In judging my friend's spending/lifestyle?

[Shagmundfreud]

Don't want to judge but find myself doing it all the time with this friend.

Friend works 2 days a week, her DH does shifts. On the days when her DH's shifts clash with her work days, I look after her 2 year old from 7.30am to 6.15pm and her older children for an hour before school, and pick them up from after school club. I've been looking after her d/c on this random basis for about 16 months. She also uses a nursery for her 2 year old a couple of days a week (one of her work days and one of her non work days). So some months I'll proved 2 days child care, some months 4 or 5.

When we first started this arrangement she'd pay me at the end of the month, but after a few months she told me she was struggling a bit with money and asked if I could wait to be paid.I told her to pay me when she could - I trusted her. And she did pay me - six months later after she'd received a payment for missiles PPI.

Since then she's gone back to not paying me. Now owes me money dating back to July. Last week she told me she hasn't paid her rent and is 2.5k down and really struggling. She has said nothing about the money she owes me and has not apologised about the situation. I assume she won't be able to pay me any time soon, which is a problem as I was relying on the money to pay for Christmas.

I find myself judging her constantly - her spending. I notices that she buys those crappy over-priced Graze boxes, organic meat and veg, gets her hair cut and coloured once a month, has her dc in nursery one day a week when she's not working, has an iPhone 5, as does her DH, who's also recently bought her and himself an iPad. Every time I am confronted with some snippet of information about her spending I feel a surge of fury going through me. Yuck.

Her and her DH separated a few years ago and got back together after conceiving DC3. I know that she hasn't made his moving back in 'official' and is still claiming HB and council tax relief. I wish I didn't know this.

What complicates things further is knowing her DH has a serious life-limiting condition that will eventually mean he can no longer work. It also makes him very difficult to live with. He is paranoid, has OCD, communication problems. I feel very sorry for them both and struggle with also feeling angry and judgemental about friend's dishonesty and poor choices.

I wish I could cleanse my brain of my nasty judgemental thoughts but I can't.

Agree totally with the point that flexible childcare arrangements like the sort the OPs friend needs are very hard to find BTW.

You need to sort this out and make sure you are on a legal footing in being paid to look after her kids, then insist that you are paid the arrears and that there will be no more chîldcare until you are paid. In future invoice her monthly for however many days you have done.
Paying for nursery when she is not working is a ridiculous luxury if she is struggling financially. I'd be worried that she's running up credit card debts buying stuff. Is there a way you can point her in the direction of some help with budgeting and debt management? Many charities provide this and would be quick to advise her to knock the unnecessary spending on the head. At some point this is going to seriously backfire. Either someone brave and honest will shop her for benefit fraud or her DH will become unable to work. The sooner she starts sorting it out the better.
She's massively taking the piss by using you for free childcare. Four or five days a month is way beyond " favour for a friend" category.

Purple - I live in an inner city area and there are many struggling families around here with complex lives. Exceptionally high housing costs and the highest childcare costs in the UK make it very difficult for families to work. There is a proper sense of community around here and there is lots of ad hoc childcare going on between mothers with money usually changing hands. I appreciate the need for regulation - in poor communities like this there is lots of scope for unsafe care. But you can't enforce it and expect it to work if families are at the end of their rope because of the mismatch between housing costs/commuting costs/childcare costs and wages.

I think MrsMangel is right about swapping the nursery day. It's common sense to swap the nursery day permanently, then when you tell her you're no longer willing to do her bidding, that child will have childcare.

I ask again, have you told her you're no longer going to do any childcare? I'm not on her side by any stretch but think she needs to know in advance, so she can sort alternative childcare out. I have no doubt that when you tell her she'll lay it on thick and give you a sob story, especially if you say she almost lost her job before (if that's actually true).

As for the temp teaching job you did, well at least you got paid for that (I assume)!

Just thought - what about her DH's family? Can they help with childcare at all?

shag

I am 100% in favour of friends doing baby sitting favours for "cash in hand", it annoys the fuck out of me whe people say "oh you are not a registered CM bla bla bla"

FACT is childcare costs alot, and its nigh on impossible to find CM that will do the low volume of hours/ flex that a friend might provide

I know a few people that do it, its their money, their business, and their kids

and given that they cant claim childcare costs back anyway, it balances itself out

From the comments on this thread you'd think the OP was the bad guy of the piece, not the piss-taking user-friend.

Why are people so annoyed about the ad-hoc childminding as an informal arrangement thing? I know it's technically illegal, but people are acting like the OP is going out cat shooting. Why? At 4 days a month it can hardly be argued that she's putting a legit childminder out of business.

Given that flexible childcare is so hard to come by you would think she would treat hers a little better.

My childminder is wonderful and so flexible for us. Amongst other things she is paid promptly every week. I am so afraid of losing her I wouldn't dream of pissing her around.

DH's parents are abroad. Other family live in different county. Nursery has no place for her DC on one of her work days (which doesn't usually matter as her DH tends to be around. If not muffins is there...)

Am not going to say anything until she approaches me to organise the next set of dates, which she is due to do soon. I want to see if she is going to make any attempt to pay me first. If I say I won't do it she may decide she can walk away without paying more easily.

Oh god, just remembered that she has been paying to have a cleaner in for 3 hour every fortnight. Obviously paying her but not paying me.

Christ it looks worse and worse doesn't it?

So, have you actually told her, no more free childcare yet?

I'm not sure the op is working as an unregistered childminder at all. It is mainly in the friends home and adhoc - this is just babysitting isn't it?

Anyway, all academic. Your friend is a piss taker and i'm glad you aren't going to do this anymore. Just don't expect to see the money anytime soon...

So she has an iphone, ipad , gets her hair coloured, gets benefits, is working and yet won't pay you. You are being taken for a ride. She's not a friend, she's a user!

Yes it does op.

You are a mug.

She is a mean spirited cow and certainly no pal of yours.

Muggins not muffins

(although looking at the state if my waistline muffins is probably more appropriate)

I agree with anniewoo. And unfortunately OP she is treating you like this because you let her. No way would I be doing free childminding for someone that could afford to have a monthly hair colour, have a cleaner and multiple iPads. No way!

'I want to see if she is going to make any attempt to pay me first. If I say I won't do it she may decide she can walk away without paying more easily.

Oh god, just remembered that she has been paying to have a cleaner in for 3 hour every fortnight. Obviously paying her but not paying me.

Christ it looks worse and worse doesn't it?'

She's not going to pay you a bean. That is the cost of being a mug and a doormat.

May as well cut your losses now.

This person is not looking for solutions, she's looking for problems to invent so she can continually take advantage of you.

YANBU to judge her... She is being unreasonable to expect this much from you for nothing. If you had been watching her kids as a favour all along, fine. If she was concrete on when she would be paying you, fine. But this is not fine!! I had to get my wages a day early last month to pay my nursery fees on time. ON time. I would feel even guiltier leaving a friend without money I had promised them. But clearly she's not big on guilt given the benefit situation, is she...

She has a day at home without kids each week (I do the same as I work 4 nights a week, use that very wisely usually to shower and clean as much of the house as possible!) but still needs a cleaner? And clearly has money to pay these people but not to pay you? You are being taken for a total ride. Not a friend I would want to have.

(ps I do shower at other times, it's just nice to get one in peace lol. making myself sound a bit smelly there )

You sound like a really nice person and it is kind of you to be so understanding of your 'friends' situation but the only relevant issue here is that she was meant to pay you, that she DID have the money to pay you but that she has chosen not too. Everything is not That relevant.

NobleGiraffe I think people are just annoyed that the OP has been taken advantage of by this 'friend', partly because the OP lets her get away with it, so it's very frustrating.

But the worst thing IMO is the fact that the OP's friend is fraudulently claiming benefits, then spending them on luxuries but the OP refuses to report this. Yes, it's her choice whether to report them or not, but it's fucking irritating to those of us who are skint (which is most people these days) but don't play the system. Especially when we hear she spends our hard-earned money on unnecessary luxuries like expensive gadgets, beauty treatments and a cleaner why the fuck she can't do her own cleaning when she only works two days a week, I'll never know.

As I said in an earlier post, the OP is complicit in this crime. Because that's what fraud is - a crime. Would the OP refuse to report a mugging in case the mugger's family suffered as a consequence? Would she not call the police if she witnessed a burglary, in case the burglar had their life disrupted? What's the difference? It's still a crime, even if there's no individual victim.

That, for me, is the issue here.

For information: Housing Benefit is paid directly by the DWP but it's means-tested so doesn't necessarily cover the whole rent. So she could get into rent arrears. But if she approaches an agency for help (CAB for eg), they will quietly withdraw assistance from her when if the benefits fraud comes to light.

She's really getting herself in the shit (well, her and her DH are, as a couple, really), as well as mucking you about.

Oops, strikeout fail, but you get my drift.

op, seriously, get your own life and stop being so concerned about your "friend" and her child care problems

she is treating you like dirt and you are smiling and letting her

you've become a martyr, are you doing her free childcare to fill your days? why not look for a paid job that will bring you in some cash?

you have become too embroiled in sorting out her life for her, its time to sort out your own life

I know this sounds harsh and you will tell me to mind my own, but this is obviously hurting you and you know the reason for it , she's wiping her feet on you

hope you find a way to say no to her and yes to yourself

OP - YANBU to want to be paid.
My approach would be to say you have a n expense coming up. For example you are planning a holiday or presents for kids or just have a big credit card bill to pay and need the money she owes asap . Ask her when she can pay you back. If she says she can't then tI ask why given you had an agreement she had not told you she would not pay. Be honest and say that you feel she is taking you for granted - do it in a more in sorrow than in anger way. .

Say that given the circumstanstances you will not be able to do this any more. and then depending on how much of firend you want to be you could offer to provide free childcare in emergency circumstances.

I have to say that within my firendship group I know people who do provide quite regular childcare to other friends to free and one or two days a month would not be seen a problem. (I work atm so not one of the providers!). The issue here seems to be a) the lack of reciprocity and b) the fact she isn't sticking to her agreement.

The posters saying that you are doing something illegal by charging without being OFSTED registered are wrong given the tiny amounts of childcare you are charging for as there are exemptions to the rules (taken from NM!).

These include
■If you provide your childcare at the home of the child you are looking after, then Ofsted registration is not required, and there are no restrictions.

■If the childcare you?re providing is for less than 2 hours a day or no more than 14 days of childcare per year from a specific address. (This equates to nearly 3 weeks if you are looking at weekday childcare).

As I said further up, she doesn't see the money she's agreed to give you as a bill - the cleaner is a bill, the phone contract is a bill, but you aren't. She only paid you last time because she got a lump sum, she doesn't budget for paying you, she sees your money in the same way as other optional extras.

She has to pay the cleaner or the cleaner won't clean. She doesn't have to pay you because you'll do it anyway. You've proved that over and over, she can treat paying you as a 'favour' not that it's something owed.

She's not your friend, and I doubt you'll see any money from her, unless you point blank say if she doesn't settle her bill with you you won't have the DCs anymore and from now on you need paying on the day when she drops the DCs off. If she complains at that you can point out she's proven she won't pay you of you let her let it build up.

Really, she doesn't need a cleaner, but if she wants one she's got to pay for it. She doesn't need her hair dyed, but if she wants it done she'll have to pay for it. She doesn't need an ipad but if she wants to take one from the shop she has to give them money. She does need childcare, but she can get that for free from you, so why would she bother paying?