In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

[Shagmundfreud]

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this.

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

I do a tax return every year.

Do you think the IR would pursue someone for a couple of hundred pounds worth of undeclared income when that person is either at or below their allowance? Given the current crisis of staffing at the HMRC?

I know that theoretically they could, but I suspect this year they'll have their hands full dealing with the CB fiasco the Tories have created.

I don't Shagmund.

Why has this thread turned into an 'AIBU to not complete a tax return when i am under the tax threashold' anyway?

The OP is not asking for advice here so why are people so insistant on sticking their oar in?!

katie probably because the advice, to whistleblow on the OPs friend (who owes her money) for benefit fraud, has been dismissed - which has led to questioning of the OPs wider ethics and morals.

I think the OP has been very naive - its fairly obvious that if her friend is prepared to defraud the benefits system, it's unlikely that she has any qualms about freeloading off her friends.

OP what I don't understand is why you are so massively over invested in your friend's life and children? Don't you have your own family to look after and prioritise?

Go and find another hobby, that doesn't leave you out of pocket and wound up.

She is not a friend.She is a taker.she sees you as a doormat.Make up some reason why you can't mind her kids and distance yourself from her.

I don't know Shagmund, I'd hope not. They're fuckers when they've decided to get their teeth in though, which is why you should be careful. Just in case. You don't need to be out of pocket to the tune of a fine as well as the unpaid hours! Unfortunately it's easier to pursue the 'little people' than the super-rich avoiders who can pay for the best legal advice.

(and katiecubs, just to clarify, this doesn't amount to turning the thread into an AIBU re tax returns).

so OP, back to the topic, have you texted your freeloading friend and has she replied?

Texted offering to take her dd trick or treating (I'd offered llast week and her dd had thrown her arms around me with excitement. I didn't want to let her down).

She texted back saying thanks, but they were all eating out at TGI Fridays with two of the dc's friends.

I will do the deed next week when kids are back at school.

I don't want to be on tenterhooks for the rest of half term waiting for her to respond.

Oh right they can go out for meals then I wish I could afford to do that.

Hope it goes well OP

If she's going to TGI Fridays with the DCs as a family of 5, she's going to spend at least £50, probably a lot more. She owes you £250, so that's a 1/5 of what she owes you. How often in the last month or so has she gone out for dinner?

Just to get my hair cut (not coloured) costs £45.

My cleaner charges £11 a hour and works for 3 hours a week to do a 3 bed house. Even if she pays £10 an hour and only has 2 hours a week, that's £80 a month she's paying out for a cleaner.

If she cancelled the cleaner for a month, missed a hair cut, and cut out 2 meals out, she'd have pretty much all the money she owes you.

She does have the money, she is just choosing to spend it on other things. You need to see this. Do'nt accept her sob stories, she is just saying "I think you should subsidise my lifestyle"

A meal out at TGI's for the family of 5 plus 2 of the DC's friends?

Gah, text her now telling her the gravy train's stopped.

In fact, if she'd last night said "oh, I don't have all the money I owe you just yet, but I've got a spare £50, can I knock that off the bill?" would you have been happy? Instead, she's told you she's got at least a spare £50 (for 5 people to eat out, probably a lot more), yet she decided it was more important to have a treat meal out than pay her bill to you. You should be livid and ask for hte money now, why worry about waiting for next week, if she's planning to go out this weekend for lunch with the DCs that would be a chunk of the bill.

oh, just realised it was the DCs friends as well, she won't have got much change from £100 for that, yet she's too poor to pay you the £250 she owes you...

had to go?? Were you frogmarched in? :o
I went to TGIF when I was about 8 when we were visiting my Aunt in the big London. I remember thinking it was very posh and glamorous. I had the cheese sandwich.

Both my husband and I are higher rate taxpayers and even we think twice about taking whole family to TGIs. Well over £100 - more if adults have any alcohol.

Seems to me your 'friend' feels she has a lot of cash to splash. She is living a good life, iPhones, iPads, nursery for non working days, hair appointments, eating out etc. I have to say if she is doing it on the back of claiming benefit and owing money to you, she is despicable. I wouldn't want to be her friend.

I agree with Netguru.

I would be keen to sever contact with someone like that, as soon as possible. She's no friend, and she has zero respect for you. She'll illustrating that on an almost daily basis to you

TGIs is hideously expensive.

Ignoring for a moment the fact that the food is utter shite and so I wouldn't go there, I would really think twice about spending that much on a meal out, and we have a very good income.

MrsDV - they charged you £23 for a veggie burger?????

Am convinced she is running up credit card debts

Something I haven't mentioned on this thread - she declared bankruptcy a few years ago. This was following a separation from her husband when she ran up loads of debts. She was working full-time but was struggling to pay her childcare costs and the rental on a flat for her and her 2 (at the time) dc's.

She told me about this and said that it had changed the way she behaved with money - that she did online banking, checked her account every day, stuck to a strict budget. I was quite impressed because I'm bloody shite with things like this. I don't spend much (get most of my clothes at a charity shop, get my hair done twice a year, shop at Aldi, have no expensive hobbies, don't go out much), I just don't keep track of things in a sensible way. From the way she told it, her DH had been very obstructive, refusing to allow the flat they owned (and that she'd moved out of) to be sold or rented, but also refusing to pay the mortgage on it. I assumed that this was the source of most of her financial problems and thought she was probably much more astute about money than I am. I was obviously wrong.

She may well stick to a budget, she's just not budgeted paying you. you are assuming it's an oversight, or that she's intended to pay you but found she has spent the money on other things, or it could be that she has never intended to pay you, she has decided that you aren't chasing for the money so it's ok for her not to pay. You won't know unless you ask, and you should, otherwise if you wait until next week you'll hear that she's spent sooo much this half term can it be next month she pays, and then you'll say yes.

She has done a proper number on you. Sob stories all round, she has got you feeling so sorry for her and especially for her children that you are doing this willingly.
No matter what anyone says on here you are leaping to defend her.

While she has free childcare, all the latest gadgets and a lovely life with her family.

She is probably laughing in her sleeve every time she sees you, thinking 'what a mug'.

Just stop offering her free childcare. But everything you've posted indicates a person with a vast sense of entitlement who will not pay you a bean.

7 people at TGI's. Damn! Last time we went it was 5 adults, no booze, and it cost a bomb. Even hamburgers are about 8 quid in there.