Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to tell DD2 that it's her birthday today?

194 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 26/10/2012 15:47

She is 4 today but because my DH went to work after she got up and won't be home until she is in bed and her party is tomorrow we have told her that her birthday is tomorrow. I thought it was a good idea and my other DC's have gone along with it and not said anything, but people in work think we are awful for doing this, what do you think?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 26/10/2012 23:58

I would do it for a 1 or 2 year old maybe but its a bit odd that a four year old wouldn't understand that their birthday and celebrations were on a different day. I doubt it'll do any long term harm, I just don't see the need to lie about it when the truth is so much easier.

FredWorms · 26/10/2012 23:59

Ah, feck it, it doesn't matter much really does it? As long as they grow up knowing what their actual birth date is, in the longer term.

Cakes, presents, parties, love...all that stuff will happen so whats' the harm?

YANBU

Zipadeedoodah · 27/10/2012 00:24

Theotherboleyngirl They are 5,and same genders but honestly people are very surprised when we tell them they are twins - they have a very strong sense of individuality but if they became more of a unit later we would change the arrangements back so they celebrated their birthday together, so , at the moment , their birthday falls on 10th so one has 9 th and 11th is the other ones - whole family is supportive because they see that each child gets to be special for a day not a shared day- the day which is the middle day which is actually their birthday is given over to a little bit of quite reflection on my part and just a normal day - it worlds for us and it is done out of love , it is a lot more work but they love being like their other siblings (2) , in that everyone gets their special birthday - yes - I know clue is in the name but this is what works for the child - it is not convenient - at all- but fair for all the children....

Offred · 27/10/2012 00:25

I wouldn't do it because I don't think it is right to exploit the vulnerability of children like this I.e. think that fact they probably won't know makes it worse! No, I don't lie about the tooth fairy or Father Christmas either.

Offred · 27/10/2012 00:26

And my twins are very different but still have the same birthday, because they actually just have the same birthday what with them being twins!

Offred · 27/10/2012 00:33

Oh and I don't think birthdays are about the child being "special" but about celebrating their birth day! Mine are special every day but only born on one day!

differentnameforthis · 27/10/2012 00:51

We don't lie about birthdays, why would you? We give cards/presents the night before & have a special meal or go our for dinner on the day of the birthday. The kids know that the birthday is the next day, and that way they don't have to wait for dad to home from work before they can play with their presents.

Zipadeedoodah · 27/10/2012 07:28

offred bit over the top suggest giving them their own birthdays is exploiting their vunerability as children !

I am sure that parents that go to such lengths to think about with the best interests of their children as a priority...I know we do...

As for Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy - I love the fact they still believe in them.

For us it's not about them being twins - it's about them being individual people. They are not a brand or gimmick for me to show off - I hardly ever refer to them as twins -it's about them being individuals and developing as two wholes .it's not about ME having twins it's about THEM.

Zipadeedoodah · 27/10/2012 07:29

*I am sure that parents that go to such lengths do so with the best interests of their children as a priority...I know we do...

slartybartfast · 27/10/2012 07:46

i dont see any problem with it.

Offred · 27/10/2012 09:41

It isn't over the top at all. If they were adults you wouldn't be able to pretend they weren't twins and give them different birthdays because they would be able to understand for themselves. The only reason you are able to do it is because they cant challenge you on it. That is why it is exploiting the fact that they don't understand the concepts in order to impose your choices for them on them. It is taking away their right to make an individual choice.

It is ridiculous to suggest that the children knowing that they are twins is a gimmick for the parents which prevents the children being individuals; that is the parents who dress them the same and treat them as the same person etc. Being a twin is just what they are just like individual people is just what they are. I can't see any reason to cover it up other than some paranoia that the mere suggestion of them being twins might damage them and I just don't believe in disrespecting a child's ability to make their own choices like that. It'd be, to me, equal to pretending a light skinned mixed race child was white because you didn't want them to be the victim of racism. It is choosing to deny them a part of themselves which actually they will have to confront at some stage.

I can see why you might ask twins whether they wanted to have separate parties/celebrations but to actually pretend they are not twins is too far. Mine know they are twins, they are BG (I know this is easier in individuality stakes but I wouldn't do it differently if they were same sex), and it has no effect at all on their ability to be individuals, they couldn't actually be anymore different to each other, they don't even have a stronger bond than with their other siblings, they each share a bedroom with their older same gendered sibling and they play in a nice way together because they are the same age. They need and have different amounts of sleep, different types of food, one is much more sociable than the other, one is much more scientific than the other just like my other children who are different again. They know they are twins but it doesn't make them more special or loved than the others but it means to them that they shared my belly and were born on the same day not that we think they are the same person.

I actually think conceived, carried and successfully birthed babies are something to celebrate and twins even more so because the risks are higher. On all my children's birthdays I love talking to them about what was happening with my labour and when they were being born and who was there and involved and showing them pictures of them when they were really new or me in labour because they love hearing about it and thinking about the love and excitement surrounding their entrance into the world. That to me is actually what celebrating the birthday is actually about not a party where they get stuff.

Offred · 27/10/2012 09:46

WRT Father Christmas and the tooth fairy we've always told them the stories as though they are any other story and explained that lots of other children believe in them and it is up to them what they want to believe themselves. Like we would do with anything else. I think they see them in the same way - belief is a choice and they are a fun game.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 27/10/2012 11:01

Has nobody ever told their child that the ice cream van has run out, or that it's their bedtime early, eat your crusts, it'll make your hair curly...
I defy anyone to have never told their child a lie!
She is four. As long as there are presents, she won't give a shit?

Fakebook · 27/10/2012 11:09

Why are you pussyfooting around her? A just turned 4 year old wont care when it's their birthday.

steppemum · 27/10/2012 13:29

actually we did this when dd2 was 2 and 3, dh was away and came back the day after her birthday, dh being away on her birthday really mattered to her when she was 3, she couldn't read a calendar and no-one knew except us and her nursery who were happy to delay it a day. Her party was at weekend following, so that was irrelevant.

Some people thought we were odd, but dd was happy that daddy came back on her birthday and wasn't away.

I couldn't have done it when she was 4, she put a sticker on the calendar and counted down the days til her birthday.

dh is away again now, but will be back before her birthday next week. But also now she would cope with it, because she can understand the time lag in a way she couldn't at 3

conorsrockers · 27/10/2012 13:31

We used to do this all the time when the kids were younger to avoid having 'two' birthdays. Infact, one we moved by a few months Hmm. They are not emotionally scarred Grin

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 13:34

You don't have to lie though, you can still tell her it's her birthday but that the party is another day..

tiggytape · 27/10/2012 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Campari · 27/10/2012 15:31

YABU. Your daughter may not know the difference, but is that any excuse for not at least doing something small like a birthday dinner or cake to mark the anniversary of the day she was brought into the world?

Flojo1979 · 27/10/2012 15:40

Very odd.
My DCs have several 'birthdays', they know when the actual day is, and they have birthday tea with me and my parents. They have bday with their dad at wkend. They usually have a party with nursery/school friends on a different day and my brother usually comes up from down south at some point in the month and DC open his presents and we got out for tea.
I don't get why u would lie, its wrong. U should just explain why the party and present opening from u is the day after.

MrsBovary · 27/10/2012 15:47

Yanbu in celebrating on another day. But I really don't see that pretending her actual birth day is also tomorrow is necessary.

ReindeerBOOOOllocks · 27/10/2012 16:18

I know someone who had a baby on the 13th and was suspicious. So much so she got the midwifed to change the date on the BC to the 12th (this was a long time ago mind). The baby has grown up now and isn't aware of the date switch at all! Now that is odd.

However, your post, not so much. You are celebrating her birthday just the next day when all of her family can be around and she has a party. I think it's rather sweet and don't see the harm personally.

Zipadeedoodah · 27/10/2012 16:20

offred nobody is for a minute denying they are twins!, we are just celebrating their individuality. One of them has some issues which means that the other always plays second fiddle so this is where the idea was borne out of . Anyway, I'm sure we all love our children so much we just want them to be happy ..and are doing what we think is best for them .So I am going to agree to disagree - just because someone disagrees with me I don't feel the need to accuse them of damaging their children, just accept that there are differing but just as valid points if views to mine - all the best with our twin birthdays .

Offred · 27/10/2012 16:26

Right I was assuming you were accusing me of treating my twins as a gimmick for my benefit and disrespecting their individuality because I didn't give them separate birthdays. Maybe you were just explaining your reasons for your choice in the same way I was explaining the reasons for mine when I said it would be exploiting their vulnerability. I can agree to disagree and I'm sure we are all always doing what we think is best.

marriedinwhite · 27/10/2012 16:59

Why? Our ds's birthday is Xmas Day. Many suggested it should be celebrated before or after when he was born. Xmas day is his birthday. We celebrate his birthday on his birthday even if he has his party on another day.

You can't change the facts so why fabricate the truth?