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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be shocked at my nieces' and nephews' diet?

196 replies

hornybill · 12/10/2012 07:09

I might even have to say something to SIL, but not sure, so I thought I'd see what you lot say first.

SIL and her DH have 4 dcs, 7, 5, 3 and 6 months. I love them all and see them regularly. SIL has a very different approach to parenting from me and DH's but whatever, none of my business.

But, the 3 older dcs eat nothing but junk. Crisps, biscuits, ice lollies and orange squash mainly. I used to tell myself that just because that's what they ate when I saw them didn't mean that's what they always eat, but I've now spent enough time with them that I know this is how they always eat. They never really eat meals as such, she just gives them snacks all day long, but not healthy snacks. I think she finds it hard to cope with 4 dcs (fair enough) but the way she has dealt with this is to give them something to eat every time they are bored. So now they ask for food all the time.

I often pick up the older 2 from school and their packed lunch is virtually untouched so they are hungry when they get home and immediately start on the crisps etc. I think they don't bother to eat the sandwich because they know they will get crisps and biscuits as soon as they get home.

I don't understand why SIL who is intelligent and lovely would feed her dcs like this? I'm all for being relaxed around food but this must be terrible for their health?

OP posts:

CaptainHetty · 14/10/2012 11:24

Why is all the blame being placed at your SIL's door? Your DH's brother is just as responsible as she is, yet only a few posters seem to have picked up on that fact.

Yes, the diet sounds crap. In her defence, though, I had my fourth child 13 days ago and my other three have eaten more frozen chicken nuggets/fish fingers and oven chips than I'd like because it's fecking difficult when you have one child that won't settle - perhaps gently offering some support rather than pointing out her faults and what she's doing wrong would be the way to go.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 14/10/2012 11:27

wordfactory OP, I htink it's easy to find yourself in SIL's situation. My own SIL is the same. The kids never wanted breakfast so would snack mid morning. Then they wouldn't want their lunch. Then they'd be out and about so she'd give them some sweeties to calm them...so no dinner. She didn#t mean it to happen but it gradually slid. And she didn't have the energy or will to know how to tackle it.

hornybill I don't totally agree - I mean, i can see how some people would do this but no matter how many dcs I had the rules in my house remain and that's the way we like it!

Its posts like that that make you come across so badly op. Word factory, i agree its easy to get into bad habits and hard to get out of it when you know its going to result in tantrums and you're exhausted. Most of the mums i know have got into bad habits at one stage or another.

Phineyj · 14/10/2012 11:30

My DS's SIL was/is like this. It was not a situation where my DS ever felt she could intervene or comment, other than feeding the kids healthy food at her own house. The youngest DN now has kidney problems from all the salt in the crisps.

If the school has reasonable catering the PILs could perhaps offer to pay for a year's school dinners for the older ones as a way of helping the family out (e.g. not make it about the food).

Phineyj · 14/10/2012 11:34

Also, just wanted to add if that if the OP really was as smug and judgemental as a few of you seem to think, she wouldn't be bothering to ask opinions on here and thoughtfully consider them, she'd have just come straight out with whatever strategy or comments came to mind to her SIL and probably caused that giant family row...and SIL would be on here with an 'AIBU to never speak to my SIL again?...'!

I think it's clear she is fond of her SIL and is trying to balance that with the need of the children.

ProphetOfDoom · 14/10/2012 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 14/10/2012 11:48

Mmm cadburys.

halcyondays · 14/10/2012 12:04

Captain Hetty, there is nothing wrong with fish fingers. But these children aren't having any kind of proper meal, they just snack on crisps and biscuits all the time.

Original poster

hornybill · 14/10/2012 13:48

Sorry it's taken a while to post again, had a busy couple of days.

I appreciate all the suggestions on this thread.

To answer a few questions - no, SIL is not overweight, she's very slim at the moment but has been overweight in the past. She doesn't eat healthily, but also doesn't eat much at all. She runs around after the dcs and they don't sit down for meals anyway.

I think she is probably a little intimidated that my dcs behave well. I've always liked to be organised - I wanted a big family but there's no way I could live in chaos and DH and I agree on the approach we take which is that the parents are in charge, the dcs are very important obviously but we are not going to put our life on hold and they must fit in with the needs of the whole family etc. I think SIL lacks confidence and is very unassertive withe everyone, including her own dcs, but she is an excellent parent in many ways and her dcs are secure and loved.

I spoke to DH yesterday about this. I told him I am concerned (we've talked about this before) and wonder if we should see what MIL think - he said for all we know she might have already spoken to SIL about it but he will ask next time he sees her. I think MIL will tell him honestly - she doesn't avoid issues if she knows it's serious. I think if she does talk to SIL then being specific but sensitive about concerns might help, e.g. too much salt and kidney problems.

OP posts:

maddening · 14/10/2012 13:54

I think your dh and mil need to speak to sil.

The thing is now that now the bad habits are engrained it is going to be a harder slog for sil to change it so she will need to be very committed.

Additionally it is worth asking the hv or GP about vitamin and mineral supplements - one of the dangers of v pure nutrition is damage to the central nervous system and bearing in mind this is developing children then it is important to address this asap.

Is there any reading that sil can look at re children's diets and nutrition so maybe she understands the importance.

Can she attend a cookery lesson with you?

Either way - it is probably best coming from her mum and brother and if you are there to support her if she decides to go ahead and sort this out.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 14/10/2012 14:02

What would actually happen to the central nervous system and the consequences maddening? I see that mentioned but don't that's all.

maddening · 14/10/2012 14:26

www.health24.com/dietnfood/You_are_what_you_eat/15-49-1283.asp

There are a few articles on here but am on phone so not able to find lots of links.

I believe the impact can be cognitive issues, problems with balance etc. And later in life you are more susceptible to dementia etc.

Particularly when the bran is developing it is important to get the right nutrition and whilst supplements are never as good as a healthy diet this is something that sil should consider while she addresses the diet.

CuriousMama · 14/10/2012 14:30

I agree with maddening.

Asinine · 14/10/2012 15:01

Has OP asked SIL if she worries about her dcs diet? How will she wean the baby? She must have some idea that babies shouldn't eat crisps and chocolate at six months.

I would bring the issue up directly, starting with saying something like, 'do you ever worry about their diet?'If she does then you can say you are worried too. Offer to help if she'd let you. If she gets annoyed and denies there's a problem at least you've tried and she will be confronted by the reality of their diet. It might shock her out of complacency.

FWIW you don't sound smug to me.

ProphetOfDoom · 14/10/2012 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

socharlotte · 15/10/2012 09:54

OP- just out of interest, how many Dc have you got and how old?

FrazzleDazzled · 15/10/2012 11:57

Op you do not sound smug, concerned yes but not smug. Good on you for looking after your family so well and for caring about your family members. Since when did caring make you a judgy pants anyway?

FrazzleDazzled · 15/10/2012 12:03

The thing that I noticed is up thread you mentioned the parents eat meals, even if it is pies, freezer stuff whatever. I also cook daily but have freezer bits too. The children's meal should always come first.

FrazzleDazzled · 15/10/2012 12:05

Didn't mean first as in eat before parents just meant they should be thought of first and meals provided for them as well. God can you tell I have been up all night with a teething baby!!

putonyourredshoes · 15/10/2012 12:55

OP there is some great practical advice on here so no point me repeating it all.

I really just wanted to post to say you sound lovely and not the least bit judgy to me, and your SIL/nieces and nephews are lucky to have you.

For those going on about how the SIL's DH is equally responsible: it's hardly up to the OP how they run their relationship, she's just reporting the situation for clarity and background.

Original poster

hornybill · 15/10/2012 13:03

socharlotte my 3 dcs are 8, 6 and 4 - why?

OP posts:

socharlotte · 15/10/2012 14:07

If you had you only had one 6m old baby, advice from youmight be received differently .As it is you have a similat number of children of similar ages

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