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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this man to leave my dd alone

249 replies

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 12:33

I have NC for this and I don't want to give to much detail in case I am recognised.

I have 3 dc. DD 1 is 10, DS is 7 and DD 2 is 5.

At school there is a dad who makes a beeline for my youngest dd every day. Incidents include:
Frequently picking her up and planting long kisses on her lips.
Picking her up and kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it.
One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so.

He is the father of DD1s best friend so we know him to chat to. He doesn't approach either of my other dc in this way. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice?.

OP posts:
Stopiwanttogetoffpls · 10/10/2012 20:25

Reading post has made my skin scrawl and bought back some horrific memories. I don't want to hijack the thread but i think some of you are naive yourselves to say it would be acceptable behaviour with a family member-WTF?!
I was sexually abused for 8yrs by my grandad, it started with small things like him putting his hands down my vest and touching my chest when i was 4yrs old in front of family members! i would be screaming for him to get off me only to be told by everyone "Don't be silly, it's your grandad, he's only tickling you!". This led on to much more sinister things, which i won't go into but you can imagine. He got away with so much for so long because the stupid bastards turned a blind eye! He was manipulative and clever. He used to pick up my Cousin from her nursery years later, all whilst having done this to me and another family member. No-one in that playground knew his past or future....
The fact is everyone has the potential to be an abuser and most often it is by family or people we know.
This man going anywhere near your DD's lips or tights is so wrong. If you can't speak up then please make yourself a human barrier and stand between them, block any contact, stand somewhere else. If it's concerning you enough that you need to post on here about it, then you really need to speak up and please, please don't allow any of your Children around at his house anymore, i implore you!!! I know how difficult it is to speak up but you have to do something. :)

liliapellicia · 10/10/2012 20:34

I'm with Seeker. 100%. This thread has highlighted why I rarely post on Mumsnet. I have very little respect for some of the views I've read. The OP posted for advice. She has acknowledged the behaviour is inappropriate, stated she will address it and outlined a plan for doing so. She has also patiently tolerated a level of viciousness and, yes, hysteria, that's immensely unhelpful.

Professionally I work with issues related to this topic on a fairly regular basis. Yes the man's behaviour is inappropriate and it should be quickly stopped. However there are a host of variables (some subtle, some less so) that determine such behaviour (cultural norms the obvious one) and whether or not a parent reacts to it. Shame on those who have implied that the OPs daughters are/will suffer from her failure to stop this so far. OP - this is utter nonsense. In my experience, the parents who react to these sorts of situations in such a hysterical/attacking (toward someone who is asking for advice fgs) are the ones who have the issues.

Really people - if you're so keen to hypothesise about the development of potentially damaging beliefs about relationships/men in children (particularly girsl) you should look closer to home. Have any of you stopped to think about the impact on your children of challenging any man who choses to be friendly/affectionate (thinking dog-walker & caretaker).

I recognise that emotions are probably running high due to recent events, but you all really need to get a grip for the sake of yourselves, your kids and society.
OP - hope you're not feeling too battered. You really didn't deserve it. Good luck with tackling what would be a really difficult situation for most of us.

Soditall · 10/10/2012 20:43

Oh my husband would kill him.

Yuck yuck and yuck tell him to sod off that is disgusting.

SoupInaBasket · 10/10/2012 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 10/10/2012 20:56

OP, what does your DH say about this man's behaviour?

OxfordBags · 10/10/2012 21:05

OP, I believe you are doing everything you think is right for your DC, BUT... Please let me reiterate this point again: do not use the fact that your DD appears unconcerned or says she is unconcerned. As has been detailed here many times over, children do not necessarily act alarmed when they are secretly perturbed nor will they admit it. You can't base what you do or how far you take action based on her saying that she feels fine about this man. You have to make the choice for her at this age as to what is acceptable for others to do to and with her. It may well be that this man is misguided and has entirely innocent feelings towards your daughter - HOWEVER, if you do not stop him, you are teaching her damaging lessons about her personal boundaries and rights. Any sort of overt and intrusive physical contact, however innocent and well-intended, that a child has to keep tolerating, teaches them that they can't stop adults invading their personal space and they're not allowed to stop them either. THIS is why you need to stop him, regardless of any creepiness or not. Please, please understand this and how important it is...

rockinhippy · 10/10/2012 21:07

Well said lillia

Inneedofbrandy · 10/10/2012 21:29

I think there's a hell of a lot projecting posters issues onto OP in this thread.

Animation · 10/10/2012 21:33

Long kisses on lips by friend's dad??

Hard to believe.

Inneedofbrandy · 10/10/2012 21:35

My dd's school friend dad played football in the park last weekend with her, oh lets call the police and scream paedo at him.

chipsandmushypeas · 10/10/2012 21:41

^^ Confused yeah cos that's the same...

pigletmania · 10/10/2012 21:50

Totally different ineedofabrandy. Did he give her a long kiss on the lips, pull her tights up putting his hand down the front of her skirt? Did he give her kisses on the legs going above the knee making yum yum sounds? Probably not

Inneedofbrandy · 10/10/2012 21:56

He did actually shock horror pick her up and swing her around when she tripped over the ball Shock and he high fived her. I mean come on ring the police that has to be a sex offender right?

I picked up my ds classmate today, she fell down in front of me. I picked her up put her on her feet and rubbed her knee, am I a sex offender now to?

I stand by my thoughts that there is a lot of projection and hysteria on this thread.

TheBigKidsDidIt · 10/10/2012 21:58

lilia - bravo, well said.

aldiwhore · 10/10/2012 21:59

He's your DD1's best friend's dad??

Alarm bells ring, but for that fact... I don't know how much socialising you've done. I know some very hand's on dads (and mums) who with a bit of familiarity, just sort out other people's children as they would their own, and I truly believe it's done in all innocence.

That doesn't make it acceptable. If innocent then it's STILL a step over 'personal body space' rules and needs to be tackled.

You HAVE to say something, and if you suspect he's okay and not being a sly pervert then you will upset him, so I would think very carefully about how approached this, but I would aim for stern politeness, rather than accusations, and a friendly manner so he didn't feel I was outright accusing him as a paedophile... because that is a SERIOUS accusation too.

I am not comfortable with any of what you put in your OP... I'm deeply uncomfortable with it. It's not right, or rather, in relation to what he's doing, it's not HIS right (parents pull up tights and plant kisses of their children's toes). I hope to hell it is as above, an innocent step over a boundary. Alarms bells are ringing though, listen to them but don't convict an innocent person unnecessarily.

pigletmania · 10/10/2012 22:01

That is totally different ineed. This man overstepped the mark and his behaviour was totally inappropriate. Op nt needs to ring the police but be on her guard round this man and step in if he does something to her dd that makes her uncomfortable. Have you read stopineedtgetoff post very poignant.

chipsandmushypeas · 10/10/2012 22:05

inneedofbrandy I think you've actually had enough, love. Wink

girliefriend · 10/10/2012 22:10

If someone had behaved like this in front of me towards my dd they certainly wouldn't have been able to get away with it again. I am totally Confused as to why you have allowed it to go on?

Thats what is scary.

If he is in the playground, you need to hold your dds hand and not allow her anywhere near him.

sosos · 10/10/2012 22:20

@stopiwanttogetoffpls. i am so sorry to read your post. although my sympathies dont help you i had tears in my eyes.

olgaga · 10/10/2012 22:32

planting long kisses on her lips

kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it

pulled (her tights) up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so

I'm absolutely amazed that anyone would think this is normal behaviour! For heaven's sake - what normal person would plant "long kisses" on the lips of anyone else's child?

I also have to ask - what normal person would allow a man to do that to their child?

You read a lot of horrible stuff on this website, but I have to say this has shocked me.

KellyMarieTunstall nails it. Hidden in plain sight. This is how some predators get away with it. Tell him straight.

sosos · 10/10/2012 23:00

Inneedofbrandy are you taking the absolute piss. your sarcasm doesnt help i think playing in the park compared to kissing someone elses child longly on the lips and putting his hands down her waist band to pull up her tights after the mother has already done it is abit different!

Stopiwanttogetoffpls · 11/10/2012 17:07

@ sosos- Thank you :)
@ inneedofbrandy- it's good to know my years of abuse are nothing more than "I stand by my thoughts that there is a lot of projection and hysteria on this thread." So good of you to put those all those years of utter hell into perspective for me, i can assure you though, it's really NOT hysteria, it happened!
Although i do understand the point you're trying to make, your example is pathetic and it was people like you who allowed dumb fucks likes my abusive grandfather to get away with what he did for so long, by dismissing it as 'harmless fun'!
With everything so current in the news today, how can you ridicule things? You are comparing 2 totally different incidents. So please don't ever take your eye off the ball because you think you know best, i wish to god someone had spoke up for me!
I never normally post only lurk but i felt quite strongly about this and felt compelled to post, especially with some other posters saying "this play behaviour is acceptable with close family members". I know my experience was unfortunate, shit, whatever....and it doesn't mean every family member or friend is an abuser but isn't it better to err on the side of caution than not??
Sorry, i don't think i'm explaining myself very well :/

amillionyears · 11/10/2012 18:29

op,are you ok about this thread carrying on?
If you are not,you can ask MNHQ to withdraw the thread.

If you are ok with it,it is hopefully opening some peoples eyes to potential very bad behaviour.
Readers,if you have a gut feeling about someone who may not be behaving appropriately,and are scared to do something about it yourself,try and find someone you trust to tell them about it,and see what they think.

Inneedofbrandy · 11/10/2012 18:30

Stopiwanttogetoffpls I am sorry for what you went through, however I don't think it is a good arguement to say well it happened to me so it's happening to you. You are in your own words You are comparing 2 totally different incidents .

I have been abused as a child, the old catholic man who lived in my nan and grandads residential home they owned used to take me down the garage and feel me up/make me touch him. So no just because it happened to you doesn't give you or me or anyone else authority on this.

I don't think even with what I went through it's better to err on the side of caution. I have heard posters say (not this thread) that they have never left their daughter alone with any man apart from the father. That is quite ridiculous IMO , this is a discussion board and everyone is allowed their own opinion.

You also can't say With everything so current in the news today, how can you ridicule things? There is no known evidence what happens now a days is any worse or more then what has happened in years gone by.

As for the OP I think the fact she has felt to post and has a funny feeling about the incidences says it all, and she should take steps to protect her child.

However there has been a lot of exaggeration and taking what the OP has said to extremes. Like I said and still say projection

I am very sorry to hear what you went through Stopiwanttogetoffpls, I do hope you seek some more counselling and don't teach your children fear of all men.

Not all men are dirty old pervs, some are just child friendly, some innocently over step bounds of "normal" behaviour. For what it's worth I had to kiss my uncle on the lips goodbye every time I saw him. It was grim and I hated it, he was just a kissy kind of person, not a sex offender. I feel really sorry that all men get labelled automatically in one bunch, we don't ever lump all woman together never mind they can be just as bad. Remember the nursery worker taking porn pics of toddlers a year or so ago anyone??

amillionyears · 11/10/2012 18:34

And now for the trickier bit.
To the posters who think that the description of what the man did is ok behaviour, if you are ever in a similar situation,or your children raise concerns whatsoever about another adult,please please do not dismiss your children.No matter who it is that they are talking about.