to be shocked at my nieces' and nephews' diet?

[hornybill]

I might even have to say something to SIL, but not sure, so I thought I'd see what you lot say first.

SIL and her DH have 4 dcs, 7, 5, 3 and 6 months. I love them all and see them regularly. SIL has a very different approach to parenting from me and DH's but whatever, none of my business.

But, the 3 older dcs eat nothing but junk. Crisps, biscuits, ice lollies and orange squash mainly. I used to tell myself that just because that's what they ate when I saw them didn't mean that's what they always eat, but I've now spent enough time with them that I know this is how they always eat. They never really eat meals as such, she just gives them snacks all day long, but not healthy snacks. I think she finds it hard to cope with 4 dcs (fair enough) but the way she has dealt with this is to give them something to eat every time they are bored. So now they ask for food all the time.

I often pick up the older 2 from school and their packed lunch is virtually untouched so they are hungry when they get home and immediately start on the crisps etc. I think they don't bother to eat the sandwich because they know they will get crisps and biscuits as soon as they get home.

I don't understand why SIL who is intelligent and lovely would feed her dcs like this? I'm all for being relaxed around food but this must be terrible for their health?

Mine eat healthy meals, and usually eat a good sized portion but still eat crisps, biscuits, cake, sweets in between or for pud, as well as fruit and more "healthy" things. They are both very active though - DD1 does running club at school and obviously PE then ballet, tap, Irish dancing & swimming out of school. DD2 is only 3 but does swimming, ballet & tap. I think they need the calories as they are both skinny - DD2 is off the scale for height and only 30th centile for weight. DD1 is doing well at school, they both concentrate well, behave well (most of the time anyway!) sleep well and their teeth are fine, so I think their diet is ok.

As kids get older their tastes change so I think it's normal for them to like sweet things when they are little and doesn't necessarily set you up for a life of obesity. I don't let them have unlimited unhealthy snacks but I don't believe in making some foods forbidden fruit. I remember sweet things became less important as I got older and only starting to like some things like mushrooms & olives when I got to 11, and some other things like blue cheese much later.

I think things like teaching them to cook and where food comes from is important though. And being relaxed around food and eating yourself, not making negative comments about weight and stuff.

OP you say your PIL are "foodies". What is a foodie to you? Another poster pointed out that I was probably joking when I said I'd be disappointed in your dh's offering of bread, ham, cucumber and tomato, that was nice of her but only half right. I merely tolerate those things. I'would eat it if I was hungry but if you asked me for anything other than polite thanks you'd be out of luck - and I'm an adult; they're children and children are notoriously resistant to change.

Im fussy about bread l loathe the taste of cucumbers and their sogginess in sandwiches and cherry tomatoes are sour water bullets as are most commercially-grown fruit and veg.

Someone talked about it not taking long to knock up a sandwich. It doesn't but before we get smug, can she specify what's in it? Many suggestions here are high in salt, fat and preservatives as well as being things not everyone likes. . Nutrition is important but it doesn't rule my life but I do ask for things to be palatable and in sensible combinations otherwise I'd reach for the crisps over raw carrot sticks every day.

I don't think their diet, as briefly described by you, sounds great, but this sounds like matter of taste and lifestyle and it sounds like you don't approve of your SIL's. that's why I and some other posters find it difficult to warm to you.

What have you done so far OP?

everlong, I have called the OP smug and have specified a couple of quotes that led me to say that. But I have also said I think the children are being seriously neglected by both their parents and the OP should make sure something is done.

Problem is that such a huge change in diet will be resisted by the DC. That resistance will be all SIL needs to make her give up. It will take a persistent approach to change DC attitude to food. My DC have always been fussy. At about age 15? they started to be less fussy but tbh before then I could easily have given up.

15 yrs of serving meals to a chorus of I don't like that. (and no I not shit cook ) is soul destroying.

Last DD is better but mainly because I no longer pander. I serve meals she says she doesn't like and that is that. If I only served meals she agreed to, we'd eat a varied diet of ...2 meals! She now eats lots of veg and salads.

First 2 DC I did try and provide meals they liked and as a consequence our options shrank and became more reliant on processed stuff. Reversing that was hard work.

LaQ gives good advice for feeding DC easily but I'm not sure anything you say can make a difference to SiL tbh. She probably already feels inadequate. Anything adding to that will be rejected.

There is an 'am' missing in there. I don't cook shit

Yanbu.
I think it's lovely you care so much about your family and agree that a way to tackle this is something that you really need to think about. As other posters have tried to point out the diet could be having far more affect than she realizes. Poor diet has been linked to health problems as well as behavioral problems lack of concentration, poor sleeping which them leads to tiredness and that exacerbates things too.

Unfortunately I have nothing more to suggest thats not already been posted. But ur B &SIL need to shape up. The number of children is no excuse given that a spag Bol or jacket potatoes or chilli, stew, shepherds pie etc r just as easy to cook for ten people as it is to cook for two or three. And freezes bloody well too so
Nothing stopping her making up a big batch and freezing. Could u help maybe cooking up some things for her freezer? A soup maybe a blended one so they can't pick out the veg, some mince , I'm
Assuming both r capable of mashing potato. I'd probably drop off some " leftover lasagne/ chicken korma" too.

Agreed u doing it once or twice at your home don't make a huge difference given that a complete overhaul is needed at home.

How about doing healthier junk at yours? Making home made chicken nuggets/strips ( u could ad session seeds or fresh herbs to the crumbs) some chunky home made wedges tossed in olive oil salt and pepper and baked in the oven and some sweetcorn ( mix with leas of u can get away with it) and maybe a jelly with fruit in for pudding or something ?

Add sesame seeds that should say

I think SIL sees me as strict, she has made a few comments.

The next time she makes comments I feel you are well within your rights to answer back with a comment along the lines of " no, we just believe in good food habits". After-all if she can make comments in your parenting then you can too.

But ONLY if she says it first so you can not be accused of being mean and picking on her

I think you are getting a hard time, if a close family member can't be concerned for children who are not been fed a decent diet, then who should be? My DS would live off crisps and biscuits if he was allowed, but he's not because children need a balanced diet. There's allowing a bit more junk than average and only feeding your DCs junk.

really, these children might be happy to eat just crap foods, but when they are adults they are going to be suffering the consequences of their parents' choices. That's not fair.

OP - is your SIL overweight? You might be finding it harder to talk to her about the DCs diet if she is obviously not eating well herself.

I think the idea of your DH talking to his mum about it and seeing as a family you can help support them to improve. Something needs to be done, if you end up offending your SIL, that's better IMO than letting the DNs continue to be badly cared for.

The suggestions about taking a cooking class with sil, stocking her freezer, pointing out healthy snacks available from the supermarket - sorry but I don't think these will work. Sil surely could have worked out all this herself, she knows healthy food exists. It sounds like she has just given up trying to influence her kids' diets. And

And I think hints will just come across as insulting, snide, and easy to ignore. I think if you want to do anything, it will have to be a serious, full-on confrontation - an intervention. Because the problem IS serious. But you have to decide if your family can survive the potential fall-out.

Do you think she feels inferior to you because of your well-behaved DCs and their great eating?
Could you subtly try to make her feel better by pointing to the things you don't succeed at and reminding her of her successes so that she would be more receptive to your help with getting her DCs into better eating habits?
IME people get unbelievably defensive about how they feed their DCs - once I thought I was going to be linched for offering to provide fruit instead of biscuits for snacks at a toddler group! I naively thought that they'd think I was fanatical about healthy-eating/PFB but humour me by going along with my plan as I obviously felt strongly about it. Instead, some of them were deeply offended by my implied criticism. So tread very very carefully.
It really is a very tricky problem because you risk causing a massive family upset - as one poster pointed out, the DCs' diet is very important, but a good relationship with you and your family is also very important and you risk putting that in jeopardy if your SIL feels criticised.

I would talk to your sister from a budgeting angle. I have 5dcs of the same age as her (they are 8,5,3,2 and 7 months) and even if i wanted to couldnt feed them ready made or junk food all the time it would cost a fortune.
My food budget is £80 a week and so i have to hand make everything so if we want cake then normally o have to make it. It does however have the side effect that everytign we eat is pretty healthy - its cheaper to make one large pie than buy 7 chip shop pies...
I dont buy crisps because one multipack is just a bag each which isnt cost effective at all.

oh and you are right - she should be making more effort - if you have a large family it is more work so if she is a SAHM she needs to buck up a bit.

This isn't in any way a complete solution, but a small suggestion to improve things a little.

When you go to theirs to child mind, or the children come to yours, get them to help prepare the food. For example, pitta pizzas (or pizza bases) where ey can add tomato sauce, cheese, ham, olives, red peppers, pineapple, sweetcorn, etc.

They then get to eat their own creation.

Maybe, if they enjoy it, they will pester their mum to do the same.

Fruit skewers and "healthy baking" like flapjacks with lots of dried fruit in are another couple of ideas.

Smaltzing, the SIL's mother is the OP's MIL. It's her DH's sister! So the idea of her DH discussing it with the MIL may be helpful.

Tough one... it's painful to watch children you love being ill-treated whether through diet or whatever, and to know what to do.

Personally I feel that lecture-type comments won't work and that as an outsider, you can offer "crumbs" so to speak by letting the children experience a different way when at your house. I'm not sure you can do more than this. The diets sound inadequate and you are concerned but ultimately it is not classified as abuse so there is no call for intervention.

I think the suggestions of cookery books etc are pointless. She doesn't need to know how to cook to make simple foods. Fish fingers would be fine or ready made pies etc. That would be so much better than crisps all the time which as far as Im aware have absolutely no nutritional value. Suggesting she makes stews and things is unrealistic.

Two packets of crisps before lunch etc is not good. It sounds like as you say op, that she can't say no to the children. My mum was a bit like that, not relating to food, but always wanted to make sure everyone was happy. It meant that my older siblings in particular grew up without the boundaries that they needed. It also affected things such as her not wanting to tell us that we had reached that stage where it was time to start wearing antiperspirant so we got bullied for being smelly at school. And didn't want to tell my brother that he needed to actually brush his teeth so he had yellow teeth and ended up losing quite a lot of them. Things like that.

In my mums case it was due i think to very low confidence, low self esteem and a complete lack of assertiveness in every area of her life. She was also the sort to always take the easy option and if something was a bit challenging or tricky she just wouldn't do it.

I can well understand you being concerned as it does sound extreme. You've had some bad reactions on here and i think that is in part due to you yourself having very strict rules in your own home and so that makes you come across as sort of superior when you mention it. Personally i don't do the no you can't eat this until you've eaten that thing because the hospital, the experts, told me not to. I had an underweight child who had issues with food due to associating eating with pain. They said that food should never been given as a reward or withheld as a punishment for not eating their veg or any other reason, because it encourages a bad relationship with food. Healthy foods shouldn't be taught as something you have to get through to get to the nice stuff. Also if i child learns that chocolate for eg is a reward then you are potentially setting them up for a life time of eating to reward themselves - comfort eating.

So what i am trying to say is that it sounds as though the children have a terrible diet but i don't agree with your ways of doing things either. None of us are perfect, so i believe you are making your own errors there.

I would talk to your mil and fil and express your concerns. The dad does also have a responsibility to make sure the kids eat well and can't get out of that responsibility by "being quiet". Obviously its tricky if he's at work but i am assuming he was at the bbq? He should have said something. In these times there is no room for passive dads who think parenting isn't their responsibility (my own dad was one of those).