to be shocked at my nieces' and nephews' diet?

[hornybill]

I might even have to say something to SIL, but not sure, so I thought I'd see what you lot say first.

SIL and her DH have 4 dcs, 7, 5, 3 and 6 months. I love them all and see them regularly. SIL has a very different approach to parenting from me and DH's but whatever, none of my business.

But, the 3 older dcs eat nothing but junk. Crisps, biscuits, ice lollies and orange squash mainly. I used to tell myself that just because that's what they ate when I saw them didn't mean that's what they always eat, but I've now spent enough time with them that I know this is how they always eat. They never really eat meals as such, she just gives them snacks all day long, but not healthy snacks. I think she finds it hard to cope with 4 dcs (fair enough) but the way she has dealt with this is to give them something to eat every time they are bored. So now they ask for food all the time.

I often pick up the older 2 from school and their packed lunch is virtually untouched so they are hungry when they get home and immediately start on the crisps etc. I think they don't bother to eat the sandwich because they know they will get crisps and biscuits as soon as they get home.

I don't understand why SIL who is intelligent and lovely would feed her dcs like this? I'm all for being relaxed around food but this must be terrible for their health?

Op you're contradicting yourself. In your first post you say the kids are coming home hungry because they haven't eaten lunch - so in that case they're clearly not just filling up on snacks.

I don't agree with not feeding DC proper meals but having experienced my DN's eating habits I know how soul destroying a fussy eater can be. I also know from witnessing my dsis distress how upsetting it can be to be judged by people who don't have a clue

SIL and her DH have 4 dcs, 7, 5, 3 and 6 months. I love them all and see them regularly. SIL has a very different approach to parenting from me and DH's but whatever, none of my business.

They have a different parent approach and a different approach to how they feed their children, and you are right, no matter how much you disagree with it, it's none of your business.

Sara they were indeed hungry when I picked them up but as I said I think it's because they have got into the way of their mum giving them junk to keep them quiet, so they know they don't have to eat the proper food. Kids love crisps etc, I know that, but it's our responsibility to restrict the amount.

Fair enough freaker, I am prepared to hear it's none of my business, that's why I posted.

My nephew has a very crap diet. If he doesn't like what's on the table, either parent will jump up and get him whatever he does want. He has loads of snacks too and I've seen him eat ice lollies for breakfast. I don't think there's anything you can do, really. I mean, what would you say? "look, your dc eat junk all day long, they're bound to miss out on vital nutrients"? Anything you say or do will be taken by them as a judgement (or at least it would in my case)--I would put our two family's relationship above telling sil how it is. My nephew is very loved and cared for in every

Sorry pressed post too soon. Loved and cared for in every other way and anything I say about his eating isn't going to make a blind bit of difference to his parents as they are just going to keep doing what they're doing anyway.

OP It really does sound like these children do have a rotten diet but I really don't know what you can do about it.

The issue isn't life threatening and you've said you don't think your SIL has depression so you're left with the fact that she is not feeding them well but how can you address this without antagonising her? Criticising someone else's parenting choices is a minefield as anyone who reads MN will know! so unless you have such a super relationship with your SIL that she'll take your advice in good part I really can't see want you can do to help?

I disagree. It's life threatening. Not immediately life threatening but they have a very good chance of suffering major heealth problems when they hit obesity and beyond.

Yes you're probably right. I'm just worried. They are not overweight at the moment but it just shows how it's not only overweight children who eat all the wrong things.

I do think MIL is worried too. DH gets a bit jealous as MIL gives SIL so much help whereas we got none. It doesn't bother me - I didn't/don't really need the help - but it does annoy me when MIL makes excuses for the SIL's dcs' behaviour. Just comments like "well your dcs are ok in restaurants". This did not happen by accident!

Aaargh. Puberty. But obesity is obv what I was thinking

Shriiieeeek, agree it is both parents responsibility and it needs both of them to agree an approach and stick to it. However practically, it is SIL who will do the majority of the work, simply because she is physically there during the week for mealtimes. I'm assuming she is a SAHM with a 6 month old, so she has the time in the day to meal plan, shop and cook.

Assuming that she is coping and doesn't have PND it isn't that hard to at least get baked beans on toast and a banana and yoghurt on the table. It may be sheer numbers of children and keeping them in order that is the issue. I have three children five and under and mealtimes can be hard work at times.

Yes, that's what I mean. A bowl of weetabix for lunch would be as easy as a bag of crisps and slightly healthier. Beans on toast would be harder than a bar of chocolatw I admit (tho 7 and 5yo could help) but hardly too taxing and a million times better. Neither parent has to cook as such to hugely improve the diet.

What do the grown ups eat, op?

Sara I would assume that the childrens' school wouldn't allow their packed lunch to be made up of what the op describes as their diet at home.

Op sil sounds like she needs help. She's clearly struggling. I don't know what to suggest as of course you don't want her to be upset if she thinks she's being judged but if that is a true to life description of the way she feeds her children then something must be done for the sake of the childrens' health. Imo the welfare of children is everyone's business. You just need to find the right way to approach it.

Horneybill, I get that from my MIL, we have three children aged five and under. SIL, my DH sister has one aged 4. Ours are always so well behaved (according to my MIL, I don't think so, its not a not so stealth boatst) and sleep really well.

Yes, its not an accident and it is still bloody hard work. My DH does get annoyed about it, especially went they want to visit us and bring our DN, to give his sister a break. WTF???? Oh and he doesn't sleep and wakes the adults up shouting for this mother at 2am. AAAAGGGGHHHH

Yes SIL is a SAHM. She has never been into cooking which is fair enough, and I do think she probably used to do beans and toast and fish fingers for them but they've got into this viscious circle where she feeds them to keep them quiet then they don't eat meals so she has given up on meals. We went to visit them yesterday and there was cake first (fine) then the dcs asked for ice cream, then crisps. I said no to my dcs at this point as we were having dinner soon - it was about 5.30pm when we left and her dcs were going in the cupboards for more junk.

SIL and her DH eat things like ready made pies with chips, but the dcs don't even get that.

I think she just gives them what they want when they ask, and has given up feeding them all at the same time.

blueberry I guess the MILs are trying to be fair. Annoying though!

I think they do get crisps and biscuits in their school lunch.

Personally I wouldn't buy all the crap and the dcs would soon have to eat 'real' food. I only have 2 dss though but they prefer home cooked food. I can imagine it's hard for her to cook at the moment but there are ways of giving them meals without too much hard work. Maybe they do eat dinner though?

Well I disagree with most then (assuming things are as they seem - as you say yourself, do you just see them on "party" days, is this ongoing or a few months while the parents get themselves together?) If this is it, I think it's neglect.

Very difficult situation for you hornybill, you sound concerned and caring, not particularly judgey. If their children are never getting a proper meal then yes you are absolutely right to be worried. I agree with the people who say it is bordering on neglect. Is food a subject that you just skirt around with your inlaws?

My nieces and nephew have unfettered access to all sorts of rubbish snacks, which they eat all day. Strange because my brother and his wife are actually borderline health nuts but decided early on not to make food a battle ground. I wouldn't supply unlimited cereal and biscuits myself but some people seem to think it's a pleasure of childhood.

Agree with Shriiieek and Mintyy, not sure what you can do about it though, which I know isn't very helpful.

Well my answer would be you do what needs to be done when a child is being neglected...sure that wonr make me popular on mn. I also don't know that I would actually do it - which I am aware makes me a hypocrite

I have no idea how your SIL would take this but could you buy them a cheap slow cooker? Say you've bought yourself one and they were such a fantastic deal you picked one up for them as well? Then loudly enthuse about how easy it is to bung in some cheap meat, veggies and gravy first thing and then voila a stew at teatime.

I think serving up bread, ham, cucumber, grapes and tomatoes to children who are not used to a healthy diet was a bit ambitious. I'm not surprised they didn't eat it.

I would have started with jam sandwiches then offered bananas and apples. As they got used to eating this then I would introduce more fruit ,veg, pasta etc but at a pace that they could cope with.

Ds can be fussy and its a method I use which works.

I'm with shriiieeek.