husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

[shawl20]

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

I'm not surprised he meets them elsewhere. You don't have the space.

I had step parents growing up, I have stepchildren and an ex husband who is the father of my DC.

I cannot imagine my DC even suggesting that they would want to see their Dad and stay with him somewhere other than his home if he had a new partner. I can't even really imagine that they would in any way resent it. It just wouldn't occur to them!

OP, from what you have said about your DH's ex preventing their DC attending your wedding, I wonder if this comes from his ex wife? The 12 year old will be old enough to recognise her mother's feelings, maybe the others not so much so. I had similar problems with my DSC at first, their Mother had left their father several years before. She didn't want to be with him. However, she very clearly resented our relationship and this became evident is DSD's behaviour, she was almost 12 at the time. DSS was younger and I got on with him fine. However, there were lots of 'stories' about how mean I was, how mean to my DH etc, all seemingly to please their Mum. Now they are much older and things are much better, presumably as they see it from a much more adult perspective. I get on well with DSD better than DSS now, although I put that partly down to DSS's age, he is 15, my own 16 year old doesn't say much either...

Sorry if ive missed a post, but can you give a real time indicator of when they broke up/when you met your DH/met his DC/got married.

Thanks.

My partner was married to his ex and the bedroom situation was what they asked for, my daughter and the 2 oldest were in one and the 2 youngest were in another, they all wanted to be together. The children all got along fine

Your partner? aren't you married?

Yes, we r married, sorry just a slip up with words.

No probs.

Any answer on the timescale question?

and the bedroom situation was what they asked for, my daughter and the 2 oldest were in one and the 2 youngest were in another, they all wanted to be together. The children all got along fine

Yes that what they asked for from what you had available. There really isn't the room for them and I suspect this upsets them. It doesn't feel like their home. It feels like being put up for the night.

Also though I do agree that the ex may have something to do with it. But by letting it happen and it not causing problems I think the novelty will soon wear off.

They need to see you are strong as a couple. But I still think your dhs is doing the right thing.

Sorry mutny we both work and still cannot afford a bigger house, my dh pays maintainance to the CSA and with all the other bills and running a car we cannot afford to rent privately, she is on benefits and has new car, 3 bedroom house with en-suite, holidays and designer clothes, shoes and handbags. We have to use what we have, we certainly can't be getting blamed for not having enough room. There is plenty of space downstairs with a huge garden. They have their own room with all their own things in it, Its only myself and dh who have no space. I had to share with my brothers and sisters when i was younger and i never came to any harm. I can't see a problem with it.

Sounds like you resent their Mum, are you sure that isn't coming across to them?

You had to share when you were younger which is fine, but what about if you had to share with 3 others while another child was in a room of their own? I'm sure you wouldn't have felt that was fair.

You need to try and look at the situation objectively from their view if you have any chance of fixing this.

There is obviously more to this and it appears that you are being evasive re timescales etc.

I don't believe she can have all those things if she's on benefits. And are you saying that there is sometime five children and two adults in a three bed house? How do you manage? Where us he going to stay with his children?

What would cause more resentment? Letting the 4 SDC share one room at their request, or forcing 2 of them to share with OPs DD?

As she has said, OP cannot do anything about the size of the house, and have given up their own room for the children's sake. They share at their mothers house as well. Knowing what I do about UK sized houses, I hardly think OPs DD is swanning around in a master suite while the poor SDC are sharing an attic space.

Two bed house I think you said.

Op you don't have to apologise for what you can afford. But you should acknowledge this is perhaps how they feel.
When their parents were together did they all share? Do they at their parents?
I didn't say it would harm them. I said they may be resentful. And they are taking it out by acting the way they are. I think you are failing to see how they are seeing this from a child perspective. Because we are not dealing with rational adults. They are children.
You also seem quite resentful of their mum. Which may be showing.

Yes 2 bed I think too. It must be difficult, but if finances don't allow a bigger house, there isn't much choice.

It says on her other thread they have been living together for a year and married for 3 months.

The op needs to look at it from her DSC view, I'm just trying to see what they may be seeing.

Yes we have been living together for a year and married for 3 months, and i do not like the fact she has what she has but i have always been nice about their mother in front of them. When he was with his previous wife they all shared, when i met him after they had split up they shared. When they will be staying at his dads they will all be sharing room and bed. We put oldest ones together as they were all roughly the same age and the two little ones together as they are nearer in age, they asked to be put all together so that is what we did and thats why my daughter has her own room and no Amberleaf i am not being evasive and to my knowledge there isn't anything else to it.

So when you dh was with his ex they had 4 kids in one room?
sorry op, but I think that you think everything is fine when its not. Kids usually pick up on resentment. Like they may pick up on their mums (which is forming their view) they will probably pick up on yours.
The situation is not anyones 'fault' but you really seem not to want to see this from their perspective but justly your and your dds. Which is fine except you want your dh to do the same and not from his own kids.

Their pov is woman comes along marries their dad. Moves into a house too small for them. They get 'given' a new sister who all of a sudden starts acting like their dad is hers. Then they get a choice of some sharing with this girl or all bunking together. they choose to bunk together, but 'their' room isn't 'theirs' at all. Because dad and SM sleep in there. Making it a room shared between 6 people. Not their space.
They may feel their SM only has her own Childs interest at heart and not thinking of them all.

We can sit and argue about the fact they need to accept he is married. But they are kids, with kids emotions and are not very good sorting these emotions out.
So at the moment their father is meeting their wishes as he probably feels bad about not being able to give them their own room etc.

ok thank you all v much for your advice

I think it sounds suboptimal, but the situation isn't helped by your daughter not having contact with her father. It sounds as though that isn't by your choice but your stepkids may resent your daughter treating their father as though he was her father as well just because you had conceived a child with a man who had no interest in being a father.
My husband and I have kids from previous marriages but all natural parents see the kids so there is no confusion over the parent/ step parent role. My kids know that they are special to me and they are the only kids I'll ever have. My stepkids have their own mother and don't need me to mother them. Similarly my kids' father doesn't pretend to be anyone else's father.

DH would spend weekends, sometimes nights with his DC after we were were married. It didn't really do much to help our relationship and 10 yrs on we are quite distanced and still v much working on our relationship.
You should spend time apart sure but quality family time together is v important too.

Shawl20 I wasn't aware of you having another thread with more detail and you kept not answering my question.

Thanks missymoomoomee for pointing that out.

shawl I think for your own sense of happiness you need to get over your 'not liking' of what your DHs EXW has, it's really not relevant to you, I can see why you may resent it as your DH has to pay money to her via CSA and things being tight in your house, but that's just how it is.

Don't underestimate children being able to pick up on how you feel.

Your feeling resentful is what I meant by there possibly being more to it.

Can totally understand how this arrangement of your DH staying away with his children is not helping your relationship particularly after previously having had them stay in your home.

Your DH does need to do what is right for his children, but also presenting a united front with you is necessary. Your DH needs to get to the bottom of this, but he needs to risk displeasing his children, he can't be disney dad about it.

Sarah do you mean you and DH are quite distanced now as a result or you and DSCs ?

l agree with your last line btw. When my DH used to be so engrossed in making sure his (aged 18yrs) son never ever felt second best and was involved fully in everything when we first moved in together he 'forgot' to think of us as a couple. We had a huge row one day and l ranted at him 'FFS l fully expect to wake up one morning and he'll be propped up in bed between us so he wont feel left out !!!!'
I told him there had to be a 'me and him' aswell as a 'me, him and his sonsname' or l was off.