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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell this man to leave my dd alone

249 replies

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 12:33

I have NC for this and I don't want to give to much detail in case I am recognised.

I have 3 dc. DD 1 is 10, DS is 7 and DD 2 is 5.

At school there is a dad who makes a beeline for my youngest dd every day. Incidents include:
Frequently picking her up and planting long kisses on her lips.
Picking her up and kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it.
One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so.

He is the father of DD1s best friend so we know him to chat to. He doesn't approach either of my other dc in this way. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice?.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 10/10/2012 12:54

seeker I would agree that threads like this can be a bit of a frenzy, but you have to remember that OP doesn't feel comfortable with this and she's there to see it every day.

I'm sure you are never inappropriate with your friends' children. But you have no way of knowing whether this man is being friendly or predatory.

I would say yours is a good point that needs to be made in general, but perhaps in a more objective discussion and not in this particular situation.

seeker · 10/10/2012 13:02

I have said that the OP should tell this man to stop. As have others- and I hope and trust she has. But neither the op's cause not the cause of abused children is helped by hysteria and the "nobody should ever touch a child that's not their own" feeding frenzy.

And suggesting that I am putting this child in danger is outrageous,

MrsMuddyPuddles · 10/10/2012 13:12

"One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so."

Why didn't you pull him up on this right when he did it? what went through your head? The rest of it... I can see being a bit blurry, and if you don't want to go down the "you're blurring my daughter's sense of appropriate boundaries" route, have your DH tell him off (I can see Mr Chauvanist brushing off a "paranoid mother's" comments more easily than the father's "oi! Leave my daughter alone" comment)

You as the mother are responsible for fixing your daughter's clothing... why on earth would he think it was ok to fix it?!

Tenacity · 10/10/2012 13:29

This man has identified a vulnerability in the OP I believe. It explains why he has been able to go on unchallenged, and why he is abusing her daughter in plain sight. Shock
OP I think you need to get support in real life, and should also contact the school. Otherwise I think your kids are in danger, not just from this man, but other predators too. Sad

FerrisBueller1972 · 10/10/2012 13:49

I can see where Seeker is coming from (I think) in regards to some of the more hysterical 'paedo accusers' - 'he's grooming her' and the like.

However, I would not hesitate to stop this man in his tracks if he had behaved like that with a child of mine.

Kissing a child on the lips is not an uncommon thing between my friends/family and children. A complete stranger doing it to my child, nope I don't think so. Though some children go straight for a lip smacking kiss whether the recipient wants it or not!

Please take the very good advice you are being given here in how to handle this situation, you have to stop him. End of!

gimmecakeandcandy · 10/10/2012 13:50

Please update us op x

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 10/10/2012 13:52

Ok lots going on here. Thank you for all the advice.

Firstly can I say that this thread is entirely genuine. I am not a naive mum who is scared to protect my children. I do not want to massively over react to what could be an innocent (but I accept inappropriate situation). The fallout for all concerned would be huge (including my DDs).
There is nothing in my past that is preventing me dealing with this as one poster asked.

My youngest dd has shown no concern at all about this. This man has done nothing to her that myself or dh wouldn't do. That is where I have made a huge mistake that needs rectifying. Last night I had a long talk with her about personal space and what is appropriate. We discussed who could and couldn't kiss and touch her. Obviously I will be telling this man to back off if he touches her again.

With regards to seekers comments, if I was reading this thread I would probably be posting as she is. It is very difficult to see the bigger picture when all you have to go on is words on a screen. Whilst I obviously don't know if this man is a danger I am not prepared to possibly ruin his life by involving school, police etc without a lot more evidence.

Re my comment about him pulling her tights up. I just need to make it clear he put his hands under and down the waistband of her skirt and pulled the tights up. He did not as some seem to be thinking put his hands in her tights or pants. Still inappropriate which is why I was uncomfortable but not molestation.

OP posts:
alienreflux · 10/10/2012 13:59

glad you came back op and that you are going to put a stop to this outrageous behaviour.
I would disagree though, i think interfering with your child's clothes and kissing her leg from her toes to above the knee is molestation. i could be wrong,but it would be enough 4 me. not to call the cops i might add, but to put him so right, he never dared go wrong again.

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 10/10/2012 14:02

You are right alien I should have stopped it straight away.

OP posts:
steppemum · 10/10/2012 14:21

sooty, I can really appreciate why you don't want to get the man into trouble. You don't want to ruin a life if he is innocent. And (despite what others say) I can imagine that it is possible that this guy is just being stupid and naive. BUT I think he is on such dangerous ground in terms of inappropriate behaviour that I am suspicious.

I do disagree with posters that say what he has done is molestation. No, I think that my dcs uncle would do exactly that to them messing around kisses and cuddles, pretending to gobble them up starting at their toes. All innocent, all appropriate. BUT this guy isn't their uncle and it is a strange thing to do to a child in the playground. I can imagine your dd laughing and thinking it is funny, and that makes you wonder if you are overeacting. But as you can see from here, you really are not.

For the sake of your dd, you need to tell him to back off. As I said before if he is innocent he will be mortified (and might be angry - c'est la vie). If you do involve school they may have to tell police.

lollilou · 10/10/2012 14:25

I agree with steppemum Perfect advice.

edam · 10/10/2012 14:37

Agree, steppemum is pretty much spot on. Glad you came back, OP. And well done for standing up to the idiots who say 'ooh, something that is outside my personal experience, I don't believe it ever happened'. Some people need to get out more. Or read a book occasionally.

Leena49 · 10/10/2012 14:48

Just tell him that some others mums have approached you as they thought his behaviour was inappropriate and on reflection so do you.

My DH used to be a bit like that throwing friends kids into the air, spinning them round. He stopped it when he became a secondary school special needs teacher and realised that things can be misinterpreted especially if you are a bloke. Now he is a SENCO he really keeps his distance. I think the bloke is just naive.

cestlavielife · 10/10/2012 15:10

agree with all above about telling him it is inaproprate .

"This man has done nothing to her that myself or dh wouldn't do"

is it something he sees you do in public to her?

and do you or your dh do the same to his DD when playdates happen?

is he like this with his own dd?

does he have other children other than your dd's playmate ?

sosos · 10/10/2012 15:52

after you have spoke to him about his extremely inappropriate behaviour, if he does it again then you need to involve the police and the school. putti.g his hand down her waist band or 'just pulling her tights up' is just wrong! why would he feel he should do that? especially as you have already done so. im really concerned regarding this man. like i said if he does it again you need to involve the school atleast 100%. wouldnt you rather ruin his life than a child if GOD FORBID he ever did anything! your dd doesnt seem concerned or uncomfortable because of her age. i hope she is ok op aswell as you. try and keep us updated and i hope your dh is giving you lots of support. i wouldnt like to say what mine would do to this man if it was our dd xxxxxx

Svrider · 10/10/2012 15:58

I agree with tenacity
Gotta luv the fact you aren't doin anything to stop this man Hmm

You are the person supposed to be protecting your daughter (you appear to have forgotten this)

Original poster
SootyLovesSweep · 10/10/2012 16:19

Svrider I have said several times that I will be telling him to back off and I have spoken to both my DDs with regard to personal space and what is appropriate.

Are you in the camp who would tar and feather a possibly innocent person "just in case". Please don't question my ability to protect my dc I can assure you that is not an issue.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 10/10/2012 16:32

Seeker those things that the op said that this man did are inappropriate and not on. Full long kiss on the lips, pulling her tights up when her mum is there and able to do that for her dd. kissing legs above the knee.

sosos · 10/10/2012 16:39

i would rather "tar and feather an innocent person" than chance a child appearing on the news because of someone like this. people may not agree with me but you cant chance these things and you never know whats going on in his head. he sounds like an absolute wierdo. no one in there right mind would do these things to someone elses child.

ScarahScreams · 10/10/2012 16:44

You are speaking to them about personal space however you have let someone you describe as a "dirty old man" touch your 5 yo like that in the playground without so much as clearing your throat Hmm

Boy, they are going to be very confused little girls.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 10/10/2012 16:53

How many people who were wrongly accused of this sort of thing had their WHOLE LIFE ruined? A quiet word with the school or police won't turn up on a standard CRBS check, though it MIGHT show up on an enhanced one if it's relevant to the case (I've only looked into the normal one for an organization I'm involved with, so I'm not an expert... but I'd doubt it would do anything to him other than maybe a casual warning or extra appropriateness training).

Heck, you could even say "a family friend is doing XY and Z with my 5 year old, is it ok?" to the without saying who the friend is is to the Safeguarding Officer or the local council's child protection group, then take it from there... you seem quite concerned that this guy's life doesn't get afffected...

amillionyears · 10/10/2012 17:01

Svrider,and ScarahScreams,she asked MN for advice,and she has taken that advice on board.
She realises things now that she did not realise before,and is going to do something about it.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 10/10/2012 17:05

This is a tough one. The bloke could just be having innocent fun and be incredibly naive. But then he could have a sinister motive. Either way the behaviour has to stop now as its not appropriate in the circumstances described. Certainly appropriate between a 5yo and her grandad, or a close family member, I remember smackers on the lips, chin pie, the nippy bottom game etc etc from several male relations, none of whom are paedophiles to my knowledge. Not appropriate behaviour from a school gate acquaintance. Next time he tries it, explain firmly that you are teaching her appropriate touching from strangers, and please could he refrain from touching her again as you feel it will give her mixed messages. That way you are clear to him that you will not tolerate it, and that you feel it's inappropriate, but at the same time not confronting him directly. Of course if you have suspicion that he is perving, report immediately!

EdgarAllanPond · 10/10/2012 17:09

"I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so"

this is the thing that clinches it...as well as that you feel uncomfortable.
I'm happy to sort out someone elses childs attire - but her tights were up already.

My dd is also very outgoing and leaps all over other parents (with me looking embarrassed!) , but the things you list, and your feeling about it I have not come across. it's not normal, you aren't happy - and that should tell you something about it.

speak to someone at the school. Don't be hard on yourself but do take action.

Bobyan · 10/10/2012 18:26

Grow some balls rather being so upset about causing upset.