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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell this man to leave my dd alone

249 replies

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 12:33

I have NC for this and I don't want to give to much detail in case I am recognised.

I have 3 dc. DD 1 is 10, DS is 7 and DD 2 is 5.

At school there is a dad who makes a beeline for my youngest dd every day. Incidents include:
Frequently picking her up and planting long kisses on her lips.
Picking her up and kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it.
One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so.

He is the father of DD1s best friend so we know him to chat to. He doesn't approach either of my other dc in this way. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice?.

OP posts:
changeforthebetter · 13/10/2012 22:10

WTAF can't do the hmm face. Which part of my post are you objecting to????actually thought you were being given a rough ride by posters who seemed to blame you for what has happened. What theactual fuck did I say? Oh and I am a survivor of CSA so take this sort of thing seriously.

Tincletoes · 13/10/2012 22:14

Changeforthebetter I think the op got you confused with the post before yours which was unnecessarily rude but unfortunately was posted by someone with a v similar name.

waltermittymissus · 13/10/2012 22:15

I think she meant Changey!

Stopiwanttogetoffpls · 13/10/2012 22:19

I think she meant Changey too!

changeforthebetter · 13/10/2012 22:19

Ah did not read frankly twattycomment before mine. That was blocks. OP I think bringing your kids up to be assertive in the face of creeps is a marvellous gift and will stand her in good stead when she is older and you aren't there all the time

changeforthebetter · 13/10/2012 22:21

Stupid prim autocorrect that shouldbe bollocks not blocks!

DontmindifIdo · 13/10/2012 22:35

well, I think you've done the right thing, seems the talk has given her the feeling she has the right to put boundaries in place.

It will make it easier for you to call him on it again.

Also if you are feeling a little uncomfortable about him, then I wouldn't let your DD1 go there unless you are 100% certain he isn't there (eg. if you konw he's at work), but even then, i'd rather his DD came to you for playdates, just feels a little safer all round. No need to make a fuss, just play it as you doing the other mother a favour.

gabsid · 13/10/2012 22:50

I didn't read the whole threat, but if you feel uncomfortable and feel it is inappropriate you must say something.

People here think its completely inappropriate too. I also would inform the school. Do you know anyone else whose DC he has contact with? Maybe DC of a similar age as your daughter?

Some famous person springs to mind here, who seems to have gotten away with it for 40 years.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 13/10/2012 23:01

changeforthebetter I am certain that the OP has mistaken your name for changey in the post just above yours, as hers is much more likely to cause offence than your more measured post!! I'm sure Op will confirm this at some point!!

OP, a huge well done hug to your 5 year old, she sounds great!! Smile a future bolshey, feisty MNer in the making I hope!!

QuickQuickSloe · 13/10/2012 23:06

Just read the entire thread. Good on you OP for ensuring your little girl is now very clear about boundaries and able to say (loudly) what she doesn't like. I think you have done really well.

Can't quite believe the roasting you got on here Sad

DowntonTrout · 13/10/2012 23:22

When I was a pre teen / young teen I attended what was then called a charm school- a kind of modelling/finishing school. It was run by a older (60s ) married couple.

The man used to sit there calling us all to sit on his knee. This progressed to him putting his hand up my top or running his hands up and down my legs, up my skirt. It was all in plain sight and no one dared question it, we were all keen to please. I became his "favourite."

I suppose at the time there was some muttering about him being a dirty old man but he was in a position of power. He used to take me out for lunch and would sometimes be outside school waiting for me. He always tried to kiss me on the lips. He made my skin crawl.

One morning he rang me out of the blue and started rambling on, thanking me, for giving him a wet dream the night before. He said it hadn't happened to him for years and wanted to say thank you for making him feel like that. I was nearly sick. I was a few years older by then but even so, I felt really dirty, even though I knew I hadn't done anything, he made it sound like I had performed a sex act on him.

Even so, I never thought of it as abuse or that he was anything but a dirty old man. All this stuff with Jimmy Saville has brought it all to the fore though and I know there were rumours at the time about other, older girls, and the stuff that went on with them. It makes my skin crawl, and he's been dead almost 20 years.

I wanted to say this, because I've never really told anyone. Even my parents accepted the way he touched us. I don't know why, I think things were just different then

I would never allow anyone to touch my child in that manner and think you have done very well to equip your DD with the ability to say no, if she feels uncomfortable. I wish someone had given me the permission to do that.

pigletmania · 13/10/2012 23:40

Good on your dd Grin. Did you mention him in your talk to your dd. changy your post is red and unhelpful, and just seeks to cause upset

hedgehogpatronus · 13/10/2012 23:52

Well done you and your dd, OP. Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread (like to dodge potential bunfights lest I get sucked in) but I wanted to say or perhaps reiterate that you absolutely do not have to waste your time feeling guilty or embarrassed or uncomfortable about potentially upsetting this man. You are your child's advocate, you must do what you see fit to ensure she is safe and happy. Screw what anyone else thinks or feels.

That was a difficult lesson for me to get my head around, being a generally quite shy and people-pleasing person in the past. I now happily make no apologies for being 'bitchy' or 'overreacting' or 'precious', where my dcs are concerned. You've got one bloody life, and your kids come first. Fuck the haters!

All power to you OP. And your brilliant dd.

ravenAK · 14/10/2012 00:03

I think it sounds as if you handled this rather well actually OP.

The 'hiding in plain sight' thing relies on a gradual erosion of boundaries & I think that might be what happened here - you're a bit Hmm at the kiss on the lips, but you say nothing because, well, some people DO do stuff like that...& then the kissing up the leg seems almost too blatant not to be innocent but socially inept, so it becomes harder to object...you end up doubting your own judgment.

I think I'd be giving him a death stare any time he came near any of my dds & be very wary of dd1 going to his house, tbh.

It is entirely possible he is just a bit of a wally with no sinister intentions, but then so are lots of blokes with entitled attitudes to other people's bodies ('oh I only pinched her bum, I was just having a laugh'), & that does not make their behaviour OK. It needs to be challenged.

I think you're right to approach it by making it clear to your dds that it's Not On & they don't have to put up with it.

worldofmyown · 14/10/2012 00:08

Hi op and everyone. just read the entire thread. Firstly wanted to say im sorry to those who have suffered abuse and it was very brave of you to share in order to help someone but im sure i dont need to tell you that.
Op youve had a horrid time and your poor dd. but well done for what youve taught her and always remind her and also well done to her!!! Like others said if he behaves clearly inappropriate to your dd or if you notice him being "friendly" with another please dont hesitate to reporting to school child protection officer. ask them to keep it confidential that you had spoke to them. just say its a concern you have. its the right thing to do. i hope you are feeling better and a little bit of thr weight has lifted off your shoulders xxxx

nannyof3 · 14/10/2012 00:20

Weird!!!

iheartmycat · 14/10/2012 01:03

well done OP on dealing with the immediate issue ('over-friendly' - at best - family friend) AND giving your daughters clear ideas on personal boundaries, without being "all men are automatically bad".

And congratulations on raising such a confident little girl that she can tell a grown man who should know better EXACTLY what he should do :)

Zombieminx · 14/10/2012 02:30

OP it sounds like you have handled this brilliantly. Your DD sounds fab Grin.

Reading this thread (against the background of what happened to April Jones and also all the SoVile revelations) has made me think about how best to talk about this with my own DD.

In case anyone else finds it handy, here are some resources:

NSPCC guide to prevention of sexual abuse

a bloggers top 10 tips for teaching kids about Good Touch/Bad Touch

slideshow on good touch/bad touch with useful graphics

how and why to have the chat

happylass · 14/10/2012 09:03

Well done OP on the action you have taken so far. Please, please ask to speak to the Child Protection Officer at your DD's school and tell them what you've told us. They are required to act in complete confidence and are fully trained to handle situations like this. This man could be completely innocent but then again there could be something more sinister to it. You would be doing nothing wrong by simply passing on what you have witnessed and potentially protecting another child from harm. Take care

ChasedByBees · 14/10/2012 09:38

Fantastic OP, your daughter is great! Grin

SootyLovesSweep · 14/10/2012 11:40

Thank you everyone.

changeforthebetter I am so sorry, I did indeed mean to respond to the comment above yours. I am not normally so aggressive but That comment really annoyed me. Please have some Thanks

OP posts:
dysfunctionalme · 14/10/2012 12:13

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH ME EVER!

Love it. What a fantastic daughter you have. And well done for tackling it so well.

dysfunctionalme · 14/10/2012 12:15

Oh also, I agree that it is worth passing this information onto the school.

The reason I say this is that I had an issue with another child's father trying to pick my dd up from school. She was 5. He was creepy. I told the school she was not to leave with anyone other than me. and they told me that there were issues with him. So it may be helpful to them if you offer the information rather than withold.

OxfordBags · 14/10/2012 12:48

OP, it does sound like maybe your daughter has been feeling uncomfortable and your talk allowed her to tell this man exactly what she's felt too powerless to say out loud before. Which is good, but please make sure it's always you who sorts out these things, not necessarily relying on her telling you. Glad the chat worked and hope he gets the message loud and clear :)

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