Complicated Christmas - what's best for the kids?

[duke748]

I'm not going to say which party in this I am yet, do I can get some honest opinions on the best arrangement for Christmas without giving my 'side'.

Man has double life for 2 years and is found out in June of this year. He has a 15 month old DD with one woman (woman one) (who he lived with) and a 21 month old DS with another (woman two) (who thought he lived with his parents)

He now does live with his parents while he saves up for his own house.

The man and woman two are trying to give it another go and hope to live together next year. Obviously this is not a sure thing, as lots of issues to get over.

Relations between the man and woman one were very fractious but have settled down into frosty co-parenting. Things can and do erupt over relatively small things and all of the hurt comes out.

Woman one has banned the children from seeing each other or her DD seeing woman two. She is very hurt and thinks woman two must have known and sees her as the 'mistress'. Woman two denies this, as man's parents and boss both were in on whole thing and also lied.

Woman one has also fallen out with man's parents as they were involved in the lie. Both say that there is no way back from there.

Woman two would like the children to meet whilst they are still young so that it is not a big 'reveal' later on.

Current access arrangements are that man sees his DD every other weekend and one evening a week. He sees his DS te alternate weekend (with woman two) and also none, one or two day a week (again with woman two), depending on other plans. The DD and DS have not met.

It is the DDs weekend to see her Dad 22nd-23rd December, and the DSs weekend after. It is also the DSs birthday on New Years day.

Woman two and DD live 10 mins from man. Woman two and DS live 2 hours away from man. Woman one is originally from overseas and has strained relations with her family. Woman two has no family at all, no parents or siblings. As they are giving it a go, woman two is not keen on woman one and man spending time alone together.

So (and if you've got this far - well done!) - what do you think is the best arrangement for Christmas for the benefit of the children? Is it worth setting up a 'system' for each year now, or just deal with this year for now? Part of me thinks that they are too young to really understand it anyway, but not sure really.

And yes 'man' is a complete arse and should have realised the consequences of his actions long ago. But what is done is done and I'm most interested in finding out your opinion on what is best for the children. There has been so much hurt in the past, I just don't want it handed down to the next generation. But because I'm involved I'm worried I am not seeing things clearly.

No marriage, no. They dated for several years before we met but had been split for over a year before we got together
Erm.. your child is older than hers!
She has every right to be extremely pissed off, and her DD is nothing to do with you. Id leave her alone, and get on with your own life.

If you stay with him, he will only do it again. The only difference is that there might be more children to think about.

Seriously, once you have moved on from him you will be able to forge something with woman1 so that your two children can become siblings or at least friends.

And just because he is good with your child, doesnt mean that you need to stay in a relationship with him.

"I'm as much a victim in all this as woman one."

No, you are not.

You had a boyfriend who it turned out was two timing you.

She had a live in partner who allowed her to conceive and carry a child in the full knowledge that he had a secret child elsewhere.

She was obviously his preferred choice, and you were the one he hid away, didn't commit to in any way, and told ridiculous lies to so he could have his life with her. If you hadn't already had a baby, it's clear he would have dumped you for her.

Hence you don't want him spending any time alone with the mother of his young daughter.

If you really gave a shit about this little girl, you'd drop that stipulation.

As for the rest, this child (not your DD, so not sure why you keep calling her that) has nothing to do with you.

You needn't worry your head about "the children".

You have one child. Worry about him.

Someone needs to.

Once a twotiming cocklodger, always a twotiming cocklodger!

Well if your keeping it to your self no. But I'm betting her mother is doing what she feels is best for her DD.

So they weren't married or in a long term committed relationship...yet when your pregnant he gets back with her and moves in and gets her pregnant too!
He's only back with you because she kicked him out, can you not see this?
You must have really low self esteem to think you deserve such a prick of a man.

athing that's a bit harsh! The OP is clearly a victim too she had no idea about this woman and her child she isn't the one who created the situation that they are all now stuck with, forever.

Duke it made me have tears in my eye when you said he missed you due date by lieing about having swine flu, people don't change overnight and I hope your son doesn't grow up thinking he should treat women tge way the "man" has treated you.

Why would you want to spend Christmas with his parents who helped facilitate his lies?

And it is unreasonable that you don't want him to be around woman 1 that isn't fair.

I wouldn't want him around woman 1 either. But I don't think he should be around any woman including op. He is not worthy of any woman.

No marriage, no. They dated for several years before we met but had been split for over a year before we got together - No they weren't - your DC is older than hers!!

You don't want marriage anyway if the saying when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy is anything to go by. Mind you, marriage or not, i reckon the vacancy will be filled pretty soon if not already.

Get real OP. Your child is at an age where the only significant thing on Christmas day will be getting some new toys and maybe trying to pull the tree down. The other child won't even notice. Nor is it important that they meet this Christmas or any other time for a good few years - if ever.

Organise a nice Christmas for you and your son. Forget about this man, forget about the children meeting.

The only significance of your plans is your need to assert some control over what is, essentially, a bloody awful mess.

Get shot of this man for your own sake, and your son's sake. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll find someone who will love and respect you and your son. Then you can have a proper family Christmas you crave.

She is a victim too, but she had a child by a man she knew wasn't committed to her.

His betrayal of woman 1 is worse, IMO.

He conceived a child with her while keeping his other child and girlfriend a secret.

Ok Duke it can't be easy reading an overwhelming amount of people telling you that you should be doing the exact opposite of what you're doing.

You obviously want what's best for your ds. But this man didn't even bother to be there for the birth and was, in fact, shagging someone else. He did that to your DS. This man who is such a great father.

Now you are envisioning a family Christmas. With the bastard who cheated on you, and the awful, lying, manipulative people who would gladly fuck over a woman and her innocent child.

And you think this is what's right for your DS. :( for all of you.

As the daughter of a man who had many affairs the best Christmas's were the ones get wasn't around for. Playing happy families was not fun.

And he will be playing.

Seriously you deserve much better than this. And more importantly so does your DS.

How long ago did you all find out anyway?

Athinginyourlife and littlebairn - I hope you feel happy with yourselves that I am sat here in tears due to your comments.

You know nothing about the situation other than what i have said here and comments about how he preferred her over me are only meant to hurt me. Nothing like kicking a dog when it's down, is there?

duke I'm sorry your upset but it's not us that you should be upset with its this so called man who has created this situation. If you read my posts again I hope you will see that I was defending you.

OP, I feel very sorry for you, but I can't see any way in which these comments, harsh though you feel they are, are anything other than the bald truth.

If he had wanted to be with you, properly be with you and commit to you, he would have done so. What he wouldn't have done is keep you on the fringes of his life and have people lie to your face, while living, sleeping and sharing his life with another woman. What he wouldn't have done is wait until she dumped him before turning to you.

He is treating you as a stopgap and you are letting him. You say you are a victim in this - well, don't be. Be someone your DS will respect and look up to. Because his father certainly won't be - not when your DS grows up and finds out about women 3, 4, 5 and so on ad infinitum.

Oh and I love the discussions on who was the most hurt by it all. Lovely, lovely behaviour. Not only do you want me to believe I'm second best but my hurt when my life is ripped apart is someone worth less tha someone else's?

I was expecting 'leave the bastard' and I'd say the same. But the rest - dispicable!

Oh Duke :(

Hope you get something sorted beneficial to your DS.

FWIW I would never be brave enough to start a thread on AIBU esp if I was feeling a bit tender at the time.

Athinginyourlife is SPOT ON.

Wipe your tears and smell the truth. ATHING did not create the situation. Your childs father did. And you.

I didn't commit to him. He wanted to live together (at the beginning) and I didn't want to. He asked repeatedly. I stupidly believed that I could do it all on my own ad thought that by keeping him at arms length I would save myself getting hurt again. Ho ho (hollow laugh)

And yes I am amazingly angry at him. Did you not read the bit where I said he was an arse? Somehow you think I have just rolled over and taken it. Not the truth at all.

Ah Duke i think you have had a hard time from some posters. Don't cry.

Am i right in recalling that you may have posted about your situation before?

Whilst the basis of your relationship is far from ideal, you are clearly not making excuses for your DP and the awful deception he put you and his Ex through.

As regards Christmas, I think you need to accept that this year the little girl should stay at home and your DP should see her on 23rd. The Mother is clearly very hurt and it must be very hard knowing that you and your DP are trying to make a go of things.

Let your DP take responsibilty for worrying about Christmas but try and encourage him to make the time he does spend with his DD before Christmas really special.

Good luck

I've read two pages, can't face anymore.

He is an utter WANKER and you are insane.