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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my Stepdaughter should set off early to get to her grandfather's funeral rather than ask for the date to be changed to suit her?

101 replies

PoshPenny · 21/10/2012 20:00

Step daughter has asked if funeral date could be changed to Tuesday week as Friday 2nd (STC) the date we are proposing to have it would not be so convenient for her. They are planning a couple of days away at a hotel with friends and they would have to leave after breakfast on Friday (which was their planned departure day anyway) to get back in time for the service. Tuesday doesn't work at all for me, plus it is all the "fitting in" with the Funeral Director and Crematorium's availability that is the main point of aiming for the Friday. We will have a little more time to sort everything out.

All I was trying to do was plan sufficiently far ahead for the best chance of getting the date and time we would like to have. :(

Please let me know if you think I'm over-reacting...

OP posts:

clam · 21/10/2012 21:50

I think that when organising a funeral, you consult with the very closest family about the logistics of various days/times (e.g. how early/late in the day to allow for people to travel long-distance to attend etc.) and then try and fit that together with the funeral directors/cemetery/crematorium/vicar/whoever. You really can't go much further out than that because then, apart from anything else, you're lining yourself up for a couple of people saying they can't do different dates and you having to choose which one to piss off by picking their awkward one.

But in this case, as the date hasn't actually been confirmed yet, it sounds as though the dsd is just expressing a preference, which isn't quite as rude as asking for it to be changed. But her preference doesn't work for the rest of you, so you say sorry, can't be done.

picturesinthefirelight · 21/10/2012 21:52

How it works round here is the crem gives the undertaker the first available date and you take it unless there is a very good reason not too eg a close family member being abroad at the time of death needing to travel back.

Usually the immediate family want it done as soon as possible so they can start the healing process - asking for delay in these circumstances is unreasonable.

lieback · 21/10/2012 21:53

I don't think phoning your own children and siblings constitutes 'endless rounds of phonecalls'. I think my Uncle was a total bastard for not even considering whether anyone but him could come to my nana's funeral. His wife and dcs didn't come so my nana ended up with one of her 3 dcs, one DIL and 1 out of six grandchildren. I lived with her, I was bereaved too.

DeckSwabber · 21/10/2012 21:59

lieback that is so sad. A shocking disregard for what your nana would have wanted.

I hope you have found another way to mourne her.

pigletmania · 21/10/2012 22:16

YANBU hw rude of your stepdaughter, don't change the date

Sallyingforth · 21/10/2012 22:22

I've heard a few unreasonable things on here but your stepdaughter just about takes the biscuit. As others have said the funeral is arranged as soon as the funeral director can fix it with the most immediate family. Everyone else will/should arrange their own affairs to fit in with it, out of respect for the deceased.

squeakytoy · 21/10/2012 22:24

I would say a grandaughter comes closer to being immediate family than a daughter in law to be honest.

I cant quite understand the vitriol towards the stepdaughter that is being given out by so many posters.

The date hasnt already been decided. The stepdaughter has simply asked IF it would be possible to have the funeral at a particular date because the one that has been SUGGESTED so far is not all that convenient for her.

apostropheuse · 21/10/2012 22:54

I may be misunderstanding - but it seems to me that the OP isn't actually taking the earlier date. The grandaughter wants the Tuesday and the OP wants the Friday. The Tuesday suits the grandaughter, but not the OP (her stepmother).

cumfy · 22/10/2012 00:10

Has she got the wrong end of the stick and feels your canvassing for what would be the best date for everyone (you said proposed) ?

mynewpassion · 22/10/2012 00:16

The date has not been set. Neither has crematorium set a date.

DSD can ask for a preference date just as the OP has done.

Nothing wrong with that.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 22/10/2012 00:20

You clearly need to send her a text,

"Deirdre, it is his funeral we are talking about, not a party, I am sorry this conflicts with your social life and your travels. We need to stick to the date that fits the venue, in this case, the crematorium, sorry."

purplepenguin86 · 22/10/2012 00:38

I don't think having to leave the hotel a few hours early constitutes a good reason for changing a funeral date. Sometimes it is unfortunate and funerals fall on inconvenient days - my grandad died the summer before last and the funeral was on my 25th birthday. It was a horrible way to spend my birthday, but there was no talk of changing the funeral because of this, as that date was suitable for everyone else, and it was just my bad luck it fell then. If your step daughter was going to be abroad on holiday and would have to alter flights etc then that would be different, but I don't see that leaving the hotel a bit earlier than planned is that big a problem. However, if the Funeral Director/Crematorium could make the date she suggests, and it works for everyone apart from you then I'm not sure what the solution is, as I'm assuming it is your father in law and her grandfather, therefore she has the closer link? And if the date hasn't been fixed yet then I don't know - you are both pushing the date that suits you best (assuming I have read correctly) so I don't think either of you are being unreasonable as such, but one of you will have to compromise.

DeckSwabber · 22/10/2012 06:48

As a matter of interest, why does the Tuesday not work for you?

What does your husband/partner think?

DeckSwabber · 22/10/2012 06:52

notquint if one of my grandparents died I would be beyond angry to get a text like that from a stepparent at a time like this.

diddl · 22/10/2012 06:57

"text like that from a stepparent at a time like this. "-yes, because it´s not at all possible that they would be acting on behalf of their spouse, is it?

If my Dad had died & my daughter thought it too difficult to miss a few hours of a weekend away I´d be disgusted with her tbh.

I suppose it depends how it was all requested.

Gingerodgers · 22/10/2012 07:04

I think it is a bit rude of your step daughter, but examining your own motives might be worthwhile. I had a step mother, and I am sure she would have done anything to make me look bad................

carabos · 22/10/2012 08:34

I've never heard of anybody who is organising a funeral consulting others about the date. IME you take the first available date and get on with it. The whole idea is to get it done as soon as possible.

At one time, and is still the case in many places, the funeral would be tge day after the death - end of. As someone else has said, it's not a party ffs.

TiAAAAARGHo · 22/10/2012 08:46

I'd never ask for a funeral to be moved. They are hard enough to organise to begin with.

allnewtaketwo · 22/10/2012 08:58

I think it is the height of bad manners to suggest rearranging a funeral time to suit your social life.

shewhowines · 22/10/2012 08:59

It depends on how she asked. If it was "tuesday works better for me if possible" but with the tone of voice that indicated she wouldn't be upset if that couldn't be managed, then that would be ok to ask.

If she had already stipulated that Wed and Thur couldn't be possible (presumably that's why those dated weren't bandied around, so she had been consulted and her plans had already been allowed for) and didn't want Fri either, then she's taking the p.

clam · 22/10/2012 09:20

SHE HASN'T SUGGESTED REARRANGING THE TIME!!!! The time hasn't yet been fixed.

TheDeathAndGlories · 22/10/2012 09:24

It's depends why the Tuesday isn't convenient for you.

watchoutforthatsnail · 22/10/2012 09:25

i had this recently. My grandad died. We ( my siblings and i) have been outsted from the family anyway... so didnt expect to be considered. We were all going on holiday, the day of the funeral.
We didnt think it was possible to go, but pulled massive strings ( costing alot of money) so we could just go to the church service.

I did ask if it could be changed, not to a different day, but to an earlier time. But it couldnt as my step family ( dads wifes family couldnt do those times.... it was very hurtful that my step sister and brothers needs come before actual blood relations)

but anyway, we did all we could and went. not that we were acknowledged, no one even looked our way ( including our father) and we certainly were not invited to the wake.

I dont think this girl is being unreasonable, the date hasnt been set, shes just asking if it could be later. why isnt the tue ok for you? why is it ok for you to be too busy that day, but shes a cow for saying it would be harder for her if its the fri?

allnewtaketwo · 22/10/2012 09:35

"plus it is all the "fitting in" with the Funeral Director and Crematorium's availability that is the main point of aiming for the Friday. We will have a little more time to sort everything out.

We should find out tomorrow if the Friday will work, we couldn't get in to see the funeral director until Friday at 3pm, he died the previous Saturday. Everything is slightly complicated because my husband wants his father cremated privately first followed by thanksgiving service with the ashes present for interment afterwards. To make that happen, the Crem need 2 clear days to get the ashes back"

The OP's posts don't make Friday sound like a proposal as such, more that they are currently waiting to hear whether it can all be fitted in with funeral directors/crematorium etc, and to meet with her husband's wishes re. ashes. So not really at the 'discussion' stage, more making sure all the arrangements can be lined up at this date. I imagine to start trying to rehash all these discussions with funeral directors/crematoriums would be quite time-consuming etc. It's not as if the daughter won't be able to come, it's just that she'd have to leave a couple of hours early.

diddl · 22/10/2012 09:39

Thing is though-the SD dosn´t have to alter any plans, does she-just get up & get going perhaps earlier that she might like.

Also, what works for OPs husband?

Perhaps he wants his wife & daughter there, & if his wife can´t do Tues at all, then it´s NU to think that the daughter can leave early on the Fri?

Are there many GC, OP?

When my GPs died, I wasn´t consulted at all-just told when the funerals were-& I could either make it or not.

There were 7 siblings trying to organise themselves, without taking all of their children into account as well!

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