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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell this man to leave my dd alone

249 replies

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 12:33

I have NC for this and I don't want to give to much detail in case I am recognised.

I have 3 dc. DD 1 is 10, DS is 7 and DD 2 is 5.

At school there is a dad who makes a beeline for my youngest dd every day. Incidents include:
Frequently picking her up and planting long kisses on her lips.
Picking her up and kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it.
One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so.

He is the father of DD1s best friend so we know him to chat to. He doesn't approach either of my other dc in this way. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice?.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 09/10/2012 20:19

I wouldn't speak to his wife about the issue, which has been suggested upthread.

There's a chance he could brush it off and deny it happening, make out that you've got it all wrong, she might think you're talking out of your arse and not say anything to him, she might be aware that he's acting inappropriately and be ignoring it and say nothing to him anyway, she could call him on it and he deny it but then carry on behaving inappropriately.

Fairyliz · 09/10/2012 20:31

I work in a school and we never touch children unless they touch us first. If I am carrying out first aid eg a grazed knee, I ask the child if they want to wipe it or if they want me to do it for them.
Tell him to stop and go and see the head teacher, you never know they may be building a file of inappropriate behaviour.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 09/10/2012 21:08

I think you and your husband should go round to their house when both he and his wife are in and the children are in bed. You should list his behaviour and ask him how he thinks that is the way he should behave. You should draw his wife's attention to it in a serious manner. Tell them your children won't be coming to play with their children again, but that theirs will be welcome at your house.

Oh and yes of course you should talk to the Safeguarding Officer. Given this man has an enhanced CRB check he may well be volunteering for extra duties in the school.

chairmanofthebored · 09/10/2012 21:49

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mamalovesmojitos · 09/10/2012 21:55

WTAF

Op don't accept this for another minute! Can't add anything that hasn't already been said but please take control and tell this creep to stop molesting your child.

Lavenderhoney · 09/10/2012 22:02

Is ths for real? Why are you allowing this? Tell him to pack it in. Don't let your dd round his house. Ever. Because he is like thus and it bothers you. So what if his wife is upset. . Tell the teacher. Get your dh to pick her up. Or a male friend to come with and tell him it's not acceptable. I would not allow it and none of our male friends behave like this anyway. It's not normal, even with your own dc IMO.

sosos · 10/10/2012 00:19

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missymoomoomee · 10/10/2012 00:31

Someone you describe as a dirty old man is kissing your 5 year old on the mouth and sticking his hand down her skirt in front of you and you are worried about it being a bit awkward if you tell him not to?

Really

Fuck his feelings, you can't let your daughter think its ok for a virtual stranger to kiss her and bite her legs and put his hand down her skirt, he may be innocent enough but you can't let her think that is acceptable.

Next time he makes a beeline just say NO in a firm voice and keep a tight hold of your DD. You don't need to say anything further or explain. I would also not let your oldest DD round either, he clearly has an issue with boundries.

Ilovejellysweets · 10/10/2012 00:40

You don want to cause massive upset. I cannot believe you've been so naive and tolerant to this gross behaviour. Jeez woman open your eyes.

waltermittymissus · 10/10/2012 00:48

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MummifiedBonkeyMollocks · 10/10/2012 00:54
Shock

The first time anyone who was not close family kisses ds will get a stern word their way. Let alone pick him up, hands on his legs trousers etc.

I am not a confrontational person...at all, but the safety of my child comes before anything else. I would suck up my balls and prepare for a fight if need be.

Even if it is harmless , they need to know that touching in this way from anyone but family is completely inappropriate !!

If it makes me uncomfortable as the parent then my gut is telling.me its not right. Gut feelings are rarely wrong!!!

MummifiedBonkeyMollocks · 10/10/2012 00:57

Oh and fuck.how anyone else feels.

Children are proity everytime!!!!!!

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 10/10/2012 00:59

planting a kiss on her lips i would be planting my fist on his!

This^^

Apart from making me dribble coffee all over the place including my nose, ... lol

YANBU OP xx

BegoniaBampot · 10/10/2012 01:05

I can't even imagine this going on in the playground at my kids school. What kind of faces are the other parents making when they witness this. Sounds beyond strange.

sparkle12mar08 · 10/10/2012 11:33

OP I'm getting increasingly worried about you. Has something happened to you in your past that means you're normalising this man's behaviour to your daughter? That you are so scared to confront him/cause a scene that you are unable to stop his molesting your daughter, your child? Because something is paralysing you, but she needs you, your baby needs you to get past whatever it is and protect her. I think and hope you're beginning to see that the overwhelming response here is that he is utterly inappropriate at best and abusive at worst - you are right to think that, and you will be right when you try and stop his behaviour. You will not be in the wrong, really you won't. Please, please screw up your courage for your daughter. You have to do this.

seeker · 10/10/2012 12:04

"The first time anyone who was not close family kisses ds will get a stern word their way. Let alone pick him up, hands on his legs trousers etc. "

Really? So my habit of dropping a kiss on the heads of friend's children is unacceptable?

amillionyears · 10/10/2012 12:16

seeker,I have a soft spot for you on MN.

But I have noticed you do have a habit of carrying about something that nees to be dropped.
And this is sooo one of those threads.
All the mixing of words,and you needing to defend yourself, is sooo not appropriate here.
You may not be able to see what the rest of us can see.
A child is at quite a risk here,so please for the sake of the child,and other readers and lurkers,please do not try to minimise the potential dangers. I would beg you if I could.

SootyLovesSweep,this is one of those rare occasions where I would throw my niceness out of the window.
If you need to be the rude to the man,be rude.

seeker · 10/10/2012 12:24

I am anxious to stop the hysteria which as usual seems to be following on from a legitimate issue. It is stupid to say that any touch of a child from anyone that is not a "close family member" is inappropriate. And will fuel the hysteria. I suggest you address yourself to those whipping themselves up into a frenzy, rather than those trying to point out a path of moderation.

MummifiedBonkeyMollocks · 10/10/2012 12:24

Depends how close the friend was.

I'm not particularly close to my family so some friends I would consider family, therefore a quick kiss on the head is fine, same as a cuddle if ds was in their care and wanted one etc.

But are you seriously saying that if someone who the OP describes as 'someone to chat too' got into the habit of touching your dd, picking her up, kissing her on the lips, that you would be completely comfortable and wouldn't say a word?

There is a massive difference to a kiss on the head and a kiss on the lips. I would have said the first time "I feel its a tad inappropriate that you are that way with my dd" in a light hearted way. The fact that the OP has left it longer means that its going to be harder to do it without offending anyone. If he is just a over friendly bloke then he will think 'why didn't she say so before??' .

frumpet · 10/10/2012 12:25

Its really simple isnt it , you are unhappy with the way this man is man handling your DD , she is your child , not his . Tell him to stop , you can add a please to the sentence if you want to conform to social niceties or you can add a fuck to the sentence if you dont , either way it should include a' stop touching my DD '.

steppemum · 10/10/2012 12:28

OK this might be long:

OP, my very good close friend, is now a single mum. Her ex is serving a long sentence for abuse of a child who used to visit their home. My friend was distraught, she knew nothing and felt responsible for child's well being. One thing he said to her was 'I never touched OUR kids'

I knew her ex well. Had known him for years. We stayed at their house. They looked like a normal family (she thought they were) You can't spot a peadophile by how they look, many are family men. All may be well at this man's home. He may be a good dad. My friends ex was a great dad, he loved kids. That doesn't mean he may not also be a peadophile.

I have been reading other threads recently about doing the 'stranger danger' talk with our kids. There is a great website which gives 10 things you should teach your child. One of them is to trust your feeling that something isn't right. As adults we often let that feeling be drowned under our social conscience (I don't want to make a fuss) etc. If we are teaching our kids to trust their gut feeling, how much more must we as parents trust our gut feelings.

We have one dad at the school gate who I don't trust. He is nice, chatty and is nice and friendly with all the kids. My kids love him because he is a joker and messes around with them (not physical, mostly tells them funny jokes). My kids and his kids are friends. We have had playdates, always at my house. I can't put my finger on what I don't trust. I may be doing the poor guy a disservice, but there is something, and I am going with that, so my dcs will never be alone with him.

I find what you are describing very inappropriate. I am very slow to use strong language on mn but this is outrageous. He may be genuine and stupid and he may be a peodophile. But you need to go with your gut instinct.

I think how you approach it depends on you and how bold you are. I think I would say to him - can I have a word? and then after you have dropped off kids (no eavesdropping) I would say simply, look I am sure it is entirely innocent, but the way you are interacting with my dd is not appropriate. Please don't kiss her on the lips, kiss her on the legs or even pick her up and hug her like that. Those are things that should only be done by family. It isn't appropriate in playground, or between you and my dd. It doesn't matter what his reaction is. Just smile and say well, she is my dd and that is what dh and I have decided. If he is genuine and stupid that should stop him in his tracks (he will be mortified) If he has ill intent he may make a fuss. Just walk away.

Then I would tell dd that kisses like that are for family and that it isn't going to happen at school. No need to tell her he is a 'bad man' in any way. Instead talk to her about her body being hers and if she doesn't like what someone is doing then she can say so and you will tell them no for her.

If he tries to continue, pick up dd yourself and say, please don't touch my daughter again, or I will have to take action (wouldn't mention police in dd hearing)

Do tell the school. My friends ex could have had an enhanced CRB. His record was squeaky clean, he looked like the perfect parent helper, how nice to have a dad who can come in to school etc.

It is not enough to stop it (by keeping dd away from him) you need to tell him too.

MummifiedBonkeyMollocks · 10/10/2012 12:36

Can i just add, there are members of my family that I wouldn't leave ds alone with.
My step dad is one of them. He is immediate family. I will under no circumstances leave ds alone with him. There is no blunt reason, I just dislike him and some things have happened which make me question him.
He has been in my life for nearly 20 years, but my gut tells me he is a prick so I go with that!

I have friends who have been in my life for 2 years who I would trust implicitly!

What I said before about family is wrong, but if your gut tells you something is wrong you always listen!

steppemum · 10/10/2012 12:36

For the record. I don't think every kiss is inappropriate. And I don't think every touch is either. I know one or two of our friends where our kids get into a big rough and tumble with the other kids dads. It is pretty physical. It is also entirely innocent. And I kiss my friends kids.
Some of that depends on you and your family and how tactile you and they are anyway.

That is a seperate issue from this dad at school gate though.

amillionyears · 10/10/2012 12:47

seeker,please please please,do not use words to try and I dont know what.

I have reported this thread to MNHQ,to ask them to keep an eye on things.

amillionyears · 10/10/2012 12:49

seeker,by posting what you are posting, you are putting this child in more potential danger.