In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

[Shagmundfreud]

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this.

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

I think your text is good by the way. You can be more assertive in the second text if need be.

Shagmundfreud - I'd be inclined to remove "Feel bad asking when I know you're struggling" from the text, but otherwise I like it. I can understand why you wouldn't want the text to sound too agressive given that she lives 4 doors down from you and has kids at school with yours.

Good luck.

I would write;
Hi, I have just been going through my finances as I am expecting some expenses in the next couple of weeks and could really do with you paying me for the outstanding childcare (£xxx to date). If you can't pay immediately can you please pay what you can and let me know when you will be able to pay the remainder. (insert benign comment about the weather, shool,or whatever) Thanks, speak soon.

No apologies or wishy washy'ness. Remember she can afford to pay you but is choosing not too.

OP -

If you are working cash in hand and not declaring your earnings, you are doing something illegal because you have decided you are morally entitled to it.

Of course you can justify it to yourself. The same way anyone fiddling their income to make the most of any benefit or tax credit etc does. [you don't claim tax credits, I take it? which might be affected by your earnings as obviously they use joint income for a couple].

It is also a truism that everyone thinks what THEY are doing is reasonable. And it doesn't stop them getting on their high horse when someone else is doing it.

PS cahoots' text message seems very reasonable to me. It is assertive and clear without being hostile (which will seem very odd out of the blue) or passive aggressive (which is just pointlessly unpleasant).

Those who are saying its illegal must have never heard of babysitting/babysitters.

Whereas - I don't get tax credits.

I don't earn enough to pay tax.

I claim no means tested benefits.

You can call it whatever you like and justify however you like - but working regularly and not declaring income is illegal.

Nearly 12 hours a day - let's assume a childminding rate of £6 per hour? at what varies but would be at least 1 day a week -

That's close to three and a half grand a year. Hmm. Not bad. Bit different from the odd night of babysitting.

As I have said, I am not opposed to all forms of cash in hand, far from it. But if I was benefitting from it, I would be more likely to give other people working the system the benefit of the doubt.

Where's - she hasn't paid me since July. She owes me about £250.

Seriously - cease with the bosom hoiking. I'm not defrauding anyone.

Nothing really to add - just absolutely shocked by some of the whiter than white people on this thread, wheresmespecs can't quite work out if you are actually being serious or not?! Perhaps you need to take up a new hobby or something.

good luck with the text OP.

DON'T apologise or say you feel bad. Why? She can afford to pay you. She'd rather spend it on herself, however.

Even three and a half grand is nowhere near the OP's personal allowance. She doesn't have to declare or pay tax on it unless there is any other income ie from tax credits which takes the total to over eight thousand

op you said you don't earn enough to pay tax, but further up the thread you said you have a very well paid very part time job

so if you add this childcare job and your well paid part time job together don't you then earn enough to pay tax?

you can't just base it on one of your jobs, you have 2 jobs, you are moaning you haven't been paid in this job, well that means its income and should be declared

maybe your friend is complaining on some other site about her friend expecting to be paid when she doesn't even declare the money?

Guess who only skimmed the thread?

Anyway, you should wave goodbye to the money and piss-taking friend and send expat's text I reckon.

shagmund - really feel for you - this is a tricky situation.
i think you are right to stop the free child-care. you sound fond of your friend's ds - you can still have a relationship with him, don't feel you have to cease all contact just because she is taking the piss.

you also sound like a lovely friend, but sadly you can't give to her at the expense of yourself as in the long run this isn't fair to anyone. again, you can still be supportive towards her, without having to provide her with free childcare. i really hope you can sort this out, keep us posted.

good luck.

No, I don't need a new hobby. I find being a mum and working full time as the main breadwinner keeps me fairly busy.

As I have said before (some people just can't seem to read very well) - I am not totally opposed to people working cash in hand, even where the amount paid is considerably more than peanuts. It all depends on circumstance, IMO.

However, it involves risk - risk that when things go wrong, it is impossible to get money you are owed. As far as working as cash in hand childminder on a regular basis, I would be worried about insurance and legal liability too. Perhaps that's just me.

My point is that if you are 'working the system' yourself, it is hypocritical to judge others who are doing the same. Especially if they are pregnant, have a partner with a life limiting illness and are behind with the rent.

The OP should ask for and get her money, no question. She was always going to ask. Sad that she needed a long thread drumming up attacks on her friend to get her dander up.

This person sounds like an absolute taker. And is no friend. I don't know her so it is difficult to say whether you will ever get the money she owes you. I wouldn't say anything to her about the benefit fraud for the time being. But if you want to report her then do. It's no better than stealing the taxpayer's money.

How can the OP pay tax anyway? She hasn't been paid anything!

Text

Hi X, am reviewing finances and I calculate x amount is owed since blank date. I'ld be grateful if we could bring the payments up to date. Looking forward to seeing you soon. All the best y.

I only work a few hours a week in my other job. I only care for my friends dc's for the odd day here and there. Honestly - once all expenses are claimed for I have no tax to pay!

Lordy, some people are desperate to finger me for tax evasion. Honestly - I'm not a tax dodger!

Oh, and friend is not pregnant!

And I have no intention of informing on her for benefit fraud!

Ok?

Good text Molly.

Wheres - are you judging my morals for anonymously posting about my irksome situation in AIBU?

Are there any other morally objectionable threads here? People complaining about their MIL's attitude (why are they talking about family behind their backs?) Or saying they're upset about their DH's behaviour (how disloyal!). Really, what is this board for?

I suspect you don't really get AIBU. You definitely haven't read my posts properly.

Write to Inland Revenue. Tell them that as a good citizen you feel obligation to inform them about money you haven't received (and i'm afraid you will probably never receive).

op, I'd suggest instead of getting your knickers in a twist about what an anonymous poster thinks of you on the internet, you need to direct your anger at your friend and what you're letting her do to you