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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want his teacher do more than just apologise?

254 replies

FuriousP · 08/10/2012 12:07

Sorry long post.I have namechanged for obvious reasons!
My son is a new Yr7 at High School, he has been loving classes, and especially those with a certain teacher, he has come home raving about how good her lessons are etc.
Last Friday, I had a very worrying call from his brother (DS2) to say DS1 had been upset by a teacher at school, and was so embarrassed he hadn't got the bus home, and was going to try to walk to his dads palce of work (only 1.5mile, but DS's dont really know the town where the school is very well, and certainly would not be sure of the walking route to that workplace) I tried to ring DS1, only to find his phone was out of power, so immediatly left work and drove to the school, only to find DS2 had got the late bus home instead (couldnt find dads, so went back and caught it, thank god)
It turns out that the beloved teacher had seen him fiddling under the desk (his pen had broken, he was trying to put it back together), and said "DS1, there is only one reason for your hand to be under your desk, and you having a big smile on your face, you are obviously playing with your willy!" and the whole class laughed at himSad My DS gets teased quite a lot as he has a few minor physical disability issues anyway, and found this totally humiliating, so burst into tears, and the TA took him out of nclass and sat with him outside to calm him down. Teacher then came out and said "Sorry, I shouldnt have said that, but lets not make an issue of it, shall we?" all DS wanted to know was why she had done this to him, which she wouldn't (or could'nt!) answer. The bell went for end of school, and all kids came out of class, still talking about incident and laughing, adn at that point DS had made the decision not to get on the bus.
When I got home and heard this, I tried to ring school, but only got answering machine, then at 6pm, I had a phone call from the school Deputy Head Teacher, apparently the TA had gone to him and reported the incident, along with another teacher who had heard this woman talking to DS in the corridor, and DHT, was investigating, and wanted to know if an apology was enough, or did we want more, as apparently this teacher was already under warning for "inappropriate behaviour"!
DS is very upset still, he is worried that the teasing will get worse, and everybody will say he was playing with himself in class, but doesnt want teacher to get sacked, what do I say I want to happen, as, personally I want her hung out to dry for hurting my sons feelings so much, but also want to repect sons wishes?? Thanks for reading this, any opinions welcome (puts on hard hat!)

OP posts:
Hullygully · 08/10/2012 12:23

It was cruel of her, she got a laugh at your ds' expense, perhaps knowing he liked her and also had minor issues and was a "safe" target.

I agree withthe teacher ^^ who said it sounds like the school would like to get rid.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 08/10/2012 12:23

oh...the teacher is already under warning is she??? well the you DO want more! Angry So sorry for DS>

SeveredEdMcDunnough · 08/10/2012 12:23

Our school had no qualms about making me decide whether to affect someone's employment record - I chose not to, but only because he had a massive histry of inappropriate behaviour that had been completely hushed up and I didn't feel able to be a lone voice against this, when no one else had.

But it wouldn't have got him sacked anyway. This situation sounds like they are close to doing this already.

Tobagostreet · 08/10/2012 12:25

You need to ask for this to be looked into formally by the DHT. If action (formal or informal) action is not taken, this pattern of behaviour from the teacher could go on unchecked.

This type of bullying behaviour can have horrific effects on young people at a vulnerable age - and needs to be addressed.

A sanction should be issued, but it is up to the DHT to decide on what this is (and dont expect him to let you know the outcome as it should be private). If I were you - I'd just tell the school that a sincere apology should be given to your son, and that ask them to ensure that remedial action is taken to prevent re-occurrance (with your DC or anyone elses).

(Sorry about your DS Sad - hope he can get over this OK)

BoffinMum · 08/10/2012 12:25

I have my professional hat on.

This is totally inappropriate and the teacher concerned should be subject to disciplinary proceedings.

With regard to your son, this will blow over as far as he is concerned, so please tell him not to worry.

I now have my professional hat off.

I would be absolutely furious if someone said that to one of my children (and I have a DS the same age). It is disgusting and the head needs to get their act together big time. I would want the teacher out.

PuppyMonkey · 08/10/2012 12:26

I mean what on earth would make her think of saying that? Really worrying.

takeonboard · 08/10/2012 12:26

That is awful, she can't have much experience of teaching Year 7's if she thought her "joke" was a good idea.

If it were my DS I would want her to explain her comment and the fact that she was wrong and had already apologised to DS to the whole class to stop the teasing in its tracks - today. Any further teasing I would want her to deal with and put a stop to.

Your poor DS, I hope he wasn't put off going to school this morning Sad

luckylavender · 08/10/2012 12:28

Poor DS

But honestly GooseyLoosey "Whilst I would not want her to be sacked necessarily..." - this is someone's livelihood you are talking about. You can't just demand that people you don't agree with are sacked.

CaseyShraeger · 08/10/2012 12:28

I agree it sounds as though the school are keen to get rid of her, hence the "accidentally" dropping in the remark about how she was already in trouble.

VodkaJelly · 08/10/2012 12:29

Your poor son Sad

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 08/10/2012 12:29

Lucky....and she can't go around humiliating children in a sexual fashion.

TheOneWithTheHair · 08/10/2012 12:29

I feel so Angry for your ds. The teacher needs to apologise in front of the class.

I hope your ds is ok today. :(

Original poster
FuriousP · 08/10/2012 12:29

Wow, thanks for the replies, I'm glad that I am the only one who feels she should be hung out to dry, DH is of a simular opinion to me, but wanted to hear some others opinion on the subject. DHT seemed very apologetic on phone, but did say "do you want us to investigate, or not?" of course I wanted him to bloody investigate!

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 08/10/2012 12:29

She should apoligise to him personally and also in front of the whole class making it clear what an idiot she knows she was.

Bloody hell, already under investigation you should push this as far as it needs to go. Teachers just can not be allowed to behave innappropriately. Shocked at the DHT telling you that though.

Sparklingbrook · 08/10/2012 12:31

Shock My DS is Year 9 and he would be mortified. I am speechless.

BoffinMum · 08/10/2012 12:31

Oh yes, professional hat on again, another thought.

Tell your DS it is perfectly alright to say (politely) to a teacher if he thinks they have been rude or said something inappropriate. Just because you are a child and they are a teacher does not mean you have to put up with crude or inappropriate behaviour.

It might be good for him to practise doing this as a role play with you first. He will probably never need to do it, and I do realise it is very scary to do this to an authority figure, but learning to be politely assertive is a very important skill.

Original poster
FuriousP · 08/10/2012 12:34

whitecherry, sorry, cant keep up! Yes, he went in today, and was bouyed by the fact that at his club Friday night, a lot of his classmate and peers from that year had already discussed it and said to him "We now think what she said was wrong, and we wont tease you" which made him feel alot better - if other 11/12yr olds realise it was wrong, it must be!

OP posts:
steppemum · 08/10/2012 12:34

I think this was a pretty horrendous thing to say to a Y7. I tend to be supportive of schools and not want to pre-judge teacher etc, but I do find this upsetting. My ds would be mortified and probably refuse to go back to school, and he is strong kid, big personality and doesn't get teased, end even he would find it hard to laugh off.

I don't think you are being unfair to say an apology is not enough. It is not your concern what other discipline she is under. You just need to deal with this incident.
Your ds may like her, and not want her to be sacked, but he needs to know that public humiliation is not appropriate for a teacher and doesn't respect kids. If she does get sacked, be very clear that it wasn't because of your ds but because of a series of incidents and SHE has an issue with saying inappropriate stuff etc.

I wonder if her apologising to the class would make it better or worse? you woulod ahve to judge that, but it may be a way forward

sugarice · 08/10/2012 12:35

It beggars belief that she felt it was even acceptable to say such a thing!

Imagine if a male teacher had said something equally smutty to a girl.

Acinonyx · 08/10/2012 12:39

My thoughts exactly, sugarice. If that had been my dd I would self-combust with anger.

5madthings · 08/10/2012 12:40

Yes i would take it further! I would be bloody furious! I have a yr 9 son who would have beyond mortified! Its totally innappropriate!

Well done to your ds for going in today and to his friends who arr supporting him :)

Whistlingwaves · 08/10/2012 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilfredToadflax · 08/10/2012 12:41

Sounds like he has some really lovely friends :)

I am completely shocked that the teacher said this to him. If she can't hold in inappropriate thoughts, she shouldn't be a teacher.
If a teacher said something like this to ds, I'd struggle to ever get him into school again.

CailinDana · 08/10/2012 12:43

When I was teaching I opened my mouth and put my entire foot in a couple of times. Everyone says something a bit silly now and again. But I have never said anything anywhere near as bad as this, and I have never, and would never, humiliate or make fun of a child in front of the class. That is terrible behaviour from a teacher. What possessed her to ever say "willy" in front of a class??? How long has she been teaching ffs? It took me 6 months of maternity leave to just get back in the swing of saying "gosh" - saying something like "willy" would be way way out of my vocabulary in front of a class.

I think the school is way way out of line telling you that the teacher is under warning and basically putting the decision about what to do next on your shoulders. That is crazy - it's up to the fecking school to decide how to deal with their staff! In your position I would ring the DHT back and tell him that you are not going to get involved in management decisions - you've made them aware of how you feel about the incident and it's up to them to decide how to proceed. Your poor DS shouldn't be made to feel responsible for what happens to this teacher, that's her own look out.

Blatherskite · 08/10/2012 12:43

I think that if some of his classmates have told him that they realise she was wrong, then she definitely should be made to apologise, first to your DS personally and second, to the whole class to help convince everyone who heard what she said that she was wrong.

She should explain that what she said was massively inappropriate, terribly hurtful and totally wrong.

I think sacking and potentially putting her entire career at stake is a little harsh. Being taken down a peg or two should do for now but I'd want a note on her record at least.