stay at home mum ,untidy house ,me time.

[bethjoanne]

hi my husbands works all day and i am busy going to baby groups etc and looking after baby .husband expects tidy house and tea ready when he gets in.ironing is mounting up and he gos out for 8 hours with mates on saturday .whos unreasonble?

YANBU!!

When I was on maternity leave, whenever I get stressed about the housework, my husband said to me that I was taking the year off to look after the baby not to do housework, we would do the housework together at the weekend.

He said he would much rather I be relax and happy looking after our DD, taking her to baby group than at home stressing about housework. I am back at work now and realised how right he was. Going to work earning money is a full time job and so is looking after a baby at home.

Quite right Tunip!

bethjoanne YANBU. When DS1 was 4 weeks old I was a wreck - you're actually getting out of the house, which must mean you are both clothed and presentable, whereas I was still in my PJs!

I likened my days with DS1 as being like you're playing The Sims - having to wake your little Sim character up at 4am to get everything done in time for them to go to work and doing only the essentials as everything takes so bloody long to do. And I think going to baby groups is a good thing if you enjoy it - who gives a crap about washing and hoovering as long as you are happy and healthy.

You 'D'H needs to get it into his head that adjusting to life with a tiny baby is hard and it may be a bit of a drag if he doesn't have a meal on the table when he comes home but wtf - my husband was just glad to be home to see his new baby rather than worrying he wasn't getting a home cooked meal! As MNetters are fond of saying: "This too shall pass". There'll be a day when everything will seem easier. Having a second doesn't add much to what you already do.

That being said, I would seriously talk to your DH about his expectations and how wildly unreasonable they are this early on, and also reiterate to him that you are not the household skivvy - you are a SAHM, there to primarily raise your child, and if you manage to get a wash on, do a bit of ironing, whip the vaccuum cleaner round once in a while, get some sort of food ready-ish for him to eat and not have to wade through piles of rubbish that's a bonus! Also, talk to him about sharing the free time, so you both have a bit of time away from the house as well as making time for all 3 of you together otherwise resentment builds.

Good Luck and congratulations!

OP - your baby is only 4 weeks old - and you need a break too. Take it easy, rest when your baby rests, and get to know your lovely little baby. And your DH has to recognise that when a baby comes along EVERYONE'S life changes (not just yours) and heading off EVERY saturday to do his own thing for 8 hours just isnt on!

My top tips:

• internet food shopping - include a couple of quick ready meals: take the time to set up a basic list and then just add to it as you need. It was a life saver on maternity leave for me
• slow cooker meals - takes 10 mins prep and just leave it on all day - a couple of times a week: freeze any thing not eaten so you have an easy ready meal
• get DH to cook at the weekends - or if you cook, he cleans up etc - you are meant to be a partnership and setting a good example for your child from day 1
• both my boys were velcro babies: invest in a sling (if you dont have one). They're happy and you're happy and can use your hands to do stuff.
• only do the minimum needed of cleaning (quick hoover or dust alternate days and tidy up) - though DH should pull his weight on this too.

You're doing great - but you need to talk to DH about how you both need to support each other.

I always felt (and still do to some extent) that being home is much harder than being out of the house with the children - I am constantly aware of the relentless grind of housework when I'm in the house and find it very difficult to relax and just play knowing how much needs doing all of the time. I only have two mornings a week child free and try and pack in as much as I can then around the house, I still feel I don't have enough time to do anything nice for myself and my kids are 7, 5 and 2! I found meeting other mums an absolute godsend and so helpful when I had each of the babies small - if that's what OP needs then so be it. The housework and cooking NEVER goes away, it's so important to have a life outside of sheer drudgery.

100% agree with piemaker

DP and I both worked full time in similarly senior jobs pre-dd. That means I know perfectly well that going to work offers huge social benefits, through everyday pleasantries, as well as more stimulating discussion (and that sitting in meetings drinking coffee, driving between meetings with the radio on and chatting, sorry 'networking' over lunch is often not that taxing. Sometimes not that different from chatting to other Mums about child rearing, while drinking coffee, actually).

Yes, jobs vary and some are quite full on but most do provide a lot of mental and social stimulation, which is essential to maintaining good mental health. I don't think DP begrudges my meet ups with other Mums, or sees them as not 'part of job' of child care, at all.

Well it´s hard to equate stuff, isn´t it?

My husband went to work & was out of the house 7-7.

The house & baby was my responsibilty.

But I was bfeeding at night-he didn´t do any night feeds & mostly slept through.

So the understanding was that I slept in the daytime as & when necessary.

What didn´t get done didn´t get done.

Baby groups here at that age could be

breastfeeding support at clinic-Im a peer supporter and see lots of stressed 1st time mummies.

postnatal groups-I only went to one as found it rubbish but think there were 4-6classes to attend.

Then suppost to have 6week check with gp.

cant rememeber what appointments baby had hearing test, jabs, see family and freinds.

My 1st was nightmare baby had colic screamed and screamed .

Also if op has c section shes physically restricted what she can do, cant drive so has to walk ect.

Me and my hubby ro about the house having 1st child was real shock to our system think we lived off readymeals and takeaways 1st month at least.

you need to tell him you cant provide meals right now.

that he needs to be about evenings and sat .

that you will try do what you can but having a babys hard.

YANBU. My DS was a nightmare infant who fed all the time - I didn't get to eat, never mind cook, when he was four weeks old because he never went more than half an hour between feeds, including at night. (I was briefly thin enough to make the doctor worried!) He was seriously hard work and didn't really do daytime napping (still doesn't, but now he's 2 and can 'help' with the cooking). I would have slung DH's stuff out of the house and changed the locks if he'd suggested that I ought to be doing all the domestic work because I was on maternity leave, never mind making him gourmet dinners. If I ever did get 10 minutes to myself, I needed them to have a shower!

I work FT now - it's a thousand times easier than being at home with DS was.

Oh, and don't have a second unless your DP gets his act together. And make sure you go back to work at the end of your mat leave - don't get trapped into being a SAHM. Unless he bucks his ideas up this will not end well.

Micklark Go take your spam and make a sandwich. Reported

You're a partnership.

Give him a day of baby all alone while you go out and when he's up to his ears in no dinner and a messy house ask him where the hell your dinner is

In all honesty it takes time to reach an equilibrium as regards new baby, house, other biters and personal time.

Talk.

You SAH so I'm guessing the trade off is the house isn't a shit tip & he has some sort of meal cooking. If you were both working I would say it's 50/50. Seeing as you aren't then I'd expect a clean reasonably kept house.

Baby groups don't last 8 hours a day, every day, even including transport.

I honestly think that is the trade off for being a SAHM unless there's a reason you can't work.

Those that come on and say OP has had baby all day, baby could go into nursery and she could get a job if she doesn't want to be a housewife.

How very 1950's of me, that's what I saw growing up, a parent didn't work, the parent had childcare and house care. A few toys lying about maybe, but not a complete mess.

ZOMBIE THREAD / Spammer Micklark is reactivating threads about SAHP. Have reported

me too KK

'Dinner on the table'?

'Produce a meal'?

It is not unreasonable for OP to do the lion's share but there will be some days where that doesn't happen and her DH has to cook. That's life.

As for 'he expects a meal from scratch' - ha ha!

2012 thread.

Do you think op is still with him?

My routine is morning playgroup, lunchtime nap (when I prep food) and in the afternoon a bit of housework (used to have son in sling, but now he 'helps')
I do the ironing first thing as that's when he's most chilled at entertaining himself.

Just seen its a zombie

He's being an arse. The less kind responses will have been because you hadn't stated the age of the baby and many people don't read the thread before responding so you'll continue to get them. As others have said, you'll still be recovering. At that stage, I was in such pain that dh would come home and pick anything up that I'd dropped on the floor as it was majorly difficult for me to do without a lot of effort and getting stuck on the floor. Food was not systematically on the table. He tidied up a lot because of my pain, I was still bleeding and recovering from the birth and I had a womb infection. No way would dh have considered spending time with mates. If you're bottle feeding, Id definitely go out for the day and leave him to it. Even if it is to go and rest on a friend's sofa.

Get supermarket delivers, they have a butcher counter - not perfect but good enough and if it isn't, he can buy and cook himself. Maybe consider batch cooking as others have suggested. Try easy meals like roast meat, which creates its juices if cooked in a lidded casserole dish and doesn't need basting or turning. Pop a jacket potato in the oven at the same time and boil some mixed frozen veg. All that takes minutes to prepare.

Oh ffs zombie