husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

[shawl20]

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

I don't think anyone is saying a "new" extended family is automatically a good thing for the children.. I think it's just realistic to accept that there IS a new family situation and to try and be positive about it and make the most of it. And denying it exists by avoidance doesn't make it not so.

And I really don't understand the negativity surrounding step families on lots of parenting boards. They can and do work and bring lots of happiness to those who have moved on to new relationships and also bring new security to children involved. Its a bit unfortunate that step families boards are full of issues. But I would imagine for every problem posted there are 20x the amount of happy step families like mine who would never have the need to post.

I agree - No-one has the right to stop someone else doing what they believe is right, particularly when DCs are involved - but in a marriage, expressing honest opinions, and having them listened to, is a key to success IMO.
If the OP has been dismissed, told its none of her business, or accused of blackmailing her DH because she disagrees with him, then the partnership is not an equal one and far less likely to be successful and happy.

In my experience happy step families are only happy because all the adults involved genuinely want the best for the children and make a big effort to make that happen. Sometimes even by sacrificing their own wants.

Yes, it can be done, but it's not always easy. The question that constantly needs to be asked by the adults is 'will this lead to the children being better off?' If the answer is yes, and all the adults are on the same page, then blended families can be very successful. But that doesn't always happen.

If the OP has been dismissed, told its none of her business, or accused of blackmailing her DH because she disagrees with him, then the partnership is not an equal one and far less likely to be successful and happy.

The OP wouldn't need to be told it was none of her business if she was supportive of her husbands parenting decisions about his own children.

I normally try to keep out of these things but I have to say I completely agree with fairylea. I have a (usually!) happy step family. I get on very well with my DSC's and DH and I parent them pretty much together. What has worked for us is trying to have as normal a family life as possible. I'm not saying this will work in every situation but I think there are plenty of situations where it does work. OP - please repost in the stepparents section.

I'd like to add that I don't always blindly accept DH's parenting decisions and if I think he's wrong I'll tell him. Just like I would if it was something regarding DS. It works very well for us.

outraged What you have described (unquestioning support of a partner when making decisions about DCs) is often referred to as disengaging.
The step-parent effectively disengages from any emotional and/or practical involvement with the DCs and accepts without question, comment or judgement the decision of their partner. Sometimes, as in the OPs case, they take no responsibility for the care of the DCs either and may never see them.

It can work in some cases - often very successfully where there are significant differences of opinion between the parent and the step-parent; the DCs become an off-limit topic, something they just don't discuss.

But it often causes tension because the decision of the parent will often cause significant disruption to the step-parent and any step, or half-siblings involved.

In the OPs case, her DH expects her, with no discussion or consultation, to be available to care for their child while he is regularly absent from the family home. Whatever the reasons for his absence, that shows a lack of respect for the OP is bound to create resentment in the long term.

Being picky, it's not actually THEIR child- she said that her daughter treats her stepfather as her dad.

I wonder if this is what is causing some resentment among HIS children- that they have to share their time with their Dad, whereas another child gets him all the week

Fair enough mardy - in which case, assuming that the OP can do her own thing when she wants to with her DD (such as stay away from home overnight) without discussion with her DH first, then I see no issue - although its not what I would describe as a marriage.

NotaDisneyMum

Gosh.
DW has a right to say what goes on in her house (the one I share with her)
DW has a right to say what she thinks about how I bring up my children
DW has a right to agree rules for how people behave in our house

DW has no rights at all to to put obstacles in my way of seeing my children, who were my children before she was my wife; she also knew that they would come first.

Academic now as they're all growed-up, but still.

Not easy as I now know from being in a similar situation. Just try to be supportive of him and make it clear they are always welcome if they change their minds but don't push it and please don't try to stop him seeing them event though I know it hurts they won't see you. Thing may change in the future but even if they don't at least you'll always know you supported his relationship with his children on their terms.

My fucking bitch step mum wouldn't let us see our dad at their home and wouldn't let him spend any nights with us. It caused bitter bitter resentment and eventually dad left her because she was pulling him apart from his children :(

onemore Surely the expectation that a spouse is involved in a decision that regularly takes you away from the family home overnight is not an obstacle?

Every marriage is different - but for me, being told to like it or lump it with no discussion is not part of marriage. Couples should be free to disagree IMO; not restricted on the opinions they are permitted to express!

NotaDisneyMum sure, spouse can be involved...

When push comes to shove either spouse will be away overnight, or he won't.
Whose final decision is it?

Possibly his, as they are his kids. He spends most of his time with OP's kid... who isn't his.

I agree - at the end if the day, it's the decision of the parent - to be made in an informed way, taking everything and everyone into consideration.

I do not resent my DP for making decisions he believes are right for his DCs - I would thoroughly resent him if he made those decisions having refused to listen to me or consider my opinion.

I may have misinterpreted the OP, but it sounds like she's had this presented to her as a done deal, with no discussion or consideration - if that is the case, then to answer her question, IMO, no, it is not right.

I understand what you are saying about disengaging NotADisneyMum, but a line has to be drawn somewhere.

Sometimes what the new partner wants is in direct conflict to what is best for the dc, and in cases like that, obviously the needs of the dc should come first.

You say you don't resent your dp for making decisions for his dc but you would if he didn't listen to you or consider your opinion. But the step parents opinion can only carry so much weight.

I expect my DH to take responsibility for my dc and he considers them in decisions he makes, but any decisions that need to be made for the dc will always remain mine and my ex's responsibility. If my husband ever tried to object, then he knows where the door is. I take his opinions on board to help me come to my decision, but ultimately, if we disagree, he gets no say at all.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos
Surely you can't have

I expect my DH to take responsibility for my dc

and

decisions that need to be made for the dc will always remain mine and my ex's responsibility.

He doesn't get to make the decisions, he can't take the responsibility.

Maybe I didn't explain myself very well. I expect him to take responsibility in that if I ask him for help with something to do with the dc (trivial stuff, like when the printer won't print their homework and I have no idea how to fix it) I expect him to help.

But I wouldn't tolerate it if my ex and I chose a school for our child and he objected because he preferred a different one.

Thankfully, we all think along the same lines so its never been a problem. Like I said earlier, as long as all the adults involved have the children's best interests at heart, then problems can be solved.

On the other hand, my ex's GF does, IMO, try to create obstacles. She objected last year when ex and I (with DHs agreement) chose to get dc1 a laptop as he was starting secondary school. She felt it was unfair because her dc (not ex's) wouldn't get one because she couldn't afford it. In that situation, her opinion had to be ignored because it she had had her own way, our child would have missed out on something beneficial to him. She didn't like it, but that's her problem.

It is such a minefield - when does a step-parents opinion have validity and when doesn't it?

If choices made by a parent regarding DCs from a previous relationship directly impact on the financial or emotional wellbeing of their family, then doesn't the family have the right to be considered too? While I accept that an adult can choose whether or not to get/stay involved with a partner who dismisses their needs, what about DCs of that new relationship? Would it make a difference if the OPs DH was her DDs father? Or would his DD have to accept that her Dad has another life with other children?

Do the children with older half-siblings have to accept that their needs will never be placed ahead of their older siblings, who were there first? I don't think that happens if siblings share both parents - often the older child has to go without in order for the younger child to receive the attention/space/resources they need.

Makes me wonder if the op was the other woman and the kids resent /don't like her at the moment.

OP I don't see how that situation can be maintained for a long period of time. If there is no real reason why the children dislike you then perhaps one or two visits as proposed whilst your husband tries to establish the underlying issue in order that you can all eventually get on and be able to establish staying contact within your family home. Everyone has feelings about these situations, regardless of which party you are, but the most appropriate course of action is the healthiest one and that would be for parents to source the underlying issue, help the children come to terms with their new situation and support them to move on within the new set up.

Being encouraged to remain in a a situation that encourages division and negativity will inevitably end up in separation somewhere down the line between new partners or parents/children and nobody wants that.

Ah, there it is - thanks passion, my faith in MN has just been restored

Despite your convictions, it is perfectly possible for a step parent not to have been a factor in the ending of a relationship, and you may find it even more surprising to know that sometimes, DCs take a dislike to those step-parents.

An equally valid question of course, even if the OP was a factor in the end of the marriage is how would the DCs know that?

NotaDisneyMum I wondered myself why that line keeps coming out in the case of stepchildren not liking their step-parent.

Just at the weekend I was asked by a family member of my husband to go in by their house on Boxing day so that my husband may see his children and spend time with them and his ex-wife because they believe I am stopping him seeing them. They feel that he needs to 'rekindle' his relationship with his ex-wife for the sake of the children. I don't think he meant to use that word but I was quite clear in my response.

The end of a marriage whatever the reasons should be between the husband and wife, not the whole family.

Children aren't stupid and have good ears.

And no the op might not be the cause of the breakdown of the marriage. I was just speculating like all of you. Could be the kids acting up, or exwife, dh, or op, or a combo of things.

I think we need more background from the op.
How long have you been together. Where is your dc when the children come to stay, is she with her father or at home. Does she get along well with the step children?
Whose decision was it for your dh and ex to seperate etc etc. All these factors have a baring on things. I can't believe that a 4 year old has said they don't like you, but the 12 year old will have strong feelings on the matter.
I think carry on for the time being but suggest your dh stops staying out in the near future.

I know a woman who left her husband, not sure why, but there was no OW/OM, and no violence. She refused to accept any maintenance from him or the half share of the house, as wanted DSs to visit dad in the marital home.
He met another woman who had 2 DSs, and they both sold their houses and moved into a 5-bed house. He also said, to my horror, that he had a new family now. The boys did not want to visit him in this new house with new wife and " new sons", They did all go away once on holiday, with mum giving her boys spending money. Dad bought his DSSs ice-creams out of his money, but told his own sons they had to pay for theirs out of their money.!!!!. They told their mum when back home and were very upset. How horrid for those boys