husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

[shawl20]

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

[AmberLeaf]

You say you took it slowly, can you give a rough indicator of timescale?

[Madelinethepumpkin]

I thought about this thread today in the car with my own dd and my ex. They were joking about how her and her stepmum play fight over a particular blanket that is kept on the sofa. Apparently step mum usually wins but lets dd snuggle under it with her in the end. It was so lovely to hear my dd laughing and playing so happily and also that step mum is allowed to want the blanket, and get it, for herself. So many children I read about on MN (and my own dsd) would tell that story as a wicked step mother denying her step child a blanket and making too many demands etc etc. and dad letting it happen would mean he cared more about step mum than his dd...

[sudaname]

YY Madeline or dad pouncing on 'wicked' stepmother for daring to say no to his child or having 'needs' in her own house.

[Madelinethepumpkin]

Absolutely suda. I know I sound smug but I can't help thinking that my positive attitude toward the set up has allowed dd to be as carefree and frankly "normal" as she is. Of course she would prefer to have her mum and dad living together, and she has told all four if us that at different times. We all tell her it's okay to feel like that, hug her, and move on. She learnt at a young adage that shit happens but also that all the adults in her life love her and that she can be happy with what life has given her. I would hate for her to carry round hatred for her sm out if some kind of misguided loyalty to me.

[mutny]

I am very disappointed that in most of the advice given my daughter doesn't come into it at all. He took on myself and my daughter as a family and even told her she could call him dad

I wonder if this ^^ is the issue. Unfortunatly, OP yes he married you and 'took on' your dd. But they are his kids. It must very difficult for them. Their parents split then they get given a new sister. Someone else starts calling him dad and they get to live with him.
Its great he is treating your dd like a dd, but that's bound to effect his own kids.
why does he say he is giving in.

[nkf]

I think there is some missing information. Why do they say they don't like her? Why does the husband seem so accepting of that? There's more to this story?

[shawl20]

No my daughter was always very understanding she never called him dad in front of them. He is accepting of this he says because simply he wants to see his kids, their reason for not liking me as i have already stated above is the fact that apparantely i am mean to them, which is not true. The only time i have ever told them off is if they are jumping on the furniture or have been mean to each other. I gave up my bedroom so they had their own room together which they wanted. To be honest i don't really know what else to do. Im sorry but there is no missing information, i think i have told you everything.

[Proudnscary]

Wow I wish so much my own father had done the same thing.

We hated my selfish stepmother and her histrionics yet my dad enabled her behaviour and always sided with her. We lived with them for 5 years and it damaged us.

A parent should always put their children ahead of a new partner. Divorce is often devastating for children and I take my hat off to someone taking such steps to do so.

[Proudnscary]

Ok have read a few posts now - my post above was about parents putting their kids first and is very much coloured by own experience. I realise not all stepmothers are of the evil variety.

It does seem an awful mess and your partner is obviously completely unsure about what to do. I do feel bad for your daughter btw.

What do you mean your SD say: 'I am mean to them, which is not true'?

That is giving practically zero information and you sound childish.

[NotaDisneyMum]

proud what if a parent goes on to have DCs with another partner? Do the subsequent DCs come second to the DCs from their first marriage/relationship too?

I hadn't realised the belief that its better to stay single for the sake of the children was quite so widespread to be honest. I'm starting to understand why there are so many posts on the LP board from parents who are lonely - is it really the right message to send DCs though? Should parents sacrifice their own happiness for that of the DCs? I know that my DSD is struggling with the responsibility of that - her mum is lonely and unhappy, and shares that with the DSC, but tells the them that she is staying single for their benefit

[Bonsoir]

NADM - the idea that "it's better to stay single for the sake of the children" is only one I ever hear from lone parents who (a) have failed to find a new partner (b) are deeply resentful of their ex-partner's new life with a new partner.

It is of course a completely misguided idea!

[shawl20]

Sorry Proudnscary, but i was telling people their words and not mine, if you find me saying that it is not true childish then thats up to you, i came to ask advice on something i and my partner are struggling with and if you have none apart from silly abuse then please don't answer.

[Proudnscary]

There's no easy answers. Personally I would stay single if I split from my dh BUT as I said above that is because of my incredibly negative experience of living in a step family. Of course - thankfully - others have not had such bad experiences.

It wasn't even 'that bad' ie we were not abused. But we were overlooked, snapped at, bossed about. We lived in a new house with someone we didn't love or even like, abiding by her rules.

I know what it feels like to see your parent with someone else when you are still hoping and praying your parents will get back together because you are a young child and you just don't have the emotional tools to deal with it.

Some people are blinded and distracted by new relationships and think because they are sooo happy and full of excitement and joy, their children are or should be too. It doesn't work that way.

[mutny]

It doesn't matter if your dd calls him that in front of them or not. I am sure she slips up. The point is they may feel you and your dd have taken their dad away.
I certainly do not think lone parents should remain single but I do think he needs to put his kids first. Unless they are putting your dd in danger or something equally dramatic.

When you say you gave up 'your' bedroom? Do you mean yours and your dhs? Or did you sleep separately? Where do you both sleep now?

[Proudnscary]

Saying you sounded childish is really not 'silly abuse' OP. This is a forum where threads take on lives on their own and people can and will discuss and digress. You cannot control it or tell people to get off your thread I'm afraid. Especially when there was no abuse.

[dysfunctionalme]

shawl I feel sorry for you & your daughter and I agree that you matter too. The fact he has young children who, for whatever reason, are feeling insecure to the point of demanding to see him away from you, does not alter the fact that you and your dd are his family, too.

I think life in a blended family must be very difficult to navigate and honestly if their mother is controlling well you are always going to have that in the background.

Is family therapy an option?

[Proudnscary]

Bonsoir - that's a load of rot actually, as per my above post. Some people have positive experiences of step families, many don't. Because I fell into the latter category I personally wouldn't risk this with my own children.

[shawl20]

To exotics fruits question, i have taken the two oldest out by myself and we had a really nice time, photos taken as proof, lol. My family have treated them like they do my daughter as his family have mine. I believe their mum has alot to do with the situation as she often tells them that i don't like them and that their father should be spending his time and money with them not us, which doesn't help matters.

[NotaDisneyMum]

DCs can't always express why they feel the way they do - when I talked to my DD about why she hated my DP, the only reason she could come up with was that she didn't like the radio station he listens to

Because she's mean is a perfectly likely explanation from a DC - and in the case of the 4 year old is highly unlikely to be their own opinion. As I was told on another thread recently, DCs as old as 6 or 7 will like whoever buys the the most/biggest/best toys.

The fact that the OPs DSC have been prevented from being part of their Dads wedding is pretty significant I think - a wedding can give the relationship some permanency in the eyes of adults and children. Did I read right OP that their mum refused to allow them to participate? If your DH is scared that his ex will contact block if he doesn't do things her way, then maybe it's time to seek a court order.

[shawl20]

We live in a 2 bedroom house, ( we cant afford to privately rent and the council say we not entitled to 3 bedroom as we didnt have children 2 weeks more) My partner and i gave the children our bedroom, and packed our stuff in boxes, we sleep on sofabed down stairs and when they are not there we use the little ones double bed. And to be honest no my daughter has never slipped up but also i believe she shouldn't feel she should have to hide it anyway, she never asked for all this either, she was put in the situation too.

[Procrasstinator]

I am staying single for the sake of my children binsoir not because I have failed to find someone-i haven't looked! I'm not miserable or bitter. It is possible to be a SP and be happy

[mutny]

its not easy.

But tbh, I wouldn't want to stay in a 2 bed house with another 4 kids and two adults. Based on that alone.

Its obviously very difficult, but I believe your dh is doing his best.

[digerd]

It would have been lovely for all the girls to have been bridesmaids at your wedding, but suspect it was too painful for DHs ex as he didn't marry her? Do you know why they didn't marry having 4 dc together? But in anycase, the ex should have put her feelings aside for the better of the whole extended family.
Easier said than done, but she did end the relationship herself, you said?
It does sound difficult and hope you DD is coping OK. How old is she?

[missymoomoomee]

So your dd gets a room by herself and they are all put in a room together? That might cause resentment too.

It really does sound like he is doing the right thing tbh. In the nicest possible way they are his children for life. Marriages break up sometimes but children are forever and therefore should come 1st. Although he has 'taken on' your dd that would end if your relationship did too.

[thepoodleprincess]

I suspect, if they are only that young, that the mother has had quite a lot to do with it. Small children can be easily influenced by their mother/father in these circumstances. If she sees that you and your husband and child are all living happily, she may not like it, and she may use her children as a weapon to try and upset the apple cart. I would put on a brave face, and definitely not let the mother, or the children themselves, think that you are at all worried or upset about the situation. They'll soon grow tired of hanging out places just so they can see their Dad and if the aim was to annoy you, it won't appear to have worked. I feel for you.