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Original poster

To want his teacher do more than just apologise?

254 replies

FuriousP · 08/10/2012 12:07

Sorry long post.I have namechanged for obvious reasons!
My son is a new Yr7 at High School, he has been loving classes, and especially those with a certain teacher, he has come home raving about how good her lessons are etc.
Last Friday, I had a very worrying call from his brother (DS2) to say DS1 had been upset by a teacher at school, and was so embarrassed he hadn't got the bus home, and was going to try to walk to his dads palce of work (only 1.5mile, but DS's dont really know the town where the school is very well, and certainly would not be sure of the walking route to that workplace) I tried to ring DS1, only to find his phone was out of power, so immediatly left work and drove to the school, only to find DS2 had got the late bus home instead (couldnt find dads, so went back and caught it, thank god)
It turns out that the beloved teacher had seen him fiddling under the desk (his pen had broken, he was trying to put it back together), and said "DS1, there is only one reason for your hand to be under your desk, and you having a big smile on your face, you are obviously playing with your willy!" and the whole class laughed at himSad My DS gets teased quite a lot as he has a few minor physical disability issues anyway, and found this totally humiliating, so burst into tears, and the TA took him out of nclass and sat with him outside to calm him down. Teacher then came out and said "Sorry, I shouldnt have said that, but lets not make an issue of it, shall we?" all DS wanted to know was why she had done this to him, which she wouldn't (or could'nt!) answer. The bell went for end of school, and all kids came out of class, still talking about incident and laughing, adn at that point DS had made the decision not to get on the bus.
When I got home and heard this, I tried to ring school, but only got answering machine, then at 6pm, I had a phone call from the school Deputy Head Teacher, apparently the TA had gone to him and reported the incident, along with another teacher who had heard this woman talking to DS in the corridor, and DHT, was investigating, and wanted to know if an apology was enough, or did we want more, as apparently this teacher was already under warning for "inappropriate behaviour"!
DS is very upset still, he is worried that the teasing will get worse, and everybody will say he was playing with himself in class, but doesnt want teacher to get sacked, what do I say I want to happen, as, personally I want her hung out to dry for hurting my sons feelings so much, but also want to repect sons wishes?? Thanks for reading this, any opinions welcome (puts on hard hat!)

OP posts:
tharsheblows · 08/10/2012 20:31

Sorry, my son is in Year 10, not Year 9. Am in denial about how old he's getting, clearly.

Original poster
FuriousP · 08/10/2012 20:40

Thanks for all the help everyone - shows just how upset I am, what a basic stupid mistake to make!!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 08/10/2012 20:44

Fucking hell Furious Angry

A teacher making a sexual innuendo towards your 11 YO DS??

I would be gunning for her too.

And I don't buy any excuses about her mixing up 16 YOs with 11 YOs either, it would still be a totally inappropriate thing to say to anyone she's teaching.

She shouldn't be given the chance to do it to another child (who doesn't have such great friends as your DS).

quoteunquote · 08/10/2012 21:07

If a male teacher said,

"DD1, there is only one reason for your hand to be under your desk, and you having a big smile on your face, you are obviously playing with your clitoris"

he wouldn't be on campus again,

FuriousP, you have every right to be upset.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 08/10/2012 21:08

Oh poor Ds & poor you, awful in so many ways. As has been said, this type of stuff can stay with a child forever, always remembered. However I want to say that YOUR reaction will also stay with him, & you are being amazing, totally 'mama bear' protecting your son, which, whatever nastier things he has to learn from this, he ll know that his mum & whole family will stand up for him, fight & protect him. Well done for that.

Original poster
FuriousP · 08/10/2012 21:10

DS1 seems to be taking this better than his parents! seemed quite unworried about this now... pehaps I underestimated his resilience, as he said this evening "what she said was embarrassing mum, and I felt really bad at the time, but my friends said dont worry, they wont say anything about it to anyone!" I did say to him that the DHT would be speaking to him tomorrow, but dont worry, just tell the truth (TBH the DHT was proud that he went in at all today, and said it showed "strenght of charactor"), and he said, "of course I will, why would I lie about something like that?"
I just hope he feels the same tomorrow after they have spoken to him[worried emoticom]

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 08/10/2012 21:17

If it were me I'd let my DC return to normal and 'forget it' I.e not make any more out of it if that's what the seemed to need/want

......whilst privately pursuing this through every avenue I could

AgentZigzag · 08/10/2012 21:37

Definitely Toothbrush.

HuntingBears · 08/10/2012 21:51

Agree Toothbrush. Furious your son (thankfully) is obviously liked and respected by his mates, which is why they've rallied round him. He does sound like a really grounded kid. This woman is appalling. Trying to get a cheap laugh and appear down with the kids. Yeuch. The DHT has obviously said to the TA "look if you stand by what you said I will have to take it further" . TA shitting herself, so is now lying, school also, because this is gross misconduct and they haven't the guts to do what they should do and lose her. I don't care how good she is at her subject she simply cannot talk to Y7's like this.

So sorry for Cracker earlier. What an awful thing to happen to you.

freemanbatch · 08/10/2012 22:00

Are you going with your son to speak to the DHT FURIOUS?

I'm not sure I'd want him talking to them alone given they are making all the noises of pushing for the story to change so its 'not that bad'

I'm glad he seems ok about it now

Slinkysista · 08/10/2012 23:34

No an apology is absolutely not enough! I would be trying to get her fired for sure. What can someone with that mentality teach your child? Do the school a favour and make a complaint to the education board.

Original poster
FuriousP · 08/10/2012 23:44

DS1 wants to talk to DHT, he said he will tell him exactly what was said, I have offered to go in, but he doesn't want this.
I am going in tomorrow afternoon, and will see what has been said

OP posts:
diddl · 09/10/2012 08:04

TBH, I don´t think that he should talk to the DHT alone.

He might start going on a bout how sorry the teacher is, perhaps he misheard...

myBOYSareBONKERS · 09/10/2012 08:12

How could it be passed off as "mis-heard" if the TA also heard it and so complained. If she changes her mind on what happened then I would be wondering if they made her feel her own job was under threat

BoffinMum · 09/10/2012 08:21

If I were her Head Teacher, I would be explaining to her calmly but very clearly that this was an awful judgement call that had rightly upset a child, his parents and which also had an impact on perceptions of the school as well as her own professionalism. She'd be on a verbal warning, and be on a training course by half term.

I'd probably also move the teachers around at half term so she didn't have contact with this class again.

If there was another incidence of poor judgement like this, she would be on a written warning, and after that she would be out.

Even the teacher unions would be behind this - you don't accuse pupils of masturbating in the classroom, even in jest.

diddl · 09/10/2012 08:31

But it´s not known what the TAs complaint is-whether it´s about what was said, or about the teacher asking OPs son to say nothing.

Also, it seems that the TA didn´t say that the teacher was the one who said willy-unless I´ve misunderstood.

She said it was "mentioned"-by whom, though?

Teacher said it was another pupil-did TA agree or disagree with that?

myBOYSareBONKERS · 09/10/2012 11:17

Teacher then came out and said "Sorry, I shouldnt have said that, but lets not make an issue of it, shall we?" so she did say something to then be saying the above.

apparently the TA had gone to him and reported the incident, along with another teacher who had heard this woman talking to DS in the corridor, and DHT, was investigating, and wanted to know if an apology was enough,

SO two teachers heard her say she shouldnt of said it.

Wordsmith · 09/10/2012 11:37

This incident should trigger a meeting of the Governing body, or at least the appropriate committee thereof. I would ask the HT/DHT when that meeting will be and that you want to know the outcome. The teacher should be suspended.

MysticMugBug · 09/10/2012 13:13

yep, formal apology to the class is appropriate i think.
How terrible for the teacher to make an assumption, let alone it being sexual in nature.
Yes, some children would have laughed it off and joked with their friends, but even if this did happen it would still be disgustingly inexcuseable.
As well as an apology i think she should also say that he was fixing his pen.
I am so surprised that this happened.

alienreflux · 09/10/2012 13:24

blimey, what a stupid thing to say?? beggars belief, and i agree, she needs to go, if this is not the first time.
No advice really, just to say, don't worry about ds missing her, he will soon get over it,she needs to disappear, then the class will move on.
Poor DS. I'm Angry on his behalf.

Shesparkles · 09/10/2012 13:27

If your son's dealin with it well, which it sounds like he is, I don't think I'd push for anything to be done publicly, however I would be pushing for formal disciplinary action to be taken against the teacher.

helenthemadex · 09/10/2012 19:13

Its beyond belief that any teacher would think this is an appropriate thing to say, your DS sounds like he is really mature much more so than this idiot of a teacher. You can imagine the outcry if this had been a male teacher making this type of comment to a girl!!

I would not let ds go alone to the meeting, as someone else suggested I think the DHT may try to pressure him into changing his story.

I dont know if it would be over reacting to call 101 and ask their opinion and advice, the one thing I most certainly not do is to let this matter drop. This teacher is in a position of power and must be very clearly told this is wrong

Original poster
FuriousP · 10/10/2012 00:17

Hi All. Just a quick update, nothing really to add yet as DS1 was off sick today (raised temp, dizzy and sickSad) so neither of us saw DHT today.
However, in conversation with DS today, he is quite glad the woman has been moved from teaching him, as he said "he cannot trust her anymore".
He is also a bit uptight about the upcoming interview, I wish they had spoken with him Monday, instead of leaving him to stew. I keep saying to him to just tell them what she said and how you feel about things, also, apparently, there was some low level teasing about this yesterday, and that also needs to be nipped in the bus. He wants an apology, and he wants the class to know her being moved is not his fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuriousP · 10/10/2012 00:23

Oh, and he doesn't want her to lose her job, he is adamant over this, even though DH and I want to make a formal complaint, I don't want to go against his wishes as I don't want him to lose trust in us too. Really wondering what to do at the moment,

OP posts:
Alambil · 10/10/2012 00:37

I would tell him that you have to, as his parents and with the adult ability to see the bigger issues and picture here, have to ignore his wishes to have her still employed and make the complaint formal.

You can not let this go. DS can get help and support to deal with his feelings around it and around not wanting her sacked (scared of more bullying / scared of what she might say etc) but you MUST do something because that is wholly and utterly wrong and frankly, sets safeguarding alarm bells ringing.

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