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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

307 replies

Shagmundfreud · 28/10/2012 20:56

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this. Sad

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 28/10/2012 21:31

Considering she is perfectly happy to defraud the taxpayer, I don't think the illegality will be of much consequence to her tbh!

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 28/10/2012 21:31

Cailin - it's a bit of a gray area because I spend a good part of the day at her house. She lives 4 doors down and so I give her dc lunch and all his naps at her place. I just nip into my house every now and again.

OP posts:
pictish · 28/10/2012 21:32

Yes...it's time to stop looking after her little one.

pictish · 28/10/2012 21:32

So you spend the day in her house for free?
Mmm..nah it wouldn't be me doing that. No way.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2012 21:33

I think you're going to have the kiss the money she owes you goodbye. I'll bet you London to a brick she won't give you a penny.

TheCrackFox · 28/10/2012 21:34

SO she is actually getting a free nanny?

I would tell her to piss off.

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 28/10/2012 21:34

I'm looking forward to not thinking about her financial situation. Which I won't do once I stop expecting her to pay me.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 28/10/2012 21:36

Does she ever do anything to help you out OP?

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 28/10/2012 21:36

Shame though. Her youngest is utterly delightful and we've got a really nice relationship. For quite a while he used to cling to me and scream when I had to hand him back. Every time he sees me he looks like he's going to explode with happiness and excitement.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 28/10/2012 21:37

You're sounding more positive each post [hsmile]

CuriousMama · 28/10/2012 21:37

You'll still see him sometimes surely?

DontmindifIdo · 28/10/2012 21:37

Consider it gone. She never intended to pay you. It was never in her monthly budget, she never treated it as a 'bill' -she only paid you last time as she got a lump sum, not because it was pay day and one of the things that money had to cover was the childcare costs.

Tell her free childcare is ended. Use whatever you like, a little white lie that someone has tipped off ofsted would do it.

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 28/10/2012 21:38

Euro - she's done the odd pick up and drop off.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 28/10/2012 21:38

Of course she can afford to pay you! All she has to do is sell the iPad, overpriced iPhone and stop spending money that's not rightfully hers on unnecessary non-essentials and she'd have more than enough to pay you.

As others have said, you need to stop looking after her children. Text her to ask for the money she owes you (to give her another chance to pay), then see what her response is. If she says she'll bring the money round tomorrow, and does, fine. If she claims she can't afford to pay you, tell her that the arrangement no longer works for you and with immediate effect you'll no longer be looking after her children, so she'll need to make alternative arrangements. In addition, you require payment in full by the 15th of November (for instance). That will give her time to list her luxury gadgets on eBay and get the money to pay you.

Oh, and report her for benefit fraud. Three years of payments probably amounts to thousands of pounds and people like her are part of the reason why genuine claimants get such a bad name.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 28/10/2012 21:38

I cannot believe she sends her children to you, unpaid while she has a day off.
Utter, utter cheek.
(not going to include the DH in this because the whole relationship sounds like a mess, needless to say I think very little of him)

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/10/2012 21:40

YANBU. She is taking the piss. She can pay,just prefers to spend it on other things. Tell her to sling her hook. She's not what I'd call a friend.

RubyrooUK · 28/10/2012 21:40

Depends how good friends you are and i you want to stay friends. If you want to stay on good terms, I think you should just say:

"Look, X, I need to talk to you. I know you'll understand because we're good friends but I can't keep looking after your kids for free. I can't afford to do without the money and you haven't given me any since July.

I understand you're having trouble paying which is why I haven't mentioned it before but I didn't want to let this continue any longer. Otherwise the sum of money will just build up and I'll feel upset at Xmas that I can't buy the things I need. I need those days now to do some work that does earn me some money. I know you'll understand as things are difficult for everyone at the moment."

If you make it about your need to earn money, it would be difficult for her to make a big fuss.

Maybe....

mrsmplus3 · 28/10/2012 21:45

Just read your opening post only.
This is a toxic friendship and you are being a fool. Where is your self respect? Working for no pay?
Not being nasty to you just trying to shock you out of your situation. You can't see it as clearly as we can cause youre in it but please stop this arrangement. The deal should be you get paid upfront before the working week begins and then you'll do it. Not that that's what normally happens in a work place but because she can't be trusted. You'll not get what she owes you but you can get next weeks money now or you won't watch her kids next week??!!
She's at it. Don't be a total mug.

Eurostar · 28/10/2012 21:52

So she doesn't do much on the mutual helping out front. Do you actually enjoy spending time with her?

Cahoots · 28/10/2012 21:53

You need to be clear that she is not having trouble paying you she is choosing not to pay you so that she can suspend the money on IPads, IPhone and unnessescery childcare at the nursery.

You are being used and real friends do not use their friends.

Ask for the money and stop being a doormat

Good luck :-)

Cahoots · 28/10/2012 21:57

Rubyroos post is good. To the point but not rude. If your so called friend has an ounce decency she will pay up if you send her that message.

Iheartpasties · 29/10/2012 08:21

Wow, how does she look at herslef in the mirror knowinh she is taking you for a ride? why do some people seem to expect everything for free??!!

poopnscoop · 29/10/2012 09:31

It's really quite simple.. if you look after a child for more than 2 hours on a regular (even ad hoc) basis, and are being paid for it... you need to be registered if doing it from your own home. You are not registered and so can no longer help her. Simple.

I am just amazed she has got away with it for so long.

ENormaSnob · 29/10/2012 09:39

So they can afford 2x iPhone5, a new iPad, graze boxes and a monthly cut and colour?

Yet can't pay a friend what's owed?

You are a mug op, stop making excuses and feeling sorry for her. She's no friend of yours.

justmyview · 29/10/2012 09:41

Telling her you have to stop childminding for her because you've only just learned that you should be registered is a perfect get out for you

Although you criticise her for claiming benefits she's not entitled to (fair enough), you do seem relaxed about working without registration (a legal requirement), so you're not 100% squeaky clean yourself.

Mixing business with pleasure is always risky