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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell this man to leave my dd alone

249 replies

SootyLovesSweep · 09/10/2012 12:33

I have NC for this and I don't want to give to much detail in case I am recognised.

I have 3 dc. DD 1 is 10, DS is 7 and DD 2 is 5.

At school there is a dad who makes a beeline for my youngest dd every day. Incidents include:
Frequently picking her up and planting long kisses on her lips.
Picking her up and kissing her leg from toes to above knee making yum, yum noises whilst doing it.
One morning last week dd complained her tights were falling down. I pulled them up and sorted her out. He then grabbed her and pulled them up again putting his hands right down her skirt to do so.

He is the father of DD1s best friend so we know him to chat to. He doesn't approach either of my other dc in this way. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice?.

OP posts:
edam · 09/10/2012 13:44

Blimey OP, I think you are having a very hard time. It's far easier for someone typing on MN to see how inappropriate this than to tackle it IRL esp. as his wife is a colleague and there's the potential for embarrassment and upset.

That's no reason to avoid tackling it - and it does need to be stopped. But it's understandable that you have hesitated and worried about over-reacting. Abusers - and I have no idea whether he is one - often rely on social compliance, on women - in particular - not wanting to cause a fuss. But sometimes you have to assert the boundaries very firmly indeed.

He may well be a really nice guy who is bizarrely over-enthusiastic (or something far worse) but he needs to be told to stop, and dd (both dds and your ds) need to hear you saying it. You need to find some personal safety advice for children - there's a concept called 'safe touch' or 'good touch/bad touch' that helps them deal with these suituations (where stranger danger is no use because the person making you feel uncomfortable is not a stranger).

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 09/10/2012 13:48

This reply has been deleted

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WilfredToadflax · 09/10/2012 13:54

Erm, toomuch, that's a pretty revolting paragraph you've snuck in there. How the heck is that going to help the op?

FreePeaceSweet · 09/10/2012 13:54

Too much er toomuch. Yikes.

edam · 09/10/2012 13:59

toomuch, why are you so keen to imagine sexual stuff in relation to the OP's dd? Very unhealthy and uncalled for. You need to sort out your own attitudes.

seeker · 09/10/2012 13:59

Or it could be that he is a friendly, cuddly man who loves children? Just a thought.

And I find the caretaker and the dog walker stories deeply depressing. Why the fuck shouldn't a child talk to strangers while their mother is standing next to them?

NotGeoffVader · 09/10/2012 14:02

Is it not possible to simply intervene next time anything like this looks likely to happen and say that you feel that his behaviour appears inappropriate? I understand you're in a difficult position wrt the relationship with his wife, but I'd say that his actions towards your DD are not coming across well.

He just possibly might be being very tactile, but there are boundaries that he is overstepping. He might not be being tactile, we don't know, but you need to stop him before the situation becomes even more difficult. The longer you don't say anything, the worse it will get.

WilfredToadflax · 09/10/2012 14:05

The op's scenario is very unsettling. Yes, he could just be a friendly man who loves children, but I wouldn't be willing to take that chance.

Kissing on the lips is appropriate for close family, ditto kissing up the legs and diving under a skirt to pull tights up.
No matter how friendly he was being, I would not be allowing this to happen.

starlady · 09/10/2012 14:06

yep - let's calm it down. Not everyone has paedophile inclinations. OP, I do think, as others have said, you need to let him know you'd rather he wasn't so tactile.

BUT in our school where there's a lot of people from different countries/ cultures, such as Southern Europe the dad's behaviour do tend to be much much more tactile - hair ruffling/ kissing/ letting kids other than their own sit on laps. (more than one I can think of offhand,). It has struck me odd, but my Italian friends tell me it's not unusual.

That said, I would say something - that thing about making sure she understands about boundaries is good.

Tiredmumno1 · 09/10/2012 14:06

Good grief toomuch, that wasn't exactly appropriate.

OP I read your post to my DH, after he finally picked his jaw up off the floor, he says the same as what mostly is being said here, tell him to stop touching your dd, he has absolutely no right to be doing what he is doing, it is not a normal thing to do, and you do maybe need to think about reporting it to the HT, just to be on the safe side, so he can be watched by others, if it is totally innocent then I am guessing he will just apologise and not come near you again. Although it is pretty odd that a grown man doesn't realise that he has crossed the line.

Even if you feel awkward you are doing this for your dd, so you don't need to spare his feelings, you need to sort it out, the next time you run into him, then it should put a stop to it. Good luck even though you know deep down you don't need luck, the strength is in there, it always is when it comes to our kids.

OhSoSimple · 09/10/2012 14:07

I agree with seeker but i would put a stop to the behaviour as it is making you feel uncomfortable, it is not appropriate and tbh it is a little odd.

Personally I wouldn't want to start suggesting someone was a paedo to school etc due to what has happened, unless it does not stop.

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:08

Your dd is your priority, you need to tell him to stop or go to the police. Suggest his dd come round to you, make sre she is never ever alone with him

seeker · 09/10/2012 14:08

I don't do kissing on the lips with children.

But I have pulled up friend's children's tights, picked them up, kissed their legs, pretended to nibble theirs necks, tickled and cuddled- would you suggest that my friends call the police?

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:10

The hands down tights is not appropriate, and kissing her on the legs, you have to tell him this is not on

seeker · 09/10/2012 14:10

But if you don't like it, just say that she's going through a stage of being wary - so please don't pick her up. Simple.

edam · 09/10/2012 14:11

Actually, may be worth asking the school to look at talking about good touch/bad touch and personal safety in PHSE lessons. Whatever you think about this man and whether he's innocent or a danger, it would be good if children are reminded they have the power to say 'NO' to an adult who is making them feel uncomfortable.

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:11

It is obviously making op feel uncomfortable so it's nt appropriate.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 09/10/2012 14:12

Ok ok, apologies, this touched a nerve cos of a situation I was aware of, not directly involved in (thank goodness) where that was exactly what the perp did (he filmed himself and that was used by the police as evidence)

Sorry, I hope the op was still away calming herself down. Shouldn't have brought my recent events into this thread. Will try to rephrase.

I do feel the op does need to stop this man NOW, teach her daughter by example that her body is her own space and this is not appropriate, to prevent any abuse by him or others. He could be an over friendly buffoon, but its STILL not appropriate and he should know it. My feeling is he is perfectly aware of his behaviour being inappropriate but is relying on the Ops compliance in a public place to get away with it.

Op please protect your little one, much more valuable than any social niceties.

OhChristFENTON · 09/10/2012 14:12

OP I'm interested to know why he has an enhanced CRB check. What I mean is anyone who has been in a position to have had this check would surely have a certain awareness of what is an appropriate way to behave towards someone else's child?

I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well, - but for instance anyone working with or in an environment where there are children would be uber conscious that there actions couldn't be misunderstood and taken as inappropriate in any way IYSWIM. - why does this man have no awareness of this?

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:13

Even little children have ersonal space and boundaries and this seems a step too far. I love children but would never do this kind of thing

HuwEdwards · 09/10/2012 14:14

Seeker - it's not the same

  1. First and foremost the mother of the child is uncomfortable with this parents behaviour
  2. This parent is kissing her on the lips
  3. Only 1 of this women's children is being specifically given a lot of attention - not the other 2.
seeker · 09/10/2012 14:19

But it's the littlest one that he is treating like this- a 5 year old is pickup and cuddleable- a 7 year old isn't.

OhChristFENTON · 09/10/2012 14:19

I don't do kissing children on the slips either, and I do do nibbling of chunky limbs and chubby wrists of nieces, nephews and very close friend's children, - but this is different, this isn't a close friendship and it would bother me that he 'doesn't know' he's crossing the line.

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 14:23

Seeker his behaviour is seriously overstepping the acceptable boundaries: kissing on lips, pulling up the girls lights putting his hand dwn the front of her skirt, kissing above the knee making yum yum noises lik he is getting g a bit of a thrill from it. Sorry totally inappropriate for a child this age, might be more fine for a 6 month baby with cute chubby legs

MaryZed · 09/10/2012 14:26

I think if the kissing on the lips wasn't there I would basically agree with Seeker - he's a numpty.

But (and this is a massive but) you don't kiss other people's children on the lips. You just don't. I stopped kissing mine on the lips by the time they started school or a bit later, I reckon. I don't think I have ever kissed any other children on the lips, and certainly dh wouldn't.

It's the fact that the op didn't immediately stop that that makes me feel the whole thing is very odd.

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