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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Stepdaughter should set off early to get to her grandfather's funeral rather than ask for the date to be changed to suit her?

101 replies

PoshPenny · 21/10/2012 20:00

Step daughter has asked if funeral date could be changed to Tuesday week as Friday 2nd (STC) the date we are proposing to have it would not be so convenient for her. They are planning a couple of days away at a hotel with friends and they would have to leave after breakfast on Friday (which was their planned departure day anyway) to get back in time for the service. Tuesday doesn't work at all for me, plus it is all the "fitting in" with the Funeral Director and Crematorium's availability that is the main point of aiming for the Friday. We will have a little more time to sort everything out.

All I was trying to do was plan sufficiently far ahead for the best chance of getting the date and time we would like to have. :(

Please let me know if you think I'm over-reacting...

OP posts:
FoxtrotFoxtrotScarier · 21/10/2012 20:02

Your DSD is being totally U! One can't plan ahead for funerals, she has to change her plans to attend. Tell her to stop being an arse!

You aren't overreacting at all!

expatinscotland · 21/10/2012 20:02

You are not over-reacting. You have to use the times the crematorium is available. Tough for her.

UniS · 21/10/2012 20:03

stick with friday. If it works for most people.

squeakytoy · 21/10/2012 20:03

Not over-reacting, and if that is the date it is going to be, then that is the date it will be and she will have to change her plans, but if it hasnt already been decided, then it wasnt unreasonable of her to suggest an alternative date.

To be fair, she had already made arrangements and is trying to rearrange her schedule too by the sounds of it.

Planning a funeral is alway difficult for everyone. Sorry for your loss.

lola88 · 21/10/2012 20:04

I think it's really shocking of her to ask for the date to be changed!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2012 20:05

YANBU. Funerals are, by definition, last minute and tend to be inconvenient.

Thisisaeuphemism · 21/10/2012 20:05

I have never heard of anyone seriously asking to change the date. That way madness lies.

lunar1 · 21/10/2012 20:06

The whole point is that we all take time out of our lives to pay respect and remember who we have lost. She is being very unreasonable.

thebody · 21/10/2012 20:08

Good grief, what a princess no yrnbu...

squeakytoy · 21/10/2012 20:08

OP has said the date she is "proposing", which means it has not been decided for definate yet unless I am reading something that others are not.

OP also says "tuesday doesnt work for her", and surely compromise is something that everyone involved closely needs to work with.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/10/2012 20:09

It's very hard to judge without knowing the family dynamics and the specifics of the trip, but taking your OP at face value, then the date has to be the one that the crematorium can do, as well as the most family members.

I don't think anyone has more right to a convenient date than anyone else, including the person organising. These things are always difficult, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Fakebook · 21/10/2012 20:11

Bloody hell! YANBU! Is this a joke?

Original poster
PoshPenny · 21/10/2012 20:17

Thank you, I feel a lot less mean now. it's hard being a stepmother (even if they are grown up with kids of their own now). We should find out tomorrow if the Friday will work, we couldn't get in to see the funeral director until Friday at 3pm, he died the previous Saturday. Everything is slightly complicated because my husband wants his father cremated privately first followed by thanksgiving service with the ashes present for interment afterwards. To make that happen, the Crem need 2 clear days to get the ashes back.

Still this is a good learning experience for me - 1 down, 3 more elderly parents to go. I shall learn a lot from all this which will be useful in the future.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 21/10/2012 20:18

You are lucky you have options,crematoriums down here struggle to find time slots for funerals, they have being trying to build new ones for years, no one wants one near them,

Asking for funeral times to be changed to fit in with leisure activities, is extremely bad manners, and a bit sad.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/10/2012 20:21

YANBU

It just isn't "done" to ask for a funeral to be changed. Especially for a reason like this.

Sorry for your loss

ssd · 21/10/2012 20:23

I had this recently

my mum died and a close family member asked for the funeral date to be a week late the fit in with her holiday

and seemed to think this was ok to ask

lieback · 21/10/2012 20:36

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

My Uncle organised my nana's funeral on the day I had an A level. He never saw her but was her next of kin (my dad was his brother and was already dead). I had only met my Uncle once even though my nana had lived with us for the last 4-5 years of her life. I think if you are arranging a funeral for fully 3 weeks after the person has died then it doesn't take much to check with close family which dates suit them even if it means getting back to them later and saying too bad, we tried to accommodate you but we couldn't. Its not even a confirmed date yet so she isn't so much asking for it to be changed as asking it to be arranged on a date that suits her and as you are going for the Friday over the Tuesday for your convenience I don't see that she is being outrageously cheeky to ask.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/10/2012 21:14

YANBU x1000000. Cannot believe she asked you to change the date! It's a funeral not a birthday party!

Snazzyspookyandscary · 21/10/2012 21:16

You don't ask for someone's funeral to be conveniently arranged to fit in with your social life! Unbelievably self-centred. YANBU.

AdoraBell · 21/10/2012 21:25

WTAF, who asks for a funeral date to be changedConfused, that's outrageous. I'd be saying something along the lines of - you know what date the funeral is, if you wish to attend you have the ability to make that happen- end of story.

I know sometimes people have someone thing on that they really can't change, like the other poster with the A-level, but this is totally different.

I'm sorry for your loss.

LeeCoakley · 21/10/2012 21:28

Don't most people find out available dates at the crematorium then find the date that suits everyone? Or if not, the one that inconveniences the least amount of people. So Tuesday doesn't suit you and Friday doesn't suit her. No harm in her asking really.

Snazzyspookyandscary · 21/10/2012 21:35

No, they don't in my experience. Bereaved people don't tend to want to do endless rounds of phonecalls saying 'how's Tuesday for you?' It's part of the respect shown to the person who's died that if they mean something to you, you make every effort to attend. That may include taking unpad time off work for some people. It certainly means that if you have to leave your weekend away slightly earlier than planned (but still get to go!), you do it, rather than whining and asking for everything to be arranged around you.

LeeCoakley · 21/10/2012 21:41

So if your parent died you wouldn't check a suitable date with your children? I'm maybe not talking about a large family with a huge number of grandchildren etc but a small family would check with siblings and children that everyone was ok with the date. Perhaps it's just us that do that then.

apostropheuse · 21/10/2012 21:42

I think the date just has to be set to suit when you can be fitted in by the crematorium and funeral directors, since you can't suit everyone.

I'm presuming that the Tuesday "doesn't work for (you)" because of something more important than returning home a little early in the day from a holiday.

I'm sorry you're having to wait almost three weeks to have the funeral - it seems like such a long time.

LeeCoakley · 21/10/2012 21:42

I realise my first post wasn't clear! I meant close relatives not everyone.