"There's nothing to eat in this house!" - DS17 complains

[flow4]

Apparently there is "nothing to eat" and I am "vindicktive" because I won't give DS(17) money for a kebab and I'm "leaving him with no T and in a foul mood". (The swearing and nasty verbal abuse he's given me are evidence of that ).

We have in our cupboards/freezer, right now: pasta (spaghetti, fusilli and macaroni), rice, bread, flour, cereal (tho no milk cos he drank it all), pizza bases, eggs, cheese, tins of beans and tomatoes, veg sausages, veg burgers, onions, courgettes, mushrooms, toms, apples, pears, tinned tuna and sardines... Not to mention the nuts, lentils, chickpeas, etc... And more...

Oh, and I did make tea - a veg/tofu stir-fry with rice - and saved him some although he wasn't home, which he has now eaten...

But he "wants to eat something that doesn't look like it comes out of a rabbit's arse" (i.e. veggie food=rabbit droppings)

He wanted a kebab, bacon, crisps, biscuits, a ready meal... Something junky, basically.

I didn't want to buy him a kebab partly because we have plenty of food in, partly because I think junk food is a waste of money, but largely because he was being rude.

I think he's being unreasonable, probably because he's hungry... But am I also BU not to buy him a kebab? And more generally, AIBU -

• to expect him to make himself something out of what we have in the cupboards?
• not to keep a constant supply of snacks/junk food in the house?
• to expect him to be polite when he asks me for money, even if he's hungry?

How are teens supposed to "fuck off and get their own food, exactly?".

It's hard enough in my city at the moment for working adults to feed themselves on the budget that they have.

Surely you run a household to suit everyone in it and not discount the wishes of those old enough to make their own decisions?

I agree with that, ds1 is finding it very hard to get work. He's had a few weeks through an agency labouring but they need a cscs card to do that and many construction sites won't take them at 17

Also if you tell your teenager to 'fuck off' you can't complain if he is rude to you!

I hate the double standards - if your DS were a vegetarian you wouldn't list all the foods in your kitchen and say 'and I cooked a lovely beef stir fry last night' and yet it seems perfectly OK the other way around. I can't see the difficulty in having some meat in the freezer- he is 17yrs old and perfectly capable of cooking his own meal.

"Also if you tell your teenager to 'fuck off' you can't complain if he is rude to you!"

^ Which is why I said that would be my response after someone verbally abused me and swore at me at one in the morning.

1 in the morning is no time to address the meat 'issue' but it is the time to be really firm at what behaviour you don't want directed at you.

perhaps when the OP wakes up today she can think about the other issues though I still think cheese on toast or the kid making an omelette is a perfectly acceptable alternative.

My response would be not to let them swear at me - whatever the time. I don't take it and I don't have to because I wouldn't do it to them.

Has OP even said that she won't have meat in the house? Just that there's plenty of food around (since her son's diet doesn't exclude anything that she's mentioned), that he's had a plate of stirfry to keep him going (which my very large male vegetarian OH would be happy with if there was enough of it) and that he could make something else with the ingredients in the house if he put ten minutes effort in. She just doesn't want to give him money for overpriced unhealthy shite in those circumstances. I don't know why you're all assuming it's some kind of militant moral crusade: personally I would be on OPs side if that was what she was doing, but since she has tins of fish around I suspect this isn't the case. The person who suggested letting her son roast a chicken every few days, do you seriously think he would make that much effort if he's raging at his mother because she suggests he spend ten minutes cooking a pan of sodding pasta?

While I dont agree with how he expressed his feelings I can see exactly where he is coming from.

The food you describe is simply not adequate for a 17 yr old man and at that age I started putting on a huge amount of muscle like most men do. If he does sport - even more so.

For you, the food you desscribe is adequate and a very healthy diet. You are a fully adult woman though and have stopped growing. However, he has reached the age where he suddenly needs mass quantities of high density protein. His body and your body are totally different. Its like comparing a small family car to a HGV.

People who are short of protein often eat salty snacks as a substitute 'junk' to stop the craving.

He clearly needs meat.

If i had spoken to my parents like that about food i would have been told to wind my neck in as a dinner has been provided that night, and if i want to have an outburst and demand a kebab then i would have been expected to pay for it myself. If i didn't have money to pay for my demands, tough! there is plenty in the cupboards to choose from instead!

There were times when i wanted a particular meal/snack etc so i went out and brought it myself....was this unfair? No, i don't think it was, in fact i didn't think twice about doing it. It was their house, their rules, they cooked and they paid the food bills.

He shouldn't have been so rude to you.

I would be declaring there was no food in the house though if that's what I had in my kitchen - I would mean that there was nothing to snack on, or quick and easy to produce out of thin air. I tend to want meat and carbs when I fancy something - a chicken or ham sandwich, or a bag of crisps or frozen pizza. I wouldn't fancy cooking a meal from scratch when I was peckish. I keep super noodles in the cubboard for when I just fancy something.

If he's anything like my DS1 (18) it's the fact that he would actually have to make something. We have beans in the cupboard and various other stuff that he can do on toast, or supernoodles, but when he wants something, he wants it; he doesn't want to have to make it. That's what I find so difficult. He's not rude about it, but he wants it now. He doesn't seem to realise that we're not a takeaway.

I would talk to him when it's not late at night and he's starving. DS1 is the same. Thin as a beanpole, but eats, and eats and eats. He would eat two dinners, one after the other. I always dish him up by far the biggest meal and he usually has another "snack" during the evening. His favourite atm is cheese and crackers. What about having that in the house?

I dispute the 'needing meat'. There are plenty of vegetarian/vegan teenagers who eat a balanced diet fulfilling their nutritional requirements. If he wants meat that's an entirely different matter.

Thank you everyone.

I do buy him meat that he can cook himself - bacon and sausages and ham. I have shown him how to cook a few 'proper' meat meals like chicken casserole, and offered to show him more, but he says he 'can't be bothered', and I'm not keen to push it, since I'm not fond of cooking meet and have been veggie since 1987! But vegetarianism is my choice, not his. He started eating meat when he started school dinners, and that's how he's had most of his meat since. He had meat for lunch at college yesterday too!

It was a hungry, tired rant. He hasn't had one for a while, but it was a bad one. He said and texted nasty things. There was no way I would give him money for a kebab after he'd called me a bitch.

I'm going to work now and not leaving him money for lunch, either. I know that's a bit petty, but I think he owes me an apology, and since I haven't had one, he can sort himself out today!

Protein does not equal meat, MoreBeta and others. You get protein from meat because that's your habit. There were burgers, sausages, eggs, cheese, beans and fish in the house.

The junk he wanted included biscuits and crisps, no protein.

Honestly though, the primary issue here is rudeness, not dietary choices. Maybe there's a discussion to be had about those but that's way down the list, after he recognises the need to be polite in any discussion.

In answer to the questions the OP actually posed, YANBU at all.

Was anyone else gasping at "DS17"?

His rudeness is definitely bang out of order and I'd be having a short, sharp talk with him about respect.

I have been through the teen years with 2 adult sons and currently have a 6ft 1 15y/o whose hobbies include hiking and climbing Munroes, (he's doing both this weekend) and I've never had this whole carry on around food that is talked about on here. Mine get their meals (mostly veggie) and that's it. If they are hungry between meals they eat fruit/yoghurt or they might make themselves a sandwich but they certainly don't appear at random intervals or in the middle of the night demanding fed and I don't keep a supply of anything for them to help themselves.

OP, I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that and I definitely wouldn't tolerate the swearing. Mine would have been told to get to bed and then had some kind of sanction applied.

So, YANBU but he is most definitely BU and rude and unpleasant besides.

MoreBeta if he is, as you describe, a man, then he should be old enough to a) keep a civil tongue in his head and b) rustle up his own meals.

As he is apparently unable to do either, then I wouldn't class him as a man, more of an insolent adolescent.

I think you sounds like a sensible mum - you cooked dinner and kept him some. If it wasn't enough he could have made something else as the cupboards are well stocked. Exactly where is the problem with that?

I think it is a good principle not to keep junk in the house, but allow him to buy junk should he so wish, with his own money. 17 is perfectly old enough to have a Saturday job. I'm sure most of us oldie ladies on here worked as teenagers to have some going out spending money. I certainly did.

Ariel as in 17th son? Now that would cause a food problem!

Flow4 you are right not to give him any money. His behaviour was rude and brattish. At 16 I had 2 part time jobs and bought my own trainers, make up, cigs, and junk food. He needs to get himself some money of his own for frivolous treats rather than demand you provide him with junk food and insulting you.

Having been a DS17 myself, I can say firstly yes he was rude and that kind of response of not getting a kebab is disproportional to say the least (a kebab as well, the lowest of the low when it comes to meat)

But I do think a Tofu stir fry is not exactly appetizing for a growing lad, that would not have even hit the sides, but he should get of his lazy bum and cook himself even if its only a sandwich, I taught myself to cook at about that age as my DM's cooking was not exactly tasty or filling

Not being a veggi I can understand the desire to lob a bit of bacon or some salami in the stir fry or supplement the freezer with a packet of beef burgers.

However, I'm assuming a 17y is at school/collage and can grab a bacon nutty or a chicken sannie for lunch.

He, therefore can perfectly well eat vegetarian food at home and YANBU.

He jolly well doesn't need a kebab!!

He was rude and should certainly apologise, but I can see his point!

Bacon butty,