In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

[Shagmundfreud]

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this.

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

Alibabaa - I find it really hard to believe she's a horrible person. We've had what I thought was a really nice friendship over the past two years and we've spent hours and hours talking to each other. In truth I've told her more about myself and spent more time with her than I've spent with any of my other friends over the past few years. I've thought of her as a good friend.

Oh Shagmund .

She finds the money to pay her hairdresser. She finds the money to pay her cleaner. Both of these are things you can choose to do without.

She doesn't bother to pay you for childcare. This is a thing she needs.

Sorry, but she has done a number on you . She may be a friend of sorts, but she is not a good friend. She is using you, and you have to put your foot down.

I can see you are unwilling to think badly of her (and that is much to your credit). So perhaps think of it as a favour to her to do so; because if she will do this (and the other things you have mentioned here) then she is heading for a fully-deserved fall. Far better to stop her now.

As others have said, last night's bill could easily have been £100. She had a spare £100 and didn't use it to pay down her bill to you, that was either becuase she has forgotten about her bill to you and needs reminding, or because she has no intention of paying you even though she has the money spare

Only one way to find out - send her a text today reminding her the amount she owes you - don't wait for next week, she'll only then have sob stories about how much of your money she's spent on the school holidays and now she's skint. This gives her time to scale back any plans she had for this weekend and at least find some of the money she owes you.

If she's a good friend then it'll be that she's forgotten, if she has no intention of paying, then it doesn't matter how nice she is to your face, she's not actually your friend.

Time to find out.

By all means still keep being friends with her if that's what you want, but stop giving her free childcare. NOW.

for your own sanity you need to cut ties with this person. People in this state are not prepared to help themselves and will make you sick as well.

best to explain that you can no longer look after her dc for free and be a part of their lives.

You will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders when you do this.

For some people yu can stay and help but when the person doesn't want to help themselves as her actions show - there isn't much you can do.

She finds the money to pay her hairdresser. She finds the money to pay her cleaner

She may not be paying these people either - who knows, they may be saying somewhere - she finds money to pay her cleaner and child minder

I had to wade in on this one as I have been in a bit of a similar position. It was a friend who wanted me to provide free childcare for her on a fairly regular basis but who never even offered to pay me in the first place (or offer recepirical childcare). She never even gave me so much as a box of chocolates! Like your friend she was quite happy going out for meals and on nice holidays etc.

I actually wrote a thread about it on here and it gave me the strength to say no! She asked me to do it again recently and I said very simply that I couldn't do it as I was busy. I didn't offer lots of excuses or try to help her find something else because (and sorry to sound a bit hardfaced) it is not my responsibility! I felt really good about myself after I said no as I felt that it was an end to being taken advantage of.

Sorry OP but this woman is using you. She owes you a massive ammount of money and is continuing to take advantage of you. If she can afford all the things she has and to eat out at TGI's etc she is clearly not struggling for money. I have to say that even if I was struggling and I owed a friend money I would be working out a replayment plan so that I could at least pay something back even if it was £5 a week.

Sadly I have learnt that there are some very entitled people in life. They see their problems as others reponsibility to solve.

I have to say though it does sound like you have let her walk over you a bit and you seem to have a lot invested in the friendship. I mean she is using you totally and you seem to refuse to say anything to her because you don't want to rock the boat over half term and you are still offering to take her DC trick and treating etc. It almost seems as though you are a bit scared of her!

If I was you I would send the following message. Dear [X] - I am starting to plan for Christmas and I have been relying on the money you owe me for childcare to pay for everthing. Please can you let me know when you will be able to pay me. I do need the money and if you can't pay me for childcare anymore please let me know as this will however mean that I am going to have to work on the days that I usually look after [X's DCs name] so I won't be able to provide unpaid childcare anymore.

Sorry that this is a bit of an essay but people like this who use others and take advantage of them really get my goat!

I don't know any hairdressers who cut peoples' hair without being paid immediately after.

Many of the suggested texts have included something along the lines of "Please can you let me know when you will be able to pay me. " Could I just suggest that this is a bit passive and gives her too much leeway to answer "Not until after Christmas/next year/after I get my annual bonus/the Twelfth of Never"?

Perhaps phrasing it more along the lines of "I would appreciate the £x you owe soonest."? Texts are supposed to be short and pithy surely, so she can't really take offence or wriggle out of it.

I have a friend who is a hairdresser who is owed by a couple of clients... oh I havn't got any cheques I drop a cheque in next week etc etc

Thing is these people seem to run up debts with everyone somehow for a while till people cotton on, some cotton on quicker or have been done over before.

Text

I need you to pay up quick as have debts to pay - will collect money friday

see what happens

And when she says she doesn't have the money, suggest she could cancel her next hair appointment and pay you that for now until she can get the rest.

I'd text:

"Hi [friend], Yikes, just got a big bill for xxxx! Can you get the childcare money to me sometime next week - should just about cover it! Ta [you]"

If she's prepared to leave you in the financial shit, you know pretty much all you need to know about her.

As so many have already said, she finds money for all the other things she deems as must be paid eg hair appointments... think of it this way -
Said friend comes to you regularly and you actually give her money to look after her children while she has a lovely time earning enough money to pay for the nice things in life like having your hair done.

OR When will she grow up and accept responsibility for her choices?

Like a couple of others above I would tell her you have just been landed with a big bill for (say) house insurance, car insurance or something and you are need the money she owes you to pay it. And if she does not, stop the arrangement.

Why do you need to make excuses and bring up reasons you need the £££?

Just tell her you want it and now.

You're an utter fool by the way.

or a nice kind person!

No.
A fool.

No. A kind person.

We could bat this back and forward all day!

Let's!
I can't beleive that she is
a. so naive
b. p[osting about it
c. justifying her foolishness

Would love to (not really) but DD keeps leading me through to her room wanting me to make her light brighter so she can stim better, light is on full so its not going down well (the joys of ASD)

Oh dear.
Don't reinforce!
(Me or her)

Am not, or would be there all day (both counts)

Let me resolve this one for you:

I'm a fool.

I won't do favours for anyone again - at least when cash is involved.

In my defence - I've never got myself into a situation like this before. Hopefully won't do it again!