husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

[shawl20]

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

I agree, you can waste a hell of a lot if time being envious of what mum has. Not point at all!!!

No sorry the relationship between us and the children is distanced. Funnily enough all that separate time he spent I saw was a chance for me to get some time to myself too. But in hindsight we should have been spending time all together much more, doing nice things as a family.

Ok, I've been following this thread for a while now and not commented as have been waiting for OP to provide more information.

I've written the comment below based on the fact that I do sympathise with the stepchildren but someone has to think of the OP in all this.

These kids HAVE (whatever anyone says) been provided for in their father's house. Surely everyone should be considered in this. I think the OP has done her absolute best to make the situation as easy for all of the children as possible.

She has (from what I have read so far):

Accepted the children into the home

Treated them exactly the same as her biological child

Given these stepchildren the choice over where to sleep

Given up her BEDROOM to accommodate them - no one seems to acknowledge that this is actually quite a sacrifice.

Done her best to get along with the children, taken them out etc.

All of the above surely means that she does not deserve the pasting she has received on this thread and I am angry for her. Does marrying a man with children mean that you have to put up with unreasonable demands and have your needs disregarded?

Also, I've noted some of the comments that seem to justify the ungrateful behaviour of these children because the DP treats OP's little girl like his own and wonder if this is why stepchildren feel resentment. Is it not expected that stepmothers treat stepchildren like their own? Why not stepfather's - or is it only stepmothers who are supposed to give themselves up completely?

No one ever seems to say:

"What about the biological children effectively sharing their parent with children not related to them?"

Fair enough, if the children have been or are being treated badly at their father's house then they have every right not be abused and should be listened to.

However, there is no evidence of this. All I see is a woman who has bent over backwards and given up her space, time and home to provide for her husbands children who DO actually have their own home and bedrooms presumably.

Surely both bio parents of these children should be putting their foot down and laying down the law at this stage (except in cases of abuse) as no child should have the power to disrupt family life in this way.

Sorry, rant over!

I must reiterate that I do sympathise with all of the children involved in this.

However, it seems like sanity goes out of the window when it comes to family problems involving stepchildren.

Also, please disregard my use of the word "ungrateful" in the post above. I was going to delete that but forgot.

grape, that is an excellent post. I couldn't agree more.

Cheers brdgrl. This sort of thing makes me so upset for people like the OP.

Yes bravo grape I agree too.

Do wonder if it's the wedding that's caused the problems. Going ahead without the step-daughters has probably made them feel unimportant even if it was their mother's fault. In their shoes I would feel that my dad shouldn't have got married without me there, whatever the reason, and would feel very hurt that he had (and even more so I guess if his step-daughter was there). It is easier for the step-children to blame you for this than either of their parents. Though I do appreciate OP that giving in to the ex-wife's nonsense and postponing the wedding would also have been a mistake. In fact I would take some of the "I wish my dad had stood up to my evil stepmother" posts on here as actually supportive of your position - whether it's the ex-partner or the step-parent causing trouble they shouldn't be pandered to.

In your shoes I would suggest DH agrees to see his daughters elsewhere for a strict timescale, eg three months, giving time to sort out the problems but making it absolutely clear to them that this is a short term solution only and he will not run two separate families, they are now part of a family that includes you and your daughter. They are allowed not to like you but you are his wife and they must treat you with respect and he must demand that they do.

In the meantime you are just going to have to do a Camilla P-B and plod on being a good stick until everyone sees sense. Good luck!

No its not expected that stepmothers treat children as their own, there are choices step parents have nothing to do with, nor should they. I would never have dreamed of being 'Mum' to my DSSs when they were younger. I fully understood their needs came before mine and that their Dad was their Dad long before I was his wife.

There is a reason they don't like op whether she sees it or not. What I read from the posts are that OP resents their Mum for having a bigger house and car that they are partly paying for through CSA. I also see through the posts and reading between the lines that she absolutely favours her DD over her DSC, comments about how understanding her DD is and how she shares toys and doesn't call op DH Dad in front of his children while saying her DSDs are rude are very telling.

If thats coming across to me from a few posts then how is it coming across to the kids in RL?

Oh exactly grape, excellent post. No one cares that OPs dd is a step child too!

A sm does not have to do anything wrong for her sc to dislike her, and will often become a scapegoat for the children's dislike of the situation as a whole. This is significantly worsened if the mum is resentful, as seems to be the case here, particularly with a girl of 12, who will identify closely with her mother - it wouldn't matter if the sm was a saint and the mum a witch, which is not to say that is how it usually is in real life! I've read up a lot on stepfamilies, and I won't deny that I'm feeling a bit nervous about the teenage years to come. But I will expect my husband to enforce respect and back me up if need be

Btw just to say my sd doesn't currently dislike me (to my knowledge) just foreseeing future (hopefully never arising) problems!

I don't know how much you can read between the lines but this is a mess. Partly becuase of practical reasons. Yes, she gave up her bedroom but the alternative was the kids sleeping in the sitting room. OP, you are trying to make something good happen in a place that is too small for you all. How can you not get on each other's nerves? And be in each other's hair? Nobody - except your daughter (own room?) has enough space. And I know there will be reams of posts saying, "I lived 12 in a room and we were all happy" but it really is not great. I think having a bit of a break while he sees his kids elsewhere and you both think about how to provide for your family could be a good idea.

You are being unreasonable if you'd rather he didn't see his children. He obviously moved in with you quite quickly and took ona full time parenting role to your daughter if his youngest is only 4 and yours considers him a father. Even just them being jealous of that situation is enough for them to want time on their own with him.

My dads girlfriend as a kid hates my brother and I. She'd keep telling us if we were naughty we wouldn't be able to go to her house etc(we were very good kids). She used to make us sit in a store room all day sometimes while she worked. Lots of other things. My brother and I asked if we could see our dad without her, he said no. We stopped seeing him. I haven't seen him for years. A good father would do whatever it takes to see their children even if their requests are unreasonable.

Just wanted to say that grape that is an excellent post.

Me too Grape agree fully.

Exactly ! this > 'No child should have the power to disrupt family life in this way'

I mean what if these four children further down the road 'decided' the only thing that would make them happy was if dad saw them at mums house. Would OP then be expected to tolerate her DH going sleeping at his EXWs a couple of nights a week ?

Why get involved with a man in this situation in the first place if the difficulties can't be solved by the stamping of a foot and 'Because I'm a grown-up and I say so'?
The OP and her husband have been living together for a year. That's the blink of an eye, no wonder everyone is still struggling to come to terms with it.

'No child should have the power to disrupt family life in this way''

But the adults can do what the fuck they like? I'm sick of seeing the consequences of this on a regular basis.

Are children second class citizens that should have others feelings, views and situations put upon them with no discussion then?

Of course they have a right not to like someone, of course they have a right not to want to be near someone they don't like, why should they love her just because their Dad does?

They want contact away from the house, their Dad is making the choice for it to be overnight, he has every right to do that.

The alternative will be forcing the children to see him at his house and them no longer wanting contact. Personally I would rather see my kids elsewhere than not see them at all.

missy do those rights extend to all immediate family members ?

At what age does a DC get to decide whether or not they become an older sibling? Your description of a DCs rights could equally apply to a parents choice to have a second, and subsequent, children, or is the choice to have a partner different in some way?

Forget about rights. The kids want to see their dad. The dad wants to see the kids. They will go with daytime. He wants overnights. It's only the OP who is miserable.

Nota Would you like to be told you had to spend every weekend with someone you disliked, in cramped living conditions, with a woman who quite obviously doesn't like your Mum and with a girl you don't even know calling your Father 'Dad' and 'taking over' the role you used to have in his life? I'm sure I wouldn't.

Parents make choices for their children all the time, they make choices for themselves all the time that effect the children too, but forcing them to be somewhere they don't want to be with someone they don't want to be with is just cruel and will do nothing for their relationship with their Dad.

That's not what I asked. I asked if the rights you consider DCs have to dictate the situation are exclusively reserved for DCs in step situations or whether a DC who is equally unhappy with choices that their parents have made together has similar rights to reject family members they dislike. If a 4 yr old DC said that they didn't want grandad to live with them anymore because he's smelly - does that child gave their view listened to?

The environment that the OPs DSC are in is not ideal - but the OPs issue is that her DH has resolved it by doing what his DCs want rather than finding a solution in which everyone to whom he has a commitment is considered. A poor excuse for a husband, IMO, and I'm surprised at the suggestion that the OP should accept, tolerate and expect such a lack of respect and consideration from her DH

Its not the DCs that are dictating the situation though, they have said they aren't willing to see their Dad there, they have said they will see him during the day, he has decided to go elsewhere for overnight visits. As far as I can see they aren't demanding overnight visits at all.

Children have an absolute right not to be around people they don't like (whether it be a step family member, a biological family member, or a friend), the children in OPs situation feel they have valid reasons and shouldn't be forced. I think at 12 she is old enough to make informed choices and deal with the consequences.

He may be a poor excuse for a husband (iyo) but he is a good Dad, he is putting his children before anyone else, as it should be.

Its not easy for the OP, I know that, my DSSs are grown up now, and I have had situations that weren't ideal for me over the years, but I made the choice to be with a man who had children so I've just had to deal with it, its not their fault their Dad and Mum aren't together anymore.

What happens when children who have has their absolute right not to be around people they don't like grow up and are faced with those situations every day?

When someone whose parents moved grandad into a home when he became incontinent and smelly has to sit next to someone just like their grandad on a train, or in the Drs surgery?
What happens to that child when as an adult, their colleague who was promoted while they were overlooked becomes their new boss?

I disagree with your assertion that children have any right not to be around people they don't like - adults don't have those rights, so why on earth would you set a child up to fail like that?

They have choice whether to like someone or not, but a parent who protects their child from that situation, or who permits rudeness and disrespect from their child towards people the child doesn't like, is failing, IMO.

My reading of the OP is that DCs have refused to see their Dad the home he has created and shred with them - even during the day.