In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

[Shagmundfreud]

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this.

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

What she spends her money on is irrelevant. What is relevant is that she is taking you for a massive ride by not paying you what she owes you and you have let her get away with it!! You have to tell her she needs to pay up in full or no more child care. I'll bet she doesn't owe the nursery fees left over from July!

the thing is you have to behave according to your own beliefs or standards. the op has behaved in a way that she feels comfortable with, ie helping somebody in a difficult situation. her friend, however, doesn't have the same set of values, but that does not mean that what the op has done is in any way wrong. in fact, imho, quite the reverse.

OP, I do apologise. In your original post you talked about your friend conceiving DC3, and her husband moving back in then - I assumed this was recently, whereas I am guessing she must have had the baby and is not currently pregnant.

So you are are sure that 'after expenses' you are under the tax threshold. I find myself wondering if both of your part time jobs are cash in hand. I suppose it is not relevant to this thread - or at least, only in that you are judging your friend's spending habits and benefit fraud.

I am familiar with AIBU. I think many problems here arise because posters want to be sympathised with, told what lovely people they are, and are basically seeking approval.

When they don't get it, it upsets them. Happens time and again.

"the op has behaved in a way that she feels comfortable with, ie helping somebody in a difficult situation. her friend, however, doesn't have the same set of values"

Yes - this is true. I judge people by my own standards, and I'd rather have my pubes ripped out one by one than owe anyone money. I always assume that friends are completely honourable about these things, that if they haven't paid me there must be a good reason and they'll sort it out as soon as they can, without me having to say anything. I find it painful asking for money - because I find it painful thinking badly of my friend.

The lesson I've learned from this is the old boring one - don't mix friendship and money.

"I find myself wondering if both of your part time jobs are cash in hand."

You're desperate to try to pin something on me. Why?

"I am familiar with AIBU. I think many problems here arise because posters want to be sympathised with, told what lovely people they are, and are basically seeking approval"

No - I don't think that's the case. I think though that people who feel they've behaved in an ethical way don't like being accused of having dodgy morals by someone who hasn't read their posts properly or is making wild and unsupported speculations.

didn't realise that the government now pays supply teachers cash in hand, wheresmyspecs.

do keep up

"didn't realise that the government now pays supply teachers cash in hand, wheresmyspecs"

I don't do supply teaching in state schools. I never said I did. Which you'd know if you'd read my posts.

The 5 weeks part time teaching I mentioned earlier on the thread was at a private tutorial centre in exchange for them giving my dd some tutoring in the subjects I couldn't cover with her (she now has a school place thank fuck so that's not an issue any more).

My other teaching work is paid by BACS straight into my bank account, so all above board.

Again - why are you jumping to conclusions about my honesty based on incomplete information?

The value of the tutoring you received in exchange for your employment will be liable for tax.

The reason why your "friend" cough cough, is able to afford an iPhone5, graze boxes, organic meat etc is because she is a thief and liar and is stealing from every taxpayer and denying money to those genuinely in need. Apart from the fact that she sounds like she is using you for free childcare, she is committing a crime and when she is caught her kids will suffer even more than they are now, so it is better that she is caught sooner rather than later and has less to pay back or, god forbid for her kids, sent to prison.

"The value of the tutoring you received in exchange for your employment will be liable for tax"

True. I should have included it in my tax return.

But I'd still not pay tax. I really do earn diddly squat over the course of the year.

freud I don't doubt it - I don't earn enough to pay tax either, despite having a p/t job and my own business!

But, it would be worth checking out whether what you do for your friend is defined an CMing - if you do fall foul of OFSTED regulations, it will make it harder for you to work with children in the future (list 99 and all that)

I'm very sorry to read you're being taken advantage of, I think if you can't bear to do face-to-face (I hate confrontations!), then a text as previously suggested along the lines of "Just done my accounts, looks like you've not paid since July and it's now $x, when do you think you'll be able to pay?" is a comfortable middle-ground.

I've been a little surprised to see so many familiar names on this thread - names who are frequently found to cry that benefit fraud does not exist.

wheresmyspecs who can't read?!?

Am utterly flabbergasted by your need to jump to illogical conclusions and try and pin some sort of tax evasion guilt trip on the OP. It's just odd.

OP is not in breach of OFSTED regulations -see my post earlier in thread about exemptions

OP is not avoiding or evading paying tax on income as she has said she doesn't earn enough to be over her personal tax allowance

But if we all keep trying I'm sure we can pin something on her rather than answer her q about whether she is unreasonable to judge her friends spending when she is owed money for providing a perfectly legal service.

OP - answer the questions:
have you ever taken extra toilet paper from a municpal loo for purposes unrelated to the wiping of your nether regions?

have you ever wasted public money by pressing the button on a pedestrian crossing and then crossed BEFORE the green man came up?

Have you ever taken a form of any type from a post office (passport, tax renewal etc) and then mislaid or not used it thus placing extra burdens on a cash-strapped service?

Well? Have you?

Excellent post LateDeveloper!

so op are you going to stop quoting peoples posts back at them and do something about your friend?

*Well - I'm afraid it is rocket science in the sense that it's the reason why millions of women in this country don't work, or don't work as much as they need to, or don't clear enough money from work after they've paid their childcare.

For those people who start work at 9 and have a commute to work which can be over an hour, childcare is going to be a massive problem.

Especially those who, like her, have no family nearby to help (her family live in Australia).*

I will spell it out.

I had child on my own... no OH. I was a midwife in a fully rotational role (nights, days, no set hours). Family over 200 miles away and 90% of friends also shift workers.

I was the first midwife in a very very long time in my area to get flexible working - it took a massive battle and I had to comprise HUGELY.
I have continues to fight for regular set hours and compromise on what I want from my career in order to work hours that suit childcare arrangement (so mon-fri 8-6pm)

She is NOT special or hard done by anymore than I am. In fact I live about 5 minutes away from a hospital that has hundreds of families like hers getting through the best they can to cover childcare. There are overseas nurses I know who manage childcare with NO family and both parents working shifts!!!
Most pay WELL over the odds for ok childcare and most pay for childcare they do not end up needing so that they can make themselve available for work.

She CAN resolve this but she will have to compromise and so will her husband.
And until you accept that you will continue to fall for her 'poor me' story and helpe her out when in effect she is laughing at you - childcare to have a day off and gadget galore... she is playing you.
I'm not excusing her fraudulant claiming - I do feel angry and a bit sick about that. I'm just pointing out that it's an absolute bugger trying to organise flexible childcare for some people.

*"Her OH might even have to ask for flexible working too... "

Not in the job he does. Not feasible. (because I appreciate that everyone is entitled to ask, but not everyone is going to get, flexible hours).*

See above and it will come down to this - if it doesn't work (as it finally as for me) then one of them might have to stop working... the iphone, graze box buying days are over but again families manage...

By the way, there is no legal requirement for insurance or references if a parent is willing to take you on without them. I don't earn enough to pay tax. (makes not to fill in tax return).

Katiecubs - that was where someone else's comment has come from - OP is yet to declare her earnings but is planning to.

ooohhh plenty of arse kissing going on here

And wheresmyspecs who are you, the Inspecter Clueso? You've persistently dug and dug to try and pin something on shagmund.

Bloody bold hasn't worked - most of that is OP throwing my post at me... because I clearly have no idea what it is like to be a working woman

ooohhh plenty of arse kissing going on here

Erm, was that aimed at me?

"I'm just pointing out that it's an absolute bugger trying to organise flexible childcare for some people."

Yes. As I said.

Enough of this idle chit chat..... What are you going to do OP ???

Are you going to send a text or not ?

(if you don't mind me asking )

PMSL at LateDeveloper
OP, you still haven't answered those questions...well?

LateDeveloper it isn't necessary to keep trying to 'pin something' on OP- in not declaring the work she's been doing for her friend on her tax return, she's breaking the law. It doesn't matter in the slightest whether the money makes any difference to tax liability or not. Something is either legal or it isn't, and this isn't. OP I couldn't give two sucks of a dead donkey's dick whether you do paid, under the radar childcare for a friend when you're not liable for tax anyway. But do be careful, that's all, because if you do paid work without declaring it then you're bang to rights. People can and do get fined for doing what you're doing. If she'd never paid you at all it might be different. btw I know you're not shopping her, and your rationale for not doing so makes perfect sense.

Oh, and whoever was asking about HB upthread: it isn't usually paid directly to the landlord. It can be, in certain circumstances, but OP hasn't said anything to make me think any of those apply here. Also it may not be full HB, if the friend is working, and even if it is it may not cover the whole of the rent.