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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Stepdaughter should set off early to get to her grandfather's funeral rather than ask for the date to be changed to suit her?

101 replies

PoshPenny · 21/10/2012 20:00

Step daughter has asked if funeral date could be changed to Tuesday week as Friday 2nd (STC) the date we are proposing to have it would not be so convenient for her. They are planning a couple of days away at a hotel with friends and they would have to leave after breakfast on Friday (which was their planned departure day anyway) to get back in time for the service. Tuesday doesn't work at all for me, plus it is all the "fitting in" with the Funeral Director and Crematorium's availability that is the main point of aiming for the Friday. We will have a little more time to sort everything out.

All I was trying to do was plan sufficiently far ahead for the best chance of getting the date and time we would like to have. :(

Please let me know if you think I'm over-reacting...

OP posts:
cumfy · 22/10/2012 17:02

Here in Ireland people are buried 2-3 days after the death so people just have to make themselves available

Indeed, and ironically had that happened here DSD would apparently have been content.

lieback · 22/10/2012 17:26

"but I have never ever heard of a funeral being postponed just because it slightly inconveniences someone."

Its the OP who wants a 3 week delay. The gd wants it earlier but can't have it because it 'inconveniences' the OP.

HouseElfAtLarge · 22/10/2012 17:34

As the grandaughter is an adult herself by the sound of it - why isn't she organising the funeral, being a closer relative and all... Confused

lieback · 22/10/2012 17:35

Because she isn't next of kin.

HouseElfAtLarge · 22/10/2012 17:39

Ah, right, so OP's DH should be doing it - as next of kin, but the job is falling to his wife to do. Right.

Then they all need to let her get on with it and do it how she sees fit.

Jux · 22/10/2012 17:42

OP, you say 'we would like to have'. Who is 'we'?

ajandjjmum · 22/10/2012 18:14

But it's good practise for the OP, because she's got three more to arrange! Hmm

Original poster
PoshPenny · 22/10/2012 21:41

Gosh, some of you are really reading things into this that just aren't there. My stepdaughter and I have always got on fine, there is no power struggle like some of you imply.

My husband (the son) is organising the funeral, his mother (the widow) is 93 and in a nursing home, she really isn't able to do it herself. I may be doing research and sorting out some logistics but he and his mother make the final decisions. My stepdaughter asked my husband (her father) to change the date, not me. She does not want to do a 2 hour drive to the funeral on Friday "under pressure" so would rather the date was changed. He is not happy with her request at all, neither are my daughters (her half sisters) aged 17 and 18.

cumfy and lieback, you are being very judgemental, we are not choosing to delay the funeral by 3 weeks, it is the way things have to be. In fact I was the one pushing for it NOT to go any longer than 3 weeks. I very much doubt that we would have been able to get a funeral organised (as in a "slot" at the crem) this week at all when the Funeral Director was only able to start things off first thing this morning after our meeting on Friday 6 days after my FIL's death - they earliest they could see us, because they are busy at the moment. As it happens, we have got what we hoped for, the private cremation on Tuesday next week, followed by a formal service on the Friday at 1230 (a time chosen so that the older people attending can hopefully get back home before dark).

ajandjjmum, what a mean thing to write, I like to learn lessons from what I do which I can apply to events in the future so they can be better if possible, do you not do that yourself? Or are all your parties awful because its a point of principle for you not to learn lessons from previous events?
The Tuesday my stepdaughter wanted it to be changed to is not a good date for either my husband or me because my husband is working (1 week on, 1 week off) he doesn't want to take compassionate leave at the moment and I have one of those quarterly multi-agency meetings that I really do HAVE to go to. It cannot be re-scheduled. Step-Daughter is away on a 2 night half term break with her husband and 2 kids. She doesn't work.
She's just phoned her dad. Evidently she is not happy that original proposed dates have been confirmed, and is still saying it will not be convenient for her. Worrying about traffic on a friday morning in half term. My husband is really upset again. My girls just think she's being a pain now. Families eh?

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 22/10/2012 22:00

I have never, ever heard of anyone being so self centred to even consider asking for a funeral date to be moved due to a holiday, awful behaviour, she should be ashamed of herself - I thought at first she was quite young and inexperienced/unworldly but since you say she's married with kids I'm utterly shocked

LisaD1 · 22/10/2012 22:20

I'm sorry for your family's loss. You DSD is behaving appallingly in my opinion, her father has just lost his father, right now is not the time to be so selfish. IMO, death and weddings bring out the absolute worst in people. I think your DH and his mother should plan the send off for his dad as they sit fit, if your DSD were my DD I would tell her the plans once they were confirmed and refuse to debate it, only she can decide if her grandfathers funeral is worth the effort.

allnewtaketwo · 23/10/2012 08:06

OP the reason people are jumping to conclusions, and to the defence of your son's daughter is purely (imo) because of the step relationship. If you had posted the same scenario but ommitted the word 'step' I am convinced those points wouldn't have been made. The word seems to bring out the worst in some posters, and the automatic assumptions that the OP is unreasonable.

DeckSwabber · 23/10/2012 08:33

I think the reasons people are 'reading thing in' to the situation is just because there is limited infomration to go on and when you are writing an OP it is hard to second quess every question. For example, if your reason for not wanting Tuesday was a long-standing hair appointment it would be a different discussion altogether.

So fully armed with the facts, no, YANBU. Anyone else would be falling over themselves to fit in with what is right for her Dad and the rest of the family, and coming home a few hours early is really not that big a deal.

Just ignore her. Its up to her to decide whether to come or not.

NotaDisneyMum · 23/10/2012 08:56

OP - sorry for your loss; sadly, deaths and funerals do tend to bring out the less appealing side of family members and conflict is, ime, more common than not Sad

allnew Wednesday Martins excellent book explains why it is impossible for MN posters to ignore generations of social conditioning - step mums take the flak in all cultures - to protect the reputation of less-than-perfect mothers Wink

ajandjjmum · 23/10/2012 13:45

Sorry Penny - yes it was mean. It was just the '1 down, 3 more elderly parents to go' - I'm in the same situation, and couldn't be so dismissive.

Glad you've got it sorted.

And by the way - my parties are great! Grin

treaclesoda · 23/10/2012 13:57

how long after the death are funerals usually held? Where I'm from, someone dies, next day everyone comes to the house and views the body, day after that, funeral.

Just curious as to what is the norm in the rest of the UK?

picturesinthefirelight · 23/10/2012 17:06

The norm in my experience is that for a straightforward death- dr in attendance/expected the funeral is usually about 5-10 working days after the death.

If you have to wait for the coroner to release the body/decide whether an autopsy is needed or it's a busy time (winter flu epidemic etc) then it can be anything up to 3 weeks

Jux · 23/10/2012 18:27

We had to wait nearly 4 weeks on one of ours because the priest meant to be officiating had gone away and was uncontactable, so we just had to wait for him to come back and NO ONE in the diocese seemed to know when he was due to return.

Another we had to wait about that too, as it was really complicated trying to get things organised, but that was a fairly public one and we had to make arrangements for some important people to come from abroad and other stuff.

Otherwise, yes, usually one or two weeks.

ssd · 23/10/2012 18:45

op, this comment from you made me shudder

"Still this is a good learning experience for me - 1 down, 3 more elderly parents to go. I shall learn a lot from all this which will be useful in the future."

wow

thank god you're getting some experience in here, would hate to think your FIL dying wasn't a good learning experience for you

really don't know why I struggled with my mums funeral recently, after all I was 3 down, 1 more elderly parent to go..you'd think I'd learnt something from the others wouldn't you

silly me

Jux · 23/10/2012 18:47

ssd, I think that's gallows humour.

PickledFanjoCat · 23/10/2012 18:47

I have never in all my days heard of anyone asking to rearrange a funeral.

I can see extenuating circumstances might occur, but this is silly!

ssd · 23/10/2012 18:51

so true jux

as I said way up thread, one of my family asked for mums funeral to be a week later to fit in with a holiday

theres nothing on this thread which surprises me

Jux · 23/10/2012 19:11

This aunt asked me a week before a very emotional and difficult to organise funeral if I could change everything. Everything about it, from the officiating priest to the multiple venues. The only thing she didn't expect me to change was the date. Her reason was that she felt sure that X would want it; this despite my having spoken to X about all of it two days before they died. That was the time I cried!

ajandjjmum · 23/10/2012 21:11

Jux
Don't think it was gallows humour, I think the OP is a pretty organised person who looks on everything as a learning experience - her response to me upthread when I picked up on that comment was -
'I like to learn lessons from what I do which I can apply to events in the future so they can be better if possible, do you not do that yourself? Or are all your parties awful because its a point of principle for you not to learn lessons from previous events?'
We're all different. Smile I was in too many pieces following my DF's death and funeral to learn anything though!

ssd · 23/10/2012 22:54

no aj, jux was spot on

anyway, onwards and upwards eh, I havent got the heart for a fight right now

midseasonsale · 24/10/2012 01:01

Is there a good date the following week?