In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

[Shagmundfreud]

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this.

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

Of course she can pay you, she's just chosen not to. If she stops throwing her money around for a few weeks she'll gather up at least some what she owes you before Christmas.

Are you a registered childminder?

I couldn't rip my friend off like this. The first thing I'd be doing is selling that bloody iphone and cutting my own hair for a spell, so I could pay you!

It always amazes me when threads like this describe the problem person as a 'friend'
Get a grip! She is a user, not a friend. That is not how friend's behave

YANBU.

I'm sure she knows that most nurseries / childminders would have refused to look after her child by now if she can't or won't pay, and it sounds like she's taking advantage of your friendship by not paying you.

I think you need to ask her for the money she owes, and tell her that you can't look after her child any more because you can't afford to work for free. If she tries saying that she won't be able to work without your help childminding, maybe you could suggest that she asks the nursery if her child's nursery days can be rearranged so that the child's there for both her work days (instead of one of her work days and one of her non-work days).

You shouldn't be paid for childcare unless you are a registered cm. You will be v unlikely to get the money,so stop doing it. Life is too short to help people who won't help themselves.
I know I sound harsh but really,why revolve your life around helping her when she is completely taking you for granted.
There have been a few threads like these where the collective strength of mn really helped the op to stand their ground.

Of course she has money. She's drip feeding you the woe is me tales to guilt trip you into not asking for cash. Yes you are a total wuss and it won't do you any good as you'll end up getting bitter.

If she doesn't have cash then she should cut back. They both sound totally impractical, I feel for their dcs tbh. They should be scrimping and saving if he won't have a job one day not buying expensive non essentials.

Please find your backbone, it's probably under the door mat

She can pay you, she would have to cut back on treats, but childcare is not something you count as an optional thing to pay. She also could find other people to cover this, but they will insist on payment. I bet you anything she'll find the money for them.

I'd tell her you can't do it anymore and you'd like to be paid what she owes you. Accept you probably won't get it and when she can't get you to work for her for free, she will probably dump you as a friend.

I also would really consider reporting her for benefit fraud.

Can she compensate you in some other way? Provide childcare in return, on her days off?

I agree she's in the wrong, but it also sounds like she's really struggling with various issues.

You do need to put your foot down, I just wonder if there's a kind way to do it, or some way to work things out.

Ghostship - I'm a PGCE qualified teacher and a former lecturer on childcare courses. Theoretically I should have done a childminding course to qualify me to look after friend's dc's. But as I have no intention of being a CM and only do a very small amount of childcare for friend on a casual basis I considered 9 months of training and 100's of pounds spent in obtaining registration a non-starter. So sue me!

Dreaming - I like your suggestion. Especially as my youngest has autism and gets into horrible spats with her dd on a regular basis!

I don't think that by doing the free childcare the way you do, you are helping this person to resolve their issues. You are doing the opposite - you are encouraging her to continue with her bad habits.

If you are a registered childminder you can always make an excuse saying that you have no places left.

If you are not a registered childminder then you can't take money for your childcare services legally and so you can say you didn't know this before, but now that you do, you need to stop childminding without appropriate qualifications.

Why are you still looking after her kids for free? Stop being such a mug! She's not going to pay you. Cut her off. NOW! Tell her you need paying mindees to pay for Christmas.

I didn't even know you had to be registered.. madness!

stop looking after dc. Tell her you are going to be going to job interview on thise days as you need the money. She could pay you if she wanted. She needs to cut down her spending

It is illegal to be an unregistered childminder. If one of the children is hurt in your care, you could be in a whole world of trouble.

Not a massive crime obviously but something to think about. I agree that you're unlikely to get your money now so just tell her you've found out you can't mind the children legally any more and need to end the arrangement. Accept that the money might never materialise.

Most people would love to work without paying for any childcare!

I believe you do actually have to be registered for this if any of the DC are under 8. So gives you a great excuse to get out - you are not registered and so have to give it up!

www.daycaretrust.org.uk/pages/i-provide-childcare-for-my-relativefriends-children.html

She is taking you totally for granted. She has spent the money and you are looking after a two year old for over twelve hours for free.

GhostShip - only if you're taking money for your services.

Well one thing for sure - no more free childcare. I'm going to tell her that I can't do it from now on. She hasn't booked me for any days in November and now I'm dreading her asking...

I'm so shit at these things....

op YANBU

she must manage to pay the after school club as no way have they NOT been paid since july

yabu sorry she does 'owe' you money but you shouldnt be looking after her children if you are not registered childminder

this may be the legal situation but really lots of people i have known have looked after friends children and have been paid (me included) has nobody else on mn ever done this,its not than unusual (though maybe on here)

Just tell her you can't do it because it's illegal, problem solved :)

Well hopefully it'll be just one single conversation, Shagmundfreud - and then peace of mind for you and some much needed head-scratching for her....

As for all the beauty treatments and electronic tat that doesn't keep its value that she is wasting money on - it may well all be being bought on credit cards and one day they will reach their limit and then bye bye to that lifestyle. Which is a damn shame if he has a life limiting condition when they could at least be spending on something that had a chance of keeping its value. You are doing her a favour by pointing any of this out...

I bet you £50 that she doesn't owe any money for her rent, she just told you that so she could wriggle out of paying you.

Could you lie and say their must have been an anonymous tip off from Ofsted and that you will have to stop your illegal chilminding immediately? I'll report you if you like.