husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

[shawl20]

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

[sudaname]

I would always listen to my children if they said they didnt like a person, of course l would. Same when l had my own small company and employed people.

What l wouldnt tolerate either from my children or from people l employed was a dislike for someone with no good reason or for any unfair predjudice e.g. they have a big nose, they are fat, have acne, follow a certain religion or whatever.

I certainly wouldnt enable or condone any such unjust or unexplained 'dislike' by promising either my child or employee that they would never have to see or work with that person again.

They would have to come up with better than that - and in the meantime until they did l would insist they were at the very least civil to that person.

[missymoomoomee]

That is a fair point allnew and I probably am overthinking my own situation a bit .

I do think the best course of action would be to let this continue for now and slowly introduce the OP into their lives. It all seems a bit rushed to me and that obviously hasn't worked. Their feelings are valid and shouldn't be ignored.

[allnewtaketwo]

Missymoo, I am assuming that, whoever it was you were forced to spend time with who you didn't like, that you had good reason not to?

It does seem that you are projecting your own situation on here, and hence assuming that the children have good reason not to like the OP. There is a HUGE difference between spending time with someone you haven't particularly taken to, as opposed to someone who has treated you badly/unfairly/cruelly. I am assuming that the adult you refer to from your past was in the latter category? You are assuming the same scenario applies to the OP and her step children, whereas, based on this thread, there is no reason to suspect this is the case.

[Madelinesnotapumpkinanymore]

Oh god, and don't get me started on DH's friends and family!!! Actually, they are mostly lovely - but I am about the odd person. Still, I don't have to love everyone I come in to contact with. It's called tolerance. And it means a lot to DH that I accept people. The only person i have commented negatively about is the mohte rof his best friend who is a racist. I told her to her face that i didn't appreciate her views and I told him she wasn;t welcome here again.

On the reverse, his ex seems to take dislike to pretty much everyone whom he or her DD like or want to spend time with. It must actually be quite shitty to carry around dislike for all those people. If I lived my life like that, I'd be damned sure to make sure I didn't pass on that quirk to my child.

[missymoomoomee]

My parenting choices aren't made on whether they will like me or not, for the most part. However I know 1st hand how damaging a situation like forcing a child to spend time with someone they dislike for extended periods of time is. I would never choose to do that to my children.

[Madelinesnotapumpkinanymore]

Would you invite someone you even feel 'meh' towards over every weekend let alone someone you actually disliked?

Yep, regularly - my Mum's DP. They've been together since I was 18 and I've never taken to him. No reason, he's just not my cup of tea. But he makes my Mum happy and I love her so he's always been welcome here/ to my 18th birthday/ my DD's christening etc.

[allnewtaketwo]

Agreed NADM, my 4 year old has taken to calling me 'wicked' every time I tell him off.

[NotaDisneyMum]

missy Do you think it's important that your DCs like you?
My DD expresses her hatred of me on occasion - usually when I'm doing some of my best parenting!
It's not a popularity contest - your parenting decisions shouldn't be made on the basis of whether your DCs will like you....do you really need their approval before you'll do what's best for them?!

[allnewtaketwo]

Well it's my choice to the extent that I'm not a petulant child-woman who refuses to let DH invite any friends/family over who I don't like

[catsmother]

Quite NADM. Where do you stop if you start going down that road ? Does the oldest child claim a greater proportion of their parent's time than the 2nd oldest, what about the 3rd child or the 4th. Do they all get time and attention in proportion to how long they've been around ?

[missymoomoomee]

Thats your choice though allnew I choose not to have people who I don't like in my home, and I choose not to go to theirs. I will never force my children to spend weekends/holidays with someone they dislike, it would make them hate me.

I was brought up in a situation I hated, with someone I hated and it hasn't made me more tolerent of people I dislike at all, its made me not want to waste any more of my life with people I don't want to be around.

[brdgrl]

Should the needs of a ten year old child take precedence over those of his eight year old 'full' sister, then, on the grounds that he's been there longer? What a ridiculous position.

[NotaDisneyMum]

woffling I have been my parents DD for longer than I've been with my DP - should I put their desires above his?

The adult thing to do is to discuss things together - it's a very immature approach to wail, "its not fair, he was my family before he was yours"

[allnewtaketwo]

Wofflingon I think the time example you give is a particularly silly one. I've been with DH for 10 years, but with DS for 4. Should I therefore put DH first? It doesn't work like that for goodness sake. It's perfectly possible to consider everyone, and that doesn't mean pandering to extreme demands.

[allnewtaketwo]

Missy moo, as an adult I frequently have to spend time, even in my own home, with people I don't like. But if I'd been brought up to be able to opt out in all such scenarios, no doubt I'd be a whole lot less tolerant. It's not true to say you don't have to spend weekends with people you dont like, believe me! In laws, anyone?

[WofflingOn]

He's been a father for over 12 years, and living with OP for one.
So in my mind, the children still come first over a new relationship.

[NotaDisneyMum]

woffling the impression I get from the OP is that she has not been involved in the decision - there is no OP and her DH - her DH has unilaterally made a decision with no discussion that impacts on his DW - a person who he recently committed himself to.

[WofflingOn]

I choose not to spend time with people I dislike, not to socialise with them, go on holiday with them, share a room or a house. I keep contact to a minimum, civil but not friendly, if I'm working with someone I don't like.
That's the compromise.

[missymoomoomee]

Addressing why and resolving it is going to be a long slow process and won't be helped by forcing it. The op needs to start spending an odd hour with them and build it up over time until the kids feel comfortable with her. If they don't then thats a much bigger problem.

As an adult you wouldn't be forced to spend weekends in a house with someone. Would you invite someone you even feel 'meh' towards over every weekend let alone someone you actually disliked?

[Madelinesnotapumpkinanymore]

Bit it's the why they dislike the person that needs to be addressed! As an adult you can't go about blindly disliking people and uprooting your job, your home, your children's school just because you feel "meh" towards someone. If they are cruel toward you, or predjudice, or bullying yes - but an "ick, don't feel 100% about that person, they make me feel a bit disloyal towards someone else" absolutely not!!!

[missymoomoomee]

What if it effected you seeing her though brdgrl ? What if your access to your child was greatly restricted and your relationship suffered because you forced her to see someone she didn't like?

I was forced into a step family situation I hated as a child, and didn't get a say in the matter because I was a child, I no longer speak to my Mother largely down to that and a few other situations that have arisen because if that.

[WofflingOn]

There isn't going to be common ground here, or a compromise. The differences are too great to overcome between the two sets of opinions.
It would be interesting to see what the OP and her husband decide to do.

[brdgrl]

My child has no right to refuse to see anyone she dislikes, if I decide it is best for her to see that person. That is true whether the person she currently dislikes is me, her dad, her grandparent, her doctor, her teacher, or the salesperson fitting her for shoes.

[WofflingOn]

NADM, all those situations that you describe are temporary and the individual has the power to exercise choice. You can choose where you work and whom you sit next to, you can voice your opinion. Adults do have that right and it is nonsensical to suggest that an adult in a situation that is intolerable to them has no power to make those choices.
I left a job I hated, have dumped boyfriends I no longer liked, moved locations within the country to end up somewhere I wanted to live and a thousand other freedoms I didn't have as a child.
As a child, I lived where I was made to, went to numerous schools, some of which I hated and tolerated the unbearable because there was no choice and I had no voice, no power and no freedom to say no.
It informed my parenting and the way I do my job.

[missymoomoomee]

Sorry, the op was upset about the overnight stays, I assumed you were talking about overnights too

I can deal with people I dislike and ignore a certain amount, but I wouldn't have someone I disliked in my home, nor would I go to their home. There is a vast difference between encountering someone you don't like and being forced to spend every weekend with them.

If I worked with someone all the time that I really didn't like then, yes, I would resign for my own sanity.