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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell this man to leave my dd alone

249 replies

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 12:33

I have NC for this and I don't want to give to much detail in case I am recognised.

I have 3 dc. DD 1 is 10, DS is 7 and DD 2 is 5.

At school there is a dad who makes a beeline for my youngest dd every day. Incidents include:
Frequently picking her up and planting long kisses on her lips.
Picking her up and kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it.
One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so.

He is the father of DD1s best friend so we know him to chat to. He doesn't approach either of my other dc in this way. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice?.

OP posts:

HyvaPaiva · 09/10/2012 13:19

Good god, make him stop. Your daughter needs you to make him stop.

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 09/10/2012 13:19

So the WHOLE thread says HE IS ODD and ONE person says he is not and you go with them??? Listen OP....Flojo is in the minority.

MummytoMog · 09/10/2012 13:20

Ok, so he's not molested your daughter in front of you (sigh), but what he's doing is inappropriate IMO. I completely understand that you don't want to cause upset though. If it were me, I would simply say 'I'm very sorry, but I'm just not comfortable with non-family members having physical contact with my children. It might seem silly to you, but it's how I feel.'

Don't feel bad about it though.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/10/2012 13:21

Then if this is not the DD who goes to his house to play with his DD that's even more worrying, as he's being severely overfamiliar with a child he hardly knows. You need to speak to both your DDs about how his behaviour is inappropriate and how they should shout loudly 'Please don't do that/Please don't touch me' in a confident voice, if he (or anyone) does this again. He needs telling to stop. It's not acceptable. Agree with the poster who said to call police on the 101 number for advice, as they'll have a much better idea of how to handle this. But it's not appropriate, and needs addressing.

Original poster

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 13:24

You are all right. He is being very inappropriate and I need to (and will) put a stop to it. I agreed with flo because my instinct tells me that this is someone who doesn't understand boundaries and thinks he is more of a family friend than he actually is.

OP posts:

lanternfestival · 09/10/2012 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HuwEdwards · 09/10/2012 13:27

Sooty, in your post you say you 'feel very uncomfortable' around this man. You've listed 3 'incidents' which you 'don't know how to deal with'.

It is all inappropriate at best, and may be more sinister at worst.

How does your DD feel about all this?

The witch's advice is spot on...
Just say hold on to DD when he makes a beeline for her....restrain DD and put a firm arm out to stop him and say "NO touching please. We're teaching DD about appropriate touch and you are muddying the waters."

GoldenPeppermintCreams · 09/10/2012 13:27

I would do what others have suggested. Say firmly, and loudly, "please don't touch my daughter, she doesn't like it." Then walk off. Short and sweet.

I would also report it to the safeguarding lead at the school, because there may be other incidents that you don't know about. See what they say about the police. And they can also give a general lesson inappropriate touching to the pupils, because your daughter needs to know she can say no to this sort of behaviour.

ChasedByBees · 09/10/2012 13:27

Deal with this quickly - you're teaching your daughter this is an ok way for men she hardly knows to behave with her. Even if this man isn't dangerous (although I think he could be) you're putting her at risk with other men as she won't have appropriate boundaries in place. Once you've told him to stop - loudly, clearly and firmly - you need to also speak with her about what is ok and not ok from adults.

JoshLyman · 09/10/2012 13:28

Is he doing this in a playful way? Being silly? Does your daughter giggle?

Still inappropriate but just wondering if he's an idiot rather than a perv.

HecateLarpo · 09/10/2012 13:29

An enhanced CRB check means nothing more than the person has not, at the moment it was issued, been convicted of anything or cautioned or anything like that.

Let me be very clear. It means nothing more than that.

Never ever ever say oh well, this person must be ok, they have an enhanced CRB. Exercise good judgement.

His actions are inappropriate. He needs to be told. If he chooses to be upset or angered by this, tough. That's the price he pays for behaving so inappropriately.

He may be nothing more than really fatherly and think she's very cute and adore her in a fatherly way.

That is neither here nor there.

And your daughter must not think that to be picked up and kissed etc is something that is perfectly ok for someone at the school gate (supermarket, friend's house, swimming baths, etc, etc) to do. you don't grab someone's child at the school gate and kiss them on the lips and half way up their legs, for crying out loud.

You have to tell him to pack it in. Step in. Don't let him do it.

It doesn't matter what his motivations are. Most innocent interpretation - He may be all coochy coochy coo what a lovely kid I'm so broody, but so what? What matters are his actions, the way it has the potential to make your daughter feel and the risk of her feeling like it is appropriate for an adult to behave in such a way, which has the potential to make her vulnerable.

NowThenNowThen · 09/10/2012 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/10/2012 13:31

I would definitely ring the police on the non-emergency number for advice. You don't have to give your or his names unless you want to, but it will help solidify in your mind what's going on. They'll also be able to advise you on the correct way to deal with it. Why not do it now, before the school run?

BsshBossh · 09/10/2012 13:32

If your younger DD doesn't go to his house then how come he's overfamiliar with her?

FlouryWhiteBaps · 09/10/2012 13:34

I agree with ShineOn - I would physically stand between dd and this man, and if he goes to touch her simply say in a calm and firm manner "Leave her," repeat if necessary then walk away. If he is too obtuse to get the message then that's when I'd take it further.

I know you've said he is not there when your elder dd is round at theirs, but I still think I'd rather have the friend over at mine tbh. There might come a time when he off work for some reason, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with him around my dd when I am not there.

Original poster

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 13:34

I do think he more idiot than perv but you can never be sure.
I have the tissues out now so sorry if spelling goes crazy I can' see much.

I feel absolutely shit ( Thayer will teach me to post in Abu). I haven't protected my dd like I should because I don'tu want to upset others. It doesn't bother her but I didn't think about the message it would send re other men. I'm leaving the thread now to try and calm down.
Thanks those who gave sympathetic advice.

OP posts:

economistextra · 09/10/2012 13:35

Yanbu. Do as other posters say and stop him. I'd also confide in a teacher as I'd be concerned he may be inappropriate or worse behind closed doors with his own dc. Hopefully the teacher could have a quiet and confidential chat with his dd to check no men are acting inappropriately with her...

Rhinestone · 09/10/2012 13:35

FFS OP, you need to grow a pair. This man is touching your daughter right in front of you - he is grooming you to think this is normal and he is grooming your daughter to think that her mother thinks this is normal so that she doesn't complain.

No normal man would behave this way, honestly.

You need to ring the HT and tell her what's been happening, ring the police for advice and if he tries that again you need to say very loudly, "Leave her alone, I don't want you touching her." Then ring the police, right in front of him if necessary.

And it goes without saying you need to sever ties with this family.

scentednappyhag · 09/10/2012 13:37

Just say 'You are behaving in an incredibly creepy way towards a five year old, and I don't want her to think that kind of behaviour is normal. Please stop touching her.'. Loudly.

FreePeaceSweet · 09/10/2012 13:39

Just out of interest, does he ever do this around your dh?
I'm inclined to think that he has become over familiar in his behaviour with your dd and probably means no harm. But your feelings and your dd mean more than a wacky dad and his dented pride. Just say firmly and loudly "For god's sake put her down!" Be aggressive in your tone and don't apologise for it either. If it were me I'd wait further up or in a different area too.

dikkertjedap · 09/10/2012 13:39

OP I understand that you don't want to cause an upset, however, if it was my dd I would be very worried. Not so much about what he is doing now as it does not seem to upset your younger dd, but more so about what may happen when he is on his own with kids (yours or others). In a way it is neither here or there if his wife is present, she may not see things or not may want to see things.

I would try to speak to him and tell him that it concerns you how familiar he is with your dd. I would also speak to the safeguarding officer at school (often it is the Head Teacher). Personally, I would NOT let any of your kids play at his home unless you go with them to have a coffee or so. Better to be overcautious then not cautious enough.

Trust me, it is really really odd behaviour.

dikkertjedap · 09/10/2012 13:40

sorry for type - his wife may not want to see

whatthewhatthebleep · 09/10/2012 13:41

I have to agree with the majority here....kissing someone's child in the way you have described is completely wrong.

I would be worried about what he does for a living that he needs a crb cert?...I hope it isn't working with children and vulnerable people tbh...and I would be concerned about what he was up to with any other children....

Please advise school and ask them to be vigilant of this behaviour. They can witness and help protect if they have been alerted to this. They may decide to involve the Police themselves if they see this inappropriate behaviour, then you are not alone with your worries about this person.

I think it's as someone else has suggested...'hiding in broad daylight' ....and getting away with things that just shouldn't be happening.....you can't know what else he may be doing with any other young children and there could be other parents who have felt as you do.....this needs investigated, err on the side of caution

Bethnick · 09/10/2012 13:43

it doesn't matter about your work friends or anyone else you need to protect your little one from weirdos like this. you will be glad that you did

Goldenjubilee10 · 09/10/2012 13:43

The thing is most abused children are not abused by strangers. They are abused by people they know. In allowing him to be so familiar with your children they may see no reason not to happily go with him should he meet them when they are not with you.

He needs to stop and you need to warn them.

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