Complicated Christmas - what's best for the kids?

[duke748]

I'm not going to say which party in this I am yet, do I can get some honest opinions on the best arrangement for Christmas without giving my 'side'.

Man has double life for 2 years and is found out in June of this year. He has a 15 month old DD with one woman (woman one) (who he lived with) and a 21 month old DS with another (woman two) (who thought he lived with his parents)

He now does live with his parents while he saves up for his own house.

The man and woman two are trying to give it another go and hope to live together next year. Obviously this is not a sure thing, as lots of issues to get over.

Relations between the man and woman one were very fractious but have settled down into frosty co-parenting. Things can and do erupt over relatively small things and all of the hurt comes out.

Woman one has banned the children from seeing each other or her DD seeing woman two. She is very hurt and thinks woman two must have known and sees her as the 'mistress'. Woman two denies this, as man's parents and boss both were in on whole thing and also lied.

Woman one has also fallen out with man's parents as they were involved in the lie. Both say that there is no way back from there.

Woman two would like the children to meet whilst they are still young so that it is not a big 'reveal' later on.

Current access arrangements are that man sees his DD every other weekend and one evening a week. He sees his DS te alternate weekend (with woman two) and also none, one or two day a week (again with woman two), depending on other plans. The DD and DS have not met.

It is the DDs weekend to see her Dad 22nd-23rd December, and the DSs weekend after. It is also the DSs birthday on New Years day.

Woman two and DD live 10 mins from man. Woman two and DS live 2 hours away from man. Woman one is originally from overseas and has strained relations with her family. Woman two has no family at all, no parents or siblings. As they are giving it a go, woman two is not keen on woman one and man spending time alone together.

So (and if you've got this far - well done!) - what do you think is the best arrangement for Christmas for the benefit of the children? Is it worth setting up a 'system' for each year now, or just deal with this year for now? Part of me thinks that they are too young to really understand it anyway, but not sure really.

And yes 'man' is a complete arse and should have realised the consequences of his actions long ago. But what is done is done and I'm most interested in finding out your opinion on what is best for the children. There has been so much hurt in the past, I just don't want it handed down to the next generation. But because I'm involved I'm worried I am not seeing things clearly.

Please have a Plan B in case he doesn't turn up for Christmas, which sadly strikes me as a distinct possibility.

I think neither child should see the sorry excuse for a Father. I think you are woman 2 and that you should run for the hills.

And, right now, his DD is none of your business to be frank!

I agree too, about the inlaws! If you won't steer clear of HIM then at least stay away from his parents. Also manipualtive liars! Sounds like woman one has her head screwed on!

He told oyu his nan was dying? He told you he had swine flu?

Only one piece of advice to offer and it's nothing to do with the kids, get rid of this man, it will end in more of your tears.

Walter - I'm not choosing the 'play happy familes' for my own sake - but for my sons. Please don't portray me as selfish when I know for a fact that everything I do, I do for my son. Do you really think I am with man who can treat me like that for fun? It's ALL about my son.

I'm just trying to figure out the best thing for my DS
And his DD. I've never said I want to punish him, put other wand nose out of joint or anything like that. I've repeated and repeated - its all about the children for me.

The best thing you can do for your DS is to model healthy, mutually respectful relationships. This is not it in the slightest.

Why do you think that the best thing is for your DS to grow up with this sorry excuse for a father as a role model. This will not end well.

You were obviously well and truly sucked in by this man. What excuse did he give for not living with you? You had a child together but lived seperate lives, it is bizarre in the extreme.

But duke you are doing your son NO favours. Do you love this man? Do you WANT to be with him or are you sacrificing your own happiness because of what you think is best for your son?

If it's the latter then you are very misguided, though your heart might be in the right place.

He will break your DS's heart. If only by breaking yours once again and DS having to witness that.

I think the man is clearly to blame in all this and so i think you two woman should unite without the man and allow your kids to have a sibling relationship. Might take time and energy considering the history so far. I don't think xmas is the time and place to start all this rolling though. Xmas itself can be a nightmare even with out any complexities. But maybe a gift from your child send in the post to the other child might be nice.

I repeat - although I think the children should meet - I will respect woman one's stance on that. So no 'treading on toes' there.

And, as I said, his DD is not your concern at the moment. Let her mother do the worrying about her. Sounds like she has it right!

And PLEASE don't interfere with his weekend of the 23rd. Stay well enough out of it, for all your sakes!

OP, the children are just babies. It won't achieve anything from either child's point of view by meeting now unless they are going to be seeing eachother very very regualarly which clearly will not be the case as yet.

wow just wow!!

Can't you see, this is such a spineless vile, nasty, selfish, utterly miserable thing to do that he WILL do something again that will hurt you very much.

Think of your child and get out now. What a poor role model he will make.

I cry inside at the thought of any woman ever being so lacking in self respect that they would settle for someone like this.

Nice people DO NOT behave like that, please love yourself a little.

Duke - what will you do when you find out about the existance of woman three??

The DD won't know or care that she doesn't see him on a "special" day this year, so let that go. He'll see her on his planned weekend, and that will be it. He might want to see her on Christmas, but it's not about him.

What you do at Christmas is your lookout. Though I would have a backup plan, as I would imagine the chances of him having another "emergency"/just not turning up/deciding to visit Woman 1 just down the round rather than go 2 hours to you are pretty high.

hmmmmmm hands on dad??????? who lives with his parents and has a gf who gets shitty about him spending any time with dc1 out of her presance.

what woman 1 wants goes, sorry but you cant go round ripping peoples lives apart,knocking up everyone then expecting it to be rosy a few months down the line.that sort of thing takes effort and trust.

I am never around when he is with his DD and I never said I planned to be. Not quite sure why you think I would?

Yes, I agree it's sad when the two female victims of one man's deception don't unite. But, she called my DS 'Damian', and my unborn child 'devil's
Spawn' (since had a miscarriage) and me every swear word under the sun. I will do no more than maintain civil relations with her now, for the children's sake.

Make it all about your child and find a decent human being to share your life. A GOOD role model.

(added for good measure as you most probably won't read the post ^^ that is a little unfavourable towards this 'man').

You make me want to shake you to see sense - sorry but I'm so shocked. You poor misguided woman.

OP - I hear you, and your intentions to do the right thing for your DS are laudable.

You were waiting to see what the consensus will be on this thread.... well I think you have it!

This man is not worth your efforts and good intentions, and it's probably better for your DS if you let go of him (the man).

IMO the best thing you can do for your DS, as other have said, is to find yourself a good man.

You are doing this for your son?

Well thats nice. Atleast he will know who to blame when he spends years in therapy and cant hold down a proper relationship because of his abanadonment issues.

Dramatic? No. My MIL stayed with a lying philanderer for years "for the children" and then allowed him to flit in and out of her childrens lives when it suited him. She allowed my H to be used as his fathers confidante regarding his affairs during his second marriage, when he was only a teenager. And didnt tell him that FIL was ill until that last minute, just before he died, "incase it upset him".

My H is now so fucked up that he literally cannot have a successful relationship, because he has a defence mechanism so that people cant hurt him like that. I sadly didnt find any of this out until after we married, and he started an affair within weeks.

Yes, I agree it's sad when the two female victims of one man's deception don't unite - Why on earth would you unite?? You are still with him. And yes, of course she has called you every name under the sun, in her mind you have turned her family upside down. How can you believe he lived with his parents for all that time - did you never go round there or think it was odd you didnt go round there. Whether you knew or not, she won't believe that you didn't.

When the love goggles come off you will see him clearly for the arsehole that he obviously is. I wouldnt trust this man if I lived 2 minutes away from him, let alone 2 hours.

Hello Sock! Can you read?

How many times do I have to repeat myself?

Woman one does not want the children to meet. I respect that.

I am never around when he is with his DD. I don't 'get shitty' when he spends time with his DD. I don't like the idea of him spending time with woman one, it hasn't occurred yet apart from drop offs/pick ups.

I understand the 'leave the bastard' comments, honestly I do. But the ones sending abuse my way??? I dont get it. I'm as much a victim in all this as woman two.

I am sure woman one only said those things in anger after the shock she's had. You know that right? Or is he trying to play you off against each other now?

As woman one I meant.