husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

[shawl20]

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

[SparkleSoiree]

The dad moved on with his life after his wife left him for no apparent reason, he ensured that his sons had a room within his new home by purchasing a 5-bed place and from all that the most horrid thing is that he wouldn't buy them an ice cream on holiday - so they say - out of his money? Do you really think its as black and white as they got an ice cream and we didn't?

This is one of the biggest problems within blended families and causes a huge amount of conflict and that is the chinese whispers/tale-telling that goes on between the two homes. The amount of disagreements my husband and his exwife would have because she would pull him up on something their children said or he would pull her up on something the children said and every time the children usually missed out an important piece of information which would have saved both parents becoming upset.

[digerd]

No, it was not just the ice-cream, it was he saying he had a new family now, to his sons, who were young, who inferred he meant his sons were no longer his family

[NotaDisneyMum]

Just because there are bad step-parents is not a reason to tar all with the same brush!

There are men who abuse their DCs; yet no-one is suggesting that the OPs DH is doing that - why not? Why is it the OPs fault that the DCs don't like her? Why not blame Mum or Dad, who arguably have a greater influence over their opinions and preferences?

Some men do abuse children, just like some stepmums exclude and resent their DSC - but in true Stepmonster style, the stepmum is automatically suspected, because society finds it easier to hold them accountable than find fault with a parent or child.

At least now I've read the book, these comments elicit a wry smile from me rather than indignation

[exoticfruits]

Have you ever done anything with them individually and got to know them apart from your DH-or have you only seen them with your DH and always as a group?
It is something that needed working out to start with. I should think they are resentful because your DD is there all the time and they are visitors. How do your parents (if still alive) and extended family treat them?
We need more background.

[SparkleSoiree]

When people say 'new family' I think its meant as a positive thing - something to make everyone feel included and not to prioritise one person over another, including existing children and new children that may come along as a result of new relationships.

Its really difficult being a blended family and trying to ensure everyone feels valued and cared for. Its difficult because so many people have emotions that take a long time to move on from and the slightest foot wrong can offend people although it was never intended.

We have been away on breaks where the children have each had their own pocket money to spend and once its gone, its gone, regardless of how much money other children may have left. There isn't a bottomless pit of money and parents do have to teach money management regardless of the family set up. Perhaps there was another aspect to th ice-cream incident that wasn't relayed to you..just a thought.

[SparkleSoiree]

NADM what was the name of that book please? Im needing it!

[mutny]

Did the OP come back?

because, tbh, it really depends on why they don't like her. She could be very pfb about her own child and treat the other children like shit.

Or they may just not like her because she is dads new wife.

Each situation has a very different response.

[digerd]

My sympathies are always with the children.

[NotaDisneyMum]

It's called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin - it's fantastic if you want to understand why society has demonised stepmothers

[digerd]

Sparkle.

His meaning was quite clear that his new wife and her 2 sons were his new family now .

Thank goodness I have never been in that situation

The OPs DH is being a brilliant dad and SD, but I can understand the feelings of OP.

[NotaDisneyMum]

digerd How do you know he's a brilliant Dad and stepDad based on the OP?
He could be overindulgent, incapable of enforcing boundaries, allow his DCs to rule the roost and generally fail completely as a parent. We've no way if knowing how he stacks up as as Dad

Or is your assessment of his ability as a parent based on the knowledge that his decision has upset his DW - who also happens to be a stepmother?

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Sparkle, situations like the ice cream story could be easily solved if the parents communicate well with each other. It's when they don't that these things become a problem.

My oldest ds went through a short phase of trying to play me and his Dad off against one another a couple of years ago. This was after we had been split for a long time, and had established a good co parenting relationship. I think he was just testing boundaries and seeing what he could get away with. The reason it was over as quick as it started was because ex and I have a good relationship and we would phone each other instantly when he said something we weren't sure about to clarify with the other. We backed each other up with punishments and ds quickly realised that his parents were both working together for his benefit.

It just takes good communication, but doing that between two separated parents takes enough commitment and effort without the step parents getting involved and wanting their say at every turn.

[digerd]

NotaDisneyMum

Baffled by your questions??
Of course I did, as I had no other info from OP. She has been scared off, I think .
He seems to be trying hard to do the right thing , I wouldn't like to be in his position would you?

[bitbizzare]

Speaking as an adult who at age five watched my father leave and then introduce me to my now stepmother two weeks later:

1. I hated my stepmother because I saw her as taking my mother's place. I was angry at my father for leaving me to care for disabled mother at age 6, I was angry because father treated stepmother with a love that he had never shown my mother. E.g. they kissed each other, shared a bed etc, called each other pet names.
   
   
2. I was jealous - my father had money, my stepmother and father took over my family home and my mother/sibling and I had to leave and live on £100 a week. My father within months of us leaving redecorated entire house and lived in many ways a lavish lifestyle so I resented it.
   
   I am assuming your situation is different - my father's a complete arse and always sadly will be, for more reasons than I can type - but the reasons might be somewhat significant to his DCs too?
   
   Take it slowly - get to know them gradually.
   Find common interests - i.e. the girls might enjoy a day out shopping?
   Allow him time alone occasionally with them.
   Involve them with your DC.
   Treat all children the same.
   Respect their mother - please God don't do what my stepmother did and try to pick fights!!, she's their mum, always will be, she's a massive part of their lives.
   Allow them some responsibility at home - i.e. having a second bedroom? Don't have them in sleeping bags etc if you can help it.
   Back off when need be - i.e. illness, parents evening etc.
   Family therapy may be an idea..
   
   Husband seeing them somewhere else - bad idea - and I speak as someone who at age 6 actually requested the same thing!!

[bitbizzare]

I would point out that my father and stepmother did none of the above. That's part of the reason why I haven't spoken to them in around about 15 years - except through very occasional emailing. Very sad situation which nobody wants.

[digerd]

NotaDisneyMum

Just noticed your last sentence question.

No, certainly not. Got nothing against step mums, as don't personally know any. But know some women whose husbands have left and ignored their children to become stepdads to OWs children.

[digerd]

Disney
I have been to and froing getting my tea cooked in the oven !

Just noticed your 2nd sentence/question. YES, I had thought of that too,but have no knowledge so would not comment.

Must eat now otherwise I shall waste away - having a fast metabolic rate !

[SparkleSoiree]

OutragedatthepriceofFreddos

Absolutely agree with you - my own children do it between myself and other family members occasionally and its not something that is retained just for stepfamilies. I think its difficult for people to understand that though, especially if there is a tendency to side with one parent or the other over the circumstances of the family breakdown in the first place. When a situation does occur emotions are more volatile than perhaps they would usually be because of family breakdown circumstances. Unfortunately I don't think the majority of step families have good communication between parents who are no longer in a relationship together. That's my personal experience of people who are in these situations.

Your family don't have to be blood to be regarded as family (adoptions and marriage), there is no distinction in importance between the children we give birth to first and last and at the end of the day its the constant demands of 'here first and always first' that disregard the feelings of others who ARE equally important somewhere else in the situation.

[NotaDisneyMum]

He seems to be trying hard to do the right thing , I wouldn't like to be in his position would you?

Oh, I have been - my DD has stamped her foot and angrily told me that she hated my DP, and she didn't want anything to do with him - I think all separated parents with new partners have heard that line at some time or another

The difference is, I didn't give her a choice, and neither did her Dad. DD spends half her time living with me, and half with her Dad, so if my ex had chosen to, he could have supported DD to reject my DP and move in with her Dad full time - only seeing me when DP was not around, just like the OP's DH does.

But, my ex supported me, and ensured that DD did not have the choice to opt out of the time she spends with me. I assume that the OP's DH does not have a supportive ex-partner, but one who is undermining him and allowing the DC's to choose, which has resulted in their situation.

[digerd]

NotaDisney

You and your exDH both did the right thing. I'm sure it was very difficult at first and for your DP. And agree with your assumption about his ex-partner, but also feel that OPs DH is feeling a deep and warrented responsibility for his 4 kids with a bit/lots of guilt attached and is floundering somewhat in his decisions. He also wants to be a good step dad to OPs DD. Yes perhaps he is lacking in assertiveness etc. I think he wants to please every one, which is an impossible task.

I still do not know what I would do in his position with 4 kids + 1 sd.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

I must be lucky, my dc have never had a problem with my DH, maybe because my ex and i split and went through the difficult stage when they were still very young. They have struggled with spending time with ex's DPs children though, they don't always get on and his DP has a different parenting style to me.

I'm sure in OPs case, which we know very little about, that the husband does feel very responsible for his dc. There are four of them, which has got to make it harder than when there are just one or two.

[shawl20]

No i had nothing to do with their break-up, she ended it with him and i and my daughter were introduced to his children slowly, every step of the way we have asked and made sure they were fine with what was going on and they said they were. The 12 year old has never taken to me but i put that down to she was the oldest and was maybe hurt more over the divorce but the others i have been getting along fine with.So much so that the 9 year old was very upset she was not allowed to come to our wedding, so we said we would have a blessing in church and they would be bridesmaids when their mum allowed them to. My daughter halved most of her toys with them cause they didn't have alot, i got them new clothes as when i met their father they didn't really have a great deal. At xmas last year they were rude about most of their presents that they were not the right thing. I have spent hours baking and icing birthday cakes. The youngest 3 always gave me a kiss goodnight and when they left to go home and the oldest started doing so 2 months ago so it has hurt that they don't like me, It all changed the last few months, They would go home and make up things that my partner and i had done ie forced them to eat foods they didn't like, shouted at them all the time, never took them anywhere.

[shawl20]

His ex wife is very controlling and no we are not in a very good financial position. He is going to have to stay at his dads. I am very disappointed that in most of the advice given my daughter doesn't come into it at all. He took on myself and my daughter as a family and even told her she could call him dad and he would treat her like all the rest of his children which i agree is fab. she has no other father as he didn't want to know when she was born. He also has an 18 year old from another partner who i get along with fabulously. He works from 3pm till about half twelve Mon-Fri and the occasional weekend he hasn't his 4 girls so he doesn't see alot of us either as i work and my daughter is at high school during the day so weekends are the only time he has with us too. We should matter in this as well as his other children and i think just because we arent blood or with him first our opinions don't matter. I totally agree he should have time alone with his children and have always encouraged that, but i dont agree that it should be overnight away from home during the day fine. Just also to point out that these girls want to have quality time alone with their father so he spent the whole weekend giving them just that, i kept out the way, my daughter stayed at her friends and they told their mother they never spent quality time with their dad that weekend because he never took them out.

[sudaname]

Hi Shawl, god what a mess ! Why do you think your DH is playing along with this? I mean has he even asked his DC what their 'problem' with you is ? Asked them to be more specific than just 'we dont like her' ? Sounds like some manipulation going on here somewhere and the younger ones just following suit really.

[Madelinethepumpkin]

Ah yes shawl... My dsd always equated "quality" time with having money spent on her and being taken places. Anything that involved me or my daughter was considered as something that was for us, not her. Even though (as with any "together" family) we always considered everyone's interests and tried to suit everyone.
Of course yours and your daughters needs matter. When my DH was doing his "alone time" faze to keep dsd happy, I was working full time and dd was with a childminder. The weekend came and she and I would be desperate for family time but we were always left alone while DH and dsd were having lunches and trips to the cinema and going away for city breaks together. It was horrible and certainly not my idea of a relationship or a family. My dd suffered a lot. Partly because if the rejection from her step sister, partly because the family we had been was broken. A horrible time and not much better now that we don't see dsd at all.