husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

[shawl20]

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Yes, it is up to adults to decide what is best long term. Absolutely.

But I think too many people use that as an excuse to do what they want to do rather than what is best for the dc. Sometimes it is better for the dc if their parents remain single, or at least remain in a relationship that doesn't take any time or attention away from the dc they already have.

We don't know that they will be staying in a B&B. They might be staying with the grandparents, they might be staying at another property.

And you are assuming that the OP and her DH are a secure family unit. They might not be. The children might have a valid reason for not wanting to stay with OP and her child.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

I mean I got married to someone who isn't my dcs Father, and allowed him to move in with us.

[TinyDancingHoofer]

As an adult you have to accept and learn to get on with family members' new partners
Yes as an adult, and generally you don't have to live with them or even stay at their house. I am agreeing with Freddos, some people sound a bit off. Family time at home with mum and dad is completely different to family time with people you don't consider family. These children clearly don't consider OP family and being forced to spend time with her will only make them resent that.

[Madelinethepumpkin]

Oh right I see

No, we don't know for sure. But I can't think of any reason for the children not to like her... Unless she is a really mean person who hates children, in which case presumably she would prefer for them to stay away!

I do think it is good to give a period of time between break up and introduction if a new partner. I think guidelines are 6 months or something. But, saying that, life is rarely black and white and if Dad has taken the decision for a gf to move in, it should really work if its managed positively by all adults concerned. Children usually follow their primary carer's lead in what they feel comfortable with.
My dsd's mum made it very clear to dsd that she thought mine and her dads relationship wouldn't last, I was too young, I was after his money, I was stealing her dads time (despite the fact that after their divorce he was spending more than double the time he used to spend with dsd) - unsurprisingly dsd never accepted me and now DH hardly sees her at all. He spent quite a bit of time seeing her alone as that's what she wanted. But the demands became more and more to the exclusion of anything that made DH the person he is - family, interests, me, his home. It was all on her terms and in the end he told her that she either accepted her father for who he was, or he didn't want the relationship. But she was older by then.
Very very sad, had she been allowed to make her own mind up and come here guilt free and without ridicule from her mum, she could have had two loving homes - instead, she has lost her relationship with a wonderful father.
Mum has now met someone else, (in fact she's had several partners all if whom she introduced immediately to her dd and whom her dd accepted happily) - I used to think maybe it was me, and that I was genuinely unlikeable to her... But now we are years down the line I can accept that isn't the case.

[Madelinethepumpkin]

But tinydancinghoofer, they ARE a family. And the children need to be gently encouraged by all parties to accept that.

[NotaDisneyMum]

I'm sure it's not good for DCs of any age to be given responsibility for choosing whom their parents live with.

When my DSD gave my DP an ultimatum to choose between her or me I expected him to work to resolve the issues and commit the DCs to family counselling and support.
Giving in to their demands suggests that their Dad feels guilty in some way and has to make things up to the DCs

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

They are a family, but his obligation is to his first family, not his second.

I realise there are people out there who will go out of their way to make things difficult for an ex and their new partner and that is very very wrong. But the ex in these situations can't control the other parent, only themselves, and they should do whatever it takes to maintain a good relationship with their children, even if its detrimental to their new relationship. The children were there first.

OP knew there would be a strong possibility of problems in the future when she decided to marry a man who already has four children, and a possibly difficult ex. That is a choice she made. The children in this had no choice at all.

I don't understand why the children are saying this now. Their Dad should have made sure his children were comfortable with his new partner before he got married.

[OneMoreChap]

NotaDisneyMum
Giving in to their demands suggests that their Dad feels guilty in some way and has to make things up to the DCs

you mean there are parents of any type who don't feel guilty about something with their kids?

I would have thought there were certainly few men who feel no guilt about disrupting their kids family life, no matter how much better it is for all concerned in the long run.

[WofflingOn]

They don't get a choice over whom their parents live with, children never do.
However, it seems as if they are wanting to exercise a degree of choice over whom they spend their time with, and how.
But they still have no power to enforce that choice, children never do.

[OneMoreChap]

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos
Their Dad should have made sure his children were comfortable with his new partner before he got married.

Quite right!
Similarly if a mum wants to have a new partner, she should explain to any potential partner that they will face an interview panel of the children, and that they will have the final decision. As they do in so many other things.

[sudaname]

Yes but l think it is unwise to condone and feed such a horrible negative unfair (l'm presuming now as OP hasnt returned to say otherwise) emotion in children. By going along with this her DH is doing just that. Hatred ( and it must be bordering on that if they dont want to even be anywhere near her) is a very destructive emotion for both the hater and the hated and the people around them.
If it is unjustified (or even largely) it should be tackled, or even mild dislike could fester into hatred. l just hate the thought of children being brought up, conditioned to harbour such emotions, instead of positive ones. I would go as far as to say it can have a detrimental effect on their whole outlook on life as adults. Most of us have known negative people like this, they dont like her, they dont like him, often for the flimsiest of reasons or worse, for no reason ('l dont know, l just dont like the look of them' etc). Most of us also know people who will always give the benefit of the doubt, see the best in people whenever possible and always give another chance to those who wrong them.

I agree fully with ltEveDallas post at 10:07 on this.

[Madelinethepumpkin]

But outraged how do we know that a man isnt putting his children first. Surely dad knows what is best for his children long term than they do?
I am constantly making decisions that piss my daughter off!

[EuroShagmore]

I don't think the children should be able to dictate how their father spends time with them. There are clearly issues here and they need to be worked through, but I am not sure that the proposed arrangement will resolve anything.

[sudaname]

No EuroShag - l dont either. Just fester more problems.

[TinyDancingHoofer]

OP, her DD and her DH are a family, yes but that doesn't mean his children will consider her family nor should they be forced to. Their dad saying this is my new family and you have to join in and play nice would probably not go down well.
Every situation is different and i don't feel we have enough details about how OP was introduced to the children and when, etc.

[Madelinethepumpkin]

Suda, you are very right and have highlighted an opinion that I hadn't quite got straight in my head.
It is not very healthy is it...

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I think that there is nothing wrong with this as long as it is short term. For whatever reason your DH's children do not like you. Do you know why that can be OP? What they are seeking is reassurance from their dad that he loves them as much as he loves you.

If he is happy to do this then support him. If the same situation is still occurring in months, he might need to look at why things are not moving forward and deal with it accordingly. All you can do ATM and in future is support him in maintaining a relationship with his children. Good luck.

[Fairylea]

Unless there are very solid and understandable reasons why the dc do not like you I think personally they will have to suck it up. And in time they will learn to accept you and the new set up - and they have a new sibling they need to bond with!! (Your dc).

I am part of a blended family. I have dd aged 9 from a previous relationship and married dh a few years ago and we have ds aged 5 months. Dh treats dd like his own. We are a family full stop. Dd still has lots of contact with her dad.

If you have made efforts to include the children and cannot see why they are being like this then I think your dh needs to say this is where I'm living now so you will stay with me if you want to stay overnight. Yes by all means have time just him and the children but ultimately they need to adapt.

I was horrible to every one of my mums boyfriends (not many I assure you! ) when I was about 12-13 as I didn't want her to have a partner that wasn't my dad. I didn't realise that even if she wasn't with anyone they wouldn't be together anyway- do the dc know this? I scared offall of her partners and now at 64 years old she is alone. Don't let the kids push you apart.

[missymoomoomee]

The kids are probably jealous of the time OPs dd spends with their Dad and don't want to share their time with him with someone who sees him every day. Can't blame them really, it has to be hard at that age to see another child 'taking over' their role.

My DSS was really jealous when I had my son. They didn't like seeing their Dad being a full time father to him when they felt they had ben denied it. I got a babysitter for my DS once a month and made sure they were both mine and their Dads full focus, when they felt secure that we weren't favouring DS over them it was fine and we all have a great relationship now.

[NotaDisneyMum]

The choice to place a DCs wishes (to dictate the terms of their contact with Dad) ahead if their needs (to have a relationship with their Dad) will undoubtedly have long term consequences.

At some point in the future, the Dad will refuse his DCs wishes (inevitably, because the DCs demands will get more and more extreme until they are subject to some boundaries).

It will be a lot harder for the DCs to accept their Dads refusal to fulfil their wishes then - and he may find himself rejected by his DCs and without the OP because he disregarded her needs in favour of his DCs wishes

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

I think some posters are assuming that a new family for the father is automatically going to be a good thing for the existing children, and that's just not always the case.

Whether the children are right or wrong to feel the way they do is irrelevant. The fact is that they do feel this way and their feelings are valid and should be respected. Not to the point that they get to dictate what their Dad does with his life, but enough that they aren't left feeling that their opinions and feelings don't matter to their Dad.

The father in this scenario is feeling that its best that for now he goes along with his children's wishes, and OP has to respect that too. She doesn't get to dictate any more than the children do. If that's what the Father of these children wants to do for them, then OP really has no business trying to stop him. It's not her choice to make.

[NotaDisneyMum]

The OP has a perfect right to feel aggrieved at her DH unilateral decision to leave the marital home and their family.
Presumably she married with the expectation that her DH would sleep next to her at night?

This is something that should be discussed as a family, the OP has every right to expect her views to be listened to and considered. Ultimately, it is her DH's decision whether or not he leaves the family home on a regular basis to maintain a separate life with his DCs - but the OP also has a choice; whether she accepts that as part of her marriage, or not.

[WofflingOn]

So, leave the bastard OP, he's got enough on his hands as it is.
If you want to be your partner's first priority, choose one without excess baggage.

[Sassybeast]

It's his choice, his decision and you have to accept it and try to make things right with the children. You won't do that by trying to dictate and coerce all of them into doing what YOU want. One of the greatest blunders that step mothers make IMO is trying to force 'happy families' when children are upset, perhaps traumatised by their parents split and have lots of issues. Take a step back and let your husband parent his children as he sees fit.

And as an aside - does YOUT daughter call your husband daddy ? How old is she?

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

She has the right to feel aggrieved and she has the right to decide whether she puts up with it or not. But she doesn't have the right to try and stop him from doing what he thinks is best for his children.

The OP and her DH are a family, but his children are his family too, and they are more important. He was once family to their Mother as well, and as his co parent, she also has a right to expect her views to be listened to and considered.

Second and subsequent wives don't tend to like that, but if they can't live with it then they shouldn't get involved with people who already have children.