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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

307 replies

Shagmundfreud · 28/10/2012 20:56

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this. Sad

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 29/10/2012 09:47

She's not your friend. A friend wouldn't treat you like this.

suburbophobe · 29/10/2012 10:12

I can't bear to add to her troubles.

But you are not responsible for her poor financial choices.

Stop letting her walk all over you!

ClareMarriott · 29/10/2012 10:52

Shagmundfreund

The only things you have told us about your friend's DH is that he works shifts ( at what ? ) and has a life limiting condition. What are both of these if you know ? What does your friend do for work ? Whilst you cannot judge how people want to spend their money, if she has not been paying you again for the childcare, do suggest you both go for a coffee ( with kids in tow ) and discuss how she proposes paying you . You will need to stick to your guns and say that you cannot provide this care if she keeps failing to pay you. How would she like it if she was in your shoes.? I would be careful though about making any claims that she might be getting HB or anything else

FlangelinaBallerina · 29/10/2012 15:03

It doesn't sound like you've much hope of getting the money back, so stop doing the childcare unless you don't mind doing it for free. Think of the unpaid childcare as a gift to a friend in difficult circumstances- which she is, due to her DH's condition- and it might be easier not to mind.

And absolutely don't report her for benefit fraud. That would be a really stupid thing to do, given that your childcaring work for her hasn't been entirely within the law either. She might well shop you in return.

notjustastateofmind · 29/10/2012 15:06

YANBU

She's taking the absolute piss out of you and you're totally rolling over that letting her do it.

Tell her you won't look after kids if you're not being paid.

And anonymously tip of the benefits people.

fromparistoberlin · 29/10/2012 15:26

OP!!!

she is takinhg the complete fucking piss, but u know that by now

tell her to fuck right off until she pays you, and be prepared to lose the friendship as she is treating you with no respect

I am sorry xxx

also dont write the money off. if she values you, you could introduce a system wherby she pays you in installements

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 29/10/2012 16:41

Will never report her.

I know what she's doing is wrong.

I'd be frightened of tipping her over the edge and the impact it would have on her children. Their lives are hard enough already because of their fathers health problems and the knock on impact this has had on their parents relationship. If friend had a criminal conviction she would be unable to do the job she is currently doing which earns her enough to support a family on WITHOUT benefits when she is working full-time.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/10/2012 16:55

Their lives are only hard because of their out of control spending. It's their fault they're in this state but it's our problem - you know, us decent honest hard-working people who are finding life a struggle but don't commit fraud. I can only afford to have my hair cut once or twice a year and I'm shortly going to have to sell my car as I can no longer afford to run it. Maybe I should commit benefit fraud and shit on my friends from a great height, then I might be able to get my hair done more often, keep my car and replace my 6 year old laptop.

Oh, and I too have a chronic, potentially life-limiting condition. It's no excuse for being a fraudulent, inconsiderate, selfish user.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 29/10/2012 16:57

YABU. Not only are you letting this person treat you like a mug, you are defending and justifying her criminal behaviour. Stop looking after her child, report her for benefit fraud and then you can stop moaning about her spending.

RubyrooUK · 29/10/2012 17:00

Ok, then just tell her you can't be an unregistered childminder as someone threatened to tip off the authorities. It is the perfect get out.

That solves your problem and doesn't make her life any worse. Yes she will have to sort out childcare but she is an adult with kids - albeit in a shitty situation - and that's what you have to do. And if she can afford iPads then she needs to be responsible and put her money towards proper childcare first rather than relying on your good nature.

That is not being a bad friend. You are being kind and doing your best to help someone.

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 29/10/2012 17:00

I'm not justifying her behaviour. It's crap.

But I won't do something that will result in her whole life falling apart as this will badly affect her children.

OP posts:
Pinkforever · 29/10/2012 17:11

Do you have MUG tattoed across your forehead? because thats what you are. Stop saying she cant pay you when you can she that she has plenty of money to spend on fripperies.

Actually I dont think that you are telling the complete truth here-I am sure you must get something from this situation as no normal person would have put up with this.

As for her son?-eh you have kids of your own to fawn over....

gettingeasier · 29/10/2012 17:12

I agree with both Rubyroos posts

You probably should report her about the council tax etc but I can understand why you dont, as you said it would be better if you just didnt know

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/10/2012 22:31

But I won't do something that will result in her whole life falling apart as this will badly affect her children.

Then why are you on here moaning about the situation if you are going to do precisely jack shit about it? I think you need to realise its NOT you doing this to the children, it's HER and her equally fraudulent husband. Maybe SHE should have thought about her children before she started claiming money she's not entitled to and buying unnecessary luxuries with it. She's setting a bad example to her children. She makes a mockery of genuine single parents who are struggling to make ends meet. She takes the piss out of you, society and the welfare state. You are complicit in her criminal deceit. I hope you're proud of that.

thebody · 29/10/2012 23:02

Hi havnt read the whole post but you are not a registered child minder so are acting illegally if she pays you.

Why you would 'work for free' is up to you but I would report both of you, her to the benefits hot line and you to Ofsted as an unregistered child minder.

expatinscotland · 29/10/2012 23:04

Don't report her, but don't let her take teh piss out of you when you need money for your kids' Christmas.

mamamibbo · 29/10/2012 23:13

she should ebe paying you but you dont know where the things are coming from, maybe she is living in credit, maybe surestart pay for the nursery place?

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 29/10/2012 23:19

thebody - do you think I've done something morally wrong in providing care for my friends little boy for a couple of days a month, or just something legally wrong?

And out of interest, if you needed 2 or 3 days a month childcare on random days, that started at 7.30 and finished at 6.15 pm, and involved looking after a baby and school drop offs/pick ups, how would you organise it?

I'm not aware of any childminders or nurseries who would offer this service. Are you aware of any childminders that are happy to regularly commit to doing random days?

What should my friend have done? Not gone to work?

Shame on you for being self-righteous and judgemental. I've provided safe, consistent and loving care for my froend's DC. I have a completely clear conscience on this front.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 29/10/2012 23:19

Surestart definitely are not paying for her nursery place.

OP posts:
DayShiftDoris · 29/10/2012 23:26

OP

Have you read the OFSTED literature?

You are breaking the law! Morality is irrelevant.

As for what your friend should have done in covering 'random' need for childcare - well she should have either applied for flexible working or got a different job if she could really not cover it any other way!

Its what the rest of us do!

Anyway she's not really covering it as she is NOT paying for it! If she was paying for it and willing to pay over the odd instead of having her haircut then she would 100% find a childminder or nursery to cover it... she might need to pay for more childcare than she uses (say 3 days a week and potentially only need one) but again that is exactly what the rest of us do...

You are breaking the law and THAT will impact on YOUR family and YOUR future job prospects

expatinscotland · 29/10/2012 23:26

So what are you planning to do? It sounds like she can continue using you. That's your lookout, but honestly, don't expect her to pay you for it.

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 29/10/2012 23:44

Dayshift - I wonder how the law would see my situation, given that I spend a good part of the days I care for friend's dc at her house. I give all the children breakfast at mine, then off to school, then back to hers. He naps there. Later we pop back to mine to put the dinner on and get the dog.

If I called myself a 'nanny' I could still pop into my house to put the shopping away/get dog/pick up the post surely?

Love to know how they'd deal with trying to work out if I was nannying or childminding!

Expat, I won't be doing anymore childcare for her until she has coughed up. In full.

"well she should have either applied for flexible working or got a different job if she could really not cover it any other way!"

I'd suggest that it would be exceptionally difficult to find a job which fitted around someone else's 12 hour shift patterns (which change from month to month - her DH does nights and days) and allowed her to chop and change her days of work from month to month. And paid a living wage.

But in your view it would be better for her not to work than to use a safe, caring and reliable, though not registered, form of childcare?

OP posts:
PurpleGentian · 29/10/2012 23:46

OP - you say in your first post that your friend works two days, and she uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days).

I don't fully understand why she needs you, or anyone else, to do random days - can't she rearrange the nursery days so that the child is at the nursery for both of her work days?

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 29/10/2012 23:55

Purple, she works two regular days a week. One of those days is a nursery day. The other day is not. She doesn't want to put her ds in nursery on other day because often her partner can cover it, if he's not on a shift. If he can't do it then I do it. It saves her about £100 some months. She also needs me to do pick up and drop off as she needs to leave for work at 7.30 am. Breakfast club as school doesn't start until 8am, and nursery doesn't open until 8am. After school club finishes at 6pm and she can't get home earlier than 6.15, so it's a problem for her if I can't pick her children up.

That said, she does also have her ds in a nursery on one of the days she doesn't work. Which is mad and a total extravagance, given her financial situation.

Her argument is that she's trying to do a small business on this day and needs time to herself, but really she could get away with having him at home on these days and still work - he's the easiest going child you've ever met.

OP posts: