In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

[Shagmundfreud]

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this.

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

A kind-hearted fool then!

Shagmundfreud you're not the first and won't be the last. I've had the wool pulled over my eyes too with friends. I'm more discerning now but it can still happen although I tend to spot users sooner. Tend to, not always.

I don't think you need to lie, but you do need to tell her exactly what she owes you and you want it soon. I would refuse to do any more childminding until she's paid up, then insist on being paid each time. She might then do this one more day "oh, I've forgotten my purse" but refuse to have them again until she's settled the bill of the time before. Don't let her run up the debt.

However, I'm pretty certain she'll just not pay you.

OP - give her a chance to put this right. Text her today. then tell us her reply

She might have forgotten...

Sings, 'Guess who's back? Back again! Moony's back! Tell a friend!' :)

Good to 'see' you, moondog!

Hello my dearest old MN friend Expat?
How are you?
Think of you so often and it is good to see you posting full of vim.

Once and once only

I helped somebody out with their children collecting and delivering when they were going thru tough times. Very little thanks for it. They have plenty of money, a brand new Merc, foreign holidays etc.if it were me i'd have given flowers , wine etc. That's why i'm poor.There are givers and takers.bitches do better

Ok shag you've agreed you are a fool, and a fool and her money may never meet, but ffs send some form of assertive, non apologetic text NOW or we may explode

Personally I would be saying, "how nice you can afford TGIs, I will take my kids this week for a treat after you have paid me xxx you owe since July, can't afford anything nice till you pay your debt"

But you may favour a slightly softer approach [hsmile]

Was really hoping after trawling through all 12 pages you'd at least have texted to ask her. I know you did text her but ended up offering more free childcare WTAF? Never in all my years on M N have I been so angry on anothers behalf. Please just bite the bullet and ask her.I mean what's the worst that could happen?

Any update shag?

No update. But will be sure to tell you all when the deed is done.

This is the text I'm going to send:
"Just sorting out my accounts and wanted to double check with you what you owe me. I make it as £....... . Can you tell me when you can pay as have DS's piano fees to pay shortly and I need to know what's what."

insprognito (good name!) Not sent that text by the way. I've decided I don't want to do any more childcare for her.

"Wanted to check what you owe me" NO! "You owe me £xx" don't give her a chance to dispute!!

"Can you tell me when you can pay"

The twelfth of never???!!!

NO NO NO NO NO Shag, please say "I need you to pay by xxx" or AGAIN you are offering up an opt out clause for her!! You do sound like she has you running scared, STOP being so soft!! Channel your inner bitch assertive woman and sort it! Come on, surely you can see how limp your text is?

Personally i think the text is fine. It's too the point without being rude, being overly demanding could backfire.

toomuch - she's my neighbour. Our children are in the same class. I'm not going to be rude and aggressive, even if she has behaved badly.

And I haven't kept a totally reliable record of the days I've done for her so I need her to confirm my figures. There's one day in my diary which I might actually not have done (she tends to cancel me at the last minute, has done this many times).

I don't think you have to never do childcare for her again, but not until she's cleared the debt and now on the understanding it's a pay per session, not building back up debts.

She doesn't give a shiney shite about you, OP. A true friend wouldn't take the piss like that.

Oh, and I hope she enjoyed her TGI Fridays meal out most likely paid for by the benefits she claims fraudulently.

I think that text is spot on.

Make a bulleted list of the things she can afford:

iPad
iPhone
TGI meal
Hair
Clothes
Cleaner
Nursery on day off (so she can have a shopping trip?)
also:
No rent arrears, HB covers that (no guilt trip!)

Then arm yourself (mentally or on a notepad) with this list so you are prepared if she goes all passive/aggressive on you or makes a scene.

Send her a very brief but sweet and lovely text asking her to pay by X date, or else no more free mug babysitting.

It is hard. Been there. I do understand.

...and then ask yourself why you feel so guilty? I struggle with this too despite knowing that it is irrational. Grrr!

You're asking the person who's been shirking paying you thus far, what they owe you, and what days you worked for them? Hahaha, good luck with that one.

Sorry, you may be a kind hearted fool, or just enjoy being a martyr and complaining about it, I'm not sure which.

Ok shag I see your point of view but frankly if someone hadn't paid me for 5 months but was enjoying a lavish lifestyle with the money owed me, I would feel its ok to be a bit demanding about it!! She has you nailed as a pushover.

"...and then ask yourself why you feel so guilty? I struggle with this too despite knowing that it is irrational. Grrr!"

It's a weird thing. It's actually a family trait - my brother is worse than me. I said to DH the other day that if he wanted some free cash he should ask my brother for a loan, because I can guarantee my brother would NEVER ask for it back, no matter how much he needed it.

Odd too that mass murderers etc don't feel guilty... but we do! Noooo!!!

Remember that this "friend" would not do any of this for you. She feels no guilt whatsoever. So text her with a clear, brief, request for payment. Don't ask to clarify dates - just bill her. Your knees will knock tho!

OP YABU to judge how your friend spends her money. YABU not to be more assertive and direct if you want to be paid as your actions are consistent with someone who isn't much bothered if they are paid late, in part or not at all.