To want this mum to get her comeupance

[Tryingtobenice]

Ok so IABU and I don't really want there to be any impact as that would mean her baby is unhappy but...

WIBU to want to stamp my foot a bit and tantrum 'it's not fair!'?

I have ebf on demand, very much baby driven parenting, carrying her everywhere because she doesn't much like being put down (screams if you try). She is in a side of bed cot or our bed each night. I've done all I can to meet her needs so she doesn't scream the house down is happy and secure.

My friend has instilled a routine at 2 weeks, night weaned/ sleep trained from 8 weeks and has had her in her own room from 12 weeks.

The outcome just seems so unfair.

My baby is lovely, very alert and lively and is happy most of the time, but we still have to keep her entertained fairly labour intensively and she hasn't slept for more than 3 hours at a stretch in 5 months.

Friend's baby could be an advert for Gina Ford. Content, calm, sleeps through. She wakes up at 5am but "we just leave her to chat to herself until 7"!

If i left my DD for more than 10 mins we would be at defcon 1, full screaming, real tears, purple face.

2 different parents, 2 different babies, 2 different approaches and 2 different outcomes.

What if i listened to the wrong advice? What if I have 'made a rod for my own back'?

AIBU to even just a little bit hope that friend's DD is a really badly behaved, insecure nuisance as a todler?

Jeez OP you sound like a complete mummy martyr. No has made you parent the way you do, you have so suck it up. You sound bitchy and immature.
HTH

Oh, and a child isn't a project. You don't do things for the "outcomes". You do them because you think that they are the best things to do for the child.

If you aren't happy with that then change your approach and stop whining about someone else's choices.

Bitch is a bit harsh! But yes YABU to wish anything negative towards this other mother but you know that already..
Don't be so hard on yourself. Babies are not blank slates so your different approaches are not what have made your babies have different needs or temperaments. 5 months is still very young. Sounds like you've made very good choices to help make sure your child is healthy and secure.
Routines are usually more for the benefit of the parent in my opinion and not usually helpful to the child's developing needs. I know of some parents who will steadfastly stick to their 3-hourly routine feeds, and nil by mouth at night despite their baby possibly going through grow spurts/ patches of illness. Seems a bit militant to me and not really taking into consideration the child's needs. Don't get me wrong some routine is good. Bed at a certain time and up at a certain time but if they wake in the night they still need attention just slightly quieter and calmer than during the day.
You don't have to carry or entertain your baby 24-7. Try leaving her to play on her own. Walk out the room for a few seconds and then walk back in to show her you will return then go again. After a while she'll be fine and able to play independently.

Parenting styles are however rooted in the parents' personalities and how they see family life. Some households have well-established routines (and spreadsheets), some are really free-wheeling. Parenting choices will fit in to the ethos of the home (and probably be perpetuated down the generations as a mixture of nature and nurture), and whoo probably foster the behaviour in children that fits in.

Unless you know someone who is freakily weird or just plain abusive, it's none of you business.

And it's not a competition (no matter how much an unbroken night's sleep might seem like a covetable reward on a grim morning).

What a nasty little post. Aounds like you are resentful of your own child. If you want a routine (for which I would not blame you one bit, I was a Gina Ford Mother even though she was not around when mine were small) then establish one, back off a bit, leave your baby to entertain herself (they can you know for a while), but wishing a horrible outcome for your friend and her child is not very nice.

I suspect you will be the one with the needier child, and I hope so.

I am a routine freak. Mine have both been in routines from 6-8wo and have slept through from 4-5m (DD ebf to 12m, DS ebf to 2m then mix fed). They are 3 & 6 now and are perfectly lovely nice children so I've obviously done something right. However DD had terrible reflux and colic and screamed from 4 - 9pm for about the 1st 6m and threw up on me multiple times and hour. DS was a dream, but didn't/doesn't eat a bloody thing.

We all make our choices, and we all have our DC related-crosses to bear. If its not sleep, it'll be food, or behaviour etc etc. It's not a competition. For all you know your 'friend' is having her own nightmares.

If you spend your whole life thinking others have it better, you will miss out on all the good things you DO have.

Enjoy your lovely alert baby girl, they grow so quickly that though you think this stage will last for ever it really wont. The need to have a cot next to your bed will soon become a do not enter sign on her own bedroom door.

YABU.

You made your choices, and you picked methods which are generally more labour intensive, so I don't understand what you're complaining about?

Ok you know you are being unreasonable, but if I read your post right you are feeling that you took what you felt was the best approach and now it seems unfair that your baby isn't doing these things as 'well' as the other baby.

This is down to the baby and not so much the routine, I don't believe that you have made a rod for your own back any more than I believe that she has made her baby 'good' through these routines. It might play a small part once they are about 6 months and they start learning that their actions cause you to respond in a particular way, but I think its mostly down to the personality of the baby.

Don't beat yourself up over it, you are doing the best for your baby and she is doing the best for hers. Try not to get drawn into competitive parenting with her and if she is the competitive type then just smile and say "yes they are 2 completely different personalities aren't they!"

But have a cup of tea and be kind to yourself, its hard work being a mum. And don't be afraid to leave her somewhere safe for a minute while you get a drink/have a snack/go for a wee, you need to look after yourself too

Agree with squeakytoy, and yes YABVVU

You made your choice as to how to bring up your baby, and tbh the fact that she can't be left is entirely down to you. What on earth made you think carrying her everywhere would be a good idea, did you not stop to think that you would be making a rod for your own back. And then to wish bad things on to your friend and her child just beggars belief........

Yabu. What a nasty thing to wish on anyone let alone a friend.

Did you name change for this by any chance?

Honestly, don't compare and don't wish ill on others. But you know that. You are wondering if you have done the wrong thing by responding to your baby's needs. I'm afraid to say that's just your baby. If you had been trying to put her in a routine it doesn't sound like it would have worked (unless you were prepared to let her scream for hours). On the up side, this means you haven't done anything wrong, you've just parented your baby as best you can (as has your friend).

To the posters who call you a martyr - I think that's pretty unfair. Until you've had a baby who won't be put down and needs masses of attention/stimulation you don't know what it's like.

YABU to be angry at your friend, but YANBU to be worn down, upset and to use an online forum to vent.

Hopefully people can be a bit more supportive to you, in the same way that you need to be a bit more generous (or oblivious) to your friend.

I thought the OP was trying to have a wry laugh at herself...

YABVU
My first baby was like your friend's, he was EBF but never at night, he slept like an angel.

I'd hate to think anyone wished ill on me, maybe his AS is my comeuppance?

Don't worry I know how you feel, I had that friend too! Babies and kids routines change all the time so what works now might not when they are teething or poorly for example, everyone has their fair share of sleepless nights just not all at the same time :)

OP It is unlikely your 'decisions' and your friends 'decisions' made the slightest bit of difference. I know GF type mums who needed their routine and failed utterly to convince their DC of this. If the DC is happy with routine then routine is what you get. If they aren't then you can forget it.

Some babies really cannot entertain themselves AT ALL until they are much older. Don't listen to anyone telling you that if you leave them alone then they will work it out. You know it isn't true, you know what will actually happen is that they will scream till they are sick and be even more clingy the next day....

As for you friend, if her DC were happy to slip into routine there is no reason to suspect they will be more trouble when older. If they weren't and she just let them cry it out then there is certainly an increased risk they will be more insecure later on. Wishing behavioural problems on others is U but you know that...

The irony of your name has not passed me by.
Maybe you could ask your friend for some advice, instead of wishing for her comeuppance.

OP quite honestly you sound awful.
You sound like one of these mums that looks down on others choices. You thought YOU were the one making right parenting choices and that everyone would be envious of you.
Fact is there are no right choices. Its the right choices for that family.
To suggest someone should be punished because their baby is 'easier' is pretty shitty of you.

How would you like it if someone hoped you would be 'punished' for end, because they didn't manage to?

Btw, our kids are now 7 my ds is so tired most days he is a sleep after a couple of stories at about 7.30 doesn't wake up till the morn. Her little girl is up and down stairs most of the evening till about 9ish and wakes up really early! Xx

I think I parent in a similar way to you, OP. DS was ebf until 6 months, co-slept (or co-woke as would be more fitting, he didn't sleep longer than 3 hours until he was 9 months). I rarely put him down, he napped on me in the day until he was 10 months.
The difference, I suppose, is that I truly could not give a single toss how anyone else parents their child.
I enjoyed being my DS's Mum during those early months and I still do now he's older. He's happy, I'm happy. That's all that counts.