to be shocked at my nieces' and nephews' diet?

[hornybill]

I might even have to say something to SIL, but not sure, so I thought I'd see what you lot say first.

SIL and her DH have 4 dcs, 7, 5, 3 and 6 months. I love them all and see them regularly. SIL has a very different approach to parenting from me and DH's but whatever, none of my business.

But, the 3 older dcs eat nothing but junk. Crisps, biscuits, ice lollies and orange squash mainly. I used to tell myself that just because that's what they ate when I saw them didn't mean that's what they always eat, but I've now spent enough time with them that I know this is how they always eat. They never really eat meals as such, she just gives them snacks all day long, but not healthy snacks. I think she finds it hard to cope with 4 dcs (fair enough) but the way she has dealt with this is to give them something to eat every time they are bored. So now they ask for food all the time.

I often pick up the older 2 from school and their packed lunch is virtually untouched so they are hungry when they get home and immediately start on the crisps etc. I think they don't bother to eat the sandwich because they know they will get crisps and biscuits as soon as they get home.

I don't understand why SIL who is intelligent and lovely would feed her dcs like this? I'm all for being relaxed around food but this must be terrible for their health?

But no she never asks what mine eat. The only comments I get are when her dcs run amok in restaurants, and she says we are lucky.

Not that it matters but in response to me justifying own decisions - I have 3 dcs, and would have liked more but DH put his foot down!

I expect she's fed up of cooking meals which they don't touch, which then end up in the bin so it has ended up like this.

It's true - some kids are extremely fussy and will try to eat crap all the time.

If I were her I would completely stop their access to these foods by not buying them but there is no easy answer and as you say 4 kids is very hard work anyway. There isn't really anything you can say about it.

Mind your own business and stop being so sanctimonious. This is not neglect!!

Not neglect, really? So its ok because its likely to lead to ill health in a decade, not now?

YANBU

This is neglect. It's disgusting quite frankly.

Neglect would be not ensuring your children have access to any food, don't have any beds etc.

This is not neglect - it is from where I sit that the SIL doesn't like confrontations so she lets the children eat junk food instead of battling with them to eat healthier food. A different thing altogether than neglect.

Dahlen their marriage is good. Traditional, for want of a better word. BIL is very quiet and goes with the flow. He does whatever SIL wants. I don't think he would take it badly if I spoke to him, but I also don't think he would want to rock the boat with his wife.

I don't agree. IMO neglect is failure to prevent harm.

This is neglect albeit benign neglect but it is tricky to know what to do without being in control of the childrens diets full time or roping your MIL in to help (depending on how good their relationship is - her mother would be a better bet).

I would try Goldmanders suggestions to start with.

You don;t have to be able to cook to give your children a diet which isn;t totally deficient in vitamins and protein (from the sound of it) - even tuna sandwiches with fruit and yoghurt everyday would be an easy and healthier solution. Forget all suggestions of encouraging her to cook - it isn't going to happen.

It's obviously not great for the kids but really I would stay out of it.
Your SIL is in your own words intelligent,so it's not as though she doesn't know it's a bad diet.Any interfernce isn't going to go down well.

well he rock the boat with his wife, or he can continue to allow her to hugely increase the risks of malnutrition, obesity, dental decay, diabetes in his children and stroke, heart disease, joint problems in the adults they become.

There are different levels of neglect - but I personally think it is neglectful to allow your kids to eat crap all day.

If she doesn't seem to want help, or ask for it, then I agree I would probably stay out of it too to a certain extent. Continue to help in other ways as you are doing and don't pander to the kids' demands in your own home, but I'm not really sure what else you can do if you don't have the kind of relationship where you can be direct.

Wibblywobbler - I don't cook at all either.

But I still manage to give my kids healthy food (and dh cooks for them - great cook). I make them 'picnics' of cheese, ham, wholemeal bread, cucumber or we go out to eat and I make sure they have baked potatos/omelettes/chicken breasts rather than burger and chips well not all the time anyway.

It is possible to be a domestic slattern and a lazy arse but also feed your kids healthy stuff so I totally know what you mean.

OP - despite what you've said, I struggle to believe you really know what these kids really eat over a week. So on that basis alone YABU.

The thing is MIL brought her dcs up on a wonderful diet, really quiet unusual for the 70's - organic chicken etc. For all I know she might have already said something.

quite not quiet

Neglect is not properly looking after or supporting your children. This may not be an extreme enough case to involve police/SS but that doesn't mean it isn't neglect.

I also think that whilst of course your SIL is responsible for their diet whilst BIL is at work, they should be parenting the children together, and this problem lies with him too.

So, have they always eaten only junk food since they were babies?

YANBU. I know having four children means a lot of work, but that is no excuse for not feeding them properly. When I was growing up in Ireland it was not unusual for families to have 5,6 or even more children but parents still managed to get some kind of a dinner on the table. Fish fingers and baked potatoes or cheese on toast or soup and bread rolls do not need much time or attention to make and would be a lot more nourishing than crisps and chocolate.

Last time we went for a picnic I helped SIL to make cheese and ham sandwiches, cut up fruit etc. When it was time to eat I asked each child ham or cheese, they chose, then one by one they said "I don't like this" and within seconds SIL replied "ok well there's biscuits in the bag". I always seem like the wicked witch because I tell my dcs they can have a biscuit once they've eaten their sandwich and a piece of fruit. Which they do, because they know I mean it. I think SIL sees me as strict, she has made a few comments.

As babies they were all breastfed and weaned on purees then when the slightest fussiness kicked in (around 12-15 months) she sort of gave up instead of riding it out. I remember looking after her dd1 when she was about 13 months and I was in the process of feeding her mushed up spag bol when SIL arrived to collect her. DN was fussing a bit so I just took the food away and though I would try in a few minutes. Meanwhile SIL came in and decided DN needed a bit of toast instead as she didn't like what I'd made. I found it quite annoying as my dcs who were small at the time used to witness all this and wonder why they didn't get away with the same.

well next time you meet up and get into that sort of conversation, can you not say smething like "Do you not worry that their diet is so bad?"

You can start by modelling / expecting the sort of behaviour you'd like her to adopt, for example "Don't worry, I'll give them lunch, just leave a couple of tins of baked beans on the counter, we'll have beans on toast"

"Yes, no problem, do you have any fish fingers?"

I think your DH is better placed than you are to talk to his mother about this. If his parents are foodies they'll understand the importance of good food as well as anyone. They have a responsibility to their grandchildren not to turn a blind eye...

Chictactoe - it's harsh to call the OP toxic - I do think she's concerned about the children. Obviously it can't be good for any person to live on crisps.