, they find it easier like this. When my 2 were toddlers, another friend preferred to be at her house for a 'playdate' because her dd was much easier to handle.
And other people again who only have been to my house.
If I do something for my dcs, I do it for them, not expecting anything else in return from anyone.

Proudnscary · 04/11/2012 09:09

I don't like sleepovers but I do them every month or so.

I let them make mess, noise and stay up late-ish but from 11pm I'm in there getting them to settle down (my dc are nearly 11 and 8).

You don't have to let kids run riot and stay up all night! Bloody hell no wonder children are so entitled today if they are not told to shut up and settle down by midnight.

In this case the key issue is that it was last minute and they'd just had one sleepover/late night - so of course it's not unreasonable to say no!

Visualarts · 04/11/2012 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dancergirl · 04/11/2012 09:13

OP, you are seriously deluded if you think you can carry on with child -free evenings.

Your oldest is 10? Give it a year or two and your 'evening to yourself' will start at about 10.30pm.

seeker · 04/11/2012 09:14

I just think that my children are part of the family- they have rights and responsibilities within that family. And one of the rights is a right to a social life. And one of the responsibilities is to make sure that they aren't too much of a pain to other people. So I would have to have an incredibly good, and not simply a selfish reason for saying no if one of mine wanted a friend over. But I would expect them, certainly at 10, to know that they mustn't make too much mess or noise.

It's their house too!

Dancergirl · 04/11/2012 09:15

What Seeker says!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/11/2012 09:21

good post seeker. Balance is important.

Dancergirl - I think something that put me off sleepovers when mine were younger (now they are 9 and 12, and, as I said sleepovers aren't a huge part of social life round here, but I do one every holiday) is that the sleepless nights, anxious evenings and early mornings of toddlerhood were too recent a memory for me to stomach the shenanigans.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/11/2012 09:24

As I mentioned last night, I had a distraught son unable to get to sleep because he was overtired after a 7-boy sleepover party. Will hear further details today but it sounds like there were a fair few arguments and no adult to adjudicate.
No doubt, next time there's a sleepover party he'll forget all that and want to go for fear of being left out

Domino

On a separate note, I resent to implication that those of us who don't keep an open house don't care about our children's happiness

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/11/2012 09:25

the implication

EscapeInTheCity · 04/11/2012 09:28

Agree seeker but then read all the posts on this thread. Have you seen a lot of people saying that with a sleepover with a 10yo , it's OK to have all the dcs in bed by 10.00pm (Neither myself or my DH are ever in bed after 10.00pm)?
Have you seen a lot of people on here saying that they would NOT allow endless noise, mess etc... even though it is clearly annoying everybody else (and again most posters did agree that sleepovers ARE a nightmare, probably because of that).

If I was to make an assumption on how sleepovers should be according to this thread, all sleepovers should include mess, noise until whatever hours in the night.
In effect the children get to rule the house during that time.

And I have to say Confused at the word 'social life' for an 8 or 10yo.... Most children at that age have their 'social life' at school, during activities, playing out in the garden/park near their house/in the street. They don't need a social life in the evening too (unlike adults who go to work and don't get to see their friends during the day)

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/11/2012 09:32

Escape

I agree with your last paragaph

seeker · 04/11/2012 09:33

Of course they don't need a social lifeline the evenings- but it's fun and if they like them, then why not?

And if you let there be too much chaos and mess and noise that's down to you, not the sleepover, if you see what I mean.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/11/2012 09:33

.... and I'm the one who used the term social life Grin

seeker · 04/11/2012 09:34

I didn't mean social lifeline- I meant social life!

wordfactory · 04/11/2012 09:39

I also think it is incredibly useful for DC to see how other people live. How their lives are the same yet different.

EscapeInTheCity · 04/11/2012 09:41

@seeker, again I completely agree. I would not accept noise and mess etc... I have no issue with that and to impose it lol.

However, the expectation for most people is that this IS how a sleepover is supposed to be. Have you seen a thread on here not that long ago about a 11yo whose friends were not speaking to her anymore because the sleepover hadn't been as they wanted? Not enough 'fun' apparently.
Bearing that in mind, can you really say 'Your house, your rules'? Or are you risking to destroy your dcs friendship by not being 'cool enough'?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/11/2012 09:41

word

We do lots of playdates after school play round here because everyone lives so locally. Maybe that's why sleepovers don't figure so highly. So they do get to see each others homes refuse to eat each others food

freddiefrog · 04/11/2012 09:44

I agree children don't need a social life in the evenings, but I don't need to go to the pub either. We do this stuff because it's fun, they enjoy it. Sleepovers aren't my favourite pass time, but I agree to them because my children enjoy having their friends here

We've had many a sleepover. DD1 (11) has a friend here or sleeps at a friends most weekends.

They don't make a mess, don't keep every one up all night and don't rampage around the house. They go upstairs in DD1's room, watch shite like Twilight and chat a bit.

DD2 (7) has had friends here (she's not quite brave enough to do an over nighter yet and I'd hate for her friends mum to deal with her wanting to come home at 1am) and again, they watch DVDs and giggle.

Nothing to get worked up over.