In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

[Shagmundfreud]

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this.

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

OP I would put forward the theory that your friend knows that you are not legally allowed to claim the money from her, and is therefore not bothering.

I would think you will have to write that money off as a lost cause (you can ask of course, but I wouldn't get your hopes up), tell her it's come to your attention that what you are doing is illegal and you have to stop.

Maybe put a lot of emphasis on the idea that doing something illegal, such as accepting money to which you are not entitled, could seriously hurt your career, and then what would happen to your own children (assuming you have children)? She might just begin to look at her own life and stop committing benefit fraud.

My sympathies for a shit situation.

Thisisthestory, HB doesn't necessarily cover the whole rent even if she gets the full amount. And even if it does, the friend could well be in arrears anyway, if she's spent it on something else. Rent arrears are certainly a possibility. Not that it matters, OP still deserves to be paid for her work. She presumably has rent/mortgage of her own to take care of!

OP

I think If she hasn't replied by Monday, I would think I would send another text stating that as she hasn't replied then she must agree with the total owed and could she make sure she has paid your by Friday. It the start of the month so they must have been just paid.

I think kind, caring people always feel guilty about things like this because we have a conscience. Where as people like your friend don't because they expect people to do as they want.

Of course she can pay you. She's just choosing not to.

I found out yesterday that an old business partner of mine did something several months ago which I am going to have to deal with in order to avoid it affecting me - it is going to cost me several hundred pounds which I really can't afford right now.

She is lovely and we were very close when we worked together. She has a lot of problems at the moment and I am hugely sympathetic. But the bottom line is that she didn't tell me about this matter when I could have dealt with it without it costing me anything and she hasn't offered to compensate me for this expenditure.

I will be cutting all ties once this matter is resolved because there are some things that people just don't do if they have any real concern for you.

She could have sorted this out for me - she chose not to.

And reverting to the subject of tax returns, you really must get this right. DP had to do a tax return for a very small amount of income outside his regular employment - after deductions he owed 3p in tax. He paid it but they lost his tax return and fined him for not returning the tax return and not paying the 3p. He sent the proof that he had done so. They accepted they had made a mistake - and promptly demanded payment of the 3p again and threatened a further fine.

I think your text sounds fine and gives you a chance of seeing your money

If she doesnt pay up I would let it go and chalk the whole thing up to experience especially as you have decided not to look after her DC again.

OP let us know how you get on. I do appreciate how hard it is when she is virtually on your doorstep...

But she is also on your doorstep! And not one shit does she give.

Text her now!!!

BTW I very much doubt that your friend has thought about legalities of this. She just hasn't arsed herself to pay. Why should she? You are a "free" service after all.

She's just told herself that it doesn't really matter, she only has to pay people who actually need to be paid - like the nursery, and her cleaner

She's a shyte. And YANBU.