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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this man to leave my dd alone

249 replies

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 12:33

I have NC for this and I don't want to give to much detail in case I am recognised.

I have 3 dc. DD 1 is 10, DS is 7 and DD 2 is 5.

At school there is a dad who makes a beeline for my youngest dd every day. Incidents include:
Frequently picking her up and planting long kisses on her lips.
Picking her up and kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it.
One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so.

He is the father of DD1s best friend so we know him to chat to. He doesn't approach either of my other dc in this way. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice?.

OP posts:
sosos · 11/10/2012 18:38

Yeah maybe this should stop as its bringing back memories for people x im so sorry for what youve been through @inneedofbrandy and as i said @sropiwanttogetoff.
op i really hope you are ok and your feeling better or have got some help. this must be a terrible situation to be in and hope you and your family are ok xxx

phantomnamechanger · 11/10/2012 19:09

To the posters who think that the description of what the man did is ok behaviour, if you are ever in a similar situation,or your children raise concerns whatsoever about another adult,please please do not dismiss your children.No matter who it is that they are talking about I agree 100%

with the benefit of hindsight I, as a 12 yo was victim of some inappropriate behaviour - a man at church would call all the girls his little darlings and give us big hugs and a sloppy peck on the cheek, call himself your favourite uncle x - he creeped me out - but everything he did (as far as I know)was in full view of everyone and he was relying on me/us not wanting to seem unfriendly/daft by objecting, after all, he was only being friendly right? now I am older I know why I felt ill at ease back then. Given the chance I am sure he would have abused

no way would I allow the behaviour in the OP to happen, even from an uncle TBH, innocent & naive he may be, but as a dad himself he ought to KNOW about appriopriate behaviour and such like, especially with a CRB

Stopiwanttogetoffpls · 11/10/2012 19:56

This is the reason why i don't post but like i said felt compelled to in this instance. It's sad how things get out of hand and feelings get hurt, when we're just trying to help each other out. Maybe i've got the wrong end of the stick with AIBU as i've not been on here long.
I haven't mentioned seeking counselling in any of my posts, therefore don't need to seek further! My Dc's have no fear of men or women, neither do i. However i do know which boundaries are appropriate.
@Inneedofbrandy, i'm sincerely sorry too for what you have suffered and have no intention of starting an argument like you say. I do have concerns about your posts though, just re-read them pls. Like i said what happened happened and i was trying to use my experience to give an example(my bad clearly)- to show how things can be going on under your nose or that just because it's someone close doesn't mean they can't do something bad.
OP, i really hope that you have been able to get help from this thread and hope that it's helped you come to a decision that will benefit both you and your family xxx.

GrimAndHumourless · 11/10/2012 22:32

stopiwantto, I am so sorry for your experiences

Stopiwanttogetoffpls · 11/10/2012 22:48

Thank you Gorgeous(GrimAndHumourless), means alot!! Thanks

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 12/10/2012 20:58

Keep wondering how the OP has got on in the last day or two, hoping she has managed to tackle the situation with this man. Playing on my mind a lot .....

stopiwanttogetoffpls very brave of you to share in the hope it would help others. Maybe if it does help someone, it is a positive for you out of a horrendous situation.

olgaga · 12/10/2012 21:27

Yes, I hope she is ok.

stopiwanttogetoffpls thanks for sharing, not an easy thing to put into words, I know.

solidgoldbrass · 12/10/2012 21:56

The best advice is certainly 'Hey, Mr nonce Schoolfrienddad, we are teaching DD about appropriate touch, so please get your clammy paws off her back off.' But it's also important to bear in mind that this man must, unquestionably, do what you asked in order for the problem to go away. If he ever does it again, that's when you need to have a word with the school and maybe the police. Sometimes people who do the big, brash, obvious 'Look at me, I just love children, I'm just a big kid myself, hahahah, I'm harmless' are harmless and perhaps a bit socially inept with adults (can't imagine some of the CBeebies presenters being much cop on a romantic dinner date or a political discussion, yet nor do I think their 'kiddishness' is evidence of anything harmful). Sometimes they are definitely hiding in plain sight. Just like Jimmy Savile, one of whose 'masks' was being kind of non-sexual and 'only joking'...

Stopiwanttogetoffpls · 13/10/2012 14:58

@SootyLovesSweep How are you getting on? Any progress?

Thank you to others for mentioning me in your posts Thanks

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 13/10/2012 15:30

Well this has caused some controversy. I'm really sorry to those that have had bad experiences that have been revived because of this thread. Thank you for being brave enough to advise me despite painful memories.

As I have already said I do think this man is a bit dim rather than dangerous. However My dd needs to know that there are boundaries other people must adhere to regarding her personal space.

We had the talk last week about who could touch her and what was acceptable behaviour from others. The next day we went to school as usual. On seeing the man in the playground she ran up to him and shouted "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH ME EVER" Grin a little embarrassing but I think the message was received loud and clear. I just said "oh we have been having the this is my body chat" . So hopefully he will stay away in future. Other dd insists she has no problem with him but she has had the same chat and I am being vigilant.

OP posts:
Mosman · 13/10/2012 15:40

Good for her. There shouldn't be any embarrassment on your part, he should be bloody mortified that this little girl knew immediately who that talk was aimed at and SHE took control. You should be proud of your daughter.

Stopiwanttogetoffpls · 13/10/2012 16:33

Don't be sorry!! If something good comes from sharing my experience then it wasn't in vain. I personally think abuse is still a taboo subject in many areas but found it very comforting to see how many pro-active Mums there are on here who wouldn't hesitate to say something if they thought anything untoward was going on regarding their Dc's. You've obviously got the right message across to your Dd now and fortunately everything has turned out okay. You shouldn't be embarrassed, just think about it as your Dc's welfare at state, which would be worse-embarrassment or welfare?
Out of the mouth of babes as they say, i wish i'd been there! Grin

Stopiwanttogetoffpls · 13/10/2012 16:34

Don't be sorry!! If something good comes from sharing my experience then it wasn't in vain. I personally think abuse is still a taboo subject in many areas but found it very comforting to see how many pro-active Mums there are on here who wouldn't hesitate to say something if they thought anything untoward was going on regarding their Dc's. You've obviously got the right message across to your Dd now and fortunately everything has turned out okay. You shouldn't be embarrassed, just think about it as your Dc's welfare at state, which would be worse-embarrassment or welfare?
Out of the mouth of babes as they say, i wish i'd been there! Grin

AgentZigzag · 13/10/2012 16:36

I've only been lurking, but just wanted to say your DD's ace OP Grin

Good luck.

piratecat · 13/10/2012 16:52

did you ever mention this particular man?

if not, and she went straight up to him, just proves she herself was uncomfortable with his touching.

ChangeyMcName · 13/10/2012 16:57

It's your daughter who should have been embarrassed of you. I can't believe your child had to take the lead on this situation - as a mother that was your job. Whether he's a paedo or a bit dim, you should have stopped the touching as you knew it was not ok - hence the OP.
you have taught your daughter the lesson that if she needs to be protected she can't rely in her primary caregiver, only on herself. She seems a little too young to learn that.
Good for her but she should not have been forced to take action herself.

changeforthebetter · 13/10/2012 17:18

OP kids oftenlaugh when embarrassed. This sort of discomfort is hard for you to deal with- as an adult! Imagine trying to cope with it at 5? In public, firm warning that his behaviour is inappropriate. No room for doubt. I would approach the child protection officer at the school.. Agree with PP you can phrase it as 'x happened and I feel unhappy about it. What do you think?' its neither hysterical nor accusatory.

snooter · 13/10/2012 17:47

Glad your daughter told him what for. I must say I think kissing on the lips very sexual - My husband & I only ever kiss each other on the lips - we never have kissed even our son or other close family members like that.

SomethingOnce · 13/10/2012 17:52

How can you know for sure whether he is ever alone with your DDs if you're not there?!

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 13/10/2012 17:53

changeforthebetter you clearly haven't read the whole thread. I have put up with some horrible comments on this thread but you are taking the piss. Fuck off with your nasty comments.

piratecatyes I had casually mentioned his name during our chat.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/10/2012 18:07

Seeker

I really don't think what you describe is what is happening here.

Inaflap · 13/10/2012 18:08

OP. i haven't read all of the thread but good on you and your lovely daughter. If you think that there is any possibility that this man might have access to children through say reading with them at school or helping on a trip then I would just mention your concerns to the child protection officer at the school. I would find this behaviour uncomfortable from any one apart from the childs father and the fact that he also makes crass remarks means that for him sexual ettiquette and boundries are blurred. We've all come across men like this and as you say, he's a bit of a throw back but it would not be great if he was to make other girls and other women worry just as he has you. As a child protection officer, I would want to know just so I could keep an eye out or check that this man was always accompanied. I would also want to know just in case that there was any hint or possibility (hopefully not) that he is not inappropriate towards his own daughter.

Wow. What a problem you've had. Hopefully, he's got the message but I would be inclined to see if he turns his attentions to another child. If he seems as over demonstrative again elsewhere then you have to say something more official. That child's parent may not be as strong as you.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/10/2012 18:10

Sorry, missed off the last page.

Hope he gets the message Op

thebody · 13/10/2012 18:19

Hi op, sounds like a horrid situation for you all. Think if you feel simwthing is not right then it's not right.

I read all your post but what worries me most is the lip kissing.

This is extremely intimate and inappropriate.

I would put a wall up between your dds and this man as I think he is grooming your dd.

Please can you visit tour local police station and just register his name as someone of concern, I promise you the police will check him out and if anything occurs in the future( obviously not with your dd but with someone else's) then you have put down in writing your concerns. They will be treated in confidence.

He should not put his hands down her tights.

Never ever let your dds sleep over there.

I speak as someone who was 'tickled in my pants' by the school taxi driver. We were not believed in the 70s and its only since contacting other old school friends I heard he was acting in appropriately with his own dds...

Act now.

youarewinning · 13/10/2012 19:01

sooty I have only just read this and think you have done the right thing and been very sensible and grounded in your responses.

I agree with seeker and everything she has said. He sounds too close but some people are just like this without being deliberatly innappropriate or a molester.

And this comes from someone who has also been sexually abused.