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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

232 replies

shawl20 · 31/10/2012 08:13

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 02/11/2012 18:49

*shared, not shred!

missymoomoomee · 02/11/2012 18:56

his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight

They haven't refused to see him, they just don't want contact with the op, they have said they will have contact during the day with him, its him that has chosen overnight stays.

Of course adults have a choice who to be around. If I don't like someone then I don't have anything to do with them.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/11/2012 18:59

Contact with him without his DW means away from home - unless his DW has to make herself scarce every time they visit.

Would you resign from your job unless you like all your colleagues? Do you use public transport?

Mamuss · 02/11/2012 19:05

I think the children stay at their Dads house overnight,
the house he lives in with op and Dsd. There are plenty of opportunities to do things with his children during the day, make them feel special, quality time etc. without the need for him to move out when they stay. I have a stepson who regularly refuses to stay, comes out with allsorts of rubbish to his mum. Yet when he is here we all have a lovely time. He likes to dictate what he does and when and have control (which is understandable with 2 homes)

digerd · 02/11/2012 19:06

Missy
Yes, op said it was DH who insisted he wanted their visits to be overnight
And other posts have missed that OPs DD shared her room with 2 others when they stayed with them, and they all got on fine.
I also know of a 16 year-old, who did not want to visit her dad every Saturday, as she wanted to care for and ride her horse - her passion, but mum persuaded her to go . She is fine and made both parents proud by excelling in her dressage events and GPs

brdgrl · 02/11/2012 19:07

Children have an absolute right not to be around people they don't like
bullcocky.

nkf · 02/11/2012 19:08

Of course it's not ideal. But I imagine it won't be the final arrangement. The household set up is pretty dreadful in my opinion and probably everyone behaves badly in such confined spaces. i know I would.

With this system, the children are seeing their father (top priority.) Hopefully, they will all be able to work on the situation and it will resolve. But how could he stand firm and say it's this house or nothing? Is that what the OP really wants?

missymoomoomee · 02/11/2012 19:09

Sorry, the op was upset about the overnight stays, I assumed you were talking about overnights too

I can deal with people I dislike and ignore a certain amount, but I wouldn't have someone I disliked in my home, nor would I go to their home. There is a vast difference between encountering someone you don't like and being forced to spend every weekend with them.

If I worked with someone all the time that I really didn't like then, yes, I would resign for my own sanity.

WofflingOn · 02/11/2012 19:12

NADM, all those situations that you describe are temporary and the individual has the power to exercise choice. You can choose where you work and whom you sit next to, you can voice your opinion. Adults do have that right and it is nonsensical to suggest that an adult in a situation that is intolerable to them has no power to make those choices.
I left a job I hated, have dumped boyfriends I no longer liked, moved locations within the country to end up somewhere I wanted to live and a thousand other freedoms I didn't have as a child.
As a child, I lived where I was made to, went to numerous schools, some of which I hated and tolerated the unbearable because there was no choice and I had no voice, no power and no freedom to say no.
It informed my parenting and the way I do my job.

brdgrl · 02/11/2012 19:25

My child has no right to refuse to see anyone she dislikes, if I decide it is best for her to see that person. That is true whether the person she currently dislikes is me, her dad, her grandparent, her doctor, her teacher, or the salesperson fitting her for shoes.

WofflingOn · 02/11/2012 19:37

There isn't going to be common ground here, or a compromise. The differences are too great to overcome between the two sets of opinions.
It would be interesting to see what the OP and her husband decide to do.

missymoomoomee · 02/11/2012 19:43

What if it effected you seeing her though brdgrl ? What if your access to your child was greatly restricted and your relationship suffered because you forced her to see someone she didn't like?

I was forced into a step family situation I hated as a child, and didn't get a say in the matter because I was a child, I no longer speak to my Mother largely down to that and a few other situations that have arisen because if that.

Madelinesnotapumpkinanymore · 02/11/2012 20:16

Bit it's the why they dislike the person that needs to be addressed! As an adult you can't go about blindly disliking people and uprooting your job, your home, your children's school just because you feel "meh" towards someone. If they are cruel toward you, or predjudice, or bullying yes - but an "ick, don't feel 100% about that person, they make me feel a bit disloyal towards someone else" absolutely not!!!

missymoomoomee · 02/11/2012 20:23

Addressing why and resolving it is going to be a long slow process and won't be helped by forcing it. The op needs to start spending an odd hour with them and build it up over time until the kids feel comfortable with her. If they don't then thats a much bigger problem.

As an adult you wouldn't be forced to spend weekends in a house with someone. Would you invite someone you even feel 'meh' towards over every weekend let alone someone you actually disliked?

WofflingOn · 02/11/2012 20:23

I choose not to spend time with people I dislike, not to socialise with them, go on holiday with them, share a room or a house. I keep contact to a minimum, civil but not friendly, if I'm working with someone I don't like.
That's the compromise.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/11/2012 20:26

woffling the impression I get from the OP is that she has not been involved in the decision - there is no OP and her DH - her DH has unilaterally made a decision with no discussion that impacts on his DW - a person who he recently committed himself to.

WofflingOn · 02/11/2012 20:29

He's been a father for over 12 years, and living with OP for one.
So in my mind, the children still come first over a new relationship.

allnewtaketwo · 02/11/2012 20:33

Missy moo, as an adult I frequently have to spend time, even in my own home, with people I don't like. But if I'd been brought up to be able to opt out in all such scenarios, no doubt I'd be a whole lot less tolerant. It's not true to say you don't have to spend weekends with people you dont like, believe me! In laws, anyone?

allnewtaketwo · 02/11/2012 20:36

Wofflingon I think the time example you give is a particularly silly one. I've been with DH for 10 years, but with DS for 4. Should I therefore put DH first? It doesn't work like that for goodness sake. It's perfectly possible to consider everyone, and that doesn't mean pandering to extreme demands.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/11/2012 20:42

woffling I have been my parents DD for longer than I've been with my DP - should I put their desires above his?

The adult thing to do is to discuss things together - it's a very immature approach to wail, "its not fair, he was my family before he was yours"

brdgrl · 02/11/2012 20:58

Should the needs of a ten year old child take precedence over those of his eight year old 'full' sister, then, on the grounds that he's been there longer? What a ridiculous position.

missymoomoomee · 02/11/2012 21:01

Thats your choice though allnew I choose not to have people who I don't like in my home, and I choose not to go to theirs. I will never force my children to spend weekends/holidays with someone they dislike, it would make them hate me.

I was brought up in a situation I hated, with someone I hated and it hasn't made me more tolerent of people I dislike at all, its made me not want to waste any more of my life with people I don't want to be around.

catsmother · 02/11/2012 21:03

Quite NADM. Where do you stop if you start going down that road ? Does the oldest child claim a greater proportion of their parent's time than the 2nd oldest, what about the 3rd child or the 4th. Do they all get time and attention in proportion to how long they've been around ?

allnewtaketwo · 02/11/2012 21:04

Well it's my choice to the extent that I'm not a petulant child-woman who refuses to let DH invite any friends/family over who I don't like Hmm

NotaDisneyMum · 02/11/2012 21:16

missy Do you think it's important that your DCs like you?
My DD expresses her hatred of me on occasion - usually when I'm doing some of my best parenting!
It's not a popularity contest - your parenting decisions shouldn't be made on the basis of whether your DCs will like you....do you really need their approval before you'll do what's best for them?!