In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

[Shagmundfreud]

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this.

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

You know what, the rest of us with irregular shifts have to sort it out nd pay for the time whether we use it or not.

I have no sympathy with her at all

What do you think the partners of the millions of shift workers in this country do?

Well a good majority of them work shifts too! Or one parent will do a 9-5pm job to ensure they can fit into a childcare pattern.

Its NOT rocket science... she needs to change her working hours so she can do breakfast club / after school club drop off and instead of paying for extra day of 'own business' childcare she needs to use that to cover the potential gap in childcare and do her business on day she is paying for nursery incase of needing childcare.
Her OH might even have to ask for flexible working too...

Nanny's can not care for children in their own home - which you clearly do as you give the children breakfast at yours and go there in the afternoon. So if you are a nanny I take it you are insured, have references and declare what money she gives you?

Seriously, she's taking the piss. Time for you to cut her off.

"Its NOT rocket science... she needs to change her working hours so she can do breakfast club / after school club drop off and instead of paying for extra day of 'own business' childcare she needs to use that to cover the potential gap in childcare and do her business on day she is paying for nursery incase of needing childcare."

Well - I'm afraid it is rocket science in the sense that it's the reason why millions of women in this country don't work, or don't work as much as they need to, or don't clear enough money from work after they've paid their childcare.

For those people who start work at 9 and have a commute to work which can be over an hour, childcare is going to be a massive problem.

Especially those who, like her, have no family nearby to help (her family live in Australia).

I'm not excusing her fraudulant claiming - I do feel angry and a bit sick about that. I'm just pointing out that it's an absolute bugger trying to organise flexible childcare for some people.

"Her OH might even have to ask for flexible working too... "

Not in the job he does. Not feasible. (because I appreciate that everyone is entitled to ask, but not everyone is going to get, flexible hours).

"So if you are a nanny I take it you are insured, have references and declare what money she gives you?"

By the way, there is no legal requirement for insurance or references if a parent is willing to take you on without them. I don't earn enough to pay tax. (makes not to fill in tax return).

I'm sure she could find a registered childminder to do the school runs - she could look for one that works 7.30-6.30, for instance. How does she know she can't work more flexibly, say to drop the DC off at breakfast club at 8am then go straight to work, then make the time up during her lunch hour? Has she even asked? As for her putting the child in nursery on her day off, well words fail me. Not because she shouldn't do that, but because she can't afford to do that. She should put the child in nursery on both days that she works, then if the father is off work and doesn't want to send the child to nursery for one of the days, that's his/their choice.

Her trying to start a business is a red herring because what's the betting it's just an excuse to justify the other nursery day. Also if she's actually making any money from this business then a/ she should be declaring it, but of course she won't because she's already undertaking fraudulent activity out of greed, and b/ she could use that income stream to pay you.

That said, her/their work patterns are somewhat irrelevant here because they are not your problem to solve. Have you told her you won't be doing any more childcare until she pays you the arrears? What did she say to that?

It leaps out at me from the OP that she may be short of actual cash but running up debts buying goods. So she might not be able to pay you despite buying
Lots of things.

Sounds like she is in the habit of wanting things she cannot afford, including childcare.

However you are absolutely within your rights to say no and indeed should without feeling bad for a second.

She needs a wakeup call as she will get into a deep hole. If you feel able you could ask about the goods she is buying but I appreciate that would be the end of the friendship..if its going to end anyway it would be a kindness to her to tell some home truths in fact.

St its really nice that you are defending her but I'm sorry i find it difficult to believe that between them they can't come up with a solution that dorsnt involve exploiting you. They just haven't tried. What happens when you're on holiday? What if you were to get a job? I am also struggling to understand what this highly paid job is that only want her in a day or two a week on different days. Surely there must be some way to standardise that?

OP I think you sound like a lovely, caring person and a wonderful friend. Sadly your so called friend is grossly taking advantage of your nature.

I would just tell her you can't mind her DCs any longer. She's taking the piss big time. Her child care issues are her problem but she has somehow managed to make them into your problem. I would also cease your friendship with her.

OP, you need to work out exactly what the legalities of this arrangement are, particularly if you have an issue with her not doing things legally in relation to benefits.

If you provide care in your own home on a regular basis, even for part of the day, then you are a childminder and you need to be registered with Ofsted. If you provide care in the child's home then you are a nanny and would usually expect to be an employee. You can be a self-employed nanny, but in that case you need to register as self-employed and declare your income, even if you don't earn enough for tax.

Obviously this whole thing is a moot point at the moment because you aren't being paid. I suspect your friend knows perfectly well that this is a wishy-washy, not properly legal arrangement, and therefore knows you can't pursue her legally for this money.

There's no point getting cross with posters who are pointing out that you are being taken for a mug. Either you want to provide care out of the kindness of your heart and you accept that it is free and done as a favour, or you stop doing it because you aren't actually in a position to do it legally and will never, ever be paid for it.

Reporting her for benefit fraud won't automatically leave her with a criminal record - whereas if you are caught childminding unregistered, you'll struggle to have a future career working with children.

Seems to me that you're putting a lot at risk yourself, and protecting her from any consequences of her own choices.

Kungfupanda - it is a very ad-hoc arrangement which has suited us both. I don't want to work as a c/m - I just really enjoy looking after her d/c on the odd day here and there. I wouldn't want to do it every week.

Shriek - her hours and days are the same every week. It's her partners work days that change from month to month. When he is at home on the days she's at work he can look after the dc's and thus save on childcare costs.

Last term I told her I couldn't help her for five weeks - I had a temporary teaching job. She ended up taking so much time off work because she coukdn't get anyone to cover for me that she nearly lost her job.

shag by doing this for free you're just perpetuating her inability to run her own life.
And driving yourself nuts at her inability in the meantime.

You have two choices: put up or shut up.

Either continue to help out, knowing she is one of life's hopeless cases and yopu are doing what you can to stand between her and the abyss (I do this for a hopeless friend), and stop worrying about being paid and what she spends her money on.

Or, you can back out of the arrangement.

I think she's spinning you a yarn about nearly losing her job. Surely common sense would dictate to her to swap her other nursery day to cover the day you have her child for her. She's putting you on a guilt trip so you don't do any more work to inconvenience her!

Oh I see, sorry. Are you wanting to get any more temp jobs or is this arrangement really working for you? Presumably.you.got paid more for the teaching job (that you should be paid in this one) is that an issue

She is spending your kids' Christmas money on iPads and haircuts for herself. What a good friend she is!

My husband works shifts so we have always required flexible childcare and it has never been an issue. I provide a schedule to my childminder every 6 weeks showing which days we require care and pay for the care we have used at the end of the month. I have been doing this for 11years and in that time I have had 2 different childcare providers in 2 different locations, one urban and one rural, so it can be done.

If your friend is claiming Housing Benefit then how can she be behind with her rent? I thought it was paid direct by DWP to the landlord.

Well one thing is for sure - the arrangement has finished as of now. I won't do any more childcare for her.

Shriek, not going to get another teaching job as I only did the last one as a favour for someone who bullied me into it (oh god, there is a pattern here isn't there!).

Re swapping her nursery day - wasn't possible as the nursery she uses didn't have a space in the days she needed while I was unavailable.

Anyway, it's all a bit by the by now as the situation will be resolved by me saying 'no' from now on. The money I may have to write off.

Then you need to decide whether you are willing to keep on doing it for free or whether you want to stop.

There isn't another solution unfortunately. She's not going to pay you or she would have done it by now. And you aren't a childminder so can't be paid anyway.

It's not a job - you are doing a favour for a friend. You just need to work out whether you want to keep doing the favour or whether she is irritating you so much that you don't want to be involved anymore.

Posh - re: housing benefit, I thought this too. Maybe she has stopped claiming and that's why she's in the shit?

x-posted

Probably for the best.

If it wasn't affecting you and she was a good friend, I wouldn't report her but I certainly would tell her what I thought and tell her to sort herself out. Judgey or not.

She owes you money though, she's playing you, and you have to stop that at once. Even if it means falling out.

Is she a registered CM?

I bet she could have swapped the nursery day! Or her work day! She just chose not to.

I would end the friendship too when you end the child care

Sorry ignore the last but, are YOU a registered CM? If not you're both flying under the radar somewhat.

If swapping nursery days isn't an option, I wonder if she could swap her work day to one that the nursery can do?

But regardless, it seems crazy that she's paying for the child to go to nursery on one of her non-work days when she can't/won't pay you for childcare on her work days, small business or not.

I think you're doing the right thing by stopping the arrangement, it obviously isn't working out for you (quite aside from all the legal childminder stuff). I'd tell her about that now, so she knows to get other arrangements in place.

Posh - friend has 3 dc's and many childminders don't have random spaces available on different days for this number of children.

I'm aware of a all handful of c/ms who pick iup and drop off from my dc's school. There is only one I personally would be happy to use (because unfortunately registration is no guarantee of quality). And of course this is the one who never has spaces, as she's the one everyone wants to use.

Honestly - there have been thread after thread from people over the years on mumsnet complaining about the lack of flexible, affordable childcare. If you read the posts on this thread you might arrive at the conclusion that this is simply not true.

I agree that friend has been dishonest and a financial clutz, and I've behaved like a door mat, but it doesn't change the fact that lots of working families get into a financial and organisational pickle over their childcare arrangements, especially when this involves using so many different forms of childcare (nursery, after school club, childminders, friends).