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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want this mum to get her comeupance

216 replies

Tryingtobenice · 21/10/2012 13:14

Ok so IABU and I don't really want there to be any impact as that would mean her baby is unhappy but...

WIBU to want to stamp my foot a bit and tantrum 'it's not fair!'?

I have ebf on demand, very much baby driven parenting, carrying her everywhere because she doesn't much like being put down (screams if you try). She is in a side of bed cot or our bed each night. I've done all I can to meet her needs so she doesn't scream the house down is happy and secure.

My friend has instilled a routine at 2 weeks, night weaned/ sleep trained from 8 weeks and has had her in her own room from 12 weeks.

The outcome just seems so unfair.

My baby is lovely, very alert and lively and is happy most of the time, but we still have to keep her entertained fairly labour intensively and she hasn't slept for more than 3 hours at a stretch in 5 months.

Friend's baby could be an advert for Gina Ford. Content, calm, sleeps through. She wakes up at 5am but "we just leave her to chat to herself until 7"!

If i left my DD for more than 10 mins we would be at defcon 1, full screaming, real tears, purple face.

2 different parents, 2 different babies, 2 different approaches and 2 different outcomes.

What if i listened to the wrong advice? What if I have 'made a rod for my own back'?

AIBU to even just a little bit hope that friend's DD is a really badly behaved, insecure nuisance as a todler?

OP posts:
KenLeeeeeee · 21/10/2012 13:49

YABVVVU & VVVV nasty tbh.

Your babies have different personalities, which may have been so regardless of how they've been raised so far. Your parenting choices suited you & your baby; your "friend"s" choices suited them.

Enigmosaurus · 21/10/2012 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

WitchesTit · 21/10/2012 13:50

Am not judging you or her. I'll say, ask yourself the same question in 20 years time when your babies are both grown. A baby is for life and is a human being, into which you pour what love you can, while you can.

Mrsjay · 21/10/2012 13:51

You did what you wanted to do with your baby you did what you thought was best as did your friend some babies are calm some scream bloody murder, and TBH i have had 2 babies did the same things and they had different personaliies as babies , you get what you get Im afraid some babies cry and scream ,

Mrsjay · 21/10/2012 13:52

and DO you want your 'friends' baby to cry and scream and be upset to make you feel a bit better about your choices that is really mean,

CookingFunt · 21/10/2012 13:53

YABU get your jealousy sorted. Your friend does not deserve a punishment for making different choices to you and having an easier baby. Gosh I hope your friend is able to remove the daggers from her back.

applecrumple · 21/10/2012 13:54

Fair enough to call the U but is there really any need to use language like cow, twat & cunt?? What does that prove?! & no, it's not always appropriate to leave your DC to scream (personally I think the whole self soothe stuff is a bit bollocks anyway)

Mrsjay · 21/10/2012 13:54

Oh and just because you did all the 'right' things the baby doesn't know that this wonderful baby rearing advice is just that advice babies don't have to follow suit, and fall into line because you baby wear and give breast milk ( this is not a dig at baby wearers and breast feeders )

mummyonvalium · 21/10/2012 13:54

OP, I sympathise because I had a baby like yours. He hated being left and when I looked at other people's babies who were so well behaved I did feel a bit jealous because they were all so happy and bouncy and would sleep properly in the day.

It is hard work when you have a high maintenance baby but can I just reassure you that it will pay dividends later that you made the effort. In the meantime, don't look at what other people are doing because it will only make you feel shit.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2012 13:57

I think a happy medium is the answer. If there is one. But all babies are different. Some cry a lot and some don't seem to cry that much. But I'm not in favour of this 24 hour carrying around a baby. But if people want to do this it's up to them. But then no point in complaining about a clingy baby that can't ever be put down or left out of sight by its mother for a second.

CelineMcBean · 21/10/2012 13:57
LaQueen · 21/10/2012 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

headinhands · 21/10/2012 13:59

It doesn't all work out equal. We don't all end up having had the same luck. Your dd may well always be more demanding in general, or not, that's life. Having a harder time of it now doesn't mean you'll have an easier time later while someone who had it easier now will have the hard stuff later. Don't people get their head round this obvious reality while they're still kids?

puds11 · 21/10/2012 14:00

You sound like an overbearing parent. I did closer parenting, which is roughly what your describing, although i didn't run to my child the moment she started to cry, and i also actively encouraged her to learn how to play by herself.

You don't sound like a very nice friend, its not her fault that you decided to raise your child different, that was your choice. Hoping that her life will get harder is just plain nasty. I hope she reads this and realises your not a good friend.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 21/10/2012 14:00

A friend of mine parented like the OP. It suited her DD perfectly, it made her second child absolutely miserable.

DontmindifIdo · 21/10/2012 14:00

OP - what you did was always pick the easy option - do you think that you can "just" put a baby in a routine easily? That her DC didn't cry scream etc, that her DC didnt need to learn and adapt to the routine she wanted to use? It was probably hell for a month or so, while she won't have discussed this at the time (routine followers rarely talk about how hard establishing a routine is), she's now reeping the benefits.

Your DD would learn to just chat to herself for more than 10 minutes eventually, but you will have to live through the melt downs while she does.

Make your parenting choices, but accept there isn't an 'easy' option at all, all options involve difficulties.

(BTW - DS was in his own room at 8 weeks even though I was bfing, it actually helped him sleep better, I think we woke him up, once in htere, he did start sleeping longer stretches.)

CookingFunt · 21/10/2012 14:02

Being nasty and sly about a friend is being cuntish apple .
This poor lady is being resented because of sheer luck. I had a high maintenance baby (and still a high maintenance teen) and I never wished it on anyone.

Havingkitties · 21/10/2012 14:03

Yanbu for feeling that life is being unfair...especially when you are sleep deprived, your ears are bleeding from the crying etc, and it's human nature to have some green eyes feelings. I suppose by posting it your just acknowledging the feelings and I can the drift that you don't actually mean any harm to anyone else, just a vent. Having just have my own first baby I totally understand getting the odd pang of baby jealousy, but you do just have to force yourself not to compare yours to others. Take pleasure in all the great things your baby does - the morning smiles, the alertness that make your baby fun to play with.
It's true it's all down to there personalities. Some are ready made Gina Ford babies and yeah that does get on your tits a bit when you have a screamer, particulary if there is anyone who keeps giving you 'advice' on how to get your baby to sleep, eat, shit better (gets on mine) making you feel worse about your parenting but really you wouldn't change your baby for the world. Just sit in your own baby bubble and enjoy it, don't look at other babies or listen to anyone elseSmile

pumpkinsweetie · 21/10/2012 14:05

Haven't read entire thread but op yabu.
Unfortunetly baby led parenting brings with it, it's drawbacks.
She had a choice, so did you.
Be a sisterhood!

clemetteattlee · 21/10/2012 14:05

You are not unreasonable to feel a little envious but you are being incredibly mean spirited to wish that things are hard for her in the future.
The likelihood is that it is other to do with parenting and more to do with baby's temperament. I have a friend who breastfed on demand, co-slept, wore her babies in the day and all three of hers were in a firm routine and sleeping through the night by eight weeks without reference to the Ford routine. Mine on the other hand...

clemetteattlee · 21/10/2012 14:06

"Nothing to do" rather than "other to do"

pumpkinsweetie · 21/10/2012 14:10

And you also have to remember no matter how you parent, every baby is different.
3 out of 4 of my dc were pretty content, but dd2 was my hardest. Infact all she did was cry, i pandered to her every noise.
Even bought her a baby swing, a pushchair rocker ....the works but unfortunetly she was a whingy baby.
I know how it feels to have a clingy baby but not for one second would i have bitched about a friends baby, as it's unfair to do so.

mutny · 21/10/2012 14:12

apple
Fair enough to call the U but is there really any need to use language like cow, twat & cunt??

What else would you call someone who hopes her friend and her baby become miserable. I don't like the word cunt, so wouldn't use it.

However I agree with the other words used. Sleep deprivation isn't an excuse for hoping misery on someone.

lljkk · 21/10/2012 14:13

Why are people taking this seriously? Isn't it obvious OP is talking tongue-in-cheek & just have an understandable & not at all profound self-pity party?

YANBU Wink. In the spirit I'm sure OP was intended. Tantrum away.

Original poster
Tryingtobenice · 21/10/2012 14:16

Oh dear, seems I missed the mark on tone here as I was no where near seriously wishing anyone ill! I thought my caveat upfront made this clear, apparently not. Either that or sunday hangovers have caused a sense of humour failure.

Or else some of you really do think this sort of thing and that's why you could believe it of someone else?

If i said this to my friend she would laugh in my face and say nur nur ne nur nur, because she would know i wasn't in a million years wanting her or her baby to be unhappy! Guess it's easier to say this stuff when people know you than just in black and white.

Think calling me a bitch and a cunt is a bit out of order though so I'll leave you to talk amongst yourselves now. I've been wasting too much time on mumsnet as it is.

OP posts: