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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want this mum to get her comeupance

216 replies

Tryingtobenice · 21/10/2012 13:14

Ok so IABU and I don't really want there to be any impact as that would mean her baby is unhappy but...

WIBU to want to stamp my foot a bit and tantrum 'it's not fair!'?

I have ebf on demand, very much baby driven parenting, carrying her everywhere because she doesn't much like being put down (screams if you try). She is in a side of bed cot or our bed each night. I've done all I can to meet her needs so she doesn't scream the house down is happy and secure.

My friend has instilled a routine at 2 weeks, night weaned/ sleep trained from 8 weeks and has had her in her own room from 12 weeks.

The outcome just seems so unfair.

My baby is lovely, very alert and lively and is happy most of the time, but we still have to keep her entertained fairly labour intensively and she hasn't slept for more than 3 hours at a stretch in 5 months.

Friend's baby could be an advert for Gina Ford. Content, calm, sleeps through. She wakes up at 5am but "we just leave her to chat to herself until 7"!

If i left my DD for more than 10 mins we would be at defcon 1, full screaming, real tears, purple face.

2 different parents, 2 different babies, 2 different approaches and 2 different outcomes.

What if i listened to the wrong advice? What if I have 'made a rod for my own back'?

AIBU to even just a little bit hope that friend's DD is a really badly behaved, insecure nuisance as a todler?

OP posts:
diddl · 22/10/2012 09:58

My PFB was relatively easy-fed a lot-but slept a lot.

PSB-slept in my bed in hospital to keep her quiet!

Tincletoes · 22/10/2012 10:00

Well Lola I guess I'm a lentil weaving baby wearer and actually I'm perfectly happy. My friend who is a gina fan has PND. But I'm not stupid enough to think that the 2 of us offer some amazing insight into what anyone else should do.

People should go with what they feel is right, have confidence in it, realise its often the baby that determines whether that approach is right, and above all realise what is right for them and their baby won't be right for someone else. The smug parents are those who think their methods are the only methods, and don't give other parents a break (ie comments like attachment parenting = disorganised life, routine baby = lack of bonding).

I know many good parents who have followed both approaches, it's just not that simple is it.

Mrsjay · 22/10/2012 10:00

oh and baby grizzle is the same as a grown up humphing in bed trying to get comfy thats all the baby isn't upset just trying to go to sleep,

seeker · 22/10/2012 10:04

Note to OP

Generally speaking, mumsnetters do not have senses of humour.Grin

I have a ridiculously cheerful, loving, reasonable, hard working, helpful, communicative teenager. My friend- the parent of a Kevin- greets me regularly with "Has she turned yet? No? Shame!"

MamaBear17 · 22/10/2012 10:05

I was the same as you - baby led all of the way - and my baby just like yours - (colicy to start with but then) bloody demanding. My friend did Gina Ford from 2 weeks and seemingly had the perfect child who slept through the night and sat perfectly at playgroups etc. However, my dd is now the perfect toddler. Honestly, she is so funny and amazes me at how bright she is. She is only 14 months but is walking and talking beautifully and is so happy and content most of the time. My friends toddler, who was the perfect baby, is more of a handful and my friend is currently struggling a bit with her. YABU, but you know that. However, I totally sympathise because I felt the same when I was stood at the baby groups bouncing my screaming monster around whilst the other mums drank coffee and their perfect babies coo'd gently. However, with hindsight I wouldn't change a thing because dd is so brilliant now I obviously did the right thing for her. (BTW, I know that makes me sound smug, but if you had seen me this time last year when we were going through colic hell and me and dd literally spent the whole day crying together you would forgive me for just being so over the moon with how things have turned out.)

DawnOfTheDee · 22/10/2012 10:06

It sounds like you are doubting your parenting 'choices' which i'm sure all of us have done at some point. There's nothing stopping you trying a more routine based approach now if you think it may help your DC.

As many posters have said there is no one 'right' way.

My DD is in a routine. However, this is absolutely nothing to do with me. She went into it herself and I followed her lead. I haven't done any sleep training because I don't need to. You put her down and she sleeps.

Who knows, my next DC may be the polar opposite. I am not organised. I am not smug. Friends with babies who don't sleep well have asked me for advice - I let them know what I do but apologetically tell them it's pretty much all DD and her laidback personality.

Helltotheno · 22/10/2012 10:14

and to try to catch the nuance..

I definitely caught the nuance... but I'm worried about the OP's back from carrying bubs around all the time (I presume she wasn't being ironic there?). You'll do your back in love... I have an intermittently dodgy back anyway so constant carrying was out.

MamaBear17 · 22/10/2012 10:14

BTW, when I say 'I obviously did the right thing', I mean I wasn't doing anything wrong by doing things differently to my friend. I do not think that she has done the wrong thing just because she is having trouble now. Its just, I questioned myself constantly when things were tough, but I couldn't bring myself to do GF because it just went against my instincts. However, that didn't stop me from blaming myself for dd being colicky. What I mean is that I think it comes in swings and roundabouts, no matter what parenting philosophy you follow, you will have tough times and lovely times. Apologies for not explaining myself properly on my first post, but my perfect dd had informed me that I was 'all done' on the laptop and wanted to read 'Charlie and Lola' to her instead!

Mrsjay · 22/10/2012 10:16

why has it to be attachment parenting or Gina ford before in ye olde days parents just parented and did their thing they didn't have baby bibles it confuses me,

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/10/2012 10:26

Bloody hell. This thread is mad.

OP, I thought it was fairly obvious that you were being tongue in cheek. I have two DS's, 12 and 9 now, and they are as different as chalk and cheese. DS1 slept through the night from 9 weeks, was generally content and a very easy to care for baby. He set his own routine, and I generally felt quite smug. Then DS2 landed and all hell broke loose. No routines for this boy. In fact, no sense of being content. And definitely no sleep. For anyone. For months and months. Babies are not born as blank slates. They already have personalities and preferences. If you get an easy baby, get down on your knees and pray to all that is Holy for your luck. If you get a more challenging disposition in your little cherub, steel yourself and keep on trudging. What I can say, with absolute certainty, is that babies grow up. You'll look back in 5, 10 years and it will all be but a hazy memory as you deal with arguments over the XBox. Get through the baby years as best you can. Love them fiercely, keep them as safe as you can and wing it like the rest of us. There is no 'best way' of bringing up a baby, just the way that suits you, your baby and your situation.

seeker · 22/10/2012 10:35

As I said, mumsnetters are admirable people in many ways-but distinctly lacking in a collective sense of humour!

Everlong · 22/10/2012 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helltotheno · 22/10/2012 10:43

Nice post Chickens :)

LST · 22/10/2012 10:46

I'm with you everlong. I don't see it as funny or told in check at all and I do have a sense of humour. I'm just glad I'm not the op's friend.

LST · 22/10/2012 10:46

Tongue not told Confused

LST · 22/10/2012 10:47

And it's cheek... Not check.

(bloody stupid iPhone!)

Mrsjay · 22/10/2012 10:47

I just don't see where this is trying to be funny.

In fact I don't believe it after reading the OP again.

I failed to see the humour in the OP and i normally am spot on with the humour of mumsnet she sounds snidey and pissed off about the whole thing ,

Helltotheno · 22/10/2012 10:50

It's obviously just the OP's stress coming through...

Saying that, I find people do delight in other people's misfortune when it comes to this stuff so my approach has always been not to say too much about anything, even if things are going well. Sad but true, that's human nature for you. I remember answering a factual question about my DS's sleeping habits (innocently thinking everyone's experience was roughly the same because I knew naff all about babies) and getting such a negative, sour-faced response that I never spoke about anything like that again to anyone except close family.

seeker · 22/10/2012 10:50

I said collective sense of humour. If the first couple of posts after the OP had been in a similar vein the thread would have been a hymn of praise to schadenfreude and would have ended up in "classics". Unfortunately, the "burn the witch" brigade got in first.

bonzo77 · 22/10/2012 10:54

YAB vv U. You both made your choices and live with the consequences. Some of the consequences are due to your and your babies' respective personalities. Bei g tied to a strict routine and doing controlled crying etc are not easy either. Maybe she thinks you are getting your come uppance for not being organised / disciplined and pandering to your baby.

LST · 22/10/2012 10:56

I don't blame her seeker I bet it's horrible having a niggly baby. But she didn't need to wish it on her 'friend'

seeker · 22/10/2012 10:59

SHE WAS JOKING! She was mocking herself for being a lentil weavery attachment parent.

She was joking, just like my friend earlier....

LST · 22/10/2012 11:00

It didn't seem or sound like a joke.

LST · 22/10/2012 11:01

And if it was.. Well... Bloody hilarious Hmm

Craftyone · 22/10/2012 11:02

Best thing my mother ever said to me was 'put that baby down'. After while they get used to entertaining themselves and your life is much easier.

ok...ok... i did use a bit of Gina too ;)