To think my Stepdaughter should set off early to get to her grandfather's funeral rather than ask for the date to be changed to suit her?

[PoshPenny]

Step daughter has asked if funeral date could be changed to Tuesday week as Friday 2nd (STC) the date we are proposing to have it would not be so convenient for her. They are planning a couple of days away at a hotel with friends and they would have to leave after breakfast on Friday (which was their planned departure day anyway) to get back in time for the service. Tuesday doesn't work at all for me, plus it is all the "fitting in" with the Funeral Director and Crematorium's availability that is the main point of aiming for the Friday. We will have a little more time to sort everything out.

All I was trying to do was plan sufficiently far ahead for the best chance of getting the date and time we would like to have. :(

Please let me know if you think I'm over-reacting...

[javotte]

YANBU. I interrupted my first holiday in 4 years, 5 months into my pregnancy, and travelled all the way from the South of France and back to go to my grandmother's funeral. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking for the date to be postponed so that I could relax on the beach!

[lieback]

She isn't asking for it to be postponed.

It hasn't been arranged yet.

The OP has dates which she can't do herself.

The GD wants the funeral to be earlier. The Op wants it to be later (ie postponed) because the tuesday doesn't work for her.

The OP hasn't said that the crem or funeral directors can't do another time, just that she can't.

A granddaughter is a close relative.

[Mrsjay]

you have to organise a funeral and SHe is being difficult she either goes on the date or doesn't simple as, I am sorry for your loss

[whois]

Why the hatred to the DSD?

Date proposed, she would rather have the funeral the week after, that isn't convenient for step mum (why?) so funeral goes ahead as planned on Friday. No drama.

I think my family must be a hell of a lot nicer, accommodating and grounded than the majority of families here. If my nan's funeral was about to take place and I has a weeks holiday booked I would ask if it was possible to do it after the holiday. I would expect a 'yes' or a 'no, sorry, can't get a slot that works that week' not a load of hatred! Chill people.

[EternalHope]

I am sorry for your loss and that of your SD.

YAB a bit U. If you are waiting 3 weeks for the funeral then checking that the date is convenient for close relatives (children, siblings and grandchildren) should be possible. Obviously, you might not be able to accommodate all requests but it is not U of your SD to ask about a different day. She has not said she WON'T come on the Friday, has she?

Look at lieback's posts - sometimes Grandchildren are closer than older relatives. Perhaps you are a relatively new DIL (? sorry, you may have been very close with your FIL, it's just a point), whereas your SD will have been his grandchild all her life.

[samandi]

YANBU. If her holiday is more important to her than her grandfather's funeral, then presumably she won't be too bothered about missing it.

[samandi]

It would actually never occur to me to request a funeral date be changed

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

If the op is the main person in charge for arranging it (seeing as her husband is most likely grieving), then it is only natural that she arranges it for a day that she herself can be present, as she is most likely going to be busy ensuring it is running smoothly.

[clam]

I didn't interpret it as being that the OP couldn't make the Tuesday, just that it was several days earlier and therefore a squeeze to fit in the cremation first, with 2 days' clearance inbetween.

And the sd hasn't requested the date be changed.

Anway, what whois said.

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

There were posters asking the op why she was busy on the Tuesday. I took that to mean that it was hinted that the op should arrange the funeral for a date that the grand daughter could do, as granddaughter trumps stepmum.
Maybe I was the only one to read it that way.

[allnewtaketwo]

not sure why whois is suggesting 'hatred' being expressed

[ChaoticismyLife]

Tuesday doesn't work at all for me, plus it is all the "fitting in" with the Funeral Director and Crematorium's availability that is the main point of aiming for the Friday.

SD is not BU to ask but if you can't do Tuesday you can't do Tuesday.

GD may be closer than DIL but DS is Closer than GD and maybe he'd like his DW there to support him on the day.

[socharlotte]

I'm confused.Your DSD is his direct descendant.You are no relative at all!

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

What exactly do you find confusing, socharlotte?

[lieback]

The funeral date hasn't been set yet.

OP is seeing funeral director today to confirm the date.

On what planet is this 'asking for the date to be changed' or 'asking for it to be postponed' bearing in mind that the gd wants it earlier, not later.

Leaving a funeral for fully 3 weeks after the death and then making sure its on a day that makes it hard for a close relative to come sounds like pure bloodymindedness to me. Why not the previous monday, or the following monday or the Friday but later in the day?

I don't think the funeral should be arranged so the gd can go and the dil can't but to say that there is a date you would rather not do and then get arsey about someone else saying that there is a date they would rather not do too, before the bloody thing is even booked, rather makes all the "we all take time out of our lives" "Everyone else will/should arrange their own affairs to fit in with it" seem a bit pot-kettle to me.

[allnewtaketwo]

Good grief socharlotte - the OP's DH is clearly leaning on her heavily in his grief to organise his father's funeral. What should the OP say? "No, you do it, I'm no relative at all?" .

Do you feel perhaps that the daughter should be organising the funeral, as "direct descendant"

[Blu]

It is her grandmother.... and why isn't this between her Dad and her? I think for you to be negotiating with her, putting your needs before hers, over the funeral of her GM puts you in a very difficult position? Why does she have less right for it to suit her than you do?

As understand it she is asking that it be sooner?

Many funerals are arranged with a week's notice, that's the nature of the event.

Whatever the resolution to this, it would be very sad if it led to bad feeling in the family, so proceed gently.

[shewhowines]

My understanding is op thinks the Tuesday requested by GD is too soon to arrange anything as it is before the Friday, so assuming that Op isn't trying for Wed or Thurs because GD is away on her break, then the Op is already taking GD into account. Obviously, if she is already delaying it till the Fri for GD, then she doesn't want to do it any later. She could however, try for a later time on the Fri.

[socharlotte]

What Blu said in her first paragraph

[drjohnsonscat]

Regardless of why or how it came to this, I'm amazed that anyone even thinks of asking for the date to be changed. As someone said, it's a funeral and it would be nice for people to understand that death is not supposed to be convenient. It's actually a good thing that it cuts across your life and makes you stop and take time out to do things differently. Otherwise we could just have drive-in funerals and sit in the car because it's more convenient. Or virtual ones where we all just log-in on Facebook and look at a photo.

There are some sad examples on here where people have obviously deliberately been dis-included by deliberate bad timing and that's awful. But this isn't about that - it's about someone even thinking twice about how it would it into their life. Surely you just say "yes absolutely" and then move heaven and earth to be there, inconvenient or not.

[FryOneGhoulishGhostlyManic]

I do not believe the OP is trying to put herself above the granddaughter here, but it does look as if she's trying to arrange things to fit into her husband's wishes. Husband being DS of deceased and therefore trumps the granddaughters preferences.

[HouseElfAtLarge]

Uh oh, never use the word "step" in AIBU poshpenny rookie mistake. Tut tut.

Let your husband plan it. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

From, the voice of bitter experience.

[Jux]

My experience of funerals (7 since 2008) is that in the end you take the time slots the crematorium/church have available.

[Iamnotamindreader]

As Jux said this will all be a moot point after the visit to the funeral directors. It's not just them and the crematorium that have to tie in with availability it will also be whoever is leading the service be it religious or not, along with any possible church service.

With so much to coordinate most people end up with a choice of morning or afternoon on the one day. Crematoria service a wide area and have quite a few funeral directors to liase with.

[Jusfloatingby]

I cannot believe a granddaughter would not put herself out a bit to go to her grandfather's funeral and would have the cheek to ask for the date to be changed. How selfish.

Here in Ireland people are buried 2-3 days after the death so people just have to make themselves available at very very short notice. If a close family member has to travel from overseas for the funeral the date might be postponed by a couple of days, but I have never ever heard of a funeral being postponed just because it slightly inconveniences someone.