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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DDs friends to sleep over?

189 replies

ChristmasKate · 03/11/2012 11:12

DD is 10 and the eldest of 3, she went to her friends house for a sleep over last night and called before shoe came home to ask if her friend could sleep over tonight and I said no.

DD is sulking and friends mum looked a bit miffed when she dropped DD home.

I can't decide if I'm bu or not, I just like my evenings to myself!

OP posts:
piratecat · 03/11/2012 15:09

my dd is an only, she's ten and i am a single mum. in our house we reciprocate.

I can't say it's peaceful, or fun for me, i find it quite nervewracking to look after another person's child, but i know it means everything to dd. It's especially welcome between me and one of the mum's who is also a single mum, we get space to breathe!

wordfactory · 03/11/2012 15:09

Thing is OP, you don't want your DD to start to feel that it isn't her house too. That she doesn't have a vested interest in being part of the family.

Having friends over (however much of a pain it is) is part of that.

3LittleHens · 03/11/2012 15:25

If you are too selfish to recipricate - live by your own standards, and don't let your daughter go to her friends for a sleep-over. Umm not very nice for them is it.

thebody · 03/11/2012 15:30

I like my kids to have sleepovers, I think it's my job as a parent to encourage and nourish friendships with their peers. They are fun.

Not sure why a sleepover negates your wine swilling?

I find them much more tolerable after a couple.

Babyroobs · 03/11/2012 15:31

I know what you mean -my kids get invited to quite a lot of sleepovers but I rarely have sleepovers at my home . We have 4 kids and an extra one just means everyone gets hyper and I get stressed.

valiumredhead · 03/11/2012 15:40

I think you are being U actually - it's ok for some other parent to do it but not you? No one really loves sleepovers but we do it for our kids because they love them.

Easiest way is to only have one extra child at one time if you find it so stressful - but tbh there's nothing really stressful is there? Kids go upstairs at a reasonable hour and they can chat,listen to music or whatever while you have a quiet evening.

I like my kids to have sleepovers, I think it's my job as a parent to encourage and nourish friendships with their peers. They are fun

That^

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 03/11/2012 15:44

When I was growing up we always had friends/family staying or stayed at friends/family. I think the more often kids do it, the less 'a big deal' it is and the less hyper they get.

I think it's a bit sad that you aren't prepared to put yourself out for what your daughter wants - surely that's part of parenting? & just because you have another child there, it doesn't mean you can have any wine. Cleary getting bladdered isn't a good idea, but it's not a good idea when you are the only adult there with your own children either.

I disagree with the idea that just because you don't want other children to stay at yours you shouldn't let yours go to others. Not all parents are fussed about 'reciprocation', most are just happy their kids are happy. It might pay to say to the parents 'DD would love to stay the night, but I hope you don't think I'm being rude if I don't invite your DD to stay, but with having the little ones too it's just too much for me to have sleepovers as well' then it's up to them if they want to invite her again.

pigletmania · 03/11/2012 15:47

Yabvvvu and selfish one night won't hurt. Shame on your dd she s only a child for a short time than you have all the evenings in the world for yourself

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/11/2012 15:52

YABU, i remember most of the things i wasnt allowed to do as a child that most children did as standard. Let your daughter have those memories, one night with a little disruption is not the end of the world.

simplesusan · 03/11/2012 15:55

Could you arrange it for a future date?
I too have 3 dcs and when my eldest started school it was hard work having friends over but I did it for her.

pigletmania · 03/11/2012 16:00

Just do it once as you do have to reciprocate. Arrange at a mutually convenient date not straightaway

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/11/2012 16:01

I feel the same as you OP, but luckily sleepovers aren't a big feature of my Dss social lives. I think it's reasonable to refuse if she's just had a sleepover ( disappointment is part of life too) but not to refuse them altogether.

pigletmania · 03/11/2012 16:02

My dd 5 has ASD I would love her to have sleepovers in the future but that might not appen, especially as she goes to school fr Autistic childfen

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/11/2012 16:03

I don't do sleepovers with more than one child.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/11/2012 16:04

Aaaw piglet. You never know.

whois · 03/11/2012 16:09

I like my kids to have sleepovers, I think it's my job as a parent to encourage and nourish friendships with their peers. They are fun

Yes, that.

Do what you can for your kids. Letting them have friends round to sleep over is a pretty easy thing to do in the grand scheme of things.

DontmindifIdo · 03/11/2012 16:13

I think you basically 'owe' that other mum now, how about talk to her and suggest one date in a couple of weeks time for a sleep over so she can plan a night out?

EscapeInTheCity · 03/11/2012 16:17

YANBU because basically no one can tell you what you can cope with or not.

You do know yourself and your circumstances. You know your dcs and what the effect on a sleepover will have (I am assuming you've already done it before as you know the likely reaction of your dcs).
You do need to do what is right for you and your family, taking into account the needs of everybody, so your dd but also yours.

And YANBU to say with such a short notice anyway.

My DH has AS. Having another child there would be torture for him. I am in bed quite often by 9.00om.
Wonder how much fun it would be for the child and mine to have all nights out by 9.00pm, not be allowed to fool around etc...

valiumredhead · 03/11/2012 16:20

It's lights out at 9.30pm in this house - no all nighters here.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/11/2012 16:34

I have been know to alter clocks

ihearsounds · 03/11/2012 16:42

sleep overs are fun. Have some basic rules, and not much junk. Yes they giggle a lot, watch way too many dvds, but not so bad.. also found it easier to have all my dc's having a joint sleep over. One night every couple of months of 8 plus dc's and everyone's happy.

pigletmania · 03/11/2012 16:44

I wish jamie, I would love her to do things that the nt kids do. It's only nw that she likes ore children's company even though hen they are at her house she plays by herself, hopefully in a couple of years time she might graduate to having conversation with children

Chandon · 03/11/2012 16:47

Yanbu as 2 sleepovers in a row is too much, imo.

You can reciprocate at a later date that suits.

Fwiw, all the people saying you MUST reciprocate the next day are nutters.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/11/2012 16:50

piglet -

I remember threads of old when you were worried about how she was at nursery.

loopylou6 · 03/11/2012 16:51

I think Yabu and selfish tbh. I think allowing sleep overs is a big part of childhood, so unless you have a genuine reason for saying no, ( eg, you didn't think you could cope etc ) then you are being very mean and depriving your child child hood experiences that create memories.

I hate having other people in my house, but I do it for ds.

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