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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this man to leave my dd alone

249 replies

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 12:33

I have NC for this and I don't want to give to much detail in case I am recognised.

I have 3 dc. DD 1 is 10, DS is 7 and DD 2 is 5.

At school there is a dad who makes a beeline for my youngest dd every day. Incidents include:
Frequently picking her up and planting long kisses on her lips.
Picking her up and kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it.
One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so.

He is the father of DD1s best friend so we know him to chat to. He doesn't approach either of my other dc in this way. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice?.

OP posts:
WilfredToadflax · 09/10/2012 14:27

Seeker, would you have let a father in the playground do this to your dd when she was 5?
Wouldn't it have made you just a little bit uncomfortable?

I can't work out if you genuinely think this is ok, or if you are playing devil's advocate.

Inneedofbrandy · 09/10/2012 14:27

OP is he from Britain? I know some cultures this would be normal and no one would bat an eyelid...

comedycentral · 09/10/2012 14:32

Stop enabling this man to do this to your child. Tell him to get the fuck off her. She's probably wondering why her Mummy doesn't defend her.

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:34

Tell him to get off your dd, this s inappropriate stop normalising it

seeker · 09/10/2012 14:36

He didn't put his hand down her tights. He didn't kiss her legs above the knee.

I don't know how I would feel- although I would not like the kissing on the lips.

But I don't like the "Burn Him!" response either!

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 14:36

Ok I'm back and calmer.
fenton I can't go into detail about why he has the enhanced crb because that would certainly out me. You are right though he should absolutely know his behaviour is inappropriate. It's very hard to put across on here what he is like. As I said earlier he is very old school. Very chauvinistic and I think a bit of a dirty old man (always comments on what I'm wearing, make-up ect. Has commented to dh about the "pretty young teachers" at school.

I agree with what seeker says. My dh is very comfortable around children and often chats to those he doesn't know. But he would know his boundaries and never kiss etc.
This man is just very odd and he does make me feel uncomfortable. I am very grateful to those who have pointed out the message I am giving my dd about her personal space. She is already a very friendly child who will talk to anyone. I do need to teach her about what is appropriate.

OP posts:
MaryZed · 09/10/2012 14:38

Good for you for coming back.

These things creep up on you and you sometimes don't realise just how ridiculous things have got until they have gone too far (though I must admit the lip-kissing made me think you were making it all up, as that screams "odd" to me, but that might be because I don't really do it).

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:39

Yes it was above the knee if you read the op, and he put his hand down the front of her skirt. Totally inappropriate, the op was there, he totally overstepped the mark.

mylovelymonster · 09/10/2012 14:45

Massively inappropriate. Mention it to school and politely tell him to leave your children alone.

boredandrestless · 09/10/2012 14:51

Just wanted to echo everyone else that this is completely inappropriate and you need to stop him in his tracks next time, and talk to your dds about tricky people, and what they should say no to.

I wouldn't be sending either of your DDs to this mans house. His wife being in the building is irrelevant. Children can be abused in the same room as other adults. Look at what he has already done to your 5yr old in a playground full of parents! Shock

Long kisses on the lips. WRONG
Kissing her up her leg from her foot to above her knee. WRONG
Pulling up her tights that you have already pulled up, by putting his hand down the front of her skirt. WRONG.

If another adult did even one of these things to my dc they would be feeling my wrath! Angry

I do think you should mention to whoever is the lead Child Protection person at school too. They need to be aware of him.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 09/10/2012 14:51

Someone up thread said: hidden in plain view.

Very accurate. Nonchalantly crossing boundaries is still crossing boundaries.

Speak up. There is nothing offensive in saying this is inappropriate. He may chose to be offended, but his feelings are not your priority.

Good luck.

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:52

Op has said that he is a bit odd in that respect, so combined with what has happened to the op dd totally not right. I am from the not all men are paedophiles camp, considering that this man has an enhanced crb surely he should know what is appropriate and what is not

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:54

Totally agree bored, you have been saying what I have tried to say but better

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:57

I would defintely not send your dd to the house when he is there,he did all this in front of you, think what he can get away with when your not there

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:58

Go along with your dd and stay if you want your kids to keep the friendship

boredandrestless · 09/10/2012 15:00

Or have the DD round to your house or meet up with he kids and the mum somewhere eg park or soft play, she doesn't need to be in this mans house there are ways around it.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/10/2012 15:02

Thanks for coming back on this thread op. can I just pick up on this that you've just written? She is already a very friendly child who will talk to anyone. I do need to teach her about what is appropriate. Of course this is correct and she needs to start learning about inappropriate behaviour from adults but it's him that you need to speak to the next time you see him because he is the one who's in the wrong. Will he be there when you do today's school run? If so, and he tries any of this shit with your DD, please pull him up on it. Don't apologise, don't smile, don't try to placate him. Just state 'don't touch my DD.'. He needs to know you've got his number.

Btw, what does your DH say about this? Does this man do the same in front of your DH?

OxfordBags · 09/10/2012 15:04

It's not up to your Dd to tell you if she finds it inappropriate or yucky or whatever, OP. Children are programmed to be acquiescent to adults, especially ones they know and might feel like they'll be told off for being rude/silly/naughty/whatever if they complain - especially if Mummy is watching a man do something dodgy and doing or saying nothing about it. It's up to you to decide for her what is right or not and this is not right. Even if his intentions are not sinister at all, you're letting him teach her a very negative lesson about what she should permit adults to do with and to her body. Children shouldn't have their personal boundaries sacrificed for the sake of adults keeping ths naice. Glad you are going to talk to him about it, but rather surprised and sad that you have even had to ask if you should. I think you need to examine why your radar is so blunted about this sort of thing.

Mrskbpw · 09/10/2012 15:12

I've just read this whole thread thinking your daughter is 2, and worrying that I do this to my friend's little girl (well, not the kissing on the lips, but I do blow raspberries on her etc and I'd certainly pull her tights up if necessary).

BUT now I've realised she's actually 5. And really, the whole thing sounds odd no matter how old she is.

I agree that you need to say something, but I also agree that you don't need to get the police involved or the headteacher; maybe keep an eye on him though if you can.

And I would say his response to you tackling him will speak volumes - perhaps he'll be genuinely mortified, or maybe he'll get all defensive?

It does sound like he's just an idiot - reminds me of what Liz Kershaw said yesterday about being groped at Radio1. The kind who says 'it's political correctness gone mad' because he's not 'allowed' to pinch women's bums any more.

What does your daughter say? Does it make her uncomfortable? What did she do when he pulled her tights up? You need to speak to her about it too. There are some really good books on Amazon about 'my body'.

Good luck!

EternalHope · 09/10/2012 15:24

OP, I sympathise with you - social constraints are difficult to shake off and you risk awkwardness addressing this BUT you need to. Lip kissing from a comparative stranger is yuk, and him adjusting her tights is worse. I understand you not saying something at the time - a mixture of shock, awkwardness and lack of confidence that I was right to feel uncomfortable would have rendered me speechless too. You have not let your DD down and it's good you are seeking validation of your instincts on MN so that you can be more confident. The low key approach sounds like the best way. The comment about "I'm teaching DD2 about appropriate boundaries and you are blurring them" is about right to make it difficult for him to continue, and to make it socially acceptable for you to object very loudly if he does. Combine it with actually teaching your DC about boundaries and you win twice. Good luck.

PS I also agree about not letting DD1 play round at his house. The Mum being in the house isn't something you can police. Why would she not pop out to buy more teabags if her DH was home and the DC were playing nicely?

notmyproblem · 09/10/2012 17:59

OP, have a read of this thread and read how many women have been assaulted and abused -- and how many of them suffered molesting or uncomfortable behaviour at the hands of men/boys when they were young. And whose mothers didn't believe them or brushed it off. Trusted family members and family friends, fathers of their own friends, etc. Read about how vulnerable they felt and how it has negatively affected their lives ever since.

Then have a good hard look at your DDs and decide you're going to do everything in your power to keep this from happening to them.

If you don't stop a man who you clearly feel is being inappropriate with your daughter, you might as well be giving your permission to molest your daughter. She is relying on you to protect her as she is COMPLETELY HELPLESS to do anything about it herself.

Take this very very seriously, this whole situation. You have instincts for a reasaon, pay attention to them.

Nahla321 · 09/10/2012 18:52

I wouldn't necessarily start accusing him or reporting him to the police as although he was out if bounds he hasn't actually commited a crime. Could you have a word with his wife and just explain and could she have a quiet word in his ear? He may just be over friendly but as a precaution I would invite his DD around to your house instead then it isn't interfering with your other daughters friendship with her best friend and you can be sure to control this mans actions. If he doesn't stop then confront him directly and warn him off, keep a tight grip on your children's hands and hopefully he will get the message that he acted inappropriately .

fishnhips · 09/10/2012 19:42

I don't think YABU. I was molested by a neighbour when I was 7. He made a point of getting close to my parents and sibling, to the point that they were concerned about his inappropriate behaviour towards my older sister and were very careful. They simply didn't think anything could happen to me and it did. He lived in a house with a woman but of course she wasn't there all of the time. I didn't know what he was doing was wrong and thought it must be ok because he was always at my parents house, on family picnics, taking us swimming, letting us ride in his van etc. Hiding in plain view is about right, I don't think you need to alert the school (you have no real evidence anyway) but I do think you need to arrange playdates for both your daughters outside or at your house and tell him in front of your daughters that you don't want him to touch them.

gimmecakeandcandy · 09/10/2012 19:59

I'm sorry op but I am really really struggling to understand how you have let this happen - he is - as another poster said upthread, molesting your dd in front of you. Please tell him to never come near your dd again and please do NOT allow your eldest to go to their house. Please also tell a HV soberer are aware of him.

Please don't let him go near het again. Your poor dd

Flisspaps · 09/10/2012 20:15

I think you need to speak up for your DD, and you accept that you do.

I would go into school tomorrow and ask to speak to their designated person (who deals with safeguarding/child protection) and perhaps get some advice from them if you're unsure how to do it, but mainly to make them aware of what's happened in case other complaints are/have been made about him.