Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this man to leave my dd alone

249 replies

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 12:33

I have NC for this and I don't want to give to much detail in case I am recognised.

I have 3 dc. DD 1 is 10, DS is 7 and DD 2 is 5.

At school there is a dad who makes a beeline for my youngest dd every day. Incidents include:
Frequently picking her up and planting long kisses on her lips.
Picking her up and kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it.
One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so.

He is the father of DD1s best friend so we know him to chat to. He doesn't approach either of my other dc in this way. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice?.

OP posts:
sugariceAndScary · 09/10/2012 13:00

Who cares if there's a massive upset!

He is acting in a way that makes a mothers skin crawl, just tell him you object to the way he treats your dd and to stop it immediately, bollocks to anyone else.

chipsandmushypeas · 09/10/2012 13:01
Biscuit
AnEerieAirOfHorror · 09/10/2012 13:01

Personaly i would say in a joky way "put her down people will get the wrong idea about you smooching her like that, you silly git" and shake my head and tut.

But be prepared to be questioned or take it seriously.

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 13:02

What would the police do. All of this is happening in front of me. I know he has a enhanced CRB so police probably wouldn't be interested (although I accept the crb isn't conclusive evidence he isn't a threat to children.

OP posts:
impty · 09/10/2012 13:02

Tell him to please not touch my daughter, and give him a hard look in the eye.

Two incidents caretaker at school covered his hands over dd1's eyes in a queue at the supermarket, when she was 5, I clearly told him to never touch her again. He avoided us both from then on.

A neighbour would walk his dog and make a beeline for dd's every time they played out. I would always watch. After a couple of times I went out and told them off, in front of him for talking to 'strange men'. Then asked him not to talk to them. He didn't go near them again.

Both times I felt uncomfortable, and instinct took over. If these men were harmless then I don't really care whether I hurt their feelings, they need to be aware of over stepping boundaries. If they were not, then my children didn't become abuse victims.

It's your job to protect them.

alienreflux · 09/10/2012 13:03

jesus christ!!?? i can (sort of) understand how in the moment you might wonder if you're over reacting.....YOU ARE NOT!!!
This bloke is seriously weird.
Putting his hands down her skirt??? kissing her legs??? ffs!!!!
Next time you see him, walk up and say, ' i know you're probably just being friendly, but the way you're interacting with my daughter is making me and her uncomfortable, please don't pick her up or kiss her again (or i'll cut your fucking balls off).

sparkle12mar08 · 09/10/2012 13:04

If this is genuine then the next time he gets within a foot of her you yell at the top of your voice "For the final time, leave my daughter alone!" I would also ring the police non emergency number for some advice right now, and I would ring them every time he goes any where near her. Assuming this is actually happening.

AnEerieAirOfHorror · 09/10/2012 13:05

Does he behave like this with his own children?

sugariceAndScary · 09/10/2012 13:05

It doesn't matter if he had the Queen telling you he's a good sort. She's your dd and he is touching her in an extremely suggestive way.

Tell him to stop it, don't do it jokingly, tell him with deadly seriousness.

shineonucrazydiamond · 09/10/2012 13:07

You don't need to make a big fuss. The next time he does it, gather up your courage, remove her and say in a steely but measured voice ' please don't do that ' and politely smile and walk off.

Can you not just avoid him?

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 13:10

Thanks for the Biscuit chips my first one. That makes me feel great given that I just wanted advice.

My dd has never indicated she feels uncomfortable it's just me. I actually think this man is just a bit dense and very old school. I wil be saying something next time he does it.

OP posts:
MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 09/10/2012 13:11

Why are you worried about upsetting him?

Shouldn't you be more concerned about your daughter?

I am just Shock that you would stand there and watch this happen over and over again

Even if it was perfectly innocent and he was just being nice Hmm then your daughter still deserves to have her privacy respected, would you like if a virtual stranger did the same to you?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/10/2012 13:11

Jesus Christ woman! He's molesting your DD right in front of you and you're letting him. Put a stop to it now. Ring the HT and ask to speak to them urgently on a child protection matter and tell the exactly what you've said here, so they are aware of his behaviour. Then meet your DD at school today and tell him in no uncertain terms not to touch or kiss your DD again because it's inappropriate. No more play dates at her friend's house - if the mother asks why, tell her - because how do you know she's always there? I mean she may pop out for ten minutes to get some milk, leaving him with your DD. Also have a chat with your DD about personal boundaries and inappropriate behaviour from adults. I'd also be tempted to report it to the local police, as he could be doing this, or worse, to other children.

Oh, and he's the one causing upset here, not you. Abusers rely on people - often women - not wanting to make a fuss and 'cause upset', so they can carry on as they are. It's time to stand up for your DD and yourself.

lollilou · 09/10/2012 13:11

I would tell him straight, make eye contact and say "Please don't touch her I don't like it" No need to involve Police.

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 13:12

Thank you shineoncrazydiamond. I do try to avoid but not always possible. I think I will take your approach.

OP posts:
Flojo1979 · 09/10/2012 13:12

I'm inclined to disagree with everyone.
Ok so kissing your DD on the lips is quite odd.
But I suspect as his DD and yours r best friends, he's clearly got over familiar with your DD and treating her like his own. I don't think he's a threat and u need police etc. But I do think u need to have a word but I would choose them carefully, if this was a female friend would u still feel it was wrong? I personally would think it odd the whole kissing on lips thing but as I was always there I wouldn't be overly concerned.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 09/10/2012 13:13

And what kind of message are you sending to your daughter that people touching her like this is ok?

If you are there and not doing anything then she will think there's nothing wrong, is that what you want to teach her?

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 13:15

Softkitty, it is my elder dd who goes to his house not the one he is inappropriate with. The mum is always there because he is at work at that time so elder dd is never in the house with him.

OP posts:
BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 09/10/2012 13:16

Just say hold on to DD when he makes a beeline for her....restrain DD and put a firm arm out to stop him and say "NO touching please. We're teaching DD about appropriate touch and you are muddying the waters."

And don't bloody let your older DD to his house EVEN IF HIS WIFE IS THERE!

Do you imagine weirdo's don't control their wives if they can control acquaintances like he has done you???

alienreflux · 09/10/2012 13:16

flojo are you mad? HE PUT HIS HANDS DOWN HER SKIRT AND KISSED HER LEGS FROM BOTTOM TO HALF WAY UP!!!!
sorry for shouting but how can you think this is normal??!!
And yes, if it was a female friend i would think it was strange.

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 09/10/2012 13:17

Again....do you think the presence of a woman wll stop an abuser?? He wont bloody do it in front of HER will he??

KellyMarieTunstall · 09/10/2012 13:17

This is taken from a statement by a Vetting company

{A CRB Disclosure should be viewed similarly as a motor car MOT in that it is only accurate at the time of issue and is issued in respect of only one employment. Therefore, a CRB Disclosure should not be viewed as a blanket licence to work with children (for example) because there may have been confidential information given to the employer which is not recorded on the individual?s own copy certificate.}

So just because a person has a certificate it is neither life long nor extensive permission to interact with all children in all settings.

Tell him to keep his hands off . But also teach her to stay away from people she is not comfortable with.She has a voice and can use it to bring attention to unwanted contact.

MaryZed · 09/10/2012 13:18

If you are teaching your daughters that this is normal behaviour for their friends' fathers, you had better be careful about letting them go to anyone's house Hmm

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 09/10/2012 13:18

ALL men today know not to do these things. By doing them in front of you, he is making it "ok"....which it is NOT. And teach DD that men who are not her Dad or Grandad are not allowed to kiss her on the lips!

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 13:18

Thank you Flojo1979
I agree with your opinion but I do need to deal with it because as another poster said he needs to respect my dd privacy.

OP posts: