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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

232 replies

shawl20 · 31/10/2012 08:13

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 31/10/2012 10:07

If there is no 'reason' for the children to dislike you OP then no, I wouldn't go along with this.

If the children will see him during the day, outside of the house, then there is no reason that should not remain the norm. If the children wish to stay with their father overnight, then that should be where the father has made his home - ie with you. If it is their father that wants the overnight contact then the father has to work towards them accepting you and treating you with respect. He is your husband - you come as a package now but he is treating your feelings as if you are 'just' a girlfriend.

I would not accept 'family' finances being abused to finance another home, or weekend hotel stays when there is a perfectly adequate home already available.

Look at it this way maybe - the youngest is 4 now, so tat is potentially another 14 years of paying for hotels or paying rent/mortgage on another home. That is jut not financially viable for most families.

I would not pander to this, sorry. If he doesnt do this now it will only get worse.

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2012 10:13

I wouldn't pander to it. I suppose as a compromise you could be out a bit more when they come round? Seems daft to accommodate 5 people elsewhere while you're alone in a house.

WofflingOn · 31/10/2012 10:17
WofflingOn · 31/10/2012 10:19

That sounds like fun, 4 children who dislike you, possibly resent your DD and all stuffed into the same home overnight. Let us know how that works out for you all.

Cabrinha · 31/10/2012 10:20

He needs to talk to them more about why. If it's more to do

WofflingOn · 31/10/2012 10:37

Perhaps he needs to give up on the idea of overnight and take them on holiday a couple of times a year instead, in a rental. Although that would impact on his finances a bit, depends on how much disposable income he has.
Or give up on the idea of a second family whilst his first is still young and needy and go for no strings attached relationships instead?
Especially before considering having any more children.

izzywizzyisbizzy · 31/10/2012 10:41

It is ridiculous - 4 year old is just following the others.

It's not something I would tolerate - what happens if their mum meets someone else - I doubt the same demands would be imposed on her.

WofflingOn · 31/10/2012 10:45

So you would give him an ultimatum, the children stay at his house with new wife and step daughter or what?
OP, come back and tell us what your preferred choice is.

midseasonsale · 31/10/2012 10:51

Gosh just let them carry on with what feels comfortable. Hopefully in small ways over the years you can slowly build up some kind or rapport and positive bond. I expect right now they see you as the baddy and blame you for their parents being apart. I'm sure you can change that around with time but don't be too pushy now. Maybe he could forget to take a picnic with him and you could turn up for even a few mins and drop it off. Say a brief hello just to remind them you are not a monster and are apart of your DH's life.

midseasonsale · 31/10/2012 10:53

I agree that although they could be away with him during the day, getting a hotel is a bit too much unless he can easily afford it.

Madelinethepumpkin · 31/10/2012 10:57

Oh for heavens sake! No it's not right. Completely ridiculous. Unless there is a valid reason for them not liking you then they will need to learn to accept you.
Does Mum have a new partner? Us HE expected to bugger off every time the kids are there? Or us that particular insult reserved for Dads partner only?

AmberLeaf · 31/10/2012 10:57

Definitely need more background on the situation.

How long ago did their parents break up?

Were you involved in the break up?

2rebecca · 31/10/2012 11:01

It depends on how often he'll be seeing them and where the other place is and how family finances are. For many families finding somewhere for 4 kids and an adult would be too expensive to do regularly and they'd just go for daytime contact.
Are the kids being fed a line by their mum?
In general fathers who maintain contact with kids after divorce see them at their own house (ie the father's house). These kids are too young to realise that by insisting they will only see their father away from his home they will see less of him and have a poorer relationship.
Can your husband discuss this with his ex? Certainly if my 2 started saying they'd only see their dad away from his house and new partner I'd have been strongly dicouraging the idea and I don't think my ex would have encouraged the kids to say they'd only see me at a b&b somewhere and not in the house I share with my current husband.
Men can get a much worse deal when separated than women over this sort of thing.

Madelinethepumpkin · 31/10/2012 11:03

With regards to the comments about the poor children having to share limited time... Plenty of children have Dads who work away mid-week, or work long hours etc etc they don't get their Dad all to themselves when they see him at the weekend. Things are done as a family, with Mum included.
My dd benefits from having her sm around and they have a lovely family life together when dd stays there. Much nicer than dd staying alone with Dad in a b&b.
But then, my dd is lucky in that I've always put her happiness first and she has always been encouraged to enjoy her family time with dad and step mum. A lot of kids feel very disloyal so prefer to be alone with Dad. Making life shitty for everyone.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 31/10/2012 11:09

My ex has recently moved in with his new partner, he introduced the boys to her without even telling them she existed. Ds1 (8) told his Dad he'd like to spend time wit him on his own, not with the new gf and her kids. His dads response was that he needs to grow up and accept that his Dad has a new family (they've been together about a month) and of he didn't like it tough luck!

I wish my ex was as thoughtful of his sons needs and wished as your husband!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 31/10/2012 11:12

It is entirely his descison, and you should not be influencing him either way. You just need to support what he wants for his children, the same as he should support your choices for you child without telling you what to do.

TinyDancingHoofer · 31/10/2012 11:13

OP if you are in a financial position where your DH is able to stay somewhere one night a week with his children then i think you should let him. They don't like you, there doesn't have to be any underlying cause for this, you are probably lovely. I had a SM i hated, for no reason, we had nothing in common, one night a week she would have to care for her father and i loved having that time with my dad.

Even if you stay out of their way, it might be that they don't feel comfortable in your home and just want time with their dad. One night a week won't harm his relationship with your daughter and will give you some one to one with her. Girls night if you like. I don't think this would be giving in to them, but would surely strengthen their relationship with their father.

catkind · 31/10/2012 11:16

That sounds pretty rude of the children going round saying they "don't like" their father's new partner. Understandable but not acceptable in my opinion. I'd expect dad to be pulling them up on that and asking them to get to know you better. (And you'd need to make a massive effort too.)
As an adult you have to accept and learn to get on with family members' new partners. I'd think it was part of learning about the world, life and manners to teach children that they need to learn to get on.
The occasional weekend away with dad only would be a lovely thing of course. But out of order to demand that as routine. I'm surprised your husbands lets them - is there some guilt floating round about the split?

Madelinethepumpkin · 31/10/2012 11:16

Is that really how he put it!? Wow - it's unbelievable how unfeeling some people can be! What would have been wrong with introducing her and explaining they were going to be all living together and that although they would do some things without her, they were going to try to be a family..!?

Your poor son. Can you help by encouraging him to see the new partner as a positive thing? As I say, hardly any children spend a lot of one on one time with Dad, yet when parents separate there seems to be a sudden focus on it.

Madelinethepumpkin · 31/10/2012 11:18

Sorry x-posts. I was talking to ineedagoldennickname

OneMoreChap · 31/10/2012 11:20

At this stage, up to him.
DD decided she didn't want to see me overnight, and I was allowed cafe-Dad time. I managed for 6 months, and said she was of an age where she made decisions as an adult.

As my adult decision, I wouldn't see her every 4 weeks for an hour in a cafe and make smalltalk. We needed to sort out our issues and deal with them. We did.

I'd suspect his XPs involvement in there somewhere. 4-12? Hello Family court. XW tried to stop me seeing children in all sorts of ways.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 31/10/2012 11:21

I'm trying Madeline. Its hard though knowing he'll be coming home in tears because he thinks his Dad doesn't love him very much

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 31/10/2012 11:21

Why should the children be forced into having a new family they don't need, want, or like, and which actively takes away from their already limited time and attention from their own Father?

Some of these opinions are unbelievably selfish, and I say that as someone who has given my children a step Father.

Madelinethepumpkin · 31/10/2012 11:28

Why does he think his dad doesn't love him golden? A new partner doesn't mean less love for a child any more than it would if dad was with mum!

I don't think children if these ages know what is best for them. They might know what they want at that moment I.e for dad not to have a girlfriend, to eat three pieces of cake, to skip school etc but its up to us as adults to take the decision as to what is best long term. To me, a secure family unit and home is far better to aim for than a night living out of a suitcase at a B and B pretending that Dad hasn't moved on. As I say, when Mum meets someone, will she stay in a B and B all the time she has the children there? Confused

Madelinethepumpkin · 31/10/2012 11:30

outraged what do you mean by given your children a step father?

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